Who I Am Ch. 04

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Ms. Angel Sand

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It is 10 minutes to 5:30 and I can't seem to open the car door. I keep wondering why I am really doing this; because I am serious about being with myself and enjoying my pleasure sessions with lovie. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself I don't want to get close to Jamie. Or, I may want to use him because I haven't gotten over the sting of Carter yet. I can hope the truth is I am just going to meet a friend I absolutely have no desire for... but I don't know.

Forget it, I am just going to go for it. I mean, I am not giving up on my marriage to me. I'm just going to have fun and see where the night takes me. And as if the universe has decided this very moment was the time to prove it, Jamie knocks on my window.

"Yes Sir? May I help you with something," I ask coyly.

"Do you plan on staying in your car or are you coming in to have dinner with me", he asks through a smile.

That smile... I forgot what it felt like to have it genuinely aimed at me. I loved this man for so many years. Now, I have to question if I ever stopped loving him. The years apart must have been good to him because he is appearing even more handsome. Being biracial he has a lightly tanned skin tone which only accents his green eyes. His short loose curls perfectly fit his symmetrical face. If he wore a buzz cut, he'd look just like Wentworth Miller from the TV show Prison Break; athletic build included. I used to never want to admit it but he is sexy as can be. Man, after all of the things I've done it still feels weird to call someone sexy. Especially, if you know you are never going to have sex with them. "Of course I'm coming in. I was just waiting until closer to 5:30."

"Karen, it is 5:45. I have been standing by that pillar watching you talk to yourself with your eyes closed for the past 15 minutes."

"Am I blushing now?"

"You most definitely are. Get out of the car beautiful." Did you hear that? I heard that. He just called me beautiful. What am I going on about? No, it doesn't mean anything. I am just going to get out of this car and find out why he's trying to reconnect. Resolve: Get out of your own head Karen!

We go inside and are seated without incident. We are tabled with six married ladies having a rare night out and they are surely drinking enough to prove it. We spend a little time making small talk with them, until one compliments us on being such a cute couple. Dang it! But, it's ok. I am just glad I wasn't the one who turned the whole evening totally awkward. Even though I didn't put us in this position by being the one to say 'oh no, we're not together' or even 'thank you'. But Jamie, being the guy he always is, had to make a comment "Honey, isn't she sweet?", then he turned and unsuccessfully whispered to me, "You wouldn't have to feel so shy if you would've let me pick you up". What the heck was that supposed to mean? Even if he picked me up I would've still wanted to come here.

One of the drunk ladies chimed in, "I know that's right. Girl he's trying to tell you, he wanted to stay in and have you for dinner!" All of the ladies oohed and cheered, but I was even more embarrassed. Jamie just sat there wearing a huge grin. If I am not a total dunce, this marks the second time he has flirted with me tonight.

By the time our chef was done preparing our meals the ladies weren't really paying too much attention to us anymore. I took this as an opportunity to address the issue at hand. The normal Karen would just beat around the bush or play games to get the answer. But, I came to this dinner with my big girl panties on. So I'll just ask him, "Jamie, why did you want to go out with me again?" It felt pretty good to just ask what is on my mind. I hope I am rewarded for it.

He finished the last few bites on his plate before he responded. I have never understood how he could eat food so quickly. I still had at least three quarters of my dinner left and I am a pretty greedy person, not to mention I had a plate full of scallops. But now, I am not eating at all. I am just watching his mouth waiting for the million-dollar answer. After wiping his mouth, he finally said, "I wanted to apologize." Okay, now I am totally confused. What is he apologizing for? He didn't do anything wrong. Well, I guess as far as I know. But he continued, "I replay that day in your apartment over and over in my head. I said some things I didn't mean and I was too frustrated with the whole thing to come back and apologize then. One of my biggest regrets is walking out on you and never looking back." At this point, I feel my eyes watering and a lump building in my throat. I should be the one apologizing, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out and he still continued. "You were the love of my life. At that time, I couldn't imagine myself with another woman. All of my fantasies and dreams contained you."

