3: Scars Remain Ch. 04

---

"Alright, looks like we're done. The last fence post hole is officially dug," Luke huffed, wiping the grimy sweat from his forehead. "Tomorrow we can finally start planting the posts and tackle the fence." He hadn't worked this hard since aerial gunner school, back when he flew on the Pave Hawks with his buddy Clint.

"You look tired. I thought you turned into some freaky bodybuilder," Clint told him, smiling mischievously, "but all I see is someone who needs a nap."

"Shut up," Luke countered, taking a gulp of water from his Gatorade bottle.

"Shut up? That's all you got? You can do better than that."

"How about 'eat me'," Luke retorted.

"Please. I have that cross-stitched on a pillow. Try again," Clint taunted.

Luke laughed – something he hadn't done in a long time – and shook his head, "You're killing me. I'm the one who did most of the digging."

Clint grinned, throwing a towel at him, "Consider it payment for room and board. Besides, you know I can't keep up with you on this sloping terrain."

Clint was becoming proficient with his prosthetic leg; he made it a point to practice from the very beginning. His progress was tremendous, so much in fact that he was already training for the Seattle Rock n' Roll half marathon. Walking up or down sharply sloping grounds was another matter entirely. It greatly challenged his balance and coordination; each and every step took a great deal of effort.

Luke couldn't have arrived at a better time; over a quarter of the fence line around Clint's family farm sat on a steep grade, and he wasn't sure how he was going to manage.

"You know, me and dad appreciate your help. He's a little older now and just not in the shape he used to be, and obviously I have my own challenges," Clint told him, putting the joking aside for once.

"It's not a problem; it's the least I can do for you," Luke replied sincerely.

The two men threw their tools and equipment in the back of the truck before loading up in the cab. All Luke wanted was to take a shower and grab something to eat. Clint and William, his father, had converted a large shed into something of a guesthouse some years back, completely renovated with insulation, carpeting and plumbing. It remained uninhabited until Clint received a phone call a few months back. Luke needed a favor.

"Remember when you first called me," Clint asked Luke, hopping into the truck.

Luke jumped in on the passenger's side and said, "I do, why?"

"Remember when Kaylee called me crying her head off a few days after that, asking if you were up here, and you made melieto her and say no?"

Luke gritted his teeth, "No talking about Kaylee. That was part of the deal."

Clint started up the truck, "I owed you one... a big one. That's why you're here. You didn't even need to help dad and me out, and I appreciate that you've done so out of your own free will. You're a good buddy, Luke.

"But you're stupid."

"What?" Luke glanced over to Clint, trying to figure out where he was going with this.

Shifting into drive, Clint placed his carbon-fiber prosthetic to the accelerator, driving down the bumpy road. "Kaylee called yesterday."

Luke could feel the blood draining from his face.

"Don't worry, I lied again for you. But I'm getting sick of it, and I think it's wrong. All you're doing is hurting her," Clint said.

"Not that it's any of your business," Luke said, as calmly as he could, "but I'm doing her a favor. You have it backwards."

Clint shrugged, "You might not say that if you heard how devastated she was on the phone. I was the one that had to deal with her."

Luke sighed heavily, as if Clint's very words caused him pain. He looked directly at him and said point blank, "I've done nothing but ruin Kaylee's life. I hate that she is hurting, more than you could possibly imagine. It might be taking longer than I thought, but she'll forget me and move on. She'll find someone better than me, without any problems. You said you wouldn't tellanyonewhere I am, and I'm holding you to that. If you can't do it, I understand, but you owe it to me to tell me beforehand so I can get out of town."

Shaking his head, Clint sighed, "I know."

---

"I know it's been a while," Kaylee said softly, "so please bear with me. I'm not even sure what to say."

She sighed, sitting patiently, trying to form the right words, "I'm trying to open up, more than I ever have with you. I know I'm not good at it. But, here it goes. I'm not even asking for me. I'm asking for Luke. As much as this hurts – and trust me, it feels like I'm being stabbed in the heart, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep – he's the one that needs help. Each day, I keep wondering: Is he even still alive? Is he alone? And maybe it's selfish, but I wonder: Is he thinking of me at all?"

Tears began to form in the corner of her eyes as she said, "And is he happy? I have to know if he is happy." She could feel herself coming unraveled and blurted out,"I just can't take this!I just want him home! He belongs here... he belongs home with me. I can't live without him! I just can't... I..."

