Who I Am Before I Was Ch. 03

So here it is…. the Third installment of the series. The plot is forming in my mind as I write. Too bad my mind can't type, then I could get some much needed rest. Damn graveyard shift. Well, I guess that's appropriate, isn't it. Here we go, this story is NC-17. So kiddies, say bye. Go watch the Power-Puff Girls or something. And the Disclaimer… not mine. They are all Joss', Mutant Enemy, WB, UPN and no longer David Greenwalt.

Rant: You can either read this, or skip over it. As a huge fan since Welcome to the Hellmouth first aired, I believe I've earned the right to get snippy. Okay, so I'm finding it very difficult to write anymore. Most of my other stories which are hard to find, if impossible, were written a long time ago. But now, I merely watch Buffy as a mean's to an end. I hate it. Really I do. I hate the mockery the writers have made our beloved characters. I loved Spike. Second season, and when he came back for an ep in the third, even when he first got chipped, but now…I hate him. They killed the heart of who the vamp was. And a soul…that was supposed to be this rare thing. That's what made Angel special. Now it degrades that. Buffy is no longer the person, in my opinion, for which we all fell in love with. I felt small vindication this year in an earlier episode when she said, forgive me if this isn't exact, Angel is the only one I will ever love for the rest of my life….that was a warmth to the heart all us original fans needed.

Too bad they still keep going with this Spike thing. And as for Angel, and Cordelia saying she believes she always has known she loved him – gag! The only reason I want to see them get together, is to hopefully see some Angel nakedness. But that's my own issues J But other than that, this whole kid thing, (which, no offence to Vincent) was better if the baby stayed a baby. It was bad in the first place, but why did it have to go all soap opera. I feel like I'm watching Days of Our Lives. Angel seems to all but forgotten about Buffy. While I admit I get more entertainment now from Angel than I do Buffy, I'm still not impressed with what each character has turned into. If this is indeed the last year for Buffy, which I believe it is, I can only hope that the writers and producers give us something back. The way I would do it - Buffy would leave Sunnydale to fight demons in Europe, etc, all around the world so she can experience life. The when Angel comes to its final episodes of the shows run (which I hope will be a long way from now) that Buffy comes back for those last episodes. And they shag so hard it would make people who read these stories, blush. Maybe I've been reading too much fairie-tales. But that's my wish. Whew! I'm done now. Let's move on, shall we….

Chapter 3: Secrets, Lies & Bad Guys

"Willow," Buffy called from across the quad as she saw the red-head scurry past the large group of kids. Buffy ran after her friend, calling her name as she did. She wasn't sure what she was going to say to her once she had her attention, but something needed to be said after that weekend. Everything was out in the open. Well, only one thing really. Willow knew Buffy was having sex with Angelus. But she didn't know the reasons; the desires that coursed through each of them. The hunger that was unshakeable. Only Buffy and Angelus knew that. No. The only thing Willow knew, was that she was on her bed pleasing herself through Angelus' instructions, and was in no way forced to do so.

Willow finally halted in her tracks. She had heard Buffy the last few moments calling her name. But the churning of her stomach at the thought of facing her best friend kept her from turning back. But it seems that Buffy had other ideas. Was this really the place to have this conversation? And what would she say? 'So Buffy, how's that thing with your ex going? You know, that screwing him on your bed thing? Been going on for awhile? Hmm…interesting. Well, good luck with that then.' Somehow, Willow thought, that didn't have the zest she was hoping for.

At the soft touch of Buffy's hand on her shoulder, Willow slowly turned. "Hi, Buffy. I didn't hear you. So, did you study for the Chem test?"

"Willow. We need to talk."

"About what?"

Buffy sighed. Maybe Willow was too innocent for this. But how could she be after all the things she had witnessed since Buffy situated herself in her life. But hoe could demons, ghost and vampires measure up to what she had to observe to the other night? Simple. It couldn't. "Will, please. We need to talk."

Willow nodded as she followed Buffy toward the clustered trees away from the building. They could talk there without worrying about passerby's looking and listening in. Buffy didn't sit, merely stood facing the tree as Willow stood behind her. Languidly she turned with several tears streaking her face. "I love him Will. I know who he is. I know the things he's done. But I love him. I'm surrounded by death all the time, but Angelus, he makes….he makes me feel alive."

