Where There's Smoke

I turned the car engine off and checked my makeup in the rear view mirror. Deciding it was not good enough for the company I was about to keep, I dug through my purse for my compact and lipstick, quickly applying a thin layer of burgundy shimmer to my lips. I studied myself in the rear view again, pushing my bangs this way and that until I realized how ridiculous I was being. I shook my head and smiled. I just couldn't help it. Jonathan Tillinghast was the kind of person who made you want to look your best.

He is what I would call the perfect gentleman. When he asks you how you are doing, he truly wants to know the answer. If you are well, he is supremely happy for you. If you are not, he is instantly affected and wants to know what is wrong, and if he can do anything to cheer you.

Jonathan is the most loyal person I have ever met. He was here when I made my first visit some twelve years ago, and he never misses a day. He will stay late without a blink of an eye if some emergency comes up. I often get the feeling that Jonathan lives here, that this is his home.

I entered the brick building and walked down the hallway to the second suite on the left. Inside the serene waiting room, soft music played as I gave my name to the receptionist. I settled into a chair along the far wall and leaned forward to browse through the esoteric collection of magazines on a low table. Several other people waited with me, quietly reading or gazing into the large fish tank under the picture window. There was no television blaring commercials. A gentle reminder hanging near the entrance to the office asked that all cell phones be shut off. My yoga class was not this relaxing.

It is a large practice consisting of four doctors, but only one audiologist. Jonathan handles the volume of patients easily without making anyone feel that they have been rushed through their appointment. If you are forced to wait, it is only briefly, and no one would ever complain. Jonathan is worth waiting for.

The first time I met him was during a heat wave. I had left work early, but not enough to prevent me from hitting cross-town traffic. By the time I arrived, I was uptight and a few minutes late. I burst into the waiting room. Jonathan was sitting with his legs crossed, reading the newspaper. I assumed he was another patient. I rushed to the window to check in, but before I could give my name to the white-clad woman on the other side of the glass, Jonathan was at my elbow.

"Mrs. Gardner?" he asked, bending forward at the waist.

I was captivated. Jonathan had, and still has, the most alarming grey eyes. They remind me of the smoke of a recently extinguished flame. You can almost still feel the heat. He was wearing a long sleeved white dress shirt and a tie. I couldn't believe how anyone could dress like that in ninety-degree heat, but Jonathan looked perfectly cool and collected.

"Ah, yes, I... I'm sorry I'm late," I stammered.

"Please don't concern yourself, Mrs. Gardner. It's no trouble at all. Did you have difficulty finding us?" he asked. I swear if I had said I had gotten lost, he would have drawn me a map detailing all possible routes for future reference.

"No, I got caught in traffic."

"That can be so frustrating, especially when you're trying to be somewhere on time. But you're here now. And I forget my manners. My name is Jonathan Tillinghast, and it is a pleasure to meet you."

He shook my hand and held it longer than was necessary. He ushered me through the office door as if I was royalty. As I followed him down the corridor, I couldn't help but notice his shirt was without a single crease and the taper of his haircut was flawless. I looked down at my summer dress, crumpled from the humidity and the hours sitting behind a desk. My hair was carelessly twisted up on top of my head and held in place by, of all things, a pencil. I made a mental note to begin paying closer attention to my appearance.

I was completely taken in. Several years later, I moved to the suburbs but I did not even consider switching to a different practice. The longer drive doesn't matter to me. Jonathan knows my history, and he cares for my well-being. I trust him implicitly.

Now as I waited with the other patients, I felt eyes upon me. I raised my head to find Jonathan standing before me holding the office door open. He did not speak. It was almost as if he was waiting for me to see him first, so as not to disturb my reading.

I crossed the room to where he was standing. We greeted each other as old friends might.

"Mrs. Gardner, how are you today?" he asked. I extended my arm, and he closed both of his large hands over my smaller one, squeezing gently.

"I'm fine, Jonathan. How are you?" He insists on being called by his first name, although he would never address me as Elizabeth.

We exchanged pleasantries as we made our way to the familiar examination room. Jonathan waited for me to be seated before he sank into a low stool before a computer workstation.

