A Tale of Two Mothers Pt. 03

"Kind of," I frowned, "just not sure I want the whole world to know."

She was silent for a minute or two.

"So, how does that change things between us?"

"It doesn't," I grabbed her hand, "we're best friends, you can stay over whenever you want, I mean I've felt like this for a while but didn't want to admit it."

"So I've been in bed with you and you haven't?" Holly stared at me, "wow, if I'd known."

"I didn't want to know myself, but this changes nothing between us."

Looking back I can't help but cringe at my naïvety, the girl I loved was sitting right in front of me and I was trying to tell her that nothing had changed between us. When I dropped her off at Damien's she hesitated before giving me her usual hug.

"Your secret is safe with me," she whispered, "but if you have a coming out party you have to invite me," she kissed my cheek, "see ya later, girlfriend."

Holly got out of the car and I watched her walk to the front door. Damien met her at the door and she gave him a longer kiss before he pulled her inside. When I got home mum was sitting watching telly and Birgit had taken Sam to the vet for his regular check up.

"You didn't dent the car on your first time out, did you?" Mum looked over the rim of her glasses at me and I shook my head.

"No, I was fine but there's something I need to talk to you about."

"Uh huh," mum turned the telly off, "okay, I'm listening."

I told her about the way I'd been feeling towards girls for the last couple of years. It felt like a load was shifting off my shoulders when I finally admitted that I was attracted to girls. What bothered me at the time was not understanding why I had held out for so long and mum began to explain more about her 'coming out,' which had started when she was in her last year at uni and really only came to fruition when she got together with Birgit. We talked a lot that morning, Birgit came back with Sam halfway through and I heard more about her coming out, she'd been a year younger than I when she admitted she was in love with her best friend.

"For me it was different, my family were very accepting and Danish culture in general is very inclusive. There is no right or wrong way to accept your sexual orientation. It's not about terms such as gay, straight, bi or trans, it's about who you feel drawn towards. People feel the need to put things in neat little boxes with labels because it's how our minds work, but love was never made to fit into boxes, it's a living breathing entity. You can be friends for a few years and then you become lovers," she smiled crookedly.

Little did I know how soon that would happen to Holly and I.

***

The day Holly kissed me is something that has remained with me to this day. She was not the first person to kiss me. That honour remains somewhat dubiously to Tony the Octopus and he stuck his tongue in my mouth and I thought he'd taken an epileptic fit! Nish was a better kisser but his were more tentative pecks on the lip when he was leaving. Holly's kiss however was far more sensual and erotic, and it took me completely by surprise.

It was about two weeks after I'd come out. She hadn't been over for that first week but of course we were in constant contact via text! The second week she did come over twice, the first time to drop off some books she'd borrowed and the second time for dinner. Paul was back with Kelly again and this time it looked far more serious, she had her licence and seemed quite willing to forgive and forget. They'd both been out with other people in the six months since they'd broken up and by the way Kelly was talking it sounded as if she'd had a run of bad luck.

"The problem with guys, present company excluded," she smiled at Paul, "is they seem to lose interest once you've, you know," she bit her lip.

"Shot their bolt?" Mum picked up her Coke.

"I was going to say, had sex but yeah."

Holly squirmed at that and I shot her a sympathetic look. She had just had a big fight with Damien that afternoon but I didn't know the details because she'd promised to tell me in person.

"That's why I broke up with Damien today," Holly suddenly blurted out.

"Why?" Birgit asked her.

"It's about sex," she confessed, "he wants to be my first and when I refused he accused me of being a pro like mum and I slapped his face and stormed out of the house," she looked at me for a few moments longer, "my sister thinks I need to speak to someone about it but I'm not ready to talk to some therapist about it."

People were quite supportive of her that night although mum looked thoughtful after I'd taken her home. Holly's virginity wasn't news to me though, I was just surprised she'd 'come out' like that and I kind of joked that perhaps my coming out was contagious.

"Perhaps it is," she smiled crookedly.

