All Comments on 'A Guy and His...? Ch. 11: Family Ties'

much more please, keep it going.....

Hey Pars,

Ive been enjoying your story since you started, i really like the plot so far, the characters behind it are good too. I think the one thing that you are having trouble with is your boundaries between a characters thoughts when they are talking to themselves and the descriptive sections of your sentences.

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Jake was getting a little miffed why the hell wouldn't they leave him alone? He'd just had sex and they were wanting to fuck with him already. Growling Jake watched as the mist got smaller, tighter, a screaming was starting to assail his mind?

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That section above is a good example, you flow from describing his emotion to asking a question to himself and back again.

Jake was getting a little miffed, why the hell wouldn't they leave him alone? He'd just had sex and they were wanting to fuck with him already. Growling, Jake watched as the mist got smaller and tighter as screaming voices started to assail his mind!

Just a small section but hopefully you can see what I mean, youve been writing well otherwise! 5 stars for the effort.

I'm enjoying your series so far. Something tells me your tale is just starting.

Keep it coming. I'm enjoying this.

Jake can be King of all genies!!!