"Did you have an opportunity to try the Portuguese restaurant I mentioned?" Jonathan asked. He smiled and waited patiently for my response. My chart lay unopened on his lap.

"Yes, and it was marvelous. I had the most wonderful shrimp appetizer," I said.

"Ah, yes. I know exactly what you are talking about. The shrimp is skewered, and swimming in a spicy butter sauce." Our eyes met and together we relived the decadence of the flavorful dish.

After several minutes, the discussion turned to the reason for my visit. Jonathan scrutinized my records as if he were trying to memorize them. He squinted and nodded his approval.

"Well, how are you feeling, Mrs. Gardner? Any residual dizziness? Nausea?"

"No, I feel much better," I responded.

"Any discomfort at all?"

"No. I think I have made a full recovery." I laughed softly.

"You don't know how happy I am to hear that. Some patients are troubled by vertigo for months," Jonathan said soberly. "Of course, Dr. Silva is an excellent surgeon. You were in good hands."

"As I am now," I said without a hint of modesty. My beaming smile must have conveyed the genuine affection I felt for this caring man.

"You are too kind," Jonathan said quietly. "But let's see how things look today, shall we?"

The hearing in my left ear had been deteriorating for twenty years. I had sat through so many of these exams that I probably could have performed the tests myself. Of course, having Jonathan perform them was preferable. I enjoy his company. I appreciate his concern.

Jonathan picked up a large pair of headphones and carefully cleaned the earpieces with an alcohol wipe. He stood before me, holding the bulky contraption in both hands.

"Now, I am going to place these headphones over your ears." As he spoke these words, Jonathan lifted the headphones to my eye level, just in case I hadn't noticed them before now. He stepped in close to my left side and slid the cool plastic covers down over my head. The large earpieces not only made it difficult to hear, but they partially covered my temples, cheeks and jawbone. A wire ran from the left earpiece to the computer at the workstation.

"Comfortable?" Jonathan asked. I nodded my head while he adjusted the metal strap that spanned the top of my head, ensuring the headphones would fit snugly. "Are you sure? I could loosen them a bit," he said. I laughed and told him I was fine, that he should stop worrying about me.

Jonathan turned to the computer. I watched him as he worked, feigning interest in what he was doing. My true intention was to look at his left hand, which was closer to me. Jonathan was focused on his work and didn't notice me sneak a glance at him. Still no wedding ring. I couldn't understand it. I had wondered in the past if he was gay, but I had come to the conclusion that he was not. Something told me this man would make one lucky woman very happy someday.

He could have had anyone. Jonathan was not young anymore, but his classic good looks were improving with every passing year. He was tall, slim and moved gracefully. He had mentioned once that he liked to dance. Occasionally, I fantasized about being held in his arms and waltzed around a ballroom.

"Alright, we're ready to begin. I'll put some tones in your left ear first, and then the right. When you hear the tones, press the button." Jonathan handed me a small wand that fit in the palm of my hand. I readied my thumb over the button located on top.

Jonathan left the room. He slammed the door behind him, and the heavy lock clanked into place. I was alone in the small, dimly lit room with padded walls that looked as if they were papered with tan corduroy. Jonathan appeared in the window on my right, placing a smaller pair of headphones on himself and sitting down at a desk. I settled back in my chair and dutifully squeezed on the small wand when a tone sounded in my ears.

Jonathan returned to the sound room to place a small bone conductor on my head that would transmit sound directly to my inner ear. I sat patiently as he adjusted another strap over my head. Again, Jonathan instructed me to press the button when I heard the tones.

I looked up at him, crinkled my nose and giggled.

"What? Are you uncomfortable?" Jonathan asked.

"I was just thinking I must look lovely with all these things stuck to my head."

Jonathan raised his eyebrows. "Indeed, you do. You always look lovely, Mrs. Gardner."

Surely the headphones were obstructing my hearing. He must have meant it as a compliment. Jonathan would never flirt with a patient, especially not a married one; it would not be appropriate. He left the room again and returned to his booth. I thought I saw him hesitate before he slammed the door.

I watched through the window as Jonathan performed the next test, measuring my responses and plotting them on a chart. He wore his tawny brown hair closely cropped except for the front, which rose above his forehead like a wave. He had once referred to it as his "James Dean look". Whatever it was, it worked. I found myself thinking about his social situation again, and hoping he was happy.

