What Is Polyamory?

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An essay on the history of Polyamory.
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What is Polyamory?

Polyamory means "loving more than one". This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or a combination thereof, according to the desires and agreement of the individuals involved. "Polyamorous" is also used as descriptive term by people who are open to more than one relationship even if they are not currently involved in more than one. It is behaving in ways which are honest, and which make you, and the people you care about, and the people they care about happy and fulfilled. Polyamory is about building new configurations of relationships, being open to the opportunity if it comes along, not refusing commitments because something better might come loping down the path.

(* from FAQ at alt.polyamory)

This is an interesting question. What is Polyamory? The definition above states it just simply as "loving more than one". Kathy Labriola defines Polyamory as an intense loving relationship between two or more people. Polyamory literally means many loves. Good enough for the simple definitions that tell you absolutely nothing important. Let's start with where the poly movement began.

Polyamory in the United States began as polygamy with Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon religion, or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Through a series of visions, Smith announced polygamy to his followers as a part of Mormon spirituality in 1843 and Bringham Young publicly announced this practice in 1852. Polygamy allowed men to marry more than one wife as long as he could provide for everyone in his family. The Mormons were sexually conservative and rejected the ideals of romantic love, intense courtship and contraception. Sex was seen merely as a device for procreation. Extramarital affairs, premarital sex, and all sexual acts that would not directly lead to conception were strictly forbidden and enforced at a cost of death or emasculation. The reasoning stands that polygamy was not for the purpose of sex, but as a way to have as many children as possible.

Since the Christian doctrine did not allow for polygamy, the Mormons were the subject of hate from many sources, mainly Protestant missionaries and women writers who "attempted to emancipate plural wives from their alleged sexual slavery." (D'Emilio and Freedman 117) Even though our country preached freedom of religion, from the 1860's to the 1880's the federal government prosecuted Mormons who practiced polygamy. Given this opposition, the Mormons withdrew their approval for polygamy in 1890.

Most polyamorous families are not all married to one another. There is usually a primary couple who are married and the others who consider themselves married, but do not have an actual marriage certificate. Some of the families live together and others have separate living quarters where the father and husband visit frequently. In the families that live together, the child rearing and household responsibilities are shared. In all ethical cases, all the wives know about each other and support the decision of their husband taking on the new partner. Kathy Labriola, a counselor and nurse, defines Polyamory as "an intense loving relationship between members of the same sex or those of the opposite sex". Some polyamorous people are married, others are single: Polyamorous people may be heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. The Polyamorous system does not have to be a sexual system, but it can be.

Most of the cynicism given to Polyamory is due to people thinking Polyamory is for sexual practices. Kilbride in "Plural Marriage for our Times: A Reinvented Option?" states, In linking sexuality to marriage we generally view having multiple marital partners [...] as resulting predominately from sex drive. [...] Of the various reasons why plural marriage occurs, a sexual outlet is minimized within a wider, more general body of needs and functions considered important for both individuals and the wider society. (25) This statement agrees that the practice of polygamy is not about sex. As was stated earlier, the Mormons used polygamy as a way of advancing their religion and baptizing their ancestors, not for greater sexual acts. The people who practice Polyamory today use Polyamory as a means of freedom of expression and bettering themselves as people. Since they have found that loving another person in no way diminished the feelings they have for another person, they want recipients for their love.

Another opposition of Polyamory comes from the idea of traditional family. Again coming to my defense is Kilbride. In "Plural Marriage for our Times", he states this valid point: Those who cling to the idea of the "traditional" as the absolute baseline against which all other change must be measured need only reflect on our own marital and family patterns over the last century or so to see that the idea of the traditional is itself always subject to changing circumstances. (15) Indeed, this makes itself true. The modern idea of family is a smaller unit than it was in previous eras. Most of our ancestors lived in houses with several generations of their family, all worked together and shared duties and responsibilities. They all took care of each other. The workload was not too heavy on any one person.

