Why I Hated The Guy From The FBI

Antonia said, "If it is that big, I have one idea already."

Frank replied, "Gee whiz, only one?"

Antonia screamed, "Get out of here, before I kill you."

Tony had been listening to this discussion between Antonia and Frank and said to his daughter, "Have you changed your mind about Frank not having a brain?"

"Dad, he is the most infuriating man I have ever met. I have not met many; however, if they are all like him, I am going to become a nun."

"I can guarantee you Antonia; they are not all like him. His mind is quick. He is sharp witted, and he is respectful. Unfortunately, while he was in Iraq, he was severely injured. He is impotent, and will never be able to satisfy a woman or have children. He has shrapnel near his spine and if it moves, he could become paralyzed for life. It was a terrible thing to happen, to such a good young man."

4. Vincent has a growing problem

Late one evening, Antonia heard her brother yelling at someone. It was too late in the evening, for him to have anyone in the house, so he could only be yelling at someone over the phone. After listening, intently, to the conversation, it became evident that Vincent had done the unforgivable. He had gotten one of his young women pregnant. Now, he would have to face his father's wrath. While she was not pleased that it would happen to her brother, she was pleased it would not be her, again.

When the yelling stopped, she put her robe on, left her room, and in knocked on Vincent's door.

Vincent opened it, fearing the worst. He was relieved to see his sister standing there.

"Vincent, can I be of any help to you, right now?"

"You heard everything that went on?"

"If you yelled any louder baby brother, they would have heard you in the Bronx."

"Sis, I am in big trouble. I brought home a girl about a month ago. She was a virgin, and I did not use a condom. I do not know what I was thinking at the time, however, now she is pregnant and she is hysterical. She is from a deeply religious catholic family, and abortion is out of the question. She wants to get married, and avoid the shame of having a baby, out of wedlock. I just turned eighteen, and I think dad will kill me, if I chose that option."

"Vinny, are you talking about that tall, dark-haired girl that was here about six weeks ago?"

"Yes, how did you know about her?"

"That does not matter right now. What does matter is you could do a lot worse, in life, than her. She was positively stunning. You know you were her first, and if you stand up for her now, she will stand up for you, for the rest of her life, because of it."

"I would still have to run that by dad. He will not be happy with me."

"Welcome to the club, kid. There is plenty of room, in here, for both of us. Actually, I have been in that room, alone, for so long, I would enjoy the company."

"How do you think I should work this out, with dad?"

"I think you, and your lady friend should sit down and have a long talk. Get to know one another: birthdays, favorite color, favorite song, movie, where you met, and how long you have known each other. Then, bring her here, approach dad, and say that you two are in love. Now, she is pregnant, with your child, and you wish to get married. When you get out of the hospital, and are able to talk again, he will ask you some questions about the young woman, and you will answer them. He will invite her parents over to our house, for a discussion about the wedding."

"How long will I be in the hospital?"

"How quickly do you heal?"

From the doorway to the room, came avoice that said, "It is an excellent plan. However, you had better keep your mother in the loop. She is a very light sleeper, and when her children are talking, at two o'clock in the morning, she knows they are up to no good."

Rose looked at her two children and wondered why Antonia would give such sound advice to her brother, whose antics with women, she despised.

"Mom, I am going to put a bell, around your neck. You could sneak up on God himself."

Antonia smacked her brother, on the back of his head, and asked, "Who told you that God was a man?"

"Mom, she is home, again. Can we send her back now?"

"I am sorry Vincent. She is out of the nunnery for good. She starts college in the fall, and will start corrupting all the young minds around her, as soon as the fall semester starts."

"I pity her professors." He ducked just in time, not to be hit again, by his sister, again.

Vincent called Donna back on her cell phone. She was still crying, and he asked her to calm down so he could talk to her. He said that he had a possible solution to 'their problem.'

When Donna heard him use the term "their problem," she stopped crying. She asked him what he meant, because it was always her problem before.

"I am sitting in my room, with my sister and my mother, and we have come up with a plan, which I would like to talk to you about."

"You told your mother, and your sister."