Jonathan returned to my cave-like room once more to make preparations for the next phase of the testing. He removed the bone conductor and hung it on its cradle at his workstation.

"Now for the speech test," Jonathan said. "I'll speak a series of words into each ear, and you repeat them back to me. And look at the mess I've made of your hair," he added.

He had been looking at me with an expression I could not fathom. I thought maybe there was something stuck in my teeth, but no. Jonathan was concerned that he had ruined my coiffure. It was just like him.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'll fix it later," I said with a wave of my hand.

"It was done up so nicely," Jonathan said. He reached forward and attempted to tuck a loose strand of my dark brown hair behind my ear, but the headphones were in the way.

"It's fine, really," I managed to say. His touch had completely caught me off guard.

Jonathan cleared his throat quickly and turned away, catching his arm in the cord that ran from my headphones to the computer.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry, Mrs. Gardner. Did I hurt you?" Jonathan blurted out. He looked as flustered as I felt. I was relieved to see that he was blushing; at least I wasn't the only one.

"No damage done," I said, although there was a noticeable tremor in my voice. The headphones had been yanked down the left side of my head, and I quickly straightened them by myself. I felt certain I would die of embarrassment if he touched me again.

Jonathan left me alone and returned to the control booth once more. I took several deep breaths to steady myself and nervously pulled up on my scoop-neck sweater. It hugged every curve of my upper body, and I had specifically worn it so I would look nice in Jonathan's presence. I looked down at the fuchsia valley and the mounds that sloped up from the divide. Next time, I would wear something less revealing.

"Repeat the words you hear to the best of your ability, and please look to the front," Jonathan instructed. I focused on the blank wall before me, knowing I must not watch Jonathan's lips move or I might be able to interpret the words he spoke. My mind was racing, making it difficult to pay attention. I stumbled over a few words. Just what was going on with Jonathan today? He had never acted this way before. I knew he would be diligently marking my chart right now, so I turned my eyes to see if I could read anything in his body language that would explain his behavior.

Jonathan was looking directly at me. I nearly jumped out of my skin, knowing I had been caught. But the thing that truly startled me was Jonathan's eyes. The grey smoke had dissipated to reveal a hunger and ferocity, the eyes of a wolf on the prowl. My palms began to sweat.

"Please look to the front," Jonathan said through the earphones. His voice was entirely calm and he smiled at me. The animal that had been staring at me retreated, its eyes returning to their usual warm benevolence.

I was in a near panic. There was only one more test, and it would be completed within a matter of seconds. I told myself to stay calm; it would all be over soon.

Jonathan recited the last of the test words and left the control room. I took the headphones off before he even opened the door. Jonathan dropped my chart on the workstation and took the headphones from my hands.

He picked up a small probe and placed a sterile plastic cover over the end. Coming to my right side, Jonathan placed the probe deep in my ear. He walked to the computer and depressed several keys. The pressure in my ear increased briefly then decreased. Jonathan kept his eyes on the computer monitor.

"Good," he said. After removing the probe from my right ear, he came around to my other side. Tugging gently at my earlobe, Jonathan inserted the probe in my left ear. He turned to the keyboard and again punched some keys. This time I did not feel any change in pressure.

Jonathan looked from his monitor to the side of my head. "Hmm, it must not be in properly."

He poked at the probe, but it did not budge. Grasping my ear lobe more forcefully, he shoved the plastic shaft down into my ear canal. I winced slightly.

"Sorry," he said. He released the end of the probe and let his fingertips slip down my neck, coming to rest on my clavicle. A shiver wracked my body. Jonathan didn't seem to notice. He turned to his keyboard and started the impedance test again with his right hand. The left remained on my trembling skin.

"Worked that time," Jonathan announced. He crouched down so his face was in line with my head. I waited to feel the probe slipping from my ear, but the sensation did not come. I looked sideways. Jonathan was within an inch of my face, his warm breath against my cheek. I did not move a muscle. The probe still tethered me to the computer. In desperation, I pulled it out myself and let it fall to the floor.

