All Comments on 'A Man Possessed Pt. 01'

You're painting with words and that's good. The change in POV was jarring, though. You started with a husband's POV, agonizing over his forbidden desire to see his wife have sex with another man. Then, suddenly it's a woman's POV, perhaps the same husband's wife, we can't be certain. Then all too soon the first chapter is over. It would have been better, if you wished to switch to the wife's POV, to continue in a third person narrative form, reserving the first person for the husband. Write for your audience. I suspect most of the people getting off on this will be husbands imagining the very same thing, so make that the most personal, the first person. Add some descriptions of who these people are, too, to give the reader something to build on. A good start, I hope to read more from you.

Thanks - good feedback. I did something similar - switch back and forth between points of view - in a full-length novel I published for Kindle, and I did exactly what you suggested. The woman's perspective is third party and past tense. The man's is first party, present tense. I think I treated it more abruptly here because I was doing this contribution more stream of consciousness. I may do an edit so it streams with future chapters.

I sort of disagree with red. I like it as it is. You don't need to start like so many of those poor writers: My name is Joe. I do this for a living. I'm 6' tall and 35 years old. My wife Betty Sue is a red head, 29 years old, with perky 69 triple H breasts etc., etc. Let the details and descriptions come out naturally through the story. Looking forward to more.

MichaelG

but it's far too short for a rating. At least you stopped it on an interesting note.

You'll get a far better reception with at least 2-3 pages posted.

You are talented and show well the husband's obsession with his wife, but I feel you use too many words that aren't necessary.

"The weak smile that tugs at the corners of his mouth when he offers a playful joke. " I would omit the adjectives in this sentence and probably quite a few others as well. It seems you aren't sure of the meaning of some of the words you use? "My discrete surface opens up " I don't know what that means. "From my abstract vantage, I can tell" That makes no sense. Better just to write, "From my vantage point". ("Vantage" needs the word "point" after it)

On the whole I liked this. You should continue.

Very nice. I don't mind that it's short, I hope you won't let us wait too long for the next chapter, I'm curious where this is going!

The language is a bit on the dramatic side, of course, but I think you're getting away with it.

I too was wondering about the "abstract vantage", though :)

I liked the line 'abstract vantage' ... don't know if you meant it like I saw it, but I saw it as he was living the moment, but also outside it and was in awe of what he was experiencing.

There are lines that could be removed, but that's only my opinion.

I like how this is going. Fascinating study of what's going on in the mind of the husband in particular.

I like the process of the story relling, He's thinking that She's thinking and to my fear He's right, She is. This encounter of coworkers is not over, I'm hoping.

I think I would like to be him watching her during this well planed sharing of her ability.

I haven't looked for or have you mentioned its title, I give permission for full self disclosure