The third opposition comes from the stigma given from the church and those values, in turn, handed down from generation to generation. Most churches do not approve of Polyamory and are actively against it, stating Polyamory is disapproved of in the Bible. In an interview with Hanna Wolfson from the Detroit news, Stephen Butt, a polygamous man, stated his case for polygamy. [My family and I] believe that plural marriage is allowed for in the bible to meet practical, real needs, and this should be acknowledged by the Christian Church. Obviously polygamy can't be something that's immoral if God allowed it with [David and Solomon] whom he showed so much favor. I am in agreement with this point. Why would God tell his "favorites" they could have more than one wife and not allow anyone else to have the same privilege? That doesn't seem to fit with the Christian ideal of God as fair and just. I think the Christians need to re-evaluate their position on this issue and read the bible a little closer. If they did, perhaps they would find real proof for Polyamory instead of bending the Bible to disprove Polyamory.

So why do people want to be polyamorous? Kilbride tells us in "Plural Marriage for our Times" about one LA radio station that asked the question "Why would one want to date a married man?" One caller stated she used to have an affair with a married man. She loved the man and his wife and helped them through the pregnancy and birth of a defective child. She would never have tried to steal the husband from the wife and the wife knew this. The woman caller was a good friend to the husband and wife. The wife, who was very worried about the child she was carrying, knew and consented to what was going on in the relationship with her husband and friend. With someone else to satisfy the husband and be sure he was taken care of, the woman was more relaxed, taking some of the stress from her unborn child. In times of strife, people have been known to turn to sex as a means of consolation.

The friend could have provided this for the husband. Both the husband and wife must have been worried about the child and it is always nice to have another shoulder to lean on in times of strife. With the United States being a country that preaches freedom of expression, it limits us to say there is one and only one valid form of the expression of love. To quote Kilbride's "Plural Marriage for our Times", "Monogamy is seen as splendid for many but unworkable for others, and it is for the latter that some form of plural marriage should be a choice." (11) Many of the people I chatted with on my Polyamory message board said they had been involved in or had explored the possibility of monogamy and were not happy with the results. Nunsense wrote, "I tried to explore the possibility of being monogamous, and realized that, while I did have a revelation about jealousy [...] I still have no clue what it would be like to want one person only for the rest of my life. Being open to love, in all its aspects, is a part of who I am."

I have to respect that statement and I have to admire the courage of these people in trying to be monogamous. They at least have a basis for comparison and have found that love is a wonderful thing. SophiaP expresses one of the most heartwarming points toward polygamy. "One of the amazing things about coming out as poly is that I find that I am now able to love someone more because I love someone else. [...] Suddenly, I find myself loving both men more, just because I love each individually. What a wonderful thing!" Being a polyamorous person myself, this speaks volumes to me about how I feel about being free to express my love with more than one person. It offers an inside look at the heart of a poly person. Kathy Labriola, in her pamphlet "Are you Open to an Alternative Lifestyle?" states, "Many people try to live a monogamous lifestyle and find it just does not meet their needs. They come to believe that is it unrealistic to expect any one person to fulfill all their needs for intimacy, companionship, love and sex for the rest of their lives. Many people become non-monogamous as a way to avoiding some of the problems they have experienced in monogamous relationships."

Polyamorous people are usually independent and have many sources of emotional support rather than depending on their spouse for everything. Polyamorous people are assertive and able to voice their own needs clearly and honestly. Polyamory can strengthen relationships by encouraging each partner to be honest with themselves and each other and to communicate clearly about their feelings. After the initial fear of change subsides, many people feel comfortable with Polyamory as long as they feel secure that they are loved and will not be abandoned. Most people experience less of the anxiety and more of the satisfaction of Polyamory if they know what to expect and feel secure that their partners will abide by rules that are mutually agreed upon. (Labriola)