"I'm sorry too", was all I could muster without letting tears fall in this public place. Always observant and caring, Jamie asks if I would like to go somewhere to talk more privately. He paid the check and escorted me to my car. After a few intense moments of just staring at nothing in particular, I invited him to the passenger seat of my Cayenne. I was about to continue before he laid his hand on top of my hand that was tightly gripping the steering wheel.

"Look at me", he said as he gently turned my chin. "I didn't invite you out to make you feel bad or even to get an apology from you. Can I ask you something though?" I slightly nodded my agreement. "I want you to tell me the truth. Why did you change your mind? I mean it couldn't be that you didn't like what was happening. To put it bluntly, were soaking wet.

And then...and then...you just...stopped."

"Is saying I was scared a good enough answer?", I asked trying to keep my tears at bay.

"Come on. You know it isn't. Are you ready to grow up or..."

"I'm sorry", I interrupted. Finding my strength and ability to be honest is harder than I thought. But I am determined. This is my chance to prove I am new person. Even if I am not trying to be with anyone, I have to work on being a better person. If I don't, I won't be happy loving myself either. So here it goes, "I was scared is still the truth. But, saying I had never felt pleasure like that before and I haven't since, is also the truth. So, you know I've struggled with the whole pleasure guilt thing since we were kids. But I swear to you, I wouldn't have gone as far as we did if I didn't genuinely think I was ready.

And I was excited Jamie. After feeling your mouth on me, I couldn't wait for the rest. I don't want to keep going because I don't want to offend you."

"I'm finally getting you to open up. It is impossible to offend me in this moment. Just keep going."

"I don't know how else to say it; but I didn't like the way it felt when you put your fingers in there. Then I only imagined your penis being worse. I could've been wrong, but I wasn't ready to find out. I knew at that moment I wasn't ready to be what you wanted...what you deserved.

You deserved someone who could be completely yours in every way. I spent the years after we broke up working on that part of me. Working on being willing to suffer discomfort for someone I love. I have also fought back the fear of being ruled by desire. I know I have made progress, but right now I am enjoying time with myself. And I've made peace with it being that way for the rest of my life."

He reached over and placed his hand on my right thigh just above my knee. It was an unwelcomed surprise due to the tingles shooting straight to my gut. As I clenched my thighs together, he said, "Thank you for coming out tonight. It was really great seeing you again."

"I had a nice time. It was good seeing you too. You are just as handsome as ever", man, I keep putting my foot in my mouth. I hate I said that, but what's done is done.

"I just want to say the whole point of tonight was for closure for me. Though you are just as beautiful, hell, you are more beautiful than ever, I needed to know why everything happened the way it did."

"I understand. So I guess this is good bye."

"No, it's I'll see you around." He removed his hand from my thigh and I immediately felt cold. He exited my car without another word and I immediately felt transported to the moment I heard the door close to my apartment 9 years ago.

I need to get home to my lovie.

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I am soaking in the bathtub trying to ignore the tears that have followed me from the restaurant parking lot to now. Though I adamantly believe Jamie deserved an explanation, I didn't expect to feel as empty as I do. All of the scenarios I played in my head if I ever got the courage to talk to him, didn't end this way. This is overwhelmingly confusing. I am not sure why I am feeling like I just lost something. Especially, when I didn't want or expect anything from tonight. What is wrong with me? Just when I feel like I have made the right decision for myself, I am thrown off by something as stupid as a long dead relationship. Am I tricking myself into thinking self-love, with the help of my lovie of course, is enough? Even if I don't want Jamie, do I want something that he represents? Maybe I do want to be in a relationship with man. Who am I fooling? I definitely want a boyfriend.

I want to be able to share everything, including my entire body, with the man I love. The idea of living in my sister's basement when I am old because I don't have anyone to take care of me is depressing. Even more so, is the idea of living the rest of my life waking up alone without someone who shares the joys and pains this journey brings with me. In every relationship the real draw back has been my lack of sexual reciprocation. I can fix that.