"He is death Buffy. How can you say that you love him? He's like the opposite of Angel."

"I know. I love Angel too. And I want him back. I do. But if I can't have Angel, I need at least Angelus. I don't expect you to understand…"

Willow shook her head slowly as anger marked itself across her face. Her eyes beginning to spill tears she didn't dare wipe away, "You're right Buffy. I don't understand. I don't understand how you could put all of us…you, in jeopardy. How you could degrade yourself for him. Mock what you and Angel had.."

"I'm not mocking it."

"Yes you are Buffy. Don't you get it? Angel tried to stay away from you. To protect you from everything he was. He fought to save you. And now you go willingly into Angelus' bed? Screw him for what? So you can get off. No, I think you're the one that doesn't understand. And as for feeling alive, I would think the people that love you and help you would make you feel that. Not some demon."

"You weren't…you weren't meant to see what you did on the weekend," Buffy stood closer to Willow, "you weren't meant to –"

"What? Find out? My guess is the only thing you are really worried about Buffy, is me telling Giles. What would he say? The only reason you wish I hadn't see you two is because now I know. This isn't your dirty little secret anymore. It's our dirty little secret. Only, I don't know if I like keeping secrets like that Buffy. Did you never stop to think? I guess not."

Buffy hung her head, "I can't stop loving him Willow. His soul was taken, but he can still talk to me in such kindness that I think it's Angel. Angelus was right. I love all of him. And I have completely submitted to him. And I like it."

"Then have your fun Buffy. I hope he doesn't kill you," Willow said with bitterness, "I guess we know where your loyalties lie," Willow took several steps back from where Buffy stood. "I have to get to Science class," with that she turned her heel and walked off wiping tears of betrayal from her eyes.

Buffy leaned against the tall oak and slid to the ground, taking comfort in the soft turf as her mind wondered back to the last time she had been against a tree…..

"Tell me. Tell me you love it, Buff"

"I love…ah God…I love it… Angelus"

"Do you want to cum my little Slayer? Do you want me to fuck you into the ground? Tell me, my love"

"Yes!"

"You want my flesh, don't you? You want to feel my skin on yours."

"Yes, Angelus…please."

"Buff. Hey Buffster."

Buffy shook away her thoughts as she looked up toward the sky, but only seeing Xander in front of her. "Oh, hey Xand, sorry, I guess I will in la-la land."

"Well, understandable. I mean, we are at school, and this is the last place you want to be aware you're at. Although, I tend to restrict my la-la land trips to the classroom. I find that's where they are the most useful."

Buffy stifled a laugh, then, at the offering of an open hand, stood just as the bell rung, "Oh nuts. I was supposed to meet Giles in the library before Homeroom. They both headed off toward the open doors to the school, squashing themselves between the hordes of kids that were clamoring to get inside.

"You seen Will today?"

Buffy stammered before releasing a nervous "No."

**********

"Come on you sodden poofter. Tell me what happened the other night when you when over to the little chit's house?" Spike said as he wrapped his arms around Drusilla.

"Oh, our boy had some fun, didn't he daddy," Dru swooned from side to side as she leaned her head against Spike's shoulder. Angelus merely gave her an evil smirk which only goaded her on, "Oh, tell us," she clapped, "the Slayer enjoyed her lesson did she?"

"Of course she did Dru. It was the same lesson you were taught, and you loved it," Angelus walked closer to the couple, slowly tracing a finger over Dru's face just before Spike pulled her away.

"Listen Mate, I suggest you get your fill of the Slayer, then toss her aside. Or better yet, KILL HER for bloody sake. You are a vampire you know. And she's the Slayer. We have that whole 'immortal enemies' sort of thing happening between our two kinds."

"Spike, if you knew what this girl tasted like –"

"Well then, I guess I'll have to have a taste of her. I am feeling rather puckish."

Before Spike could make a move, Angelus had vamped out and lunged forward wrapping his hand around the blondes throat, "You will never taste her. Not her blood. Not her sweet juices. Not her skin. She is mine," he growled, shoving Spike against the wall.

"Oh, my two boys are having a tiffy…it's so like the old days," Dru twirled around in her dress.