"Yes, they are both smarter than I am, and they helped me come up with something I hope you will find acceptable."

"Go ahead, Vincent, I am listening."

"I know you said that you wanted to get married. Our plan includes that, and a way for us to get there, safely. My sister said that we should sit down and get to know each other very well, and very quickly. How long we have known each other, where we met, your favorite color, flower, and all the other little things that your parents and my parents are going to ask us. We are going to tell them that we are pregnant and that it was my fault completely, because I did not wear a condom, when I took your virginity. I am in love with you, you know that, and I have been for a long time. I fooled around with many other women, because I did not want to touch you. On the day that I did, I was not thinking very clearly, because I loved you so much. We would like their permission, to get married, as soon as possible, to avoid any stain on your reputation. I want that more than life itself."

"Vincent, I did not know you felt that way about me. I have looked at you, in school, for years and wondered what it would be like to be with you. That was the reason I chose you to take my virginity. I would be so happy to marry you, under any circumstances, but having your baby, makes me even happier now."

Vincent said, "I love you too, Donna."

Antonia grabbed the phone from Vincent and said, "Hello Donna, this is Antonia Caruso, Vincent sister. First, congratulations for falling in love with a great guy.Dumb as a Post, Sometimes, but a great guy."

Donna was shocked to speak to a friendly member of the Caruso household. She thought all of them would be hostile towards her. She said hello to Antonia, and hoped in the future, they could become good friends.

Antonia told her, that she was marrying her brother and there was no way that they were not going to be friends, forever.

Donna was ecstatic over her reply.

Rose took the phone and said, "Hello Donna, this is Rose Caruso, Vincent's mother. You must never say that I have spoken to you before. However, welcome to my family. My son loves you very much and I hope you two will have a long and happy marriage."

Donna's head was swimming. She was talking to Vincent's mother, and she was welcoming her, to her family. This was much better than she could have ever imagined. She replied, "Thank you very much, Mrs. Caruso. You have no idea how much your welcoming me means. I have never been so honored."

"In the future, Donna, once we get the fathers settled down, and they have accepted the situation, I would like you to call me 'mom', if that is okay with you."

Donna said, "That would be fantastic, Mrs. Caruso. I would love it."

Rose said to her, "You can talk to Vincent for one more minute, to set up a meeting at a mall, tomorrow. My daughter will be there, with a friend, to make it look like an innocent meeting. When your minute is up, I want you to go to sleep and give my grandbaby some rest. Good night Donna."

Vincent grabbed the phone and said, "Do you believe me now?"

"Vincent, I love you. Where do you want to meet tomorrow?"

"I think we should meet at the mall, by the Boardwalk. It is always very crowded, on Saturday. Is eleven o'clock okay?"

Donna said, "Eleven o'clock is fine. Call me when you are there, and we will arrange for a place to meet. Good night, Vincent."

"Good night, my love."

"You are a very smooth operator, brother. If you keep treating her like this, you will have her eating out of your hand for a very long time. If you start treating her poorly, and start running around, with other women, she will bite that hand and that other part off. After all, she is Italian."

Rose could not help but laugh at the look on her son's face. He was acting like a rooster, after he got off the phone, and then his sister cut him off at the knees.

"Vincent, you should make sure your sister is not around, when you talk, or make gestures about another woman. She will not let you get away with it."

"Are you sure we cannot force her to become a nun, and get her a room in the Vatican?"

"Yes, Vincent, I am quite sure."

"I am going to be in hell, for the rest of my life."

"There is always the possibility, that she could get married."

"Mom, be real. What man, in his right mind, could stand her?"

"We will have to wait and see? She may have already met him, or she may meet him in Italy? Only time will tell. Good night children."

They met, accidentally, at 'Flash', and upscale clothing store at the mall and introduced themselves to each other. Antonia hugged Donna and told her not to worry about Frank, because everything that he heard would remain confidential.

Donna was a little hesitant at first, but Frank reassured her, that he would never do anything to hurt her or Vincent.

They went to a restaurant in the mall, rather than the food court, for a more private conversation. True to her nature, Antonia had typed a list, on her computer, and made three copies of it. On it, there were questions, Donna and Vincent should know about each other. Over lunch, they filled out the form, and added questions, and answers to it, which Antonia had missed.