I guess to fix this; I need to build up enough sexual desire within me to where I don't care about any discomfort I experience on the road to satisfaction. This is going to be hard and painful but, I am going cold turkey. What does this mean you ask? I am throwing my lovie out. To make myself commit to it. I am going to drop it in the toilet and throw it outside. I am brought out of my thoughts by a knock on the door. I pick my phone up from the floor next to my tub to check the time. It is 11:30pm. Who is here? I am a little too scared to open the door, but I am getting out of this tub. If someone is here to murder me, I would like to have a fighting chance. And just as I make that decision, I hear the doorbell. Who is the world is here? If they don't call me, I'm not going to the door. My phone doesn't ring.

I am out of the bathroom in my pajamas and the knocking has stopped, but my nerves are still on edge. My cell phone is close for just in case. Maybe it was someone looking for my neighbor. The guy next door has different girls rolling through on the weekly, so it is probably one of them. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that is the case. I'm still carrying my cell phone with me when I walk to the kitchen to get some water. When it buzzes, I jump and chuckle at myself. My mind immediately wonders if it is Jamie. To my disappointment it isn't.

-I just stopped by to bring you some stuff you left at my house and your spare key. Carter

I cannot believe this dude has waited an entire month to bring the little items I could care less about. Well, I do care about my key. I don't know why I didn't think to change my locks. But whatever, this is about him. And what makes him think he can stop by my house this time of night unannounced? Is he trying to check up on me? Probably not. He has the love of his life Lisa giving him all of the pussy I wouldn't. So I'm just going to thank him and finally close this thing out.

-Thank you for dropping it off. Loving Me

- I didn't say I dropped it off. I said I stopped by to give it to you. Carter

-Oh you can leave it on the porch and I get it. Loving Me

-You're not home? Carter

-I'm in bed. You can leave it there and I will get it later. Loving Me

-I don't feel comfortable leaving your key and stuff. Let's set up a time and I will come by again. Carter

-Carter I said to leave it on the porch. Let me know when you have dropped it off. I am fine with the risk thanks though. Loving Me

Geez, he is irritating the crap out of me right now. I cut off the lights in the front of the house and get into bed. I already know Carter isn't going leave the stuff as I requested. I just need to mentally prepare for what is to come. Then my phone buzzes again.

-It's on your porch now. I would suggest you get it soon since it is already late. Carter

-Thanks. Loving Me

I choose not to say anything smart. I am just glad he decided to leave it so I didn't have to see him. I slowly pulled the covers back and walked to the front door. I opened the door looking at the ground for my stuff when I hear Carter's voice. "Hello K." I am so startled I let out a shriek and step back to slam the door. Carter blocks my attempt with his foot and says, "K, it's me. I didn't mean to startle you. It's me".

I am still breathing heavy trying to calm down. "What are you doing here?"

"I told you I was dropping off your stuff."

"Yeah, drop it off. That means put it here and leave. Not babysit it. So like I asked before, what are you doing here?"

"Don't be upset. I put your stuff on the porch and turned to walk away but I couldn't move. I had to see you."

"I've had a really long day. I really don't have the energy for this right now. Thanks for dropping this off but, I'd like to go to bed."

"K, I know it's late; but I feel like once you close that door, I'll never see you again. You have every right to be mad at me, but please can I have a few moments of your time?" He didn't deserve any of my time, but just like me to never learn my lesson about being curious about what was on someone else's mind.

"You have 10 minutes", I said as I stepped aside to let him in. "Can I get you something to drink", I asked as I led him to the kitchen table.

"No, thanks though."

"Well, what's on your mind?"

"I want to start by saying I never meant to hurt you. I really did want to make it work with you and I allowed my sexual needs to block my vision for the future. You know I never had sex with Lisa while we were together. I told her I wanted to wait. And I was waiting to tell you before I crossed that line.

To get to the point, I loved you. I still love you and I would like for you to give me another chance. Please?"

