Who I Am Ch. 01

***This is my first attempt at writing a story and sharing it with anyone since I was twelve years old. This is shorter than I intend future chapters to be but why invest so much time when folks may not like what I put out there. I hope this is well received. I look forward to your comments and feedback.

Always,

Ms. Angel Sand

All content contained herein is subject to copyright; all rights reserved. Copyright 2016

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"If I spend my life regretting all of the decisions I have made, I'll be dead before tomorrow." This is mantra I am trying to enforce upon myself to eliminate the negative energy I have been continuously emitting over the past three weeks. I am just incredibly disgusted with myself. I mean what is sex really? Why am I so protective of the act? Instead of being a 27-year-old single female virgin, I could be a 27-year-old wife and possibly mother. If I could just stop being a prude. The fact of the matter is I can't. It is simply because I know who I am.

Everyone says sex is unbelievable. If you think about it, every dynamic comparison is along the lines of "It is better than sex". I find that frightening beyond measure. Everything I like I overindulge in. For instance, I love scallops! There isn't an item to consume greater than these lovely shellfish. I can eat scallops and eggs for breakfast, fried scallops and fries for lunch, bacon wrapped scallops with risotto covered by wilted spinach for dinner, still have scallop snacks in between, and have it followed by a new scallop meal arrangement the next day. If I ever learned I was allergic to this delectable delight, I would be so disappointed that my heart would simply cease to beat. Another example is, I love to read to the point I sometimes act irresponsibly. I once pretended to be sick just so I could drive my car to the gas station around the corner from work and finish reading a bootleg erotica book I just purchased from Walmart. Let's not discuss how I feel about masturbation. That is a story all unto itself. But imagine a self-pleasing, addictive person like me discovering that sex really is all that it's cracked up to be. DANGER, DANGER, DANGER! I'd probably forget to eat and give my body to those who don't deserve it just so I can achieve an orgasm. That isn't the life I want for myself. I also don't want to spend the next 20 years with my secret fetishes and lonely heart. But, it seems it is the life I am constructing.

Three weeks ago I ended a two-year relationship with the man I knew was going father my children. We were going to have a Brainiac Adonis just like him and an angel hearted beauty just like me. But I ruined it with my sexual lockdown. He has been ready for the next step but I knew I couldn't do it before marriage and maintain the control I so desperately need. Eventually he secretly decided to move forward without notifying me. I didn't find out in a dramatic fashion like walking in on him having sex or anything. What clued me in was the letter I found on his nightstand while I waited for him to come home. This is what it said:

{Dear Carter,

You are my last thoughts before I sleep. The memory of your touch is what helps me arise from bed each morning. Being in your presence is beyond any gift I have ever received. Waking up in your arms is more precious than diamonds. -Yes, this includes the 3 carat studs you gave me last night. :)

You are everything to me and everything isn't a strong enough word to truly express how I feel. I cannot wait until we are completely together. Thank you for choosing me.

Always in love with you,

Lisa}

I could not believe my eyes! I knew this letter had to be old. It had to be old!! Carter loved me. I am or I guess was his dream girl. He even told me as much. The chance that I wasn't caused me to let out a crippling moan followed by uncontrollable tears and wails. I clutched my eyes tightly as I rolled back and forth on his bed crushing the letter in my hand until I heard a voice startle me out of my tantrum.

In a smooth, calm, and caring tone, I heard Carter ask, "Karen what is wrong? Are you hurt?" He reached out to cradle me in his arms and my body immediately became stiff as a log. I didn't want his comfort. I couldn't handle it if this letter really was from Lisa of last night and not Lisa of yesteryear. Noticing my tensed state, he asked again, "What is wrong K?" I slowly uncurled from the fetal position to sit upright. My chest was still heaving and I had snot flowing to my chin. The amazing part of this scenario is I didn't care what he thought of my appearance. I just slowly opened my hand with letter inside. As I raised my head to look him in the eye, he dropped his head into the palms of his hands. I heard a distorted, "I am so sorry K". I still couldn't speak. I continued to sit there with my palm held out towards him. Silence lingered between us for I don't know how long, but I refused to utter a single word. Finally, he turned his full body towards me and spoke. "Karen, I have been telling you for the last six months that I didn't think I could continue to wait. I still to this moment don't understand why losing yourself in me would be such a handicap for you. I have caught you masturbating in my bed more than once. Do you know how that makes a man feel? To come home and see your beautiful body receiving the pleasure I am dying to give, it is emasculating. You abstain from alcohol and sex for the same reasons. One makes sense, but choosing not to have sex with me, the man you say you want to marry... I just don't get it. Truly, I can't handle it anymore."

