You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Like my other stories, this one is also based upon true events. In this particular story, it is about as true as I can recall it. Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with my stories, this one contains all sorts of sexual pairings, variations, fetishes and general good fun. If you are uncomfortable with bisexuality, select another author. Also, while condoms are not mentioned in this story, you can be assured that they were always in use.

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Here I am turning 65 and I still play with my dick like I'm in puberty. I play with it all the time. I consider it a "good" habit and I don't give a flying fuck what anyone might think. It used to bother my ex-wife that I would idly scratch and stroke my dick when we were alone. Many times, I offered it to her but more often than not, she declined and called me a pervert. As I have written here in the past, we were not sexually compatible and after my divorce, my sex life blossomed and reached its potential.

Ever since my divorce, I've had several friends where my "good" habit was appreciated and even celebrated. Many times since, I have watched and been watched as I play with myself. I even went to a meeting of a masturbation club where a dozen men and women sat around watching each other. It was extremely hot. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's not like masturbation is my kinky fetish. No, it is just a natural part of my life and I enjoy it, as well as other forms of sex. If an opportunity comes up to share it, hell, I'm there.

Also, if you have read my prior stories, you know that I am orally bisexual and my favorite encounters involve couples. True, finding bisexual couples can be a tough nut but since I moved down here to Sarasota, they may not be more plentiful but they can be found. It just takes a little work. You have to wade through a lot of bullshit and weed out a plethora of phonies. There are many guys out looking to get blown and they use the wife as bait for bisexual men who think they are speaking to a couple. Usually, he says he wants to meet first to size you up and see if you're acceptable to the wife. At one point, he will surely ask for a blowjob with no offer of reciprocity. The reality is that she never even knows what he does online, let alone his true sexual preferences and will probably never know about her husband's post. Nevertheless, with all the difficulties involved in finally hooking up with a bisexual couple, many of my encounters have been amazing and wonderful.

So here I was, on a rainy Saturday morning, looking over the pictures on my local adult swinger site and idly stroking my hairless testicles as I trolled for couples. About four pages in, I saw a picture of the fine bodies of a married couple living only about five miles away. I was immediately attracted to the fabulous female body with those large beautiful tits; it enticed me to click on their profile. "Mature discreet couple enjoys meeting bisexual people. We are very discriminating so please don't be offended if we don't get back to you. Men, women, couples, straight or bi. Contact us with pictures and what you like to do." Fortunately, their profile read that they were both bisexual, liked group masturbation and basically, were my kind of people. According to the site, we had a very high compatibility rating of 95%. I clicked onto the picture gallery which contained eight images. There were no head shots but both of them seemed to be in excellent shape. Her body was killer and he had a smallish beautifully shaped cock with a helmet that seemed oversized. There were a few pictures of her naked body. Finally, the last picture had them with some friends, all naked except for gaudy Mardi Gras masks. I looked closely at them...and then it hit me! I knew these two and I'd known them for years. Hell, I went to elementary school with them!

Donald and Lydia were longtime friends to both myself and my ex-wife. They moved from New York to Sarasota about twenty-five years ago. I'd grown up with them and had socialized with them quite a lot when I was married. She was always a knockout, quiet spoken and, while gorgeous, was not a very sensual person. She had an amazing rack that, sadly, was always hidden under prim dresses. Don was a bit of a pompous asshole but tolerable and often funny, it was all part of his salesman shtick and which Liddy (commonly called "Liddy") seemed oblivious. Many times, I had hosted them at my oceanfront East End home, sometimes for up to a couple of weeks of very friendly and polite vacation. It wasn't that they weren't good guests, they were and we often had many fun times with them but they could also be quite bland and boring. Also, as Don had made a small ton of dough (as the registered importer of expensive ladies' shoes with red soles), he also liked to spend it. We always ate and drank very well. When he sold his company, he pocketed a bundle and moved down to The Sunshine State for an early retirement of golf. That and dabbling in various businesses and real estate deals is his life, so far as I know.