Antonia's phone rang and when she looked at the caller ID, it was her father. "Hello dad, what can I do for you?"

Vincent put his hand over Donna's mouth so she would remain quiet.

"Where are you?"

"Dad, you know where I am. I am at the mall with Vincent, and Frank."

"No, where in the mall are you?"

"We are on the first level at Vinci's restaurant, having lunch."

"Let me speak to Frank."

"Yes, Tony, I am here."

"Frank, to your right, are there three men?"

Surreptitiously, Frank glanced to his right and said, "Yes."

Tony said, "Frank, do not leave the restaurant. My people are on the way."

"How will I know them, Tony?"

"Vincent will recognize them, and they will escort you out of the mall."

"Tony, we have a young woman with us, who is very important to Vincent. We want to protect her, also. We are taking her with us."

"No problem Frank, bring her here."

Frank turned off the phone and looked at the three people at the table. "Memorize those answers quickly, you two. You are about to be grilled, when we get home."

Donna said, "Home, whose home?"

"We are going to Vincent's home, Donna. You are going to meet his father."

In chorus, the three young people, at the table, said, "Oh shit!"

Thirty minutes later, six men entered the restaurant. Three men went to the table where Vincent, Frank, and two young women were seated. The other three men stood by the table, where the three men were seated, and appeared to have a cordial talk.

They left the mall, en masse, and drove in a caravan, to Tony's home. When they arrived, they were ushered into the house, quickly. One of Tony's men, who had spoken to the three men seated at table, spoke quietly to Tony, and left the room.

Tony went into the living room, to meet with his children and his new guest. He said to Vincent, "Would you please introduce me to this lovely young woman."

"Dad, this is Donna Mancuso."

Tony went over to Donna, kissed her on both cheeks, and said, "Young lady, you caused quite a stir this afternoon."

Donna's eyes opened wide and said, "Me, what did I do?"

Tony smiled and said, "The three men seated across the restaurant from you, where there protecting you. Your uncle was worried about your safety, when he heard you were going to be with Vincent, so he took precautions to make sure nothing happened."

Vincent moved by Donna's side. "Dad, I think you'd better sit down."

Tony did not like the look on his son's face, so he sat down and waited for the shoe to drop.

"Donna and I have been in love for more than three years. I have been fooling around, with other women, because I refused to touch her. A little more than a month ago, she told me that I had to stop fooling around, and be with her only, or she would leave me. I am so in love with her, that I agreed, and we made love. I do not know what I was thinking that day, but I did not wear a condom. She was a virgin and I took her innocence. Now, she is carrying my child. I want your permission to marry her, as soon as possible, so that she does not bare the stain of my indiscretion. It is my fault, that she is in this condition, and I take the blame completely. Please give us your blessing."

Vincent waited for the explosion to happen as he held Donna's hand. It did not come. Instead, his father said, "Let me think on this for a few moments, while I make a few phone calls, and then I will give you my answer."

After Tony left the room, Vincent kissed Donna and said, "Holy shit, he is going to say yes!"

Donna looked into Tony's eyes and asked, "Do you think so? Do you really think so?"

Rose joined the conversation and asked, "What is your uncle's name?"

"Uncle Albert?"

"Yes, what is your Uncle Albert's last name?"

"His name is Albert DiAngiolla."

"Donna, in that case, you can start calling me mom."

Antonia and Vincent, immediately, understood what her mother was saying, but it appeared that Donna was totally in the dark, so they left her there.

Donna went over to Rose and asked for permission to hug her.

Instead of answering her, Rose took the initiative, and hugged her future daughter-in-law.

When Rose was done, Antonia went in for her hug and congratulated her new sister. She laughingly told Donna that she would get her a nose ring to pull Vincent around the house.

Vincent yelled, "Mom, you have to do something about her. She is giving my wife ideas already."

Donna went over to Vincent and said, "I like that you called me your wife, Vincent. It has a very nice'ring'to it."

