All Comments on 'A Dream of Empire Ch. 013'

(more criticism/praise later)

Talos does not self-reflect much. As a wanderer he should probably be more familiar with himself. Tatiana is clearly about 3 seconds away from a few realizations, if she allows her mind to wander down the correct paths. This is assuming that I'm correctly sensing the shape of the greater story arc. The inter-character emotional dynamics continue to be quite engaging. The mental wards make the dynamics possible, but they (the wards) are plausible.

Here are a few disjoint comments gathered over a few days. I hope that they are clear.

Criticism of writing:

There are a few typos but an editor would find them. A few construct-nits, perhaps cultural translation, stand out. Example: "spittle flinging from her lips before she could raise a hand to cover it." Again, an editor would(should) spot these.

World-building suggestions:

The detail work is already a far better effort than usual, but there are potential areas for improvement.

Health-care - more details would make the world more convincing - e.g. the healthy(ier) attitudes towards sexuality (due to the power of the female sorceresses?) are good, but unintended pregnancy is a serious consequence, medically. (And also socially.)

Economics - most of the story populace is involved in commerce of some form. Also true for most readers. A few usages of unusual but sensible economic or commerce practices reinforce the willingness to believe in a world.

Plant and animal lore could use more detail.

For example, the smokable seer's root flowers stood out as not entirely plausible. (Most entheogens (excepting psilocybe mushrooms and a few others) involve more preparation processes.) The root powder that Cassandra uses is more realistic.

It might also be helpful to mine traditional herbal knowledge from an underknown real human culture. What does a (peasant:-) doctor's bag contain? What does a sorceress doctor's bag contain?

The interactions among Cassandra, bear, warrior and empath made the story flow, but the empath probably could have handled it without the threat; bears are very focused on food; "remember that bacon over there!"

You get the point; little details, even (or especially) if sparing, are very helpful. (Though they MUST make sense even when a reader thinks deeply about them.)

Praise:

One of the most endearing features of these stories is an apparent lack of concern with contemporary fantasy story tropes. In this chapter, for example "whichever goddess Casiama had mantled" (and the preceding introductory explanation by Tatiana), most writers would feel the need for some cumbersome and laden explanation of/term for such a (incognito) relationship between a deity and a flesh person. "aetherius" is another example, a word rarely used in fantasy stories; it is used in multiple chapters, its meaning never entirely clear even in context (deliberate?). (There are multiple meanings in English)

Your treatment of the characters' handling of the prophecy is deft. Talos, pay attention. :-)