Liddy became a nurse. Early in her career, she worked as the on-premise caregiver to am elderly Park Avenue lady who also happened to be one of the wealthiest heiresses in the world. She was a very good nurse and became quite in demand after the old lady died. She took a job as Head Nurse at New York Presbyterian and worked there until they decided to retire. Being idle in Sarasota wasn't working for her and so she went back to work. Today, she works as the Head Nurse of a local hospital. Childless, they always spent their money on expensive things, toys and luxury vacations. Their life seemed very very good albeit boring, so far as I knew.

Just after I moved down here, I called them. I hadn't seen them in more than ten years although we had spoken by phone during that time. We met and for several weeks, we socialized frequently which helped to ease my culture shock. At first, I enjoyed driving over to their immense house, swimming in their pool and playing a few holes on the course surrounding their home. And then Donald began to get on my nerves. Big time. Always needling me and trying to push my buttons went from annoying to exasperating. He seemed to enjoy condescending to me in a way I could not allow. He seemed to be glowering over me that he was still rolling in dough due to his acute acumen he displayed in his hobby of buying and flipping foreclosed homes. He flashed his Cuban cigars a lot. One day, while I was putting, he alluded to the fact that having suffered the financial downfall that I had, how could I afford green fees. He bordered on sneering and I ignored him putting out in two. But the end for me was when he pulled out a big bag of weed and began rolling fat spliffs. As I was new to the area and had not made any connections yet, I asked him if I could buy a little bit. Right away, he turned belligerent and told me in no uncertain terms that I could not buy from him and never to ask him again. "I'm not your 'man'!" he informed me. This wounded me. I was always free with my hospitality (and my pot) and this attitude was extremely insulting. It was not that he had said no to me but how he said it. I began to make some distance between them and until this morning, I had not seen them in almost a year. Now, I was seeing them and wow, what a view.

I decided to get in contact with them again. I always wanted to fuck Lidda and now there seemed a possibility. More important, though, was that I wanted to see the look on Don's face when he learned of my discovery. I relished this. Just as my financial and mental turnaround had allowed me to regain my humility, Donald needed a strong dose, too. I responded to their profile but did not include any head shots or any revealing information about my identity. I was reminded of the cartoon of two dogs sitting in front of a computer and one dog says to the other "On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog." I was sexy and vague band spoke highly of circle-jerks and bi-threesomes. I added a couple of body and dick shots and pressed "send." I waited a few minutes and then called them as myself. I had a nice mindless conversation with Liddy catching up on the past year. She happily invited me over for dinner on Friday of the coming weekend. She was always perky, efficient and yet ditzy, that Liddy.

I got a response from the sex site the very next day. It appeared that they had written the response together the night before. "Liked your email. We like the same things. Him: Nice cock. I'd like to do things to it. Her: It gets me off to watch two guys. I like to be watched when I diddle myself. Both: It excites us to watch each other cum. Tell us more. What do you do for a living? What kind of place do you live in?...etc." No pain, no weird stuff, no scat - just good old fuckin' and suckin'. After a few emails back and forth, we made a date to meet at a nice bar for a drink on Saturday. I was pumped.

Friday night, I arrived at their home with a good bottle of red and a few joints of the best stuff I could find. Liddy, now mature and of a certain age, looked amazingly youthful. Although there were age lines on both their faces, they easily could have been mistaken for their early forties. Her body did not seem to age either. Her large beautiful tits were still large and beautiful. Her ass was still a butt to bring a smile. Unfortunately, she still dressed matronly and even a bit austere. I simply hated her Peter Pan collar because I couldn't glom her fine tits. Our evening was all right, even pleasant and polite, if you will. As I knew they were both still in touch with my ex, I remained cagey with most of my answers. And naturally, Don threw some cutting remarks my way before Liddy and I mildly quashed him. I was being cute with them and at one point in the evening, I could no longer contain myself. I scratched the edge.

"I have to say that I don't know how you two do it. You both don't age. Liddy, you've always had a lush body, and one that I often drooled over, but now it's even better. You are one hot and sexy woman."

She preened and waved her head back, riffling her blond hair across her face and arching her back causing those fine melons to stand up proudly. Talk about sending signals! Don picked up on it.

"You couldn't afford her, Ray."

