All Comments on 'A Time Apart'

You have no talent for telling stories. 2nd person is a no-no. I am a man so when you address me as "you," you are insulting me. How am I supposed to associate with a character when you keep referring to that character as me and I know it's no me!

First or third person, second person is for instruction manuals. Sorry for being so harsh but I'm sure you've read a ton of criticism from other stories and you should know better.

She has to tell you that so you won't get your little feelings hurt. I wonder what else she's lying to you about? Don't believe a word she says because she obviously lied about you having talent.

This is a very difficult skill and even more so posting in the Loving Wife's section.

Ise the 1st or 3rd person perpective when telling your story.

For your story I am not sure what the stories theme was.

Your wife on holiday in the UK for 2 weeks, with whom, why, were was the other person from her return flight at the airport or did meet person or people over there !

Who was the woman in the bedroom her best friend, your mistress / lover, a prostitute, lesbian and why was she there, how did get there, does your wife have bisexual fantasy while being restrained ! ?

To many loose ends......

Hope this helps for future stories

.. this is not really a story. More like a scene in one. Even if you don't care about drama and just want to write sex scenes, you could frame it a little better. It's all in the presentation, you know.

Otherwise, not bad.

not bad for a first time. just dont do loong drawn out dork storys and u be ok.

You choose to write a story. You decide to use the second person. You alienate your readers. You get lousy ratings. You shouldn't be surprised.

"Our story starts picking my wife up at the airport when you get back" indicates there are three people. They are the guy, the wife, and you, whoever that is.

Second person is just awkward to read. It doesn't help the reader put themself into the story. Those of us who like to imagine ourself in a story do just fine in third person past tense.

This is too small a slice. We need more background, a few sentences or even well chosen words mixed in can accomplish that. It needn't be a great amount, but needs to be there. I'm one who would absolutely not enjoy this kind of surprise, so putting myself into the story was moderately horrifying. Had you given just a bit of indication this was a desired surprise for her, I could enjoy her enjoying it. Some might argue that she didn't object. Well, how often do spouses go along with something at the time only for all heck to break out later? Short, fast scenes can be very hot with a concise but more complete set up. Would definitely read a follow up.

for content and effort and to say fuck you in your ass dear annony

WTF are you a English professor dear annony? Just enjoy the story for the story dumbass! 5 for a fun read!

Make a You turn.

that you kept talking to? Was it me you were fucking? Improve your sentence structure and stop that silly 2nd person writing before you publish another story. Also, most people don't want to read about a man fucking his own wife. It's a hell of a lot more sexy and erotic if another man is fucking her...preferably with your knowledge. Now write us a proper 1st or 3rd person story with another man fucking your wife! Please!

I presume this couple were separated for some time and the husband wrote this letter to his wife...A good and loving letter...3*

apposed means next to

opposed means opposite of

Let all the 1* ratings that you get for this teach you to never use second person POV for anything but instruction manuals.

You were not fucking me (the reader).

You would get hurt if you tried.

As aggravating as 2nd person PoV is to read, a totally narrated story (common with 2ndPoV) is at least that DULL, as well!

Boo! Hiss!

and how was your trip. TK U MLJ LV NV

You have no talent for writing. Read several sentences and couldn't go on. Not my kind of writing. Sorry. Doubtful if I ever try to read anything of yours in the future.

When you use I and me a hundred times per page, trust me, this is not second person narration. It's the present tense you use that really annoys the readers.

Try again, this one just didn't cut it.

Had to give it a ONE STAR in honor of bony/vasty the asshole of Lit.

Not very good sex. Mundane, mediocre sex, in fact. Why would his wife go on a trip for two weeks without him? Not enough background to make this much of a story. A light BDSM romp. Didn't really fit in LW very well. Nothing clever or original and at the end, just not fun or entertaining to read.

1 star.

Thanks for the effort.

Your wife lied. You have NO fucking talent. Get lost.

So when you tell me what I am doing and what you're doing to me...I lose interest ver quickly.

A well deserved one star; but I sure you will get better. Good luck and keep writing.

I read this and thought not bad and yes a good sexy LW story. However I reread this, in view of the comments, and maybe I am stupid, but where does it say that she was not his wife? Tags says hot wife/loving wife, although admittedly I am disappointed by 2 week hol without hubby which should be explained. 4* based on info to date, but should it emerge she was with another fella then 1*.

.....if your intent was to excite, you might have put more effort into the buildup.

As it was they were all but screwing in the terminal, then the car park, then the car, then the beach, then at home....and magically, a second woman turned up at the exact moment needed to draw wifey into a girl-girl scene.

Well they were either remarkably fortunate or in their teens and capable of surgical revision in their planning and execution.....as there seemed to be no audience and no law enforcement at hand to address their public lasciviousness.

In my modest experience, there's a cope that shows up as soon as the zipper comes down.

Anyway. Please put better effort into your editing. The spelling and punc issues were real distraction.

On the story, try giving your audience something more to add realism and a better feel for the characters. Really, a fair first attempt and I would love to see so,etching more, but only if you're willing to commit yourself to a wholehearted effort.