Winter Break Ch. 01

This is a work of fiction. All characters and events are made up.

*****

Tom pulled his large suitcase off the luggage turnstile and headed toward the automatic doors. He was exhausted and his patience was on its last frayed string. Children ran past him screaming and giggling, people stood around and watched, travel weary. Tom wondered silently if running them over with his giant rolling home in a bag would do them any harm. But they were out of his sight before he could find out. He pushed his way through the crowds of people waiting for their bags and as the doors opened cold air hit him hard, nearly knocking the air out of his lungs. It would not be the first time, or the last, that he wondered if spending his entire holiday break in Boston was a good idea.

The honk of a horn caught Tom's attention and he looked in the direction it had come from. He recognized his mother's SUV immediately and smiled. She hugged him hard, holding on to him long enough for the airport police to request they move along. The heat was blasting inside the car and Tom knew this was for his own benefit. California had made him forget what it was like to be cold. That was just one of the many excuses Tom had tried to use when his mother begged him to spend his winter break at home.

"I am so glad you're here Tommy." She was smiling ear to ear. It made Tom feel warm inside.

His mother still lived in the house where Tom grew up, so when they pulled into the driveway of the two story craftsman with the white trim all his memories came rushing back to him. Learning to ride a bike. Falling a lot. His first broken bone. His first broken heart. They all happened here.

"The others should be here in the next few hours. The weather is making the drive a little longer than usual," his mother told him as they stepped inside the house. Tom was the only one of the kids who went West. His other siblings stayed around the area, New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio. They were all driving in for Thanksgiving. With their families. Well, except his half brother Danny. Who was still single. "Sorry, you are going to have to share your room with Danny," she continued. "We just don't have enough room for everyone anymore."

Tom's heart jumped for a beat. Danny. His mother's surprise. Tom was twelve when his mother brought Danny to the house and told he and his sisters that he was their brother. Why she had to be the one to tell them Tom still didn't know. Danny was two years older than Tom and the child of Tom's father and a woman that he'd had an affair with, fourteen years prior, as the math goes. Tom's mother agreed to raise Danny when his mother died of cancer. Tom still admires her for that. And while Tom's mother was happy to raise a house full of children, she had zero interest in continuing to raise her cheating husband, and kicked him out pretty soon after Danny's arrival.

Tom pulled his giant suitcase up a flight of stairs and carried it over the worn carpet toward his old room. His heart did another backflip as he stepped over the threshold and remembered the small space, with the trophies for varying sports feats and academic achievements. "Never believe the stereotypes." He remembered saying to his mother when he came out to her at seventeen, making her question everything she knew about what being gay meant.

The bed looked smaller than he remembered. Maybe it was because now he was being asked to share it with Danny. New memories flashed by his vision and he pushed those aside. Those he needed to keep hidden. Those he needed to suppress, now more than ever.

Tom's oldest sister Allison was the first to arrive. She looked like she had been through hell, Tom supposed driving eight hours with two kids under five and a husband with a penchant for random facts about random places would do that to a person. Amy, the second oldest, arrived with her family in tow, looking in about as good of shape as Allison had. Despite only having the one child who was ten. Melissa arrived shortly after with her husband and their dogs, whom they referred to as their 'instead of' children. The house was abuzz with activity. Tom entertained his nieces and nephews, a job he was suited greatly for. And although he enjoyed his time with them, he knew this was just an excuse to not sit by the door waiting for Danny walk through it.

It was long past bedtime and Tom had climbed under the covers in his footy pajamas he was glad he packed despite feeling like a child in them. He was considering putting on his winter coat as well. The house was warm, but the winter nights were too wintery for Tom's liking. He had forgotten how quickly the lack of sun turned everything to a deep chill. He was lying still under several blankets and covers trying to will himself warm when he heard the squeak of the door opening. He sat up to see who had come in, knowing the answer before he saw him.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you," Danny whispered.

"You didn't," Tom whispered in response.

Tom tried not to stare as Danny quietly set his bags down, grabbed a set of pajamas and disappeared again.

"How was the drive?" Tom asked when Danny slid carefully into bed next to him.

"Long," Danny answered. "It snowed the whole way. Damn, Tommy how many blankets are on here?"

Tom shrugged, though he knew Danny couldn't actually see him. "Sorry, I forgot how to be cold."

Danny laughed and peeled back three blankets, covering himself with the fourth. "Well you're going to have to relearn because it's going to be a cold winter."

