All Comments on 'A Man Named Christmas'

Sequel Please. Start where you left off.

I know this has been posted before.

Slightly confusing jumping character perspectives.

And the ending was jumbled and cut off...

But over all its a wonderful rewrite: enjoyable.

awesome but how about staying at one person for one story don't jump so much

Your story has the potential to be almost epical considering the characters involved and the complex interplay between their lives. That is why I am in hardy agreement with other commenters that the haphazard flow of events and the confusing sequencing of cast and dialogue makes for difficulty, not only in attempting to understand what is happening but in simply reading it as well. An outline or a flow chart might serve to assist you with constructing a smoother flowing tale and a more enjoyable read. Nevertheless, I think you deserve a 4 out of 5. Keep writing!

Yeah, it's been posted before, by MRHAPPY212. And not that long ago. Instead of beginning a story which (at least starting out) is a word-for-word copy of a previously posted story "Thanks for the editing", you might consider EXPANDING on that a bit. Like, "If this seems familiar, it's because it's a redux of a story I wrote... blah-blah-blah."

After becoming convinced I'd read it before, I looked at your list of posted stories, and wasted way much more time that it was worth to determine how much was copied and pasted from the older version, and how much was new material. If I've got the time to do that, you're not doing an adequate job of holding my attention. And that's not a good thing, since this is a site where people go to read erotica and suspend disbelief. You should at least set the goal of not being so boring as to make your reader's attention wander to "I wonder what's on TV tonight?"

There's a potential for a great story series here, but this is all over the map with no clear character development for Christmas, or any of the others.

Christmas tells Abbie that he's changed and has this "beast" inside him, but we don't really see that happening. If he's turned into a Dom, he's a pretty weak one.

Christmas gets kicked out of school for punching out his "best" friend, and everyone nonchalantly goes about their business, as if nothing big has happened. Apparently it was not the first time he got into fights at school, so perhaps Abbie's sheriff father has grounds for not wanting his daughter to be with Christmas, after all. What father wants to see his baby girl with a hothead who can't control his temper, nor his fists? We find out later that the whole "let's piss off Chris till he punches me out and gets thrown out of school" is some lame attempt to reinforce the fake idea that Billy is actually the one who knocked up Abbie? There is just so much wrong with that scenario and the reasoning behind it.

His girlfriend of ten years, Abbie, rips his heart out, and Billy calls his mother a whore and shacks up with Abbie, but Christmas just accepts them back, as if nothing is wrong and every thing is sunshine and flowers. People, especially those who are emotionally betrayed, just don't act that way.

The whole idea of all of these incestuous relationships is handled so blithely, like it's no big deal. No one pauses for even a moment to consider possible repercussions, and everyone automatically accepts the revelations that their friends are actually their half-siblings without even batting an eye.

The Halloween party scenario is entirely ludicrous. Basically most of the town shows up, and at midnight they kick the kiddies out and all retire to the B&D dungeon in the basement for an orgy to fuck their family members. And of course, the house had to be a former brothel and had to be painted pimp-y purple.

On top of it all, the story ends abruptly with no climax or denouement. It just sort of peters out (no pun intended), with nothing resolved and too much left hanging in the air.

The characters in this story are plastic, one-dimensional and clichéd. There is no depth to any of them, not even Christmas.

I'm willing to suspend disbelief to a certain extent for a story, but there are just too many instances here where the characters don't react emotionally as the vast majority of humanity would, thus taking the suspension of disbelief well past the breaking point.

There are some hot ideas here, but they are handled with little rhyme or reason as to why they are happening and with little, if any, true-to-life emotional reaction.

As someone else pointed out, this needs a total rewrite, with an emphasis on continuity and cohesion, and more raison d'être behind everyone's actions. "A" leads to "B", which leads to "C", etc.

You need to take your readers along for the ride and not have them questioning your characters' motivations--or lack thereof--every step of the way.

I've got my two front teeth, but please just call me Chris.

I have just read the story 'A Man Named Christmas', now I thought it was a good story, maybe not the best but still it's pretty good, I have noticed that sum of us gave the writer pointers about why it was not as good for them as others, an how it was reused from sum one else, well if y'all are so good at story telling how about sum one gets permission from both writers an see if it can be written better, see if the characters can be made more 3 dimensional, etc, well fingers crossed if we see it getting done.

This is the first time I rated a story this way only because it had potential and I needed to rationalise why I shouldn't give it one star.

I realised that subconsciously I rate these based on how my body and brain react. So here's what I think they are: fantasy fulfillment+; arousal-; tears*; character replacement**; cringe***, captivation****.

I loved the premise, the small town aspect of the story and intertwined relationships.

This was an interesting story until the POV shifts. It became a guessing game, trying to figure out who was speaking. I had to read and re-read several sections. I was able to skim and skip sections and not lose the story line. I even kept on reading to give some critical feedback.

Fantasy fulfillment: (1)

I had erections for 5% of the story. (0)

I didn't cry (some stories aren't tear jerkers). (1/2)

I didn't know which character I wanted to be as the story jumped around too much. (0)

It almost came close to being cringe-worthy and then it took a sharp turn. (1/2)

I stayed up to stupid o'clock because I wanted to critique it as I thought it could have been a better story (1/2)

And then i round up because this isn't D&D. :LOL: (3 stars)

You have potential. Don't be afraid to ask for help from an editor.

+ Does it fulfill a sexual fantasy

- I'm a guy, I measure my arousal by how erect and for how long.

* How emotional did it make you

** How much do you identify with a person in the story

*** How close to home is the story

**** How unable you are to stop reading the story at stupid o'clock in the morning

Let's get this story completed. Grouch6977

Just don't make Chris a bottom