All Comments on 'A Whole New World Ch. 01'

You seem to be rushing the story. Try to make the chapter's more than one page. Otherwise you will lose your readers.

Now it's time for the real character development to start. You did a decent job of establishing Sean's character and personality, but there wasn't really any of that in this chapter. Remember, even though your readers are likely familiar with the Brollyverse and its rules and tendencies, Sean is not, so his reactions and discoveries in regards to the universe have to be genuine. I didn't feel like there was any real time to establish his reactions in this chapter. I'm glad to see this series continuing, and I think it has a lot of potential. Will be reading the rest of your chapters as they post.

Score: ****

Keep in mind that I posted chapters 0-2 at the same time so your suggestions can't be implemented until Chapter 3 (which is already longer than the others and only about 1/3 of what I intend to include. In retrospect it probably would have been wise to get an editor, but this is my first short story since I was in school. In fact it's the first story in my head that had burned bright enough to make it out onto paper.

I'll keep an eye on character development (fair warning, Sean is much less likely to use Sarah's powers in a completely benevolent manner but hopefully somewhat more creatively than in similar stories) and they should be longer for the most part.

Please, take your time. Try to develop each character in New fascinating ways in each update. So far a chunky boy gets pricked by a ball and a genie is out. The writing isn't bad,but each chapter should be a mini story if you really want to grab an audience. Like a new virgin couple,take your time discovering little things,so you don't fall into the trap of underwhelming big things.

Keep going

_eb

I have to agree with anon. Build the story and maybe give us more than one short page.

The writing is good; it's just usually ch. 01 is the first chapter, not the second. I'm looking forward to the next chaptter, though...

An OK start but I started reading and it finished before I'd hardly started! Make the next chapter longer please.

Don't make the chapters too long. I love it when the story gets straight into the action! You describe the genie so well, I was really excited by her!

Good story, but too short!