What Have We Done? Ch. 02

Lilian came to stand next to Katie and giggled. "You only cut four cookies in the whole eight minutes? Were you daydreaming or something?" she teased, looking from the tray to Katie.

Katie blushed and turned away. "Fuck off, Lilian."

"It was just a question. No need to get bitchy." Lilian countered calmly, picking out a Christmas tree and pressing it into the rolled out dough. "You might want to relax before mom notices you're tense and jumpy."

"How do you suggest I do that?" Katie snapped, smashing a gingerbread man stencil into the dough.

Lilian shrugged, careful to keep her fingers out of Katie's way. "Alcohol. Exercise. Meditation. A hot bubble bath and a good cry. Whichever floats your boat I guess."

"My boat doesn't float. It just sinks." Katie grumbled, squishing the head of her cookie man as she lifted it from the dough.

Lilian opened her mouth for a sarcastic comment, then snapped it shut. Antagonizing Katie wasn't going to help. "Then maybe you need to learn how to swim."

Katie sifted through the cookie cutters. "What does that even mean?"

"That you've got to stay afloat until you figure out how to raise you sunk boat. Learn how to cope with the problems life has presented you with until you figure out how to deal with them. Then find a way to be prepared for the next crisis so you're not rocked off balance." Lilian added her Christmas tree and picked a snowman shape.

There was quiet as Katie mulled over Lilian's advice. When she spoke, it was with careful hesitation. "I wasn't expecting you to be here. You usually work through the holidays, and I assumed you'd do the same this year." She looked over her shoulder, as if checking to be sure they were alone. "I'm not really over what happened. You know. Last time we were here." Katie glanced up at Lilian from the corner of her eye. "It feels like it's getting shoved in my face, but that's not your fault. It's on me for not dealing with it and I shouldn't resort to taking it out on you."

"Old habits, huh?" Lilian offered, secretly relieved that she wasn't the only one hyper aware of the memories of their last holiday at home.

Katie shifted uncomfortably. "Being a bitch to you was only ever a defensive response, and not a healthy one."

"Response to what?" Lilian asked, curious what Katie felt she needed to protect herself from. Surely not Lilian.

Katie licked her lips nervously, fingers worrying the cookie dough. "I've -"

"So sorry girls, Patricia from down the street had to brag about her grandchildren. She makes them sound like angels, but I could hear the chaos and destruction in the background." Marie bustled into the kitchen, seemingly unaware of the conversation she'd interrupted. The girls immediately dropped back into the unspoken truce they'd adopted around their parents. Lilian couldn't help wondering what Katie had been about to say, and found herself watching her step-sister as they finished the cookies.

That evening Patrick and Marie left to attend a dinner party, leaving the girls to fend for themselves. Lilian decided to rummage through the fridge in the hopes of eating dinner before Katie emerged from her bedroom. She wasn't so lucky and Katie wandered into the kitchen, hesitating when she noticed Lilian sitting on the counter eating. Lilian sighed internally but slurped the noodles into her mouth and cheeked them to say "I won't bite. Get something to eat if you're hungry."

"So gracious." Katie quipped, wincing. "Sorry. That was dumb."

"No shit." Lilian deadpanned, rolling her eyes. "Are you going to turn bitch mode up to eleven or can we try and be civil?"

Katie huffed and opened the fridge, staring into the chilly depths with a frown. "I'm trying to be civil. I told you I wasn't anticipating you being here. I'm four steps behind everything and I can't seem to catch up. Did you eat the last of the fettucini?"

Lilian swallowed guiltily. "Yes."

"Asshole. I wanted that." Katie glowered without any real heat, then started moving things around in her search for food.

Lilian twirled the last of the pasta on her fork slowly, her heart beating faster as she listened to herself talk. "If it helps, we can continue our conversation from earlier. Maybe that will help you catch up."

Katie straightened with a container of lunch meat in hand. She stared at Lilian with an unsure expression. "Why are you being nice to me?"

"I can be not nice, if that makes things easier." Lilian set her empty plate down and braced her hands on her knees. She wasn't in the mood to tiptoe around things. Either they'd get to the bottom of things or agree to pretend it never happened, for good.

