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Click hereOn Deathbeds Door
By DG Hear
Okay, Thought I'd try a little poetry. Have no idea what I'm doing but thought it would be fun to try. Hope "LadyCibelle" can help me out here.
After forty years of marriage,
A life that was quite good.
I was brought to this hospital,
like the Paramedics said I should.
I was dying a slow death inside,
old age had reached it's toll,
my wife beside me, on my bed.
a slight smile, I was told.
She held my hand and spoke of love,
She had for me all these years.
Out of the corner of her eye,
I saw her shed a tear.
I loved this woman, I really did,
and now she'd be alone.
Our house now would be empty,
since our children, all were grown.
I wanted her to know the truth,
About the affairs I had,
I cheated on her more than once,
I'd knew it would make her sad.
I had to get it off my chest,
if I wanted to go heaven.
God, didn't let cheaters in,
unless they truly repented.
I looked into her dark green eyes.
And said my darling Sue,
I have to tell you of the truth,
that I had cheated on you.
Again she smiled at me and said,
my darling "Yes I know,"
I knew about the affairs you had,
so many years ago.
I chose to ignore it all,
since as a provider you were great,
until you chose to go to far,
and screw my sister Kate.
So as for your punishment for what you did,
I decided what to do,
I put poison in your drink
and end your life for you.
It's so sad but life, goes on.
It's over now, my husbands dead,
I have to meet a friend tonight,
My dead husbands brother Ed.
Thanks You for reading my poem.
Just having a little fun,
let me know what you think.
DG Hear
DGH, you made me laugh with this twisted rhyme of twisted tail.
I usually have to kill somebody in my stories to get a happy ending.
and their mate awaits the doomsday. TK U MLJ LV NV
I know it when I respond too quickly. You have to wait a bit, like letting a cooking dish simmer a bit.
On a second thought it felt like a folk song with a wink (and a moral). I liked it.
I'll say three things: first: continue to experiment and don't feel intimidated. I don't know how strongly you feel about writing poems. I am not going into the big "POETRY" thing, but maybe you don't even have to make any big decision? Just play with it. I for what its worth will be interested to see what you do and will give you my honest opinion (kindly, I promise).
Second, regarding the poem itself. Other than the rhyming, it reads mostly as an embryonic story. It's ok, but I was wondering if you made it clear in your mind - why a poem?
But I liked the humor; the surprise and the shift in the pov. Especially humor is sorely needed in this mostly overly self indulgent and overly serious section. So, why not more?
Three: doing poetry and doing fiction DO NOT contradict each other...
Cute read there DG. :D I chuckled, snickered, and smirked. :D
~~ Red. :)
but considering my own little tries at poetry, I'm not the best critic.