Vincent knew what she was thinking and said, "Can I wait until my father says yes, until I take you for your engagement ring?"

"Vincent, you can take her for the engagement ring, anytime you want. Her uncle Albert and I have agreed to the match. We will have a sit down dinner, at his home, to celebrate. Then I am going to hit you with a baseball bat for getting this lovely young lady pregnant, prior to her taking her wedding vows."

Vincent picked up Donna and twirled her in the air. They were both very happy. Donna, because she would not have to bear the child out of wedlock, and Vincent because he would have a beautiful wife, a child, and most of all, he did not wind up in the hospital.

Antonia stood at the side of the room, and thought it was amazing, that some people could step in shit, and still come out smelling like a rose.

Rose went over to her daughter and said, "I know what you are thinking, but do not fret. One day, when you least expect it, it will happen to you."

Antonia replied, "Mom, the only thing that is going to happen to me is, I am going to be struck by lightning, twice in the same place, and the odds on that happening are frighteningly high."

Rose laughed, "In that case darling, you better wear rubber sole shoes."

5. How to hide a 'Wire' at a 'Family Gathering'!

Frank was driven to the Veterans Hospital, by one of Tony's men, carrying his armload of paperwork. He disappeared into the bowels of the building, and briefed his handlers on the progress of the investigation. He was thankful he did not have to monitor the bugs that he planted, because the traps he left in his room, to see if it was being searched, were often found disturbed. When he advised them about the engagement party, they asked him to wear a"Wire."

"You are out of your fucking mind. First, I am not going to be invited inside. Second, if I am, I am going to be searched, over every inch of my body. If they find it, they will not only kill me, they will kill my parents."

They showed him the wire/transmitter/battery pack they wanted him to use, and how to assemble it, and use the adhesive."

"Man, this is going to hurt!"

His handler joked, "Only when you laugh."

"That is easy for you to say."

On the afternoon of the affair, Frank shaved off the hair, from his ass hole, and balls, to the head of his prick. He found this to be a very tricky operation. He thought about waxing it, but after reading the instructions, he could not think of the way to explain to his parents, the screams of pain that would occur, when he pulled the hair out, by its roots. Shaving was a quieter and less painful procedure. So, here he was, in the shower, bent over at the waist, trying to get every last hair off his delicate skin before attaching the'wire'to the tip of head of his penis, under his balls, to his rectum. He would wait, until later, to perform the final insult; connecting and shoving the battery pack up his ass. He was not looking forward to that indignity.

Finally, at six o'clock, he could not put it off any longer. He took the eight-inch long battery pack, containing 'D' cell batteries, coated them, with the lubricant that was provided, and he began pushing it up, his ass. He grunted and groaned, until finally it started to move into his body. He felt like it would never end. He found a new respect for any women, who liked anal sex, because this was definitely not a comfortable feeling. He straightened up, and tried to walk. He realized walking with something that long up your ass was definitely not normal. It took him a while, before he got back to his normal gait, but thought he could bluff his way through the evening, by saying his leg was in pain.

He arrived at Tony's house, in a suit and tie, and awaited instruction. Antonia came down the stairs in a beautiful new dress, which she had purchased, during one of their shopping trips. She looked wonderful, but Frank said, "You are going out, in a house dress?"

She screamed, "Dad, kill him, please."

Tony came into the hallway to see what her problem was now. He asked, "Are you two fighting, again?"

"Dad, he called this a house dress."

"Well, this is a house, and you are wearing a dress. So technically, it is a house dress."

Antonia screamed, "Mom, help!"

Frank and Tony looked at each other and smiled.

Vincent came downstairs, in his brand-new suit, looking very dapper and happy. Tony clapped him on his shoulders, straightened his tie, and said, "Son, you accidentally got the right girl pregnant. Do not fool around on the side. We have made an alliance, with another'Family', which has made us very strong. As time goes by, you and Donna will become the beneficiaries of this strength. Always think of the'Family'first, everything else must come second. Business does not become personal. It is not like the old days, where guns settle the score. We are business people and business people make accommodations. Do you understand?"

"Yes dad, I will learn everything I can. I will become the best business man that I can be."