"It might." Katie snapped, glaring at the dish in her hand, setting it on the counter hard enough to rattle the dishes in the sink. "No, it wouldn't," she sighed, scrubbing her hands over her face. "We should talk. I need a fucking drink."

Lilian slid from the counter and set her used dishes in the sink. "Eat first, then we can sit outside and talk. I'll go light the fire pit." She turned to go outside then paused, "Do you like vodka?"

"Yeah?" Katie answered, unsure what Lilian needed to know that for.

"Good to know. Be back in a few."

Lilian returned to the kitchen once the firepit was blazing steadily. She found Katie chewing her lip and staring off into space, a rolled up piece of ham half eaten in hand. Letting her be for now, Lilian raided the liquor cabinet, finding three bottles of vodka that were all open. Selecting the fullest, Lilian set up glasses with ice and split a can of sprite between them, topping off with a generous amount of vodka.

"Earth to Katie." Lilian called, sliding one drink to Katie, who returned to the here and now with a quiet "hmm?"

"Finish eating, dork. Here's a drink, fire pit is lit. I'll wait outside for you." Lilian took her own drink, vodka, and sodas and returned to the fire pit, settling herself in one of the deck chairs circled around. She sipped her drink, wincing at how strong she'd made it. Crossing an ankle over her knee Lilian closed her eyes and thought about how to start this talk. Katie had already admitted her bitchy behavior was a response to something. Lilian wanted to know what that was. She'd certainly never provoked Katie. Was that a good place to start, to try and pick up where they left off? Small talk?

The back door creaked as it opened and shut, then Lilian heard the patter of bare feet. "Are you nuts?" Lilian asked, turning her head to confirm that Katie was still barefoot, the loose cuffs of her sweats twitching around bony ankles.

"The fire pit will keep them plenty warm." Katie reasoned, skipping quickly over, careful not to slosh her drink. She sat, wrapping her jacket around herself and propped her feet on the brick mantle around the pit. "See? Roasty toasty toesies."

"Okay." Lilian shook her head, then combed her hair back, clearing her throat. "So, want to jump right back into our earlier conversation? Or is there a topic you'd rather start with?"

Katie blew out a breath and leaned back, looking very comfortable with her drink propped high. "Not pulling any punches, are we. Let's jump back in then. I was saying that my being a bitch is a defensive response. Then you asked what I was responding to, correct?"

"Yep. Then mom interrupted and here we are." Lilian raised an eyebrow, encouraging Katie to proceed.

Katie took a shaky breath and let it out slowly. "I've been lying to myself for a long time. Since high school. And I've been lying to you too. Thanksgiving, uh. Thanksgiving wasn't some sort of spontaneous, lust driven mistake." Katie took a deep drink before continuing. "If anything, it was what I wish I'd been able to do that night, senior year."

That wasn't what Lilian had expected. She'd been expecting some sob story about how Katie hadn't been laid in ages, or how stress from work was driving her crazy. Maybe something about an ex. Not to be reminded of a memory she hated to love. "What does you dry humping me on the couch have to do with you being an ass to me since like, the first week we met?"

Katie looked down at her lap, expression conflicted. "I was afraid, Lilian. I felt something when we met, something that scared me because it was different and new and not okay. I found myself wanting to be your best friend, wanting to do anything with you just so I could be close to you; be in your orbit. I liked you so much, so fast, and that scared me. I know that the way I treated you was wrong, I know how much I hurt you. I'd give anything to take it all back."

"You were an asshole, made my life a living hell, and laughed every time someone bullied me because you liked me?" Lilian clarified with disbelief clouding her words.

"I don't expect you to believe me, or trust that I'm being honest. I haven't given you any reason to do either of those things. But Lilian," Katie leaned over and touched Lilian's wrist, the cold from her fingers seeping through Lilian's sweatshirt cuff and raising goosebumps along Lilian's skin. "I'm making an effort to open up. I'm trying to put the past aside and get to a place where we can talk like civilized adults."

Lilian sipped her drink so she wouldn't have to answer right away. It rubbed the wrong way that after all these years, after they'd already made the mistake of fucking, Katie wanted to make amends. There must be some ulterior motive here. Lilian blinked when the memory of Katie rushing her for a kiss by the canal burst forth. Was that what she wanted? To end up back in bed, all made up and acting like things were fine? "Why haven't you tried talking to me about this before?"

