Where to Find Love Ch. 01

Note: English is not my first language and on top of that, this is the first story I have ever written. If you desire a story void of grammatical mistakes and with a rich vocabulary, this is not it. However, if you decide to read this story and want to give constructive criticism, know that I appreciate it.

Where to find love

Should one find love based on feelings, or with values?

Prologue

The train is rather empty at this time of the day. It left at 14:39 and it takes me 24 minutes to get me where I need to be. I'm holding a book in my hands but I'm not actually paying much attention to it. I stop with my mindless staring at the pages and look up through the window of the train, seeing houses and trees appear and disappear from my view. I notice things that are closer to me are seemingly moving much faster than objects further away. I try to remember my high school physics lesson. Or is the answer to be found in biology? I cannot recall. Science never was my strong suit. Luckily, I have a friend who is a lot more knowledgeable. The two of us have been friends since we were twelve, meeting each other at our first year in high school. She spent most of her teenage years behind her books while I went to parties, drinking and dancing. Not that I regret those times. We all make choices in life. We all decide for ourselves where we put our values and where we get our happiness from.

I had a happy and carefree youth, like most other teenagers. Yet it is a fact that my friend has the better paying job now. Only logical. She went to university and even achieved a PhD while I just got a bachelor degree. I won't complain about it though. I have a great job at a rather successful company where I work as a graphical designer. That was rather lucky. Few jobs in that field of work, but much demand. That day, on the day of the job interview, I wore one of my more revealing shirts. Since the person handling my job application was a male who would become my boss if I got the job, I decided to exploit one of the bigger weaknesses of men. Big, natural breasts. I am blessed in that area. And on top of that, my teenage years have given me some experience with handling men. That man taking the interview never stood a chance. My friend Ellen has less experience in that area.

As far as I know, she only lost her virginity after she turned 20. By the time I turned 20, I needed my second hand to count the guys I had slept with. I notice the man sitting in front of me on the train staring at me. Or rather, my body. He looks up. When our eyes cross, he smiles. I decide to ignore him and continue looking through the window. I can just about see the reflection of myself in the glass. Sara, a 29-year-old woman. My long, light blonde hair is put in a high ponytail on my head, like every workday. My eyes, brown of color, are surrounded by a rather heavy eyeliner and dark eyeshadow. Together with a pink lipstick, my eyes contrast nicely with my light hair color and lips.

With my rounded face, my tanned skin and a curvy figure with big breasts I turn quite the amount of male, and occasionally female, heads. I look good, especially when I pick my clothes right, which I know how to do. I have always looked good, and I know it. Every time I go out with Ellen, men do not pay her much attention, yet as far as I know, it has never bothered her. She is skinny, has been wearing glasses for as long as I can remember and doesn't have much of a figure to speak of. Her little hills on her chest don't indicate a high fertility to the men either. A little smile appears unconsciously on my face. I am really lucky, having a friend like her. She is someone I can trust, someone I can depend on, someone who can keep a secret. I take out my phone.

"Are you eager to get my number?" the guy sitting in front of me asks. "You know, I don't give it to just any pretty girl I meet in the train." He winks.

"Sorry, I have a boyfriend," I reply. The smile of the guy disappears.

"Oh, that's unfortunate. Bad luck for me. I won't bother you again."

I turn my eyes down towards the screen of my phone and start typing a text message.

I'm in the train. The trees far away from me move rly slow, while the trees closer to me move quicker. Why...?

A moment later, my phone vibrates in my hand.

It's because of the cone of the vision of your eyes. Imagine an equilateral triangle, where your eyes are one point and the only thing you can see is what's inside of the triangle. The distance between the edges of the sides increases the further away from your eyes it is. So, when two things move at the same speed, going from one side to the other, things closer to you will reach the other side much quicker, thus spending less time in your field of view.