Tom laid still, listening to Danny's steady breathing next to him. He held on to the blankets over him, reminding himself to stay on his own side. When he woke up in the morning he was roasting. He threw the covers off and sat up quicker than he meant to.

"What the hell are you wearing?" Danny's sleepy morning voice came from behind him.

"The warmest thing I had." Tom defended his choice of sleepwear.

"It's good to see you Tommy."

Tom turned toward Danny and everything rushed back into place. He had hoped the time away would change him. Change the feelings he had, since the day Danny turned up in his life. But it hadn't. If anything time and distance had made the feelings stronger. He took a deep breath and did what he had taught himself to do for many years. Suppress. "You too, Danny," he said with a smile and what he hoped was brotherly love.

By the time Tom made his way into the kitchen it looked like a tornado had ran through it. Thankfully the coffee pot was still in tact, and had what looked like just enough for one full cup still warming in it.

"That better not be the last cup." Danny's voice rang through the room. Tom was going to have to remember how to not react to hearing it.

"Here, this one's for you," Tom said as he poured the liquid into a mug, smiling at Danny like he was being the best brother ever. In truth Tom was glad to make a new pot, and have the first mug of it.

"Did you eat?" Danny asked as Tom made a new pot of coffee for himself.

"Not yet."

"Eggs? Toast? What do you California people eat? I don't think we have any tofu here," Danny joked as he rifled through the fridge.

Tom gave him a playful nudge with his hip. "I didn't move out of the country Danny, just across it."

"How does it feel to be a college graduate?" Danny asked.

"Weird," Tom admitted. "I keep thinking there's something I am forgetting to do. Some paper I forgot to write."

"You'll get over that quickly," Danny assured him.

"How's Wall Street?" Tom barely looked in Danny's direction, but this time it was because he was waiting for the coffee to brew, not because he couldn't bear to.

"Brutal, but challenging," Danny answered.

The sounds of the coffee dripping into the carafe, the eggs sizzling in the pan, and the toaster timer ticking filled the room as the boys went silent.

"Have you met anyone?" Danny asked after a few seconds. "Any boys I need to keep in line for you?"

Danny was the only sibling who used the proper nouns when speaking about Tom's potential love interests. Everyone else pretended that if they didn't specify the gender it would change the conversation. Tom smiled and shook his head no. Danny did not press the conversation further. There were moments when Tom wondered if Danny knew how he felt about him. It sent panicked alarms through him to think that his carefully guarded secret was not so secret after all. But if Danny was aware, he never let on, even now.

"What about you?" Tom asked, pouring coffee into a mug and doing his best not to burn his mouth as he took the first sip. Always his favorite.

"Nope."

Tom was not prepared for how relieved he'd feel at Danny's answer. He took another sip of hot liquid and hoped his flushed face would be covered by the mug.

They ate breakfast together, sitting at the small table in the kitchen rather than going into the main dining room. The sounds of laughter and screaming and barking could be heard in the living room.

"Is it me or does it seem to get more chaotic each year?" Danny asked as the noise heightened around them.

"Pretty sure it's getting worse. Mom loves it though."

When they had both been sufficiently caffeinated and full of eggs and toast, Danny and Tom headed into the family room to join the fray of people gathered there.

"Good morning!" Their mother greeted them with joy. She never wavered in her love for her children. Even the ones that weren't her own. She had raised Danny, a scared teenager, and given him so much love and support that he had turned into the strong, confident man standing in front of them now. She hugged Danny with the same love and warmth as she had Tom the day before. It was because of this that Tom knew he was going to be okay. Every time he wondered if he'd ever have children, he knew that it was possible to raise a child with love, no matter the circumstance.

By the time the sun set and another cold night was upon them Tom had helped his mother decorate the house with Christmas lights, Danny and the brothers in laws had put up the tree, Tom had helped his nephews put together a third of the giant Star Wars Lego set they had brought with them, they had eaten three giant meals, and Tom was exhausted. He changed into his warm footy pajamas and sat down on the bed waiting for Danny to join him.

"I'm not ever going to find those not funny," Danny teased as he sat down on the bed next to Tom.

"Thanks?" Tom retorted.

Danny half smiled and went silent. Tom let himself take a long look at his half brother, recording each image to memory, again. Danny's dark eyes were warm and soulful, his lips looked soft and inviting, his arms were long and muscular and perfect for hugging or cuddling...Tom made himself stop there.