We were outside her house when she said that and as I put the handbrake on she put her hand on my hand and kept it there. I turned my head to look at her and say goodbye. She leaned forward to give me my usual hug and a peck on the cheek. I was aware that she'd lifted her hand from mine and then I felt her hand on my cheek as she tilted her head and kissed me on the lips. My heart skipped a beat as she kept her mouth on mine and then parted her lips slightly, I went with her and felt my head was swimming. I broke free a few moments later and blinked nervously and then she kissed me again, tugging gently at my lips. I finally raised my hand to her shoulder and pushed myself into her as I let go of my reserves and gave myself to her. Holly pulled back as my hand moved to her face, she was breathing deeply but when I went to kiss her again she pushed me away.

"Not tonight," she whispered, "there's something I have to do first," she kissed me hard on the lips and then backed away.

"Text me tomorrow?"

She was halfway out the car before I replied, "yes," and then she was closing the door and backing away, I watched her walk into the house and then finally took off my glasses and wiped my eyes with a tissue.

Where had that come from?

Coincidentally as it turned out that next night our paths had been converging for the last year or so. While I had been consciously avoiding admitting to my lesbian urges because I didn't want to be just like mum, Holly had been doing the same thing.

"A part of me blames mum because of her job," she told me the next day, "she fucks men for a living and every time I think of sex with a man I think of mum lying on her back. When Damien does get romantic I have to force myself and at first I just thought it was just a matter of putting it all to one side," she stared at herself in my wardrobe mirror.

"But when he puts his hand on my leg I keep pushing him away and I make the excuse I've got my rags on or something," she looked down at her jeans and chuckled.

"So for the last few months I've had my period. Damien has been seeing other girls and I've never actually confronted him about it because at least then he isn't trying to break me in."

"Maybe there's another reason," I adjusted the pillow at my back, "maybe you're into girls."

"That's the other reason," she slipped a hand beneath the collar of the white blouse I'd made for her a few months ago, "and it scares me because it's not the reason I wanted."

She looked at me briefly and then back at the mirror.

"There's been times when we were in bed I almost kissed you but because of the fact your mum is in a relationship with Birgit I wasn't sure how that would affect you," she fiddled with a button on her denim jacket.

"Silly I know."

I felt slightly aroused and troubled by that statement because I'd checked her out as well and yet I'd not made a move for the same reason.

"What are we doing?" I fiddled with the cuff of my blouse.

"A good question," she swivelled to face me and stretched her hand out to lean on her palm, "when I kissed you last night I knew why I didn't want to have sex with Damien, it had nothing to do with him because we could have done it when he wasn't fucking other women," she stared at me for a moment or two before going on.

"I feel safe with you, the reason I had to go inside last night was because I needed to tell mum what I'm going to tell you now, that I'm attracted to girls."

I swallowed as I stared at her, conscious that the blouse was stretched so tightly across her breasts that part of her bra was visible.

"What did she say?" I breathed.

"She told me she loved me all the same and made a joke that at least I couldn't get pregnant. She kind of blamed herself for it but it's not her fault I told her."

Holly was staring at me earnestly and I finally reached out and hooked a finger behind the bottom of the vee in her blouse, it was buttoned down to the second button and she put her left hand on my hand and kept it there.

"Promise me we'll always be friends even if," she left the rest unsaid and I nodded.

"I swear it."

I leaned forward and put my left arm on her shoulder, she leaned further forward and then she tilted her head and kissed me slowly and passionately. It was even more arousing then because by now I'd had the chance to replay that first kiss over and over again. Holly pushed harder against me and I felt a slight quiver as I worked her lips slowly and methodically. When we finally parted we were both smiling and she stroked my face gently and kissed me again.

That kissing session seemed to last forever although in reality it couldn't have been longer than fifteen minutes because A Current Affair was just ending. By then we were lying on the bed, still fully clothed and our hands were everywhere. Both of us were fully aroused as we ran our hands through each other's hair and rolled about the bed with our legs entwined. Holly had me on my back and was kissing me with soft, teasing kisses while I stroked her front. We were both so into this new thing that we didn't hear the footsteps until mum tapped and then opened the door. Holly sat bolt upright and looked over her shoulder at mum.

