Who I Am Ch. 03

New Readers: Each chapter builds from the previous. I highly suggest you start from chapter 1. Thank you for checking me out!

Returning Readers: Thank you thank you thank you!! I appreciate your encouragement. Every single view makes my heart flutter. Please continue to vote and leave comments. It really helps me out!

I hope you enjoy this!

Ms. Angel Sand

All copyrights reserved. No part of this document may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means including electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any information storage or retrieval system without specific permission from the author.

********

Chapter 3

"You know you are one crazy person", Katherine mumbled as she curled into the fetal position under the covers. "I can't believe you want to go out with Jamie after all he put you through." That last statement wrecked my heart with guilt. I'd been with Jamie for so long that I didn't have the courage to let my family know we'd broken up due to me losing my mind at the thought of being penetrated. I never really told a complete lie, but when my parents assumed he broke it off, I didn't correct them. I just needed to escape their questioning and prodding. This was one of my character flaws. I would always allow people to come to their own conclusion, as long as it resulted in what I wanted.

So, I guess Katherine is right; I am a crazy person. But, I can one up her, because I have just realized I am also a manipulator. An addict, a manipulator, a crazy, a virgin, and mostly alone. How messed up can one person be? If I am truly committed to being alone, I need to fix these things about myself. Maybe not the virginity part because that means I am going to have to let someone in there. Which is NOT happening!

"Can I tell you something without you hating me", I whispered while staring at the ceiling.

"Of course. Unless it's that you slept with Tom. I don't have the strength to murder you this time of night, morning or whatever you want to call it", Katherine joked trying to lighten the mood. She was never good at heartfelt conversations.

"Tom wishes!" I chuckled after I was greeted with a pillow blow to my face. "In all serious Juicy, I have misled you, mom, and dad." I had to pause right here. My heart is beating out of my chest. How do you tell the person you know will defend your honor to the ground that you're really not that honorable? You can't - I mean I can't. I need to use my lovie. I can't do this right now. Yes, lovie always brings me back to sanity.

"What is it Sissy? You can tell me anything", Katherine turned to face me after I took a little too long to continue.

I looked her in the eye and said, "I have to use the rest room". In one swift movement, I grabbed the lovie from where I hid it under my bed and ran to the bathroom. After staring at myself in the mirror fighting back tears and repeating my mantra under my breath, "If I spend the rest of my life regretting my decisions I will die tomorrow." I finally raised the hand that was holding my lovie to eye level. I contemplated its pleasure and considered how much I valued its presence. Was it really worth it? Lovie was an overnight bag staple. I would even bring it with me to Carter's house when I spent the night. When he went to the shower or to the kitchen for breakfast I would bring out lovie for a morning session. At night after he was asleep, I would slide to the floor, grind lovie until my release, and return to spoon him for the remainder of the night. I didn't see anything wrong with it until he caught me the second time.

******

Six months ago...

I imagined what it would feel like to have my mouth totally clasped around him. Would he be sweet and salty or salty and savory? Would he grab the back of my head and steadily thrust into my mouth leaving me with no other choice but to wrap my lips around my teeth to protect and massage his shaft? Would he understand the joy I experienced from the understanding that every ounce of his pleasure was provided by me? Would he send his hand southward to test my arousal? Would the knowledge of what he found there cause him to drive deeper and deeper into my hungry mouth? Yes, it would. Yes, it would! This affirmative answer encouraged my hips to flail vigorously upon my lovie. My breathing was labored by my approaching orgasm and my low moans were from pure excitement. Right as my body was about to release, I felt my hips fly into the air and pussy was met with the blessing of kisses from warm soft lips. With my body already on edge, he sucked my clit as if he were taking a long sip from a straw receiving refreshing drink and I was undone. I began to buck in his face and let out moans that were mostly caught in my throat due to my intense spasms.

As soon as I came down, he laid me across his lap and rubbed my bottom. I sighed in contentment but was immediately returned to full alert by an abrupt slap and the subsequent stinging of my behind. Before I could bring my hand around to protect myself, I felt another firm slap. Then the third brought tears to my eyes. The fourth and final contact was followed gentle kneading and rubbing. "Why did you do that", I whined.

