All Comments on 'A Bargain Made: A House Fallen Ch. 01'

....a world I would enjoy experiencing the whole.

Thank you!

I know I'm not, but that's the way it feels. Half this chapter references events that seemed to have taken place between A Bargain Made ch. 2 and this one. It's somewhat irritating because I would have liked to read about them rather then get the information through reference.

The only "missing" events between the two points are Neral's marriage ceremony and some pieces of the pursuit of those responsible for the plot against her. Since this is a mind-control-themed story and those, in my mind, didn't have any of that. I skipped them beyond using them as points of reference.

If you mean something else, I'm unclear as to what that would be.

Thank you for reading.

I guess what makes it feel like the story is missing things is that in the previous chapter, they had just taken over Bryana and started to figure out who was involved in the plot. Then, suddenly in the next chapter, they've already tracked the plotting prince and know where he's hiding. Obviously a few steps had to have occurred, but they're only really mentioned in passing.

One of the other items left out beyond their wedding was the initial sexual dalliances between all three of the main characters. You even mention how Neral didn't think she was attracted to girls, but surprised the maid when she found all three in the bed. You make a point of showing us the sexual manipulations of the prince in the next chapter, but fail to show/write about the sexual or emotional development between the main characters. As a reader so far, I'm just supposed to assume that it's happening, but there's no real evidence of it.

I just felt like there was a decent amount of literary meat in both these ideas that would have given a more complet picture, and warranted their own part, going into this chapter and the next. I like what you've written so far. Just giving you my feedback as a reader.

and the time it took to write it.

As to your first point, if this helps, the prince is but a co-conspirator. His partner in crime and how he was dealt will be handled in subsequent chapters. I did not flesh out the steps to the prince beyond reference because, in terms of my narrative, they are really just petty functionaries and links in a chain. They have no import beyond that and are quickly used or dispatched, so I did not spend a lot of time on them.

It's a narrative choice in that sense as well as one that comes with trying to be aware of how much the average reader is willing to stare at a screen and read in one sitting. Yes, dealing with them in detail fills some gaps, but I don't think it propels the growth of the main characters to any great degree, so I feel it can be touched on rather than explored.

Secondly, to your other points, I would refer you to the original story that you can access as a link on page one of this one. In that story, the very reason for Neral's change in sexuality is explained and, in its closing, the seeds are planted that explain Deres/Neral/Bryana's evolution together. The inferences are there, and, with time passed between the two stories, I felt that these pieces set forth were sufficient for the reader to settle into the swing of things.

Those are my thoughts on the matter and I appreciate yours.