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"Surprised only. She was certain that I had no interest in women until she saw that, and, to be fair, it's only been a recent development." Her eyes conveyed a hint of lust that they often carried for Bryana and, to a lesser extent, any female since the night the three of them met.
"One that I am happy with, my love." Her hands went to Neral's hips and her spine straightened. "You have to go because I have to prepare."
"Putting on your witch's cloaks?" It was said as something of a joke, but there was some sadness beneath.
"In order to do what must be done, I have to touch the person that I was before the changing. She hurt and frightened you, and I don't want you to see that person in my eyes ever again."
The warrior pressed closer to the sorceress. "I couldn't. I know it's a mask. I know what's beneath."
Bryana ran fingers through Neral's hair, reaching back behind her head to remove the ornate silver barrette that kept her hair from falling free. "She is dead." The words came with an absolute certainty. "She was vile and took joy in making others suffer for her own benefit and I'm glad she's dead. I would not return to being that woman as my life even if I could." She was now close enough to feel Neral's warm breath against her skin. Her voice became a lusty whisper, "But...as an instrument of your will she has a purpose."
They fell into a kiss that led their heads to turn and twist together as their tongues mingled before the mage finally forced herself away, "Go. Before I am too tempted to keep you here and we lose this opportunity."
There was a small part of Neral that wanted exactly that, not only for fear that tonight might be more than it seemed even though she knew Bryana was better equipped to take care of herself in that event than even she could, but because part of her didn't want Bryana to suffer the indignity of wearing that mask again in her name. But it had to be done and her love would do it even without Neral's blessing.
So she gave it by leaving.
- COMMENTS
SaddleRideralmost 8 years agoAuthorand the time it took to write it.
As to your first point, if this helps, the prince is but a co-conspirator. His partner in crime and how he was dealt will be handled in subsequent chapters. I did not flesh out the steps to the prince beyond reference because, in terms of my narrative, they are really just petty functionaries and links in a chain. They have no import beyond that and are quickly used or dispatched, so I did not spend a lot of time on them.
It's a narrative choice in that sense as well as one that comes with trying to be aware of how much the average reader is willing to stare at a screen and read in one sitting. Yes, dealing with them in detail fills some gaps, but I don't think it propels the growth of the main characters to any great degree, so I feel it can be touched on rather than explored.
Secondly, to your other points, I would refer you to the original story that you can access as a link on page one of this one. In that story, the very reason for Neral's change in sexuality is explained and, in its closing, the seeds are planted that explain Deres/Neral/Bryana's evolution together. The inferences are there, and, with time passed between the two stories, I felt that these pieces set forth were sufficient for the reader to settle into the swing of things.
Those are my thoughts on the matter and I appreciate yours.
Synapsisalmost 8 years agoI guess what makes it feel like the story is missing things is that in the previous chapter, they had just taken over Bryana and started to figure out who was involved in the plot. Then, suddenly in the next chapter, they've already tracked the plotting prince and know where he's hiding. Obviously a few steps had to have occurred, but they're only really mentioned in passing.
One of the other items left out beyond their wedding was the initial sexual dalliances between all three of the main characters. You even mention how Neral didn't think she was attracted to girls, but surprised the maid when she found all three in the bed. You make a point of showing us the sexual manipulations of the prince in the next chapter, but fail to show/write about the sexual or emotional development between the main characters. As a reader so far, I'm just supposed to assume that it's happening, but there's no real evidence of it.
I just felt like there was a decent amount of literary meat in both these ideas that would have given a more complet picture, and warranted their own part, going into this chapter and the next. I like what you've written so far. Just giving you my feedback as a reader.
SaddleRideralmost 8 years agoAuthorThe only "missing" events between the two points are Neral's marriage ceremony and some pieces of the pursuit of those responsible for the plot against her. Since this is a mind-control-themed story and those, in my mind, didn't have any of that. I skipped them beyond using them as points of reference.
If you mean something else, I'm unclear as to what that would be.
Thank you for reading.
Synapsisalmost 8 years agoI know I'm not, but that's the way it feels. Half this chapter references events that seemed to have taken place between A Bargain Made ch. 2 and this one. It's somewhat irritating because I would have liked to read about them rather then get the information through reference.
Anonymousalmost 8 years ago....a world I would enjoy experiencing the whole.
Thank you!