In that moment, hearing those words sent me into a state of panic. I know it is crazy to think if I drink one sip of alcohol I will become an alcoholic or if I have sex I will become an addict running to all who offer when my man is spent. But, I am who I am and I am afraid of what I'm afraid of. If I believe the veil of marriage will help protect my loyalties in the area of sexuality, either you accept it or you don't. My problem is I am always running into the don'ts.

I had to make sure Carter wasn't another one to walk away. I had to make a last stand. About five seconds after Carter said "anymore" I lunged into his lap. I know this is disgusting, but I buried my face in his collar sufficiently wiping away my tears and snot. I looked him in the eye and to my surprise he was crying. This had to be a sign. I just needed to take the next step. Unannounced to little miss diamond Lisa, he was going to choose me. I slid down his body until my face lay in his lap. I felt him stir and try to say something but I glared at him and shook my head. As I turned to lay on my stomach he grabbed me by the shoulders whispering, "K, what are you doing?" I struggled so harshly with him that I fell on the floor. I didn't care. He wasn't going to stop my plan. In this moment, I was ready and willing. I would not and could not lose another man, especially not him.

I rose to my knees and set my palms on his thighs. As I moved my hands towards his fly he held my wrists so firmly and bellowed a resounding, "NO!" I immediately shed tears from embarrassment but as he loosened the hold on my wrists I quickly regained my composure and snatched his belt open before he could stop me. He was scrambling for my wrists again but I was determined to get his pants down. He finally decided to just push me down but I kept a firm grip on the waistband of his pants. As he pushed, I dragged his pants along with me.

Now we were tussling as he tried to keep me to the floor and I was attempting to get back on my knees. He held my shoulders down and stood. That was the absolute wrong move for my mission. I dropped my shoulders and moved my right hand to cup his balls. He fell back on the bed from sheer shock. I had never attempted to touch his body below the waist before. I grinned at my achievement and rose back to my knees. This time I immediately grabbed his penis which felt incredibly firm, large and downright intimidating. I pulled his manhood through the opening of his boxers and stared so long I went into a trance. I began thinking of all of the pornos I watched, seeing and touching a real life penis is of no comparison. Carter's soft request of, "Karen, please don't. I can't do this to you", brought me out of my reverie.

I was still shedding tears and replied, "Carter I have to. I need you to want me. Please choose me. We can do whatever you want right now. I can see and feel that you want me. You are pulsing in my hands. Let me show you that I will do whatever it takes to keep you." I proceeded to enclose his penis in my mouth and as soon as my lips made contact Carter pulled me up his body and greeted me with an intense kiss. It was a kiss like none I have ever experienced in my life. I continued to cry while greedily kissing him back. This kiss had to mean we were going to try to move past this. This was to enthralling to be a good bye. As my heart continued to fill with joy and relief a warm substance start squirting on my upper thigh next to my panties. We looked at each other a long time as I began to realize what just occurred. I opened my mouth to speak and Carter covered my lips with his index finger.

We cried together for several minutes longer without breaking eye contact. Understanding we needed to define this moment, Carter put his palm to my cheek and said, "Karen, you were my dream girl. Your long thick hair is like a crown upon your head, your crystal brown eyes are like precious jewels, and your toasted caramel skin is plain perfection. Your intelligence and loving heart is almost impossible to deny. Girl you are amazing, I promise you that, but I can't be with you. I can't be with a girl who doesn't trust herself to be true to me under any circumstances. I can't be with a girl who would rather masturbate or hump my leg than kiss me. You are a virgin for more reasons than you claim and I am sorry that I am not strong enough to stand by you while you work through it. I am sorry to say I am not choosing you."

"When were you going to tell me Carter?" I whispered.

"I know you may not believe me K, but I was going to tell you today. I read that letter over and over and it sealed it for me. I am an ass for cheating. You have always been honest with me and I should have been honest with you."

I stood up and went to the restroom without a word. I washed his semen off of me, splashed water on my face and walked straight out of his front door. I didn't look in his direction because there wasn't any connection left for me. Though he gave a very concise narrative all I could hear was:

"YOU...ARE...NOT...WORTH...THE...WAIT!"

This encounter was just another version of the conversations I have been hearing all of my dating life. All of the conversations narrow down to:

"YOU...ARE...NOT...WORTH...THE...WAIT!"

So here I am again wondering what's next for me. That's it...there isn't anything next for me. I have done all that I can do. I need to make peace with the pleasure I bring myself and accept I will be alone forever. I will get up tomorrow, go to work, cook myself an amazing scallop dinner... Oh I forgot the best part- masturbate until I can't see straight.