Biology it is. Ellen has a PhD in chemistry while I have my bachelor in graphic design, although this basic science is probably known to most high-school graduates. Just like science, there have been many other subjects I barely passed. Things would probably have turned out differently if I had never met Ellen. And not for the better. After putting away my phone, I grab my book again. Not that I read a lot. In fact, I only read exactly one book every year. For Christmas, Ellen always gifts me a book. If not for her, I would probably never read any. It takes me a while, but I always manage to finish it before the next Christmas, mostly because then I can talk to her about it.

A sound echoes through the train as I hear the name of my city. That's my stop. I put away my book, stand up and start walking out. When I step out of the train, I take a quick look at the clock hanging in the station. It's just past 15 hours. I'm home rather early. Almost two hours early in fact. A technical defect with the servers and a problem with something called 'back-up' has made work for me nearly impossible until the IT guys would fix it. When they told us resolving the problem would take two to four hours, my boss decided to send us home early. I walk towards the bus station. The apartment where I live is only five to ten minutes of walking away from the train station, but with the high heels I am wearing, taking the bus is much more comfortable. And besides, I fitness for at least a couple of hours every week. So, it's not like that five-minute walk makes a difference.

A little while later, I enter my apartment building. Alex mentioned this morning he would probably be home before me, but that was when he expected me to be home at five. I walk up the stairs, wondering about what I will do with my extra free time. Normally I cook alone. But perhaps, if Alex is already home, we can cook something together. We can go a bit slower now, on his pace. Or perhaps we can just cuddle a bit while listening to music or watching something on TV. I take out my keys and open the door. The door is halfway open, the house key still in its lock, when I freeze. My eyes widen, my mouth falls open. "Not again," I whisper. The heads of two people on the couch turn in my direction. Alex is sitting on the couch. A woman with long, blonde hair, is sitting over him, her legs spread.

"Babe... What are you doing?" I ask. But I already know the answer to that question. Tears start to well up in my eyes.

"I uhm... Listen," Alex stammers while the girl removes herself from on top of Alex's legs. "This is..."

"Damn," the girl interrupts Alex's stammering. "You fucked up. I think I'll be going." Before the girl has a chance to start dressing I am already walking down on the stairs.

"Babe, wait!" I look back and see Alex running behind me, naked. His still erect dick bouncing up and down. I ignore his pleads and continue walking downstairs. Alex stops his naked chase of me when he sees me walking out through the door. My next act is unconscious. I simply cannot think. I do what I do every workday morning. I walk to the bus stop, take a bus to the train station and wait on my train for work to arrive. When I'm at the station I take out my phone. Before turning the screen on, I can see a reflection of my face into it. I take my handkerchief out of my pocket and start cleaning the black lines on my cheeks. While holding my phone, I think about the guy who had flirted with me on the train. It seems like I do not have a boyfriend any longer. I start typing a text message. Are you free? Something happened and I rly need to see u. Ellen doesn't ask what has happened, she just sends: No problem. I'm going to go home, feel free to come to my place. Ellen also lives in this city, and this is also the place where she works. She never left the university after graduating and has made from studying her profession.

***

15 minutes have passed when I arrive at Ellen's place. She lives in a residential area in a nice home at the edge of the city. I stand before her and ring the bell. When she opens the door, she barely has the time to say: "Hey there," before I hug her. A moment later I let go of her and step inside so she can close the door.

"Thanks," I say. "Did you come from work?"

"I did," she replies. "But I have no more classes to teach today so it's no bother." Ellen looks at my face. "I'll make you a latté," she says. "Then you can tell me what has happened." I watch her walk to her kitchen and take a seat on the couch. I wait in silence until she brings me a hot latté.

"Thanks," I say while she puts the cup down on the table before me. Ellen sits in silence, waiting for me to start talking. "It happened again," I say. "I came home early today. And when I came home I saw them on the couch. I saw Alex with another girl on top of him, both naked." I turn silent and stare at my cup of coffee.

"You can stay here for tonight, if you choose to," Ellen says. "When something like this happens, we feel a lot and we think little. That means we don't really know what we feel. Drink your coffee and talk to me. I'll listen. I won't move." I grab my cup and take a sip of coffee. When I put the cup down again, I notice tears are once again welling up in my eyes.