"You promised to let me help you the next time you needed to cum. If I didn't come in here and catch you, you would've broken that promise. I deserved some retribution. This spanking satisfied your debt." Carter took a deep break, "Let me ask you one thing K, didn't my mouth make you feel better than humping that rag?"

The answer to this question was yes, but I didn't want to have to explain that using my lovie was a comfort thing; almost like a nervous tick. I had use it at some point during the day or I wouldn't feel whole. This would only lead him to believe he didn't complete me which wasn't at all true. Then I thought of what to say, "You make me feel amazing. I just feel guilty asking you to help me out when I am not ready to return the favor. Heck, I haven't even seen it before. What kind of girl would I be to put you through that?" Yep, that should make him feel better about the whole thing. But, I was wrong.

"Karen, are you ready to move forward in this relationship or not?"

"What do you mean? You know I am."

"No, I know you like to rub your clit on some stupid ass piece of cloth instead of being with your man. I know you call me on the phone when you are at home and tell my how you want to suck my dick... excuse me suck my "penis" but back out when the opportunity arises. I know I am ready to be with you the way a man is supposed be with his woman and you need to decide what you really want. While you are deciding, I think it is best if you stop sleeping over here", he calmly stated.

"Do you want your key back?"

"No, I just can't handle you in my bed if I can't touch you. And now that I've tasted you, I'm not sure I can control myself anymore. Do you know how sweet you are?" He shook his head as if he couldn't believe what was happening.

"I'm going to be ready soon. You know how I feel about premarital sex. I feel like it is the gateway to multiple sexual partners which I don't want. If we were married, we are more likely to stay together because we took the extra effort to make a legal commitment."

"You know I'm proposing when the time is right, K. You don't have to doubt me on that. But, you still can't spend the night over here until you are ready for all of this", he smiled and grabbed his manhood through his pajama pants.

I pushed his shoulder in jest. I made a plan that day to really work on coming to terms with the fear I would be addicted to sex and the fear of intercourse itself. But, my coming around took a little too long as you already know.

*******

Today...

I fell to the bathroom floor and tucked my lovie in my underwear. I began grinding as usual, but my orgasm wouldn't build. I was getting stimulation but I just couldn't get there. I sat on the floor and threw my lovie in the corner. I guess this was time to face the music. My body didn't want to feel any type of pleasure until I made amends with my sister. I washed my hands and went back to bed.

"Are you okay, Sissy."

"Yes, I am just nervous about what I'm about to say. So let me first apologize. I am very very sorry I kept this from you", I paused briefly, took a deep breath and continued. "Jamie didn't break it off with me the way you think. We were actually about to have sex and I got scared and said somethings to push him away. I later realized I really only wanted him to go away for a moment but it turned into forever. In my mind, he is guiltless in this whole thing because I wasn't truthful with him, just like I wasn't with you."

"You were about to have sex", Katherine exclaimed as she sat straight up. "You have to tell me everything right now!"

"It is 3 o'clock in the morning. I need to know if you forgive me and can't I just tell you in a couple hours over breakfast?"

"Of course, I forgive you but don't ever pull this shit again."

"I won't, Sissy", we hugged and kissed each other on the lips as it was our normal make up ritual. I felt so relieved. I couldn't bear the thought of being at odds with my sister.

"And about breakfast, Tom and I have been texting all night. Our always the traitor mother gave him my new number. And well, I'm going home tomorrow. Tom and I are going to work it out. Grinding on all those dudes tonight made me feel gross. Tom is the only one who really knows how to handle all this ass."

"You know all mom's betrayals are in love", I snickered. "I'm glad you came to your senses, Juicy. So I'll make a deal with you. I will tell you every detail about me and Jamie if you tell me why you didn't mention his visit to Atlanta. You go first", I rushed the last part out.