"You must be sleep deprived. I can't believe you came to my house at booty call hours to ask me to give you another chance. What happened? Did Lisa break it off with you? Don't even try to lie to either."

"Yes."

"Yes what Carter? I don't have time for these games."

"Yes, she broke it off with me."

"And now you're running back to your safety zone? You think I am an idiot", I started laughing uncontrollably. He really thinks he has a chance with me. He's the idiot.

"Karen, I am so sorry", he said with his eyes glazed over. He continued apologizing and pleading, but I'm no longer listening. My mind is concentrating on my next steps to being a viable relationship candidate. And the more I tried to suppress it, the clearer the answer came to me. I have come a long way in a short time. I finally feel like I am free and I don't need to fight with myself any longer. I can take risks and recover. I am no longer afraid of me.

If I lose control, then I lose control. That being said, this conversation is about to take a turn. It may be surprising, but I know I need to take a chance. "Carter, thank you for your apology, but I never want to be with you again. I just won't be able to trust you. You understand right?"

"I wish it were a different answer, but yes, I understand." When he moved to stand up from the table, I grabbed his arm.

Here it goes... I was looking him directly in the eyes while lightly rubbing his upper arm, "There is something you can help me with". My intense gaze must have partially revealed my intentions because his frowned deepened.

"I can't go down on you, K. You look so beautiful right now", he had to be kidding me because I am wearing an unsexy nightgown, "I'm gonna want more." I guess he's telling the truth this time, so I'm moving forward.

"I'm offering more." The room fell so silent all I could here were our breaths. To alleviate any confusion, I moved my hands from his arm to his belt buckle and repeated myself. "Carter, I'm offering you all of me, well the physical me. No strings attached. My virginity is my handicap; now, will you help me out or not?" He continued to sit there with a stunned look on his face. So I started undoing his pants. He grabbed my wrists and the unwanted feeling of déjà vu covered me. I can't bear the rejection of his bedroom again. So, I started telling myself I'd never be the woman I wanted to be unless I took this step. Then I felt Carter's eyes focus on me. I had to say something, "Carter, you owe me."

He immediately pulled me to him by tugging my wrists and began devouring my mouth. His face was pressed so firmly against mine I could hardly breathe. The most surprising thing about this experience is how much I'm liking it. But, as normal doubt and second thoughts crept forward. I purposely blinked them to the depths of my mind and leaned deeper into his kiss. He moaned his appreciated and carried me to my bedroom in one swift movement. I'm trying my best not to think about what is happening as he is pulling my night gown above my head. I watched him strip to his boxers as I laid on the bed only wearing my panties. When our eyes locked again, I could see the tint of desire in his eyes.

He climbed on top of me reinitiating our heat kiss. Again I was surprised. I felt my skin getting hot and a deepening need stirring in my belly. As his warm kisses traveled down my neck and began kissing the very tip of my nipples I clenched my pelvic muscles so hard a whimper escaped. When my entire nipple and as much of my breast that would fit was firmly encased in his mouth, he slowly but firmly sucked and held me in his arms. My body is shaking uncontrollably because I am so caught in the moment. Without letting my nipple escape, he smoothly removed my panties. I am praying he doesn't ball them in his fist because I am certain they are dripping with my desire. He releases my nipple and continues open mouthed kisses down the center of my body. When he reaches the top of my mound my entire body freezes with anticipation.

I am not let down. He covers my entire pussy with his mouth and licks my slit continuously like it was an ice cream cone. What. In. The. World. is he doing to me? I am now thrusting into his mouth and he is not relenting. I recognize the tingling that begins at my pinky toes and quickly creeps to my ankles. My legs are quivering and he separates my outer lips with his pointing and middle fingers. I can't stop thrusting my hips as his tongue is make direct contact with my aching clit and just as I am about to find my release he removes all contact from my body and boldly states, "Not like this. You are cumming on my dick tonight".

I didn't know what to do. I wanted that too. I could only scream, "Please Carter! I need you inside me now"! Hear him swiftly remove his boxers and climb back on top of me.