I smiled and let it slide. A little later, he complimented me on the pot.

"This stuff is great stuff. I haven't been able to get anything nearly as good as this. Can you sell me a joint or two?"

"No. I'm not your man, Don!"

Silence. That seemed to put him in his place and for the next couple of hours, we had a pleasantly distant dinner. Not long after coffee, I left and was on my way home and all I could think about was Don's snotty attitude and how it would play during Act II.

The next day, as I drove to the fancy top-tier bar overlooking Sarasota Bay, it was still all I could think about. I went over a thousand monologues and dialogues in my head knowing full well that I would go with it as it unfolded and roll with it. I liked that I was in the driver's seat. As I pulled into the parking lot, I avoided the valet line and parked my little car in the back between a Jeep Wrangler and a Chevy Cruze. Walking toward the entrance, I was astonished by all the Bentleys lined up in the valet lot. I thought I might spy Don's Bentley but there were just too many.

We agreed to meet at the bar and as I turned toward it, I spotted them looking eagerly at the door. When our eyes locked, theirs were like deer in the headlights.

"Donald, Lydia! Funny meeting you here!"

We politely kissed. Both were clearly uncomfortable.

"Ray, what are you doing in this neighborhood? Isn't this a little out of your range?"

"Well, it all depends what you're here for and how far you range, doesn't it? So what are you two doing here?"

Liddy jumped in quickly. "Oh...uh...we're meeting a couple from our club." At best, it seemed like a lame excuse.

"A little business, you know, Ray? Plus, he still owes me from the round I killed him on last week." Don thought he was so smart. "And so, you never answered. Why are you here?"

"You probably wouldn't believe it if I told you. How 'bout buying me a drink. I'll have a Martell VSOP. Thanks. And why don't we sit out there on the terrace until your friends come." I was such a smug prick.

Once we were set up on the terrace, in a nice quiet corner, Don asked me again why I was there.

"Liddy, last night you were dressed like a nun. Tonight, I could dive into your awesome cleavage. What's with the tits?"

She feigned embarrassment. "You always say the nicest things, Ray. You have a real way with words." She persisted, "You still haven't answered. So what are you doing here?"

"Okay, I'll tell you. First off, you can both relax. What I am about to say stays between us. If you don't understand at first, I promise you, you will. Except for at the end of my marriage, I was always monogamous. Oh, we had a lot of sex during the marriage but it was boring to me and very plain vanilla even at the beginning." They both squirmed in their chairs. "Still, I did not stray. After my divorce, I had many eye-opening experiences that awakened me to endless possibilities. Yes, I was broke and beaten and yes, I lived in a wealthy resort that I could no longer afford to live in, but I did what I had to do to make ends meet and still enjoy living there. I was chastened and I might say, humbled and humiliated in many ways. Especially in the sex department... that is, until a couple picked me up and I experienced my first threesome, and a bisexual threesome at that. Ever since then, I enjoy the company of couples. I live to give and recieve pleasure. I'd say I have a strong hedonist streak. So imagine my surprise when I saw your profile on SarasotaSweetSpot..."

Don's face was dark. He was at a loss for words. Liddy was also stunned, her blue eyes turned stone gray. Suddenly, she lost the oblivion and the ditz.

"Now before you get all paranoid and crazy, be assured that I will never tell a soul and that this is between us three. By your placing a profile and by me trolling for partners, we made a silent agreement to respect our right to be discreet. Yes, I know your secret and I have honestly told you mine. I believe we are all of the same mind. I love to sit around and jerk off and watch other people jerk off...and I like to eat pussy for hours on end...and I like to fill my mouth with the spongy helmet of a fat dick until it explodes in my mouth. Just like you." I stared hard at Don. "And just like you." I acknowledged Liddy's discomfort.

"I don't know what to say, Ray. You seem to know our little secret pretty well. I find it a little surprising because after all these years, I've never considered having sex with you. We were always friends." Her response was not offensive to me. Moreover, she seemed actually shocked that I had discovered them and she was being matter-of-factful. I understood completely; our long-time relationship was part of another world.