There are many benefits for children associated with Polyamory. There were major findings in Kilbride's "Plural Marriage for our Times" about the effects of polygamous families on children. A study group of 150 Anglo Children from non-conventional backgrounds and a control group of fifty children from conventional families were tracked until they entered junior high school. One result showed that eighty-six percent of non-conventional families scored above median grades and test scores. Their IQ test scores averaged 113, which is higher than the national norm of 100. The results suggest that non-conventional families do not have undesirable effects on children. Divorce, on the other hand, has been found harmful to children. If more partners were added to the core family, there would be less divorce. If there is not a divorce, there are no stepfamilies or single parent families, which would improve the standings of child abuse for the better. Norval Glenn stated in his pamphlet "Closed Hearts, Closed Minds: A Textbook Study of Marriage", "Sexual abuse is more common in step-families; child abuse and serious injury are more common in single parent families." There would be less tension between the new siblings and new parental figures. The new parent would not have to step in and take a parental role to the children of the core marriage from the beginning. It would be a gradual process. Animosity would be reduced and "playing the parents" would be little if any at all.

Polyamory gives already stressed parents an extra hand in our time of high paced society. In "An Immodest Proposal" by Julie Ann Kessler, Elizabeth Joseph, one of eight wives of Alex Joseph, proclaims the polygamous lifestyle is a way to empower career minded women. She states, "I've maximized my female potential without the tradeoffs associated with monogamy." She went to a law school knowing her husband was in good care. She also is proud of the fact her eight year old has never seen the inside of a daycare. The Josephs say there are not a lot of good men, so it is better if good women marry the same man. In the words of Kessler, writer for the Claremont Institute, "In these times when our understanding of the nature of family has expanded to include two mommies and two daddies, blended families and single parent families, why not include polygamous families?" Why indeed? It has shown successful for not only the parents, but for the children, since daycares are seen as harmful for young children. It also alleviated the stress from the college student mother. Her child was in good care while she attended classes and worked on homework. When women become wives and mothers, society dumps the success of the family and household on the women. Glenn comments on the health of married women of this situation in "Closed Hearts: Closed Minds". He states, "A few studies have shown that some symptoms of stress, including chronic depression, occur more often among married women than among either unmarried women or married men, which does suggest that marriage is either more stressful on or less helpful to, at least some married women."

This might be because the nuclear family leads women to do not only a career job but another job at home with children, cooking, cleaning, and finance to name a few. With another woman in the household, these duties are split, making it easier. Polygamy also helps with satisfaction of sexual desires. Kilbride puts it best when he says, "A couple can't just put the kids to bed, flip a switch on, become physical, catch up on work and go to sleep." (35) If another woman is there, a woman feels better about the nights she doesn't feel like having sex or is just too tired to care. She doesn't have to make excuses; she can sleep easy knowing her husband is happy.

What are the downsides of Polyamory? In my research, I found only two real problems with Polyamory. The first problem is, of course, social stigma. I have talked to some poly people from the Loving More message board. They were very shy to talk about their lifestyle, fearing being looked down upon by friends, family, co-workers, ex spouses or boyfriends who will come back on them. Being openly published as poly could lead to their children being taken from them. They fear not only hypothetical but also literal lynchings that have happened to poly people in the past. Norval in "Closed Hearts: Closed Minds" writes, "The more pressing danger is posed by negative stereotypes of alternative family forms, which encourage racial prejudice and may created social pressures that discourage us as individuals from freely choosing," (Aulette) When people are brought up in a household that discriminates against those who are different, it creates a breeding ground not only for more hate, but jealousy against those people who are happy being different, especially when the haters are trapped in their misery. Kilbride poses his point on this matter in "Plural Marriage for our Times" when he says, "It seems easily verifiable that our national American Culture, in its narrowly focused absolutionist vision of heterosexual monogamy as the only proper marital form has caused much suffering to many, if not most, Americans." (2) If more people were allowed to choose an alternative marriage, those people on the whole would be healthier and happier.