"Of course you want to make me wait for the goods. Fine, Jamie was at Uptown Comedy Corner with some of his friends and Jacob- who has grown into a cutie by the way. Tom and I were there, but we weren't feeling to well. I think we got some food poisoning or something. Jamie recognized me and came over. I introduced him to Tom who was dry but like I said he was sick. But, the moral of the story is Jamie gave me his card to give to you. I didn't because I thought it would hash up old wounds and you seemed to be doing well with Carter. I thought I was doing the right thing. Especially, since you had me thinking he was a dick and all."

"I understand why you did it. You just looked so guilty when he called you out. But now to the good stuff..." I proceeded to tell her about my final real encounter with Jamie. She was hanging on to my every word. When I got to the end, I started to really feel nervous about lunch, if I wasn't already.

"Sissy, you are a crazy person. Do you know how lucky you were to have a man that would cuddle you after you let him get the tip wet? Just for that he is one in a million in my book and you are a dumb ass for letting him walk away."

"He deserved a whole woman", I stated in matter of fact tone.

In a matching tone she replied, "You better decide if you are a whole woman and quick because he is only interested in you for one of two reasons or maybe even both. One has been waiting for you and is ready to claim what is his. Or two he wants to tease you the way you teased him for revenge". The room fell completely silent. Why did I say yes to this foolishness? I just married myself and I am already going on dates with ex-boyfriends? What kind of spouse was I? I couldn't back out because I was now committed to being a woman of my word. I had to level the field.

He gave me his card and told me to text him the address. I hadn't done that yet. Instead I asked him to meet me at Tokyo Kitchen for dinner, a cute little hibachi restaurant in Montclair. Now I would be protected from anything too intimate and I'd have all day to consider my position. The group dining atmosphere should keep the conversation light. Comforted in my new plan, I turned over to go to sleep. Before my eyes completely shut, I heard my phone buzz.

-What are you doing up so late? J. Johnson

-Talking with my sister. What are YOU doing up so late? Loving Me

-Waiting for your address so I could drop by for a good night kiss. J. Johnson

-Not going to happen buddy. Like I said, I will meet you at the restaurant tomorrow. Loving Me

-Just teasing Honey. I wouldn't go there. I still remember what happened the last time I kissed you. J. Johnson-

I didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to respond. I should just cancel the lunch. No, I'll ask Katherine what to do. "Juicy are you sleep yet?"

"Yes, I am", she grumbled.

"Great, Jamie is texting me and I don't know what to say."

"Let me read chain." She took the phone and read texts. She immediately text something back without asking and handed me the phone back and turned over. I guess that is all the help I am getting from her at this point.

When I read the message she sent, I could have disappeared right then.

-Glad to know you are still thinking about kissing me. Loving Me

I anxiously waited for Jamie's response. When it finally appeared I was afraid to read it.

-See you at 5:30pm sharp. Have a good night. J. Johnson.

That is all he had to say? I am now totally freaked out. But eventually fatigue caught up with me and I drifted into a dreamless sleep.

********

I slept way too late and woke up the next afternoon to a piece of paper scotch taped to my forehead. I could leave it to Katherine to do something ridiculous to me before she left. I still wish she would have woken me up to a least say good bye. But, I had more pressing issues; it was already two o'clock and I didn't have a clue what I was going to wear. I would have to complain about her exit at another time.

I rummaged through my closet trying to find something to wear that didn't say come hither or I'm a stone cold, career driven, crazy cat lady. To clarify this statement, I hate cats. I will never own one. Their eyes are so scary to me. But back to the issue at hand, scanning the closet is turning out to be a very good exercise for me. I really only have a few categories of clothes. Skirt suits and dresses for work, cocktail dresses, and date dresses was all I could find. And didn't I own any pants that weren't made for yoga? I made a mental note to buy some jeans and settled on a knee length charcoal shift dress. It wasn't too professional and it wasn't tight either. Satisfied with my choice I set out to take a shower.