Taking a deep breath, she said, "The last time I saw him, he frightened me and I lost it. I really thought he was going to kill me, but as twisted as it sounds I know he didn't mean it." Her emotions overwhelmed her; she laughed bitterly at the irony of her statement, yet just as quickly her facial expression turned serious. "I know he still has demons to fight; I get it. But the last time he saw me, he thought I wasafraidof him, that I didn't want him. I can't even find him to tell him how I really feel; to tell him how much I love him!"

"Alright, so I have to ask you," She said as the tears streamed down her face, "Can you please protect him? Will you please be with him?" Kaylee held her Bible tightly against her chest, crossing her legs underneath while sitting on her bed.

"Please, just let him be happy, wherever he is. I want him, I want him so badly; but right now, I just pray for his happiness. I don't know which is worse, having him deployed to the Middle East, or having him safe over here but having no clue where he is. But I'll wait for him, as long as it takes. Just... just restore him. Be with him, give him peace, and fill him up with your love. Soften his heart, please Jesus..."

A couple of her tears, unable to hold on any longer, finally fell from her cheek and splashed against her pink leather bound Bible. For some strange reason, she remembered a verse that she and Luke read during one of their Bible studies.

Kaylee flipped through her Bible to Psalm 69. "29 But as for me, afflicted and in pain—may your salvation, God, protect me. 30 I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving."

Sniffing up her tears, wiping them away with the back of her hand, she smiled. It was as if God was trying to give her the peace she longed for. She read it over and over, "afflicted and in pain – may your salvation, God, protect me." She reread it for herself, and she read it again for Luke.

"Maybe you can even bring him home? Please... I just want him back home. Thank you; no matter what, thank you. Thank you for protecting Luke and me through all the storms we've managed to survive. Thank you for bringing him back home to me once before. No matter what happens, I still love you and will serve you. I still thank you for bringing Luke into my life. Without him and his family, I wouldn't be this close to you."

Kaylee lay back down on her bed, closing her Bible and drawing it close to her chest. She closed her tear-stained eyes and, almost instantly, fell asleep.

---

"So what would you tell her," Clint asked Luke while taking a swig of his Alaskan Amber, kicking back in the lawn chair in front of the small bonfire.

The silence had officially been broken. Luke turned his attention from the bonfire to Clint but didn't say anything.

After an uncomfortable delay, Clint quipped, "And... cue the crickets."

Luke shook his head and took a drink from his can of Pepsi. He turned his attention back to the bonfire, swatting a few of the bugs away. "Ask me something else."

"Dude, you won't talk to her, you won't even talkabouther, and you're making me keep your secret. No way mi amigo; not this time."

Luke shifted in his lawn chair, annoyed with the questioning. He gave Clint a look of warning.

"Sorry, your Dirty Harry I-will-kill-you-with-my-gaze look normally works, but it won't cut it this time. So talk, or else I'll do the talking about your girl. Either way, one of us will. Up to you which one."

Clint managed to say it with a straight face, but Luke knew he was deliberately taking cheap shots. To what end, he didn't know.

"So what would you tell her," he asked again.

Taking a deep breath Luke groaned, finally letting it all out, "What do you think? I'd tell her all the same things I thought about her on day one. None of that has changed. She's gorgeous, intelligent, compassionate, funny... she's everything. I'm crazy about her, I'm in love with her, and I want her desperately; butwe can never be together.Maybe if the stars had aligned just a little differently we would have had a shot. It was close. But, here we are. Simple as that."

"What do you mean when you say you can never be together?"

Luke said, "There's always been something keeping us apart. In high school, it was because I was a loser, and she was the high school princess. Now, it's because my mind is fucked up." Gritting his teeth, he growled, "I already told you once that I tried to kill her in my sleep. You of all people should understand."

Clint looked up, watching the smoke rise into the night sky. He nodded his head, "I know. I still have nightmares, too. I can still see the Major. He was sitting two feet away from me when we went down. Somehow he got cut in half, and I didn't get so much as a scratch."

Nodding in agreement, Luke's eyes were focused on the dancing fire but his ears were listening to every word Clint said.