"When have we been together for more than a handful of hours before? From the time we graduated high school, you and I haven't spent even ten hours under the same roof until Thanksgiving. I checked. That summer, you got a job like the day after graduation, even though it was a Sunday and you spent all your time working, sleeping, or out with friends. Then we left for college. Different colleges, but even during breaks, you always had somewhere to be, somewhere to go. Summers, you worked and slept and hung with friends. We were never around one another long enough to let the spat settle and actually talk." Katie ended her little tirade nearly shouting, the veins in her throat standing out against her skin.

"Well, maybe instead of making my life a living hell for four years you could have opened up then. You could have stepped off that goddamn pedestal and had a conversation. Oh, and maybe instead of humping me, you could have stayed sober and talked to me. I was naive enough to fall for this shit then, that's when you should have tried fooling me." Lilian grinned tightly at the flicker of pain she saw on Katie's face. "If you think telling me this now will soften me up and make me willing to climb back in bed, you're wrong." Lilian leaned forward, the heel of her hand braced to stand.

"I love you!"

Lilian froze, half out of her seat, not looking at Katie, her heart suddenly pounding. "What?"

"I love you!"

Lilian swallowed something thick and painful in her throat. "How sisterly." she snapped, pushing to stand fully. Sweat rolled down her back, sweat that had nothing to do with the gentle warmth of the fire pit.

"Lilian, I love you!" Katie was on her feet and crowded into Lilian's space, hands tentatively cupping Lilian's elbow. "I've loved you for years, but I was afraid to be honest. I'm telling you now because I want to be honest with you. You deserve honesty. No more secrets, no more hiding behind shit behavior. I don't want anything from you, and I don't expect you to like what I've told you." Katie let her shoulders sag, the action full of dejection. "I can't keep pretending that we didn't change everything. I can't keep pretending nothing happened. I have to be honest with you, and myself."

"Well, now you've been honest with us both. If you'll excuse me," Lilian spun and would have stomped away, her heart still beating alarmingly fast, but a gentle hand on her arm stopped her before she could take a single step.

"You said it last time, we can't talk if you walk away."

Lilian rolled her eyes skyward and took a deep breath. "Fine." She turned back to Katie and looked down into dark hazel eyes. "Let's talk about this."

Katie's throat bobbed as she swallowed, her eyes wide on Lilian's. "Okay. So. Um, how or, what are your thoughts? On what I said."

"Right now my thoughts are that this is all bullshit. You're playing the same game as last time. Your pussy has been neglected and since riling me up worked so well last time, why not try it again. Well, I'm not falling for it. Laying your heart at my feet would have worked so much better than bullying me. Maybe remember that for next time, instead of taking advantage of me when I'm drunk and available. " Lilian sighed, her reactionary anger fizzling out when real tears spilled over Katies cheeks, her lip trembling.

"Sorry, dammit, I'm sorry. You didn't think I'd be overjoyed to hear I suffered at your hands and the hands of your friends because you were secretly in love with me, did you? I mean, what about my feelings? Am I supposed to be okay with the emotional whiplash you inflict on me?" Lilian awkwardly wrapped an arm around Katie, patting her shoulder as tears silently soaked into her sweatshirt.

"No. I'm just sorry I ever hurt you." Katie croaked.

Lilian bit her lip and wrapped Katie in a real hug. "I got over the bullying a long time ago. I never really forgave you, but I stopped stressing over the why and how could you, stopped letting it bother me. It happened and I survived." Lilian gently smoothed Katie's hair over her ear. "You just opened up and shared something deep, and I'm going to need time and probably lots of alcohol to process, but I forgive you for being an insufferable bitch and constant pain in my ass. Okay?"

Katie's giggle was wet and muffled against Lilian's chest, but it felt good to feel the vibration of it rattle her bones. "Okay."

"Should we table this for now? Try and get through Christmas, get through the holidays, and work this out without Mom and Dad lurking around every corner?" Lilian asked, brushing flyaways back from Katie's face.

"That's probably a wise choise. Like you said, we both need time to deal with the uh, small emotional bomb I just dropped." Katie sighed heavily. "You've always been the smart one."

"One of us has to be. Heavy lies the crown. Anyways...I found the marshmallows Mom tried to hide. Wanna roast them instead of your toes?" Lilian offered, figuring a small peace offering was warranted.

