All Comments on 'A Fucking Investment Ch. 14'

Excellent story. I thoroughly enjoy both of your story lines, and I look forward to the next installment.

I want Mrs. Grayson too nice touch keeping Joshua on hold

Great chapter looking forward to next contract signing.

This story rules.

If I have a complaint, it is that you have a habit of using, using, an excessive amount of commas, commas in when, when your charters speak.

It might not be as bad, noticeable or distracting if it was just one character's speech pattern, but it is used for all of them. It tends to make your characters sound too much alike.

I understand the use of the comma to be a pause in the characters dialog, but using a triple period ... or a - can be just as effective if used appropriately.

Yes ... is usually used to indicate a trailing thought and the - is more for a sudden stop in dialog or break in dialog.

(Not an English major, if I'm off a little, sue me for the cost of my advise)

Otherwise well written and enjoyable.

Hey Nutranch, thanks for the note. I get your point. In fact, the most important element of your comment is "they all sound the same" and that is a bad flaw. In point of fact, I am experimenting and you are seeing the style appear, more or less all at once. I am aware of commas and ellipsises being overly present and as you say, it may be time to back off. I am using them as breath marks as though reading the dialog outloud. When learning a new skill, you tend to do it all the time to perfect it and then put it on the shelf to be used as indicated, not all the time. So, I plead practice, less than intent. Not everyone halts and stammers when upset or rattled, I need a new version of how to show disgruntlement or distress with speech patterns. I think I agree with you that I have used this one to death. Thanks for pointing it out. I will begin the difficult process of finding an additional method. My goal is to have characters that sound unique and thus far, I have been trying to do that solely with diction and word choice. The other intent has been to use commas to disrupt perfect sentences to create an illusion of speech patterns withou resorting to colloquial vernacular exclusively, that wears me down when reading it all the time. I hope you will begin to see new and better approaches in the next few chapters. Thanks again. Keep reading and commenting, as notes like this are very helpful. -C

At least you have the courage to post your stories. I write, but nothing that I have so far created has been worthy of sharing. I fully realize I am an armchair author and some might take offense at criticism, especially from a non contributor to the reading pool. But if I make a comment, it is in the hopes of improving another persons work. Lord knows mine needs all the help it can get.

Keep up the good work!

Love the story and the characters!!! Each one adds more depth and breadth to the story. Plus i love the parts where you have shown Alan to be human and make mistakes, stumble around rather than a super human conquering and fucking, all on his own, to the board. Keep up the good work!!

if you want to show a pause you could--- well show he took a different thought for a moment--- then continue the statement as if it was not really there. Just an idea.

Well written. I find myself comparing it with the Milf series. This series has a more consistent plot line so it's a lot easier to keep track of who is doing what in the story, But the Milf story has one element this one lacks - humour. Sonny especially, has amazingly funny thoughts and comments, wheras the hero of this story doesn't have that dimension. The commas didn't bother me overmuch but I notice you still spell blond when you mean blonde - but hardly a major issue. Slightly prefer the milfs for entertainment value but I have great hopes of Mrs Grayson - the women are more fun when they are not pushovers. Keep it up.

Nutranch, keep writing. The process isn't finished till you have an audience and they will help if you let them. It took me a long time to finally start this process but here I am. Thanks for the encouragement.

FieroGT--that was a cool car! Thanks for the suggestion, I'll try it out and see how it feels. Shifting the subject is an interestion option. The more options the better I think.

Diesel man, yeah, I really like Sonny, he's got it going on I think. Alan/Joshua is more serious and in a more serious position. I didn't want to just write Sonny in a different context. Both series are helping find a voice and an approach. Crap, I keep editing the blond/blonde thing but apparently keep missing it. I have gotten it into the current work but the sections I had written before you pointed it out are slipping past me in the edits. I'll keep working at it. I think this series is for those who are severely bothered by the concept in the MILF list, so it has a broader appeal, maybe, even though the MILF Series has far more readers by far, as indicated by the numbers. Maybe Sonny will prove to be a durable character. Thanks for the support and comments. I have more to do and will keep working as you all say. Thanks again. -C

... Not again. Another cuckolding situation. Shades of D. Debra. Can't say I'm thrilled about that turn off events. Still, I look forward to the next one.

Have enjoyed this story and see so many ways it could go from here. Looking forward to more.

Firstly, great ability to devise a plot and then maintain the integrity over an extended period of time. Nice work.

It doesn't look like you use an editor and I think that would add some polish. Too many spelling errors or incorrect versions of words for my anal mind.

Regarding pauses, one way is to create space in the text.

'Victoria, would you like to join us?' 'Joshua ........I think I would but ...... if I say 'yes' now, what will be left for tomorrow?'

This story is not finished but it is very tantalising, but you keep us wanting more

My God man, you know how you write, so just keep on.

I would conjecture that no comments have been submitted because no one wants to disturb the muse.

Awesome!

When things get complicated most writers confuse the readers. You sort well.

I love this series. I don't want to see it end.

Barry