After a long light of dancing, forgetting to wrap my hair, and shower steam, my flat iron wasn't looking so hot. I opted to for a high bun with silver hoop earrings and black strappy pumps. My make-up was flawless and I was out of the door by 4:00pm. I knew I was pushing it because even on a Sunday California traffic from Culver City to Montclair could be a beast. But, right now I really don't mind because the time in the car will allow me to continue to think about this dinner. One thing I am sure of is I am not looking to see where anything goes or entertain the idea of rekindling our relationship. But I'd be a down right liar if I wasn't dying to know if Jamie was.

He captured my heart and mind for years and if I wasn't too scared he could've conquered my body long ago. I knew I was giving up the best friend I ever had when I forced him to give up on me. His all business personality with a jokester flare, his familiar touch and knowing smile after an especially intimate kiss were highlight of my days. As I mentioned before, that first intimate experience with him is still unrivaled. So we are all clear, I am a virgin not completely innocent. Before Jamie, I kissed two boys who both sucked at it and let one of the squeeze my butt which I thought was quite a generous gift.

Again, that was before Jamie. The first time my lips touched his, it felt like a fluttering breeze cocooned my entire body. The sensation generated from the top of my head to the very bottom of my feet. I could swear it was magic. He would take me to the park and read Psalms and Song of Solomon to me. To remind me he was still all male he would write short letters explicitly detailing all of the pleasure he would give me when I became his wife. He never judged me for being uncertain about my sexuality, he probably saw it as an opportunity to groom me just for him.

None of that mattered anymore. He walked out of my apartment and my life and never looked back. I can't really blame him either. Every time we took a sexual step forward I would always feel guilty for liking it so much. Then I would start asking him is that all he wanted me for. Now that I think about it, he probably should've broken up with me my Senior year. It was my 18th birthday and the first time I let him touch my clit. His hand felt so good I wasn't sure I could ever let him stop. When he tried to remove his hand from my underwear I grabbed his wrist and vigorously humped the hilt of his palm until I came. All he asked me was if it was good and I lost my head. I accused him of tricking me into it so that I would jack him off. Mind you, I have never seen even seen Jamie's penis. He spent four years waiting for me to grow up and when I finally did, I spazzed out on him. Did he start treating me poorly after this? No! He kept assuring me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He enjoyed the excitement and anticipation of when I would be completely his. Yeah, and like a fool, I pushed him out the door for the last time.

Like a crack addict, my dating life post Jamie was chasing a high. I spent the balance of my college years intently looking for the same feeling I received from Jamie. I am ultra-ashamed to admit that I spent time and effort searching out guys with lips like his in hopes they could mimic the feeling of the day I almost gave him everything he deserved. Of all 15, none came close to the standard Jamie set. I would continue to see these guys until watching them jack themselves off was no longer good enough. I wasn't going to give my flower to the undeserving. I definitely couldn't add a new addiction to my life. If I could go through 15 guys in 3 years just to get them to go down on me without much in return, there was no telling what I would do if sex is all I think it could be.

When I graduated, I put a stop to all of my oral and hand to penile promiscuity and only dated men I was hooked up with. This was somewhat of a buffer for me. I wouldn't do anything too far out there because I wouldn't want anything being reported back to those I was close to. I was on the blind date merry go round for a few years until I met Carter.

Carter charmed my heart right out of my chest. He was intelligent, progressive, Christian, and very handsome. I wanted to concentrate on getting to know him so I never let him go down on me. Our sex games started out with me laying naked on the bed with him staring between my wide open legs while he jacked off. After some time we moved to breast sex and I would always turn my head to the side for fear the tip of his penis may touch my lips. When he caught me with my lovie for the second time and smoothly sucked the orgasm right out of me; we moved to him going down on me followed by rubbing his dick on my pussy or between my butt cheeks until he came. I was pretty satisfied by the whole interaction but Carter was really looking for more.

This trip down memory lane helped the drive fly by. I made here in record time and now I had 30 minutes to kill. I decided to close my eyes for a moment to try to relax before I walked into the scenario curiosity created for me. My chest is getting tight and my palms are clammy. I hope this meeting was actually friendly and he didn't plan to embarrass me and throw a drink in my face.

****************

Chapter 4 coming soon! Thank you so much for reading your emails and comments again. I am so very grateful. Please continue to vote! It means the world to me.