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Click hereA car horn beep outside our apartment building, which only meant one thing. It was really time to go.
My mom's lips trembled as she looked at me one last time and I at her. The corners of my eyes burned and I let the bag drop loudly with a thump to the floor and hugged her with every once of my heart.
Again the car horn blasted long and impatient and I hugged her tighter to say goodbye -- possibly forever.
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Thank you in advance for voting and for feedback. I am self-editing so I know it probably has copyediting mistakes. But feedback outside on the story is wonderful (beyond editing mistakes). I am updating previously posted chapters of this story with plot and pacing adjustments.
I have one specific request on feedback. Originally the story started with the scene of Kiowa and her mother packing and the current opening of Kiowa traveling to the realm with Pion was the second chapter. In terms of pacing what are your thoughts regarding what you read just now and/or starting with the scene of the mother "pacing in her hair in a halo of chaos."
Cheers Lovelies!
~Talyis
- COMMENTS
Anonymousabout 7 years agoI love the flashback - it gives you the story and then the setup all in one shot.
Anonymousover 8 years agoShouldn't really matter but is the mc black or white? Cause I'm trying to picture the story but I don't know his ethnicity.
kiwiplumabout 9 years agoSorry, couldn't get into it until it's edited a bit, I'll check with some later chapters and hopefully you've had some help.
Rawmaster50about 9 years agoI really like this story for the emotional content of this story between the mother and daughter. you are very good about revealing the history of this world you have created. I tried to send you a friend request at fetlife, but I do not know if I did it right. I go by the name of hornyoldbob. I did not notice any editing or other problems with this story which means I enjoyed it to much to get distracted by looking for problems. Thank you
TalyisBagleyabout 9 years agoAuthorThank you for reading and for your comments. I so appreciate them. Keep them coming.
If you are wondering what happened to