The hand that rested on my clavicle slid over my shoulder and down to the small of my back. My breathing was so erratic I could not possibly hide it. Jonathan pressed closer still, murmuring against my cheek, "I so enjoy your appointments. I wish I could see more of you."

I had to do something to relieve the tension. I stuck my chin out with all the confidence I could muster and spoke the first words that came to mind. "So, is this room really soundproof?"

Jonathan pressed his lips against my ear and whispered.

"You could scream your head off, Mrs. Gardner. No one would hear you."

I leapt from my chair and made a break for the door. Jonathan grabbed my upper arm as I bolted past him. The last thing I remember before hitting the floor was the feeling of being whipped backwards, as if I was aboard some sort of sinister amusement park ride. I landed hard on my rear end and fell back on my elbows.

Jonathan loomed over me, his grey eyes ablaze with lust. His upper lip was curled into a snarl. As I heaved myself forward in another attempt to escape, he dropped on his knees beside me and threw me back again. I grunted as my head slammed against the thinly carpeted floor. Jonathan swung his leg over my waist and straddled me. He pinned my wrists and leaned down to draw his hot, flat tongue up the side of my face.

I drew my breath in sharply. Jonathan was much stronger than I was; struggling was most likely useless. And as he licked my lips, drawing tiny circles with his tongue, I decided I did not want to struggle. I peered into his eyes and saw the desires that had been suppressed, the pleasures he had denied himself for years. I saw the real Jonathan for the first time, and he was a wild animal who wanted only to do what nature had intended for him. He covered my mouth completely with his own and devoured me. The wolf had captured his prey, and she did not resist.

Jonathan forced my sweater and bra up and turned his tongue loose on my large nipples, sucking them until they were erect and elongated. His knees forced my legs apart. I could feel the heat of his erection pushing against me. I lay motionless, my arms still above my head, and allowed Jonathan to ravage me. He reached under my wool skirt and yanked at my black stockings. The sound of the sheer fabric ripping seemed to make him more determined to reach his destination. He pushed the stockings past my creamy thighs, and I kicked them the rest of the way off. Jonathan rammed two fingers deep inside me and rubbed my hardening clitoris with his thumb.

Neither of us had spoken a word, but the sounds of our lovemaking filled the room. Jonathan's grunts mingled with my higher pitched cries and squeals, marking each thrust of his hand inside my body. I wrapped one arm around his neck now, using my other hand to assist him in his violent probing. I moaned deeply as his thumb flicked the tip of my swollen, purple sex.

Together, we tore at his pants. He pulled his long shaft out of his briefs and let the elastic snap back under his testicles, pushing them up high. As we crashed back to the floor, I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him into my wet folds. My cries of ecstasy mounted as his hot thickness replaced his all too slender fingers. Our rhythm became frantic. I unclenched my legs from around Jonathan's body and held them up in the air, spreading them wide for this gentle man who had turned deliciously violent. The warm sensations that signaled my peak washed over my body. With eyes shut and mouth twisted open, I screamed my pleasure so loudly that my throat ached for hours afterward.

My release sent Jonathan over the edge. He bucked and howled as he came inside me, thrusting deeply to receive the carnal gratification that he had finally claimed for his own. Our bodies melted together as our desires, now fulfilled, washed away. Our lips touched, our hands stroked, and our hushed moans spoke the satisfaction we both felt so deeply.

After what seemed like an eternity, Jonathan stood and pulled me to my feet. He slid my bra back down and helped smooth the sweater over my chest. I pulled on what was left of my stockings as he tucked himself in. I stumbled to the chair and brushed my disheveled hair away from my face.

"May I?" Jonathan asked softly.

He grasped the decorated end of the metal stick that held my hair in place, pulling it out slowly so my hair trickled like molasses down onto my neck. He put the stick in his shirt pocket and placed his hands on either side of my head. Slowly, his fingers combed through my dark tresses until they were smooth and free of tangles. Jonathan carefully rolled and twisted my hair back into a neat French knot. Holding his creation in one hand, he retrieved the small rod from his pocket and weaved it through my hair.

We shared one last, lingering kiss before he sat down on his stool. He looked over the results of my test and smiled.