"That's okay, Liddy. I don't intend to hook up with you two. I really wanted to see Don's face. I wanted to see my friend, pompous Donald, humbled for a change." I turned to him. "You see, I don't like your attitude toward me, Don. Who do you think you are? We both...we all come from the same place. I don't like you belittling and needling me. I've been quiet about it but no longer. We've been friends for a long time but you've become a little too big for your britches. See, you may be rich and I may not be but in so many ways, we are alike. For one thing, we both like to suck cock and eat cum. That levels the playing field somewhat, doesn't it?"

He was stunned and his face registered his shock. It was the first time he was made speechless. I rose from the table.

"If I were you, I would remove the picture with the masks, I knew it was you two immediately. Enjoy your night and I hope your friends from the "club" arrive. And Liddy, I have always loved your tits. They look better than I ever imagined and I imagined them plenty."

I turned and walked out feeling gratified. I knew I'd made my point. I knew I'd shocked the shit out of them. I doubted Don would ever diss me again. In fact, I doubted that either would ever speak to me again. I hoped they got the message. I drove home with a distinct "fuck you" working.

Things were quiet for the next couple of weeks. Between my writing assignments, I returned to trolling for couples with no results. It was okay. I mean, I still jerked off every day. I knew that when I found the right couple, it would be worth the wait. At least that's what I hoped and fantasized about as I slapped my monkey.

Liddy called me on a hot Tuesday afternoon. I'd just finished writing and I was laid out on the floor playing with my dog. Once I heard her voice, I sat up attentively as she spoke quickly. "Listen Ray, first I want to apologize to you...for me and Don...you blew us away, you know...I mean really. Really! You don't know how bad we feel. Listen, I want you to come over for dinner and the pool this weekend. Don and I want to get our friendship back on track, you know. We both feel bad. My poor husband was devastated by what you said. It shook him up so...oh, he was humbled, all right."

"I'll have to think about this." I love playing hard to get.

"Well, I'm just giving you a heads-up. Expect a call from him. And believe me, Ray, I really am sorry. I know that we took you for granted. Oh, and if it helps to convince you that we are sincere, don't bring a bathing suit."

"Okay, let's see what he has to say." Being a hard-on was one thing but her last remark gave me one.

I was still pissed though. I had doubted very much whether I would see them again and now, they are inviting me back. Seriously? Had I really made my point? I was sure that while taken aback, Don would still be full of himself and I didn't need any of his bullshit anymore. I truly doubted that I had much of an affect upon him.

About an hour later, Don called. He, too, spoke quickly and nervously. "Listen Ray, don't hang up on me...please. I called to apologize. I mean honestly apologize. You gave me a wake-up call that I really took to heart. Just come over for dinner and let's talk about this. Don't be an asshole, let us apologize to you. I've known you forever and I've always looked up to you as an honest friend and a big brother...and you proved that to me again...and I realized what a shit I've been...and I don't want to lose our friendship. We want to make it better. Neither of us want to lose you. Come on, what do you say?"

I was taken aback by his honesty. His voice sounded different. It was devoid of piss and vinegar. "Alright, Don. Saturday. I'll be there."

"Good. Don't bring your suit. There will be a few other people there I want you to meet. And by the way, your cock pictures turn us on. It's beauty... Everything will be cool, I promise."

I was curious, that much is true. Their calls had given me pause. But I was also wary. But what the fuck. Holding anger is negativity and that's no good for the soul. If there was a chance that his head had changed, I was willing to give him that chance. After all, we did have a long history. Of course, being told by both of them not to bring my suit was more than intriguing.

When Saturday rolled around, I dressed sharp. I'd showered earlier and manscaped by pubes and my balls all nice and clean. I smoked a few bowls of the good stuff and packed a little stash to take along. I picked up a bottle of Argentinean Malbec and drove the short distance to their house. When I pulled up, there were four other cars there - two Bentleys, a Mercedes and a Tesla. I supposed that he needed big-time support from his high-roller friends.

Liddy opened the door and immediately took my breath away. She was wearing a tank top and a bikini bottom. Her tank top was see-thru and those fabulous melons were on full display. I marveled at her silver-dollar nipples.