"Oh," mum looked at us, "I was going to ask if you and Holly wanted to come with us to Anna's joint for a coffee but I can see you're busy," she stepped back, "sorry to bother you."

She closed the door and we heard her walking away. I looked at Holly and bit my lip.

"I don't think I've ever seen my mum so embarrassed."

"I suppose this means I'm busted."

"You are now," I rubbed her pussy gently.

"Do you want to?" Holly tugged at the top button of her blouse.

"Do you?" I kept rubbing her and she quivered.

"I do, but I want you to promise me one thing."

"Anything."

"We'll always be friends no matter what."

Little did I know at the time how hard that would be.

***

Your first love is always memorable because you're on unfamiliar ground and that was even more apparent for us. We were both virgins and I felt both nervous and excited as I unbuttoned her blouse. I'd seen Holly naked many times before but this was the first time I'd physically undressed her. When her blouse was open to her belly I began to kiss her again and again because I was unsure of my next move. I had my hands on her much smaller breasts and that was turning her on big time because she loved the way I handled them with such care and tenderness. When she unbuttoned my blouse I sat up and shifted position until we were kneeling in front of each other and we embarked on another kissing and caressing marathon that ended with our blouses fully undone and hanging loosely out.

"How do you want to do it?" I undid her jeans.

"The dildo?" Holly looked down at my hands.

"Okay," I stroked her lips beneath the panties and she whimpered with pleasure.

The dildo was a bright pink one mum had bought me a while ago and typical of mum she showed me how it worked by sitting me in front of a YouTube video.

"It's mindless shit," she told me, "but it's better than Pornhub."

She was right there and I knew how to use one on me, and Holly had the same equipment as yours truly. Holly had seen the dildo before of course but now as she held it in her hands she looked kind of doubtful.

"It's bigger than Damien's," our eyes met, "not that I've seen his but I've felt it."

She laid down on her back and I pulled her jeans off and dropped them on the floor. She had a soft almost pensive look on her face as she spread her legs and touched herself. I handed her the dildo and undid the button and zipper at the front of my skirt. It was one of those denim skirts that I'd made some time ago. Holly pulled her panties down while I removed my skirt and bra, and then she pushed it up inside herself and her eyes went wide as she stretched herself.

"Oh fuck, fuck, it's big."

"Slowly," I leaned forward and pulled her bra straps over her shoulders, "mum told me that you have to go slowly the first time."

She chuckled at that and arched her back so I could unclip her bra. She has smaller breasts with pert upturned nipples that responded to my licking and sucking. Holly whimpered and cried out as she rubbed her opening and lips with the tip of the dildo and slowly but surely I moved further down to attend to her genitals.

Masturbation was one of those subjects mum and Birgit both talked about as if it was completely normal and it is! Thus, I knew how to masturbate myself. However when I did lick her clitoris she cried out, pleasure at first and then it got rather painful and so I moved further south to lick her lips. When I put my hand on top of hers and helped her guide the dildo further in she gasped and I thought it was painful but then she grunted and pushed harder and winced again. We withdrew together and tried again after a minute or so and it was like that for some time before she finally took its whole length and whimpered.

As I began to slide my dildo in and out her whimpering became louder and louder, I began to fall into a regular rhythm as I adjusted my movements to hers. We paused now and then to let her catch her breath but those were just momentary interludes and it would start again. Finally she pushed my hand away and started fucking herself, which left me to do the licking and caressing bit. When Holly finally climaxed it was with a loud yell and I jumped because I'd just run my tongue over her clitoris. She was starting to spasm, pushing upwards at the same time and then she fell back and let out a long groan and released the dildo. When Holly recovered she held onto me until I thought I would suffocate.