"Is this hard for you?" Danny spoke so softly Tom almost didn't hear him.

"What?" Tom asked.

"Sleeping in the same bed. With me."

Tom's heart beat in his ears and everything inside him fell to pieces. Panic threatened to take over. He wanted to scream, and cry, and run away. But as he looked up and caught a glimpse at Danny's eyes he did not see an ounce of fear, or judgment, or anything but the same love, admiration and curiosity that had always been a part of him.

"A little." Tom told the truth.

"I can find somewhere else to sleep." Danny's suggestion was as equally nonjudgmental and even keeled as his question had been.

That set Tom's already panicked state further into a spiral. "No!" He screamed it before he could stop himself. "No," he said calmly. "I'm good."

"How long have you known?" Tom asked after a long bout of silence.

"I always suspected, but I knew for sure when I saw you in June. The way your face lit up when you looked at me. I had hoped being apart would change things, but I knew they it hadn't."

"Me too," Tom said, looking away. "That's why I left. And why I chose L.A."

Tears threatened to fall and a knot formed at the base of his throat. Danny sat up and moved closer. This did not help. And when he felt Danny's arms wrap around him he lost complete control. All the things he knew were wrong about how he felt scrambled to the surface. And all of it came pouring out at once. For the first time since he left home he let it.

Danny held Tom as he continued to let his emotions take over. He stayed silent, letting Tom cry out whatever it was he need to feel. As Tom's breathing began to steady and the tears had stopped falling Danny pulled him up to face him.

"You want to talk about it?" Danny suggested.

Tom nodded despite himself. No, he really did not want to talk about it, but he feared that any more suppression and denial and he'd have to be taken to a mental hospital.

Danny waited patiently as Tom sat silently in front of him finding his words.

"I have thought about this for so long it has become like a movie of someone else's life. Everything I have done over the past several years is because of you. Coming out, leaving Boston, staying single," he said the last part under his breath.

"I made you gay?" Danny tried to lighten the mood.

Tom stifled a laugh. "No but you confirmed what I already knew about myself. From the moment mom brought you home and explained that you were our brother I knew two things for certain. I was definitely gay and I was going to have to get really good at keeping secrets."

"I'm sorry," Danny always apologized, and he always meant it.

Tom wrapped his hand around Danny's wrist. "I didn't say it was your fault. I made those choices, and I live with them."

"Is that what the crying was about? You think you made wrong choices?"

Tom shook his head. "Years and years of suppression and guilt, that's what that was."

"Are you done with that now? Because I don't know if I can stand to see you in that much pain, ever again."

Tom let his hand fall from Danny's wrist. "I don't know. This is helping, talking about it, getting it out in the open. But it's still what it is. No amount of talking is going to change the fact that we share the same blood and last time I checked you were not even a little bit gay."

"Everyone is at least a little bit gay, Tommy."

Tom tried not to let those words give him hope. He could not lose focus on the real truth. They shared DNA, there wasn't anything either of them could do to change that.

"You know I would do anything for you Tommy," Danny broke the silence. "If I thought it would help you, I would let you do whatever you wanted. But I think, if anything, it will cause new problems we're not ready for. So for now, we sleep. OK?"

Tom could not deny that he was exhausted. He had spent his energy crying out ten years of emotions he would never let himself feel. Danny laid back against his pillow and pulled Tom down next to him. Tom's eyes were heavy but his mind was still racing. Danny wrapped his arms around Tom's waist and pulled him closer.

"I did not say no. I just have concerns. And not the ones you think," Danny whispered into Tom's ear.

"K." It was all Tom could think to say.

By the time the sun woke them up the next morning Tom had kicked all of the blankets off of the bed. He was still wrapped in Danny's arms, which was probably why he felt so warm.

"I might have to rethink the footy pajamas," Tom said out loud.

"Just admit it. I'm hot," Danny teased.

"Don't let it get to your head," Tom teased back. He sat up and turned to face Danny who was still lounging against his pillow. "For the longest time I thought that having you know how I feel would end in disaster. I thought. That you would be mad at me. That you would think I was disgusting. That you would never want to be near me again. Thank you for not doing any of those things."

Danny sat up and closed the space between them. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you sooner. I wanted you to go to school, live life. Maybe I hoped you would meet someone and we wouldn't have to talk about it. I don't ever want you to feel the way you did last night. Promise me, that from now you talk to me, no matter what."

"I promise," Tom answered, and he meant it.