"Sure." Katie sniffled and disengaged, wiping her runny nose on her jacket sleeve as she sat.

Patrick and Marie returned to find their daughters well on their way to being drunk, burning their tongues on too hot marshmallows, giggling like school girls. They smiled to one another and left them to their own devices after a quick goodnight.

******

In the months following Christmas Lilian found herself rethinking everything Katie had told her. She replayed their talk around the firepit over and over, initially trying to figure out what angle Katie was playing. While there were plenty, Lilian couldn't shake the sense that Katie was actually being honest.

With Katie on her mind so much, it was only natural that old memories would resurface. Lilian was remembering some of the things Katie would spit at her: comments about her hair, or her clothing, even about her figure. They'd all hurt, and many of them were indeed unkind no matter how you tried to spin it. There were a few though, that if said differently, without the venom and derision, could pass as a compliment.

"Jesus, look at her arms. She could bench press the entire football team."

"More plaid? Gotta run to a Duluth women's mag shoot between classes or something?"

"Hey, the 80's called. They want their sleeveless tanks back. And their muscle bound jocks."

"You'll never pass for a boy with boobs like yours. Think they'll kick you off the wrestling team?"

Lilian wondered if this was Katie's clumsy, awkward way of disguising her interest. Wrapping insults around something she'd noticed about Lilian and appreciated, delivering them with contempt to ensure anyone who saw her looking knew it wasn't because she liked what she saw.

Looks from Katie were another thing Lilian was suddenly remembering. The number of times they'd be studying in the kitchen, or passing one another and Lilian would catch Katie staring was starting to add up to something significant.

And of course, the well worn memory of the senior class party. Getting drunk for the first time, because why not? Being driven home by the lacrosse team's stats manager, stumbling into the backyard to pop the faulty backdoor lock only to find Katie trying to do the same thing and failing. Lilian had been the first to giggle, the sight of Katie, Miss Prom Queen and Most Likely to Rule the World, drunk off her ass and pouting like a toddler, altogether too funny. Now, Lilian realized there was something else in Katie's expression besides drunken confusion. There had been desire, naked and paired up with the confusion.

Even with these refreshed memories providing examples of Katie's confessed attraction, Lilian wasn't sure how she felt about it. Her first reaction had been anger, but that had been more because she was expecting Katie to use her confession as a lead in for a proposition. Even with no request for a second time hovering over her head Lilian felt conflicted. They weren't related by blood so they could get away on a technicality, but when Lilian thought about how they had grown up in the same house, she couldn't help but classify Katie as her sister. At the same time, she could see Katie was an attractive woman, one who she knew was lively and responsive in bed. Accepting her own attraction to Katie was easy. Lilian knew her pull towards Katie was rooted in the secrecy of her own sexual identity as a teen. Forcing herself to publicly pretend, to look anywhere but at other girls, she'd savored any chance she had to look at Katie as something besides an adopted sister. And of course, there was that drunk encounter their senior year, and she knew their Thanksgiving fling had exacerbated, even increased that pull. She'd already come to terms with the impossibility of their mistake becoming anything more. Ignoring the fact that they weren't related, no one would be understanding or accepting of them as romantic partners. The very thought of their parents finding out made Lilian sick to her stomach.

Lilian slowly came to accept that Katie felt something more for her. She decided to treat that knowledge the way she would an ex-girlfriend who professed deeper feelings than Lilian had. It was there and that was fine, so long as it wasn't acted on. If ignored, it should fade in time.

Lilian also admitted to herself that she cared for Katie. Even if they weren't close, they were family and that was important. Maybe they could learn to treat one another kindly, like actual sisters. It took a bubble bath and too many glasses of wine for Lilian to realize she wanted someone to share things with, silly, important, embarrassing, and heartbreaking. The idea of that someone being Katie held a lot of appeal for Lilian. Almost too much, but she brushed that errant thought aside. Tears followed her realization, soothing but not healing the emptiness that felt like a heartbeat in her chest.

Now it was mid April and the dismal weather felt like a direct representation of Lilian's mood. She stood at the large bay window of her living room watching the rain, bundled in sweats and a hoodie to combat the cold air flowing through the open windows. The smell of the rain permeated the house, increasing the gloomy effect.