Holly's fingers inside me were a little rushed but I slowed her down until I could take more of her and then she too went down on me and when I came it was with a cry of pleasure and then tears were streaming down my face because for the first time in my life I felt as if everything was so completely normal. We laid in each other's arms for a long time just talking and kissing before eventually taking a shower separately. Holly went first and I went through to the kitchen to get a drink of Coke. Mum was lying with her head on Birgit's lap and Birgit was stroking her face, I looked at my other mum and she smiled.

"So, you've broken the drought."

"Yeah I have," I looked at mum, "it was beautiful."

Mum woke up at that moment and put her glasses back on.

"Oh, I thought you were asleep, we didn't wake you did we?"

"I thought we might have done the same to you two."

The story should end here with two childhood sweethearts living happily ever after but while that makes for a great romantic story, the real world is much more complicated and it's not as if it never happens either. I mean Paul and Kelly are still together but that's more the exception to the rule. Holly and I were together for three months and our lovemaking certainly improved dramatically because we could get each other off with ease. However while the physical was much better the emotional was a different story altogether, towards the end we both began to feel constricted. We'd been best friends since Year 11 and there was probably nothing we didn't know about each other and then we became intimate lovers and things got too serious too quickly.

Inevitably Holly was the first to blink and I overreacted by overcompensating, and in the end she got cold feet. The day she ended it we had a massive hailstorm and I was standing looking out the window wishing we'd never gone that far.

"It's the Icarus Paradox," Birgit stepped up behind me.

"What?" I blinked.

"Icarus was the son of Daedalus from Greek mythology. According to the myth he built two pairs of wings so that he and his son could fly like the birds, but his wings had a fatal flaw, they were held together with wax. Daedalus warned his son not to fly too close to the sun because it would melt the wax and cause the wings to fall apart. Icarus ignored his father's warning and flew too close to the sun and when the wax melted his wings fell apart and he fell to his death."

"That story doesn't make sense," I whimpered, "it gets colder the higher up you go."

"It's not about science," she put her arms around my neck, "it's about hubris and the phenomenon that if we rise too high then the very factors that brought us so high can contribute to our failure. You are not the only one to lose a best friend, I too fell in love with my best friend when I was only nineteen and because we were best friends I thought it would last forever. I was young, smart and thought that I could control it. Some of my friends tried to warn me but I wouldn't listen and when it ended I was devastated," she paused.

"Was it Frida?" I bit my lip.

"Yes," she replied, "but when she got pregnant with Karin I swallowed my pride and went to see her, she was with another woman and I told her that she and I would be friends forever but never lovers. That's how I became Karin's auntie. Officially I'm the godmother but God and I haven't been talking for years because I don't like the way he runs things," she released me.

"All you can do is try to save what you can, save yourself and if you can save a friendship then that is enough, but the rest is lost. You are not the fool for making a mistake, we all make mistakes. I have fallen in love a few times and thought this time it is for real. Learn from your mistakes and spread your roots wide," she glanced across at me.

"One of the mistakes many people make when they fall in love is to throw themselves completely into the other at the expense of their other friendships. When the relationship fails they are suddenly left alone. The strongest trees spread their roots deep and wide. I love your mother like I love no other but one of the things we agreed upon when we first started going out together was that we would nurture the friendships we already had and trust that neither of us would try to turn a new friendship into something more intimate. Some of those friends like Anna are mutual but there are others who are not mutual friends, it is risky but necessary because we both need time away from the other."

"What should I do about Holly?" I wiped my eyes.

"Give her time alone but try to save a friendship and that takes time and patience, like when you are drawing a picture or making clothes, sometimes you have to erase several lines or undo your work and start again. We all make mistakes but they are our mistakes and we own them."

It was good advice and I took it although it was lonely without her constant texts, I felt like I was adrift and as chance would have it, Karin was one of those I reached out to. She was seeing a girl at the time but like Birgit she understood the dangers of turning a friendship into something else, and in time our friendship would become more intimate but that was in the future. In time Holly and I would reconcile but we would never again become lovers, that part of our lives was over forever and we had to move on. In my next chapter I'll tell you about the other women I loved and lost.