Weekly at the Local

Author's notes: This story is posted in the Humor & Satire category and is intended to be a comedy. If you are looking for a quick wank this probably isn't the story for you. The story is set in an Australian pub and contains a lot of Aussie slang, so don't whinge or spit the dummy if you don't understand some of the words. You've been warned.

Weekly at the Local

A support group where sensitive men get together to discuss their lives, relationships and emotions.

"There he is!" Luke shouted out across the noisy, crowded pub.

"Christ, Brett, where have you been?" Mick asked him. "We were just about to send out a search party for ya."

"Sorry I'm late, fellas, had some troubles on the homefront."

"No worries, mate, you're just in time," said Luke.

"In time for what?"

"It's your shout."

Brett started laughing. "No matter what time I seem to get here, it always seems like it's just in time for my shout."

Mick chuckled. "Yeah, funny how that works."

Brett returned a few minutes later, three pints of Cooper's in hand, to the table where Mick and Luke were sitting. It had become a tradition, every Thursday night, for over a decade, the three of them sat at the same stools, at the same table of the Mariner Hotel to share their tales of triumphs, tragedies and troubles.

They rose their glasses and clinked them together. "Mates for ages! Mates for life!" they said in unison. It was the battle cry that began every session.

"So what sort of troubles are you having at home?" Mick asked.

"It's the missus," Brett explained, "I think she may be cheating on me."

Luke took a sip of his beer. "What makes you think that?"

"I haven't thrown a leg over in two months," Brett admitted.

"That's a shame," said Mick, "by the way that reminds me, I've got something for you."

"What's that?" Brett asked.

Mick pretended to fetch something from his trouser pocket. "Your girlfriend's smalls, she left them at my place when she came round last week."

"Very funny," said Brett, "but I'm serious,"

"Just because you haven't had sex in a while doesn't mean she's cheating on you," Luke reasoned. "Look at Mick, he hasn't had sex with his wife since the mid-nineties. Ain't that right Mick?"

"Yeah, that's true, but it doesn't bother me."

"Why is that?" asked Luke.

"Because I get all that I need and more from your wife," Mick said.

"Oh, so that explains it then," Luke said.

"Explains what?" Mick asked.

"Why my son is so thick. He must take after you," Luke said then turned to Brett. "Seriously, Brett, what makes you think she's getting it somewhere else?"

"Last week she was staying back at work, and I was already at her place, when she rang me and asked me to throw a load of laundry into the machine. As I was doing that, I found a pair of cum stained, crotchless knickers in the basket that I've never seen before."

"Oh, that's usually not a good sign," Mick deadpanned. "They didn't happen to be red, did they?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?" Brett asked.

"Lucky guess." Mick shrugged then grinned. "So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know," said Brett. "I really don't want to break it off, but the lack of sex is driving me crazy. In fact, the other day I couldn't take it anymore and got with a prostie."

"How was that?" Luke asked. "Was she a looker?"

"No, not really, she had a big fat arse and sagging, floppy tits."

"Oh, so you wanted one that looked like your girlfriend?" Mick quipped.

"Very funny," Brett said. "No, that's all I could afford."

"So how was it then?" asked Luke. "Was it good?"

"She seemed to think so, because by the time I had finished rooting her, she ending up paying me," Brett said. "She did have some troubles though."

Mick took the bait. "How so?"

"She had never been with someone as . . . as well-endowed as me," Brett confessed.

"Is that right?" asked Luke. "So you've got a big one then, do ya?"

"Don't mean to brag, but yes I do," Brett replied.

"That's not what Mick told me," Luke said. "Ain't that right, Mick?"

"Fuck off!" Mick snapped back. "Besides everyone knows I got the biggest parts in these parts."

Luke grinned. "That's not what my wife says."

Mick took a healthy swig of his beer. "Very funny, but it's a well known fact that I've got a huge one."

"Is that so?" Luke asked.

"Yes," said Mick. "My dick is so big when I get hard, my eyebrows get pulled down to my neck. Which can be a problem if you happen to be driving at the time."

"I'm in the same boat," Brett confided. "Mine is so big, I could wear it as a neck-tie, if I wasn't so afraid of getting a hard-on and strangling myself to death."

"When it gets cold," Luke joined in, "I tuck the knob end of mine into me sock to keep it warm."

"Mine is so big I could use it as cricket bat, if it weren't against the rules, which apparently it is," Brett boasted.

"My pecker is so big," Mick chimed in, "that, at first, the doctors thought it was a conjoined twin."

"My dick has it's own dick," Brett informed them, "and its dick is bigger than both of your dicks put together."

"I'm not so sure about that," Mick countered. "I once entered mine in a big dick contest."

"How'd that go?" asked Luke.

"Trifecta: My dick ended up finishing first, second and third," Mick bragged. "But there are drawbacks to having a large old fella, though."

"Like what?" Brett asked

"Mine is so big," said Mick, "my Viagra pills are the size of a grapefruit."

"I know what you mean, my donger is so large," Luke empathised, "it's against the law to fuck me without a helmet and protective safety gear; and you have to sign a waiver."

"My cock is so big," Brett added, "you can't blow me without a ladder."

"That's nothing. Mine is so thick," Mick embellished, "I use a Hoola Hoop as a Cock Ring."

"My tallywhacker is so long," Luke responded, "it's measured in furlongs.

"So is mine," said Brett, "and I have to pay council rates on it."

"Speaking of councils," Mick added, "my council tried to erect a statue of my dick, but they ran out of cement."

"You get that on big jobs," Luke confirmed. "My todger is so large they use bullet trains to test my condoms."

"Speaking of condoms," said Brett, "I have to wear special, custom made condoms that have a flashing red light at the tip to warn low flying aircraft."

Mick responded with, "My Kevin Rudd is so big that, that French Spiderman rock-climber fella tried climbing it, got half way up, then gave up."

"My John Howard is so tall," Luke replied, "it has an observation deck at the top where BASE jumpers parachute off."

"Mine is so huge," Brett responded, "I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler."

"Yeah, well my Tony Abbott is so large," said Mick, "it has its own postal code."

Brett one upped him. "That's nothing mine has it's own time zone."

"Mine is so long," Luke admitted, "I once was in Melbourne and got a blowjob in Adelaide."

"My didgeridoo is so big," Mick said, "I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow."

"Mine is so massive," said Luke, "when I go to the beach the tide comes in."

"Every time I get hard," Brett lamented, "it causes a solar eclipse,"

"My cock is so large," Mick exaggerated, "it has its own moon, two of them actually."

"My dick, the Grand Canyon, the Great Wall of China, and Kim Kardashian's Arse," Luke named off, "are the only things visible from space with the naked eye."

Brett looked around the table. "Anything else?"

"No," Mick answered.

"Nope," Luke replied.

"Let's call it a night then," Brett decided.

"Mates for life! Mates for ages!" They said in unison and the night ended as it had begun.