"And Cash, too. He didn't have a chance. I still see both of them; their bodies in my head, every night, like a real life photograph. It's etched into my mind, like it's been burned there. It's like when you leave the television on for so long that it burns an actual picture in the screen, and you can't ever get the picture fixed."

There wasn't anything for Luke to say; he had been there.

"I've gotten better, but it's hard to shake," Clint added. Turning towards Luke, he told him, "Look, man; it sucks, but you don't have to let it eat away at you. As long as you two are both alive, both of you can work on it together. With everything you've overcome – the fact that you're even still alive – just look at it as another challenge. You told me yourself you were getting better, and the therapist was helping. You also told me Kaylee makes you stronger."

"Doesn't matter. Even if I was 'magically cured', I could still snap at any time. I could still hurt her. Or..." Luke's voice trailed off; he couldn't finish his sentence. Recomposing himself, Luke sighed, "The look on her face after I... the sheer terror she had for me. The way she looked at me, wondering how I could betray her and hurt her like that. So yeah, Clint; she does make me stronger but it's not enough. Even if it were, she probably doesn't want a thing to do with me after what I did even though it was in my sleep. I've never seen someone so afraid of me."

By the way Luke spoke, it was as if he was reliving the entire ordeal. "She even cringed and scampered away as I offered her my hand. I'll never forget that. When you said she called the other day, I admit I was surprised. I didn't really think she would want to talk to me again."

He took another drink, focusing on the fire as it swayed hypnotically back and forth, swaying in the cool night air.

"Besides," he said, "I can't be in a relationship where she gives and I take. I have nothing to offer. I never did."

A few sparks shot out of the crackling fire, landing between the two men. Luke closed his eyes, oblivious to everything around him except for the smell of the dark smoke as the winds shifted. He still thought about Kaylee, every moment of every day. He wondered what she was doing back in California. Did she still visit his sister? His parents? Was she still afraid of him, or did she even think of him anymore? Maybe the recent call was casual, nothing more than a second thought... it was quite possible Kaylee had given up the search a long time ago.

Maybe, but did she miss him?

It didn't matter, as long as she was recovering from him and as long as she was happy.

As if Clint could read his mind, he told him, "You need to call her, Luke. At least to let her know you're ok. Close the loop."

Luke didn't disagree with him, but he wasn't ready. He quietly told Clint, "The sooner she forgets about me, the better off she'll be." He set down the can and stood up. "I'm turning in. See you tomorrow."

---

"Even if I do find where he went, what if he's not there anymore? What if he keeps moving, and I have to start from scratch all over again?" Kaylee was trying her hardest not to unravel, but even with renewed strength and determination it was hard to fend off doubt. Her task seemed almost impossible, and she was running out of ideas on how to find Luke.

"Just keep your eyes on the road, hun," Audrey said while riding shotgun. Kaylee always made her nervous when she talked with her hands, mostly because she left the steering wheel neglected. It was only natural, as nervous as Kaylee was, but still.

Trying to encourage Kaylee, she said, "If anyone can get inside Luke's head, it's you. You seem to understand him when nobody else can. You'll find him."

Kaylee sighed. She wasn't so sure. It was another bitter drive from the detective's office back to her place; once again they had nothing.

"Just think," Audrey said, asking, "If you were Luke, what would you do?"

"Punish myself, grow a brain and listen to my girlfriend for the rest of my life," Kaylee muttered sarcastically. "He might be a genius, but that doesn't mean he's good at using his head."

Audrey giggled, "That's our Kaylee. Bringing the pimp hand strong. Luke's probably a lot safer without you finding him."

Kaylee glared at her.

Audrey, ever used to those popular Kaylee-glares, brushed it off. "Hmm. Ok, let's think this though. The police have checked his credit card statements and come up empty. We know he's not in the hospitals. So we're pretty sure he's not in the local area. Last thing we remember was Luke took off by vehicle. Maybe his car has GPS?"

"Good thinking, Audrey, but I already considered that. His car is an older model and doesn't have GPS. Even if he did, he probably would have smashed the antenna when he rolled his car, back in high school."

"Well," Audrey sighed, "So much for thinking his car left a trail."

Kaylee grew quiet. Unusually quiet. The look on her face told Audrey that her mind was hard at work. Sensing this, Audrey asked her, "What?"

"It was something you said, about his car not leaving a trail. It gave me an idea."