"How could he do that?" I say. "I thought he was happy with our relationship. Happy with me." Tears roll over my cheeks and I grab my handkerchief to dry my eyes a little. "Was he not happy with me? Is something wrong with me?"

"You are an amazing woman," Ellen says. "You are kind and compassionate and just a wonderful person. I could not ask for a better friend. Don't you ever think there is something wrong with you because of something like this." I give Ellen a little smile, but it quickly disappears from my face. I simply don't have the energy for it.

"Hm..., but why me then? This is the second time. The second time." I take another sip of my coffee. "Perhaps it's my fault. For some reason, I just fall for the wrong guys." A silence falls. I continue drinking my coffee while Ellen just sits in silence, waiting to listen to anything I might say. After a while, Ellen breaks the silence.

"You'll sleep here tonight. I'll order some pizza and we'll watch a movie." I reach over to Ellen and hug her. How glad I am that she is in my life. That she is my best friend and I am hers. The tears finally stop rolling.

Chapter 1

I wake up. While looking around for an alarm clock, I see an empty spot next to me. Ellen must be up already. I continue looking around and notice light shimmering from behind the curtains. A moment later, my eyes finally fall on the black numbers of the clock. 9:31. Well past the hour I normally need to get up to arrive at work on time. While removing the duvet from me, I notice my nightgown. Or rather, Ellen's nightgown, reminding me about my clothes and other stuff still at the apartment, but I really don't want to come into contact with Alex right now. I decide to worry about it later and leave Ellen's bedroom. I walk downstairs and a moment later I enter the living room.

"Good morning," I hear someone call from the kitchen. I walk towards the sound and see Ellen sitting at the kitchen table. She's also in her nightgown, sitting behind her laptop while drinking coffee.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" I ask. Ellen doesn't reply but just gives me a smile.

"I made some fresh orange juice for you," she says while pointing at a glass of juice on the table. I take a seat and take a sip from the juice. "I took a day off," Ellen says. "And I called your company too." I look at her but Ellen seems to be focused on the screen of her laptop. "It's probably good for you to take your mind of things, but I don't think work is the right place for that." I stay silent and listen to her words. "So, I decided we're going to spend some time together today. I was thinking we could go shopping this afternoon and go eat out for dinner." Ellen grabs her cup of coffee and looks up at you. "What do you think about that?" she asks after which she takes a swig from her coffee.

"I would enjoy that," I reply. "But you shouldn't have stayed home for me. I know how important your work is for you. How much you enjoy it. You're already letting me sleep here. I would've managed to keep myself busy without being a bother." Ellen just smiles as I talk.

"You are right, my work is indeed one of my greatest values. I am proud of the work I do and the money I make doing it. But you are someone who is a great value to my life too, Sara. If you hadn't been there during my time in high school, no, during my whole youth, my life would have been worse of for it."

"Do you want to make me cry again?" I say, but I chuckle after saying it. I grab myself some slices of bread and finish my orange juice, enjoying my breakfast while Ellen continues working on her laptop. When I finish eating, I go to my handbag to grab my phone and switch it on. Six missed calls and two text messages. I walk back to the kitchen while looking at the caller. Everything was from Alex. "He tried to call me," I say to Ellen. "Should I call back?"

"You will have to call or talk sometime," Ellen replies. "You stuff is still at your home. And perhaps he has prepared some extensive apology." I open my text messages from him.

I'm sorry. This was really stupid of me. But this woman was a total slut who totally took advantage of me. I told her I had a gf but she kept seducing and pushing me. I swear, I totally regret what I did. I want u back, come home pls. I want only u. xx

"Should I perhaps give him a second chance?" I ask. "You know, if I think he really regrets it and sees he was wrong? This is my second boyfriend to cheat on me. At least, that I know of. Perhaps ... I don't know..."

"That's for you to decide," Ellen says. "But think well about it. Make a rational choice based on facts, not a choice guided by your feelings." I start typing his number and put the phone on my ear.

"Sara," I hear a male voice say. "Thanks for finally calling back. I'm really sorry babe. I really regret what I did. I made a mistake, but I also think that that woman enjoys breaking up people." I do not react to his flood of words. "She must have seen us together somewhere and decided to destroy our relationship just for the fun of it."

"I'll need to think about this Alex. About us. For now, I want to come pick-up some stuff of mine. Are you home?"

"I am until twelve."

"Okay, bye," I say and hang up, not waiting for a response.

"Hey Ellen, I really don't want to see him. Would you perhaps be willing to go to my apartment and pick up some stuff?" I ask. "You won't need a whole suitcase. I just need some clothes and my make-up."

"Of course," she replies. "I'm going to take a shower now and then I'll go to get your stuff."

"Thanks," I say. I decide to watch some tv while waiting for Ellen to finish her shower. When she comes back downstairs, I see her off and proceed to take a shower myself. Soon, I feel the hot water falling down on my skin, I can't help but let my mind wander to the first guy who cheated on me. Lukas was his name. I was nineteen years old and in my first year at college, getting my bachelor degree. He wasn't my first boyfriend and I already had some experience with boys at that age, but he was the first who was able to totally seduce me. I felt so comfortable with him and I wanted him to desire me above anyone or anything else. I was his girl. He had my mind and my body and I loved every second of that time. It was after a couple months when I started to suspect he was hiding something from me.

Not because he acted weird, but because he had accidently left his Facebook account logged in. I could not help but take a peek at his private messages. There was that one girl to which he had been messaging on a daily basis. Half of it of a very erotic nature. When I read one of his messages saying something like, 'I haven't done it in a clothing store yet. Why don't we go shopping this Friday? Sara has class between 14 and 18,' I pretty much knew he was cheating. Yet that Friday evening I said nothing. I was so sad that evening, but also so afraid. Afraid of losing him. When he cuddled against me, when he started to touch me and undress me, I did nothing. I let him do what he wanted, just like he had done hours earlier with another girl. Weeks passed without me saying anything. I continued being a faithful girlfriend while he spent time with his lover.

Finally, a moment came when I managed to gather my courage. I told him how sad I would be if he cheated on me. I even asked if there was something I could do to make him want me more, just so he wouldn't want to cheat. He simply evaded the question, saying something like, 'you are the girl I want most'. After that I just told him that I had discovered his cheating. I even gave him the name of the girl. He just reacted with, 'Oh, her. Don't worry about her. I don't love her like I love you. I just sometimes spend some time with her'. Before that day, I didn't even think it possible that guys with his mentality, his way of thinking, existed. Just bad luck, I thought. This can't happen more than once in a girl her life. Yet here I stand, hot water pouring on my skin, in a shower that is not my own, knowing better. I hear someone enter the house. If it is Ellen, then that means I have been standing under this shower for at least half an hour already. With a slight feeling of guilt for using so much water, I turn to shower knob off and step out. I hear a knock on the door.

"Can I come in?" Ellen asks. "I got your clothes."

"Sure," I reply. Ellen opens the door and looks at my naked body. Not something she hasn't seen before. She lays my clothes on a wicker basket. "What did he say?" I ask.

"Not much," Ellen replies. "I mean, exactly what you would expect. He wants you to come back to him. It was a mistake which he regrets and never will repeat. He also told me that the girl had seduced him, and not the other way around."

"Just a lame excuse," I scoff. "Perhaps he's honest when he says he regrets it, but his lack of willpower is worrying if his version of what has happened is true." I look around the bathroom for a towel. When I see one, I grab it and start drying myself. "Do you think he's honest?" I ask Ellen.

"Hard to say for me. I don't know him well enough to judge him. I could make a guess based on looks, the way he acts. But it would just be a guess."

"Guess," I ask.

"I never really hung around men like him, you know that," Ellen says. "He doesn't strike me as a person who enjoys a stable relationship. I also think he has very little values in his life. I think he's more inclined to cheat, and keep cheating, compared to most other men." I lay down the towel and stare at my clothes, thinking about what Ellen just said. Should I give him another chance? Or would it be futile and is he simple no different than Lukas, also applying no value to sex and not caring who it is with.