One of the problems that can come from social stigma is not being able to share the elements of your life with your family. Jon Melusky, a personal interview and moderator for the Loving More message board told me his ideas on Polyamory. He and his wife are a poly couple. I asked for his input on how open he was with non-poly relatives. His response was very positive. "Some relatives would not understand and are private people so we respect their boundaries in certain topics. Some relatives are cool and can be told anything and a deeper bond can happen with them." It is wonderful for Jon that he has family with whom he can speak on this matter. Many poly people keep their relationships private from family and friends altogether.

The other problem I have seen with Polyamory is jealousy. I can honestly state from personal opinion, jealousy is a dangerous beast to tame in any relationship, let alone a relationship in which a partners are sharing one another. When my husband and I decided to relax our ideas of monogamous marriage, I was all for the idea. Having another person I could share ideas with and love and be loved by was a wonderful idea. When my husband brought Jane home I became insanely jealous. I never communicated my feelings with my husband or with Jane. When they started to getting along better, the jealousy spiked. I still kept the feelings to myself because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. When they started flirting, I exploded and broke off any potential relationship we could have had, even though it went against my better judgment. Jealousy won in my relationship and I have regretted it ever since. Jealousy is a multi-layered emotion composed of anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoid, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, and feeling excluded. It is not easy to pick the feelings apart and examine so emotions may be expressed in a calm and diplomatic manner. Most of the time, it ends up in a rage like my relationship with my husband and Jane. If the lines of communication would have been open and I would have had more practice letting people in, the relationship might have survived. There is a ray of light, however, for those who need professional help. There are poly friendly counselors such as Kathy Labriola who is more than willing to help families overcome their jealousy. She has even published pamphlets on the subject. They have been posted online to help those who cannot get help from a poly friendly counselor.

Polyamory is not a new system: it has been around since human creation. How is it fairing in modern society? Joe Costanzo reported it from the Deseret news that Joseph Ginat, a University of Haifa professor said pockets of plural marriage including those in Utah will benefit from national growth and new membership and stated plural marriage is practiced by [...] seventy-eight percent of the world's populations. Ginat predicted continued growth of Polyamory because of the large numbers of kids being raised in the culture and increasing membership. On this note, I asked Jon, my friend from the message board, why he first chose to be involved in Polyamory. He said, "Both [myself and my wife] tried bisexuality and loved it. But now it is more about two people can't fulfill 100% of each other's needs. The more the merrier in getting needs met and supporting each other in projects and other tasks, too." I then asked how he handled the pressure of a society who does not believe in poly ideals. His reply was, "I get frustrated at the TV for not showing my values, sometimes. But I try not to measure my self worth by what society thinks or feels." If anything, Polyamory is going to stay because of the mindset of the people involved in poly relationships. When the polyamorous people are only slightly annoyed with misrepresentation, the practice will continue as long as we can find quiet little spots to settle and raise a family.

In closing, I would like to say that as being a poly person, it is most definitely not easy being poly. In no way, shape or form does it just "happen". There are the marital disputes that every marriage has and those are compounded when you include another person. However, it is not impossible and is very probable and practical when you take it one day at a time and lay everything out on the table. Keep lines open and completely honest. Even if it would hurt someone's feelings, if it is how you feel, and you tell them, it makes it that much easier to repair. I am a firm advocate for Polyamory and all the practices that go along with it. I have included pamphlets and web links to help others in their search. While being poly is most assuredly NOT for everyone, for those who have been lacking and needing it, having the option open to them is like a breath of fresh air. I know, for one, I am happier knowing should I find someone else to make me happy that I will not have to leave my partner or choose between them. My family that I currently have will not fall apart. I will continue to have the love of a person that means so very much to me. My son will continue to have the love and support of both of his parents in the same household. No divorce, no torn heartstrings. While there may be rough spots, we will persevere because we love one another and because we can openly and honestly communicate or we always TRY to communicate, even if the lines are fuzzy sometimes.

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