Spike brushed off his leather duster as he watched the retreating form of his grand-sire. "Well, if you so bloody in love with her, why don't you make her your mate," he said more out of humor than anything else.

Angelus turned on his heel. Looking back once again at the blonde, "Perhaps I will."

"What? I was only damn well joking mate. You can't possibly be thinking about turning her?"

"Why would I want to do that? I rather like her spread thighs warm when they're wrapped around me. And her hot honey flowing from her body. Spike, it's the most delectable wine."

**********

Xander could feel the tension between Buffy and Willow in chemistry class. Buffy kept looking at Willow. Willow kept her eyes focused on her work, intent on not letting Buffy know she was aware of the constant staring. During class, Willow had ignored Buffy's attempts at speaking with her and even knocked the note Buffy sent her way, to the floor. Good thing Mr. Sherbank's eyes never left his teacher's edition text book.

Come lunch time and two classes where they had all three been together, Xander was more than confused and more than annoyed. Buffy walked away on her own, making her own private spot in the lounge, away from Xander and Willow in the cafeteria.

Xander stared at his oldest and dearest friends as she chewed on the same piece of lettuce from her salad for the last ten minutes, finally dropping his fork down with a crash to his plate. Willow looked up at him confused. "What is going on with you two?"

Willow shook her head, "Nothing."

"Riiiggghhttt. Nothing. Nothing is the reason our best friend is eating lunch alone. Nothing is the reason you barred Buffy from making any contact with you during chem. and lit class. Nothing is the reason she seems to be completely lost."

The final words had hit Willow the hardest. How could she be angry at Buffy? Did she even have the right to be considering the only time Buffy was happy was when she was with Angel, and that was brutally taken away from her? Maybe she was too hard on her. Buffy was clinging to any scrap of Angel she could. But she had said it as clear as crystal….she loved Angelus. What Willow had witnessed had stayed in her mind the entire weekend. The picture could have been caught on film and sewn to the insides of her eyelids and Willow couldn't have seen it more than she already had. Was this really Buffy's fault or just another thing in a long list of things she couldn't control? Like being the slayer. It wasn't in her control that she was the Chosen One. And it wasn't in her control that she fell in love with a vampire.

As Cordelia and Oz made their way to the table she and Xander sat, Willow stood up and barely making eye contact, "I'll be right back."

The three teenagers watched the retreating form of the redhead. "What's that all about. Buffy's being all hermit girl, and Willow's being all 'in her own world'..Jeez, issues much, "Cordelia said before taking a bite from her pita bread.

Buffy had seen Willow approach but didn't bother to look up. Willow had made it obvious that she had no intention of speaking her today. Or ever.

"Hey," Willow said shifting her feet nervously and her hands played inside her overall jean pockets.

Buffy glanced up trying to give her best impression of a girl who had no cares in the world, "Hey."

Willow glanced at the empty space on the couch next to Buffy. Buffy nodded as a silent understanding of a truce came to play. Willow sat wringing her hands before turning to look at her friend, "I'm sorry Buffy."

"No Will, It's me. I should have told you. Instead you had to find out that way. I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me," as much as she tried, Buffy could not hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall all day, "I don't know what's wrong with me," she echoed.

Willow sighed heavily, "You're in love."

**********

It was after six when the uninvited, although not restricted, guest entered his office. He had been researching the Watcher Diaries once more. The hellmouth hadn't seen much action since Angelus had come into play, and that worried him. The judge was defeated, but he had no other speculations as to what the trio of vamps might be thinking of next. Until he was managed to be thrown off his game.

"You brits…such hard workers"

Giles spun around in his office only to see Angelus standing in his doorway with his trademark smirk flashing across his face. "What do you want?"

"Hmm. Good question. You think after as long as I've lived, I would know the answer to that. Thing is, I guess it changes. Like now for instance. I want information," Angelus said, pushing himself away from the doorframe to stalk toward Giles.

"Information? What kind? Like what I think would be the worst way to die so that you could perform such an action on me?"

Angelus laughed, "No. Not at all," his tone changed as he stared at the tweed-clad man. "Something's coming. I heard it underground. I don't know if it's really something to be concerned about, but I have a name. Means nothing to me. But it may to you."

Giles took his glasses off. Quickly scrubbed them clean with his handkerchief, then replaced them on his nose. "You want me to help you? Why? I thought you would rather enjoy something coming to town so that you may want to recruit it for the fight against the Slayer."

"The Slayer. Come on Rupert. Must we be so informal. It's just Buffy. Calling her the Slayer isn't going to intimidate me, so lets just use her name. And no, I don't need to recruit. You see," he began as he strolled around the tiny room catching glimpses of all the different books and resource material on the shelves, "since my, hmm, new found soulless state, I've managed to live up to my old reputation. I don't want anyone new coming in, I own this town," turning to face Giles only a foot away, "and own everyone who's in it. So," he began in a cheerful tone again as he continued on his tour of the office, "I thought I'd give a head's up. If I see it first, whatever it is, I'll kill it. And if the Slayer, oops," he smiled. "I mean Buffy. If our dear little Buffy sees it first, she can kill it."

"What's the name?"

"Erkshire."

"I don't believe I've ever heard of it."

"Hmm. Well, apparently it hails from Scotland. Hence the name. So start from there."

"I must admit I still don't quite understand."

"Apparently its coming here to kill Buff. And since I don't want that to happen, atleast," the smirk returned, "not quite yet and not by someone other than me, I thought I'd give you a head's up. The only things I've heard, is that it is large and mean, and evidently very slimy and quite the brutal thing. So, since I doubt it will be wearing a kilt to give itself away, I suggest research mode. Best of luck. Oh, no need to mention this little conversation to our Buffy. I don't want to give her the impression I'm trying to protect her. Because trust me when I say, I'm not. I will kill her. But not before I have my fun," Angelus made his last statement knowing full well that Giles would tell her some of the conversation, if not the entirety of it. But this would cause Buffy to think that he was trying to guard her. Something that, although she would hide the knowledge of what Giles told her about today, he was betting that he'd receive the best fuck ever for performing this little action of protectiveness. Buffy's words from the weekend had been echoing in his head since the moment her beautiful lips had set them free upon the world….. "Fuck me, Angelus. Fuck me like the whore I am."

**********

After school, Giles had allowed Buffy to skip training. Buffy had looked like she needed a break, and for some reason, Willow did as well. The two had gone to the coffee shop, indulging in espressos and doughnuts. Afterward Buffy had decided to go back to the school to see Giles. She felt bad for blowing him off, and even worse for not letting him in on her extra curricular activities, although with Willow in the know, Buffy had felt some weight lifted off.

The relationship between the two was still somewhat strained, but Buffy's tried not to push it. Willow wasn't going to tell, that's not to say that she approved or even thought that Buffy's was safe, but she had to find her own way out of this. Buffy was right. The romance novels were right. A love like Buffy and Angel's couldn't be forgotten overnight, especially since you still had to see the same face nearly every day.

Buffy and Willow walked through the corridor to the school. It was quiet and only the faint sound of the custodian a floor up could be heard as they each entered the library. "Giles," Buffy called as the two girl rounded the counter only to encounter Angelus standing in the doorway.

Willow's expression was a look of terror. Giles appeared to be worried, although probably more for Buffy having to see Angelus in front of her. Buffy herself felt like a deer caught in headlights, terrified that he had spilled everything to Giles. And Angelus, Angelus stood with mock concern. Intrigued at the very idea of Buffy finding him there. He hadn't planned on that. But the look on her face was the reason memories existed.

"Angelus," Buffy spoke in a hushed whisper.

Giles stood up close behind Angelus as he looked at the frightened girls. Even Buffy appeared to be frightened. "He was just leaving."

Angelus smiled briefly at the Watcher before turning his attention back to the girls. "Yes, I was just leaving. I just wanted to cum by," Angelus gleamed toward Buffy as he spoke the word, "and let Giles in on something.

"What would that be?" Buffy stood tall hoping the desire and fear were not evident in her voice.

"I just had an urge to speak with him. A hard, pulsing urge that I just had to get off…," slowly his lowered hand moved across his groin, circling it, drawing both Buffy and Willow's attention to his straining leather pants, "…my chest."

Although undetected by Giles, Willow could sense the hidden foreplay playing out before her eyes between the two lovers. Raising her eyes she noticed Angelus watching her, knowing that she was staring at his barely restrained erection. Angelus' eyes beamed with male triumph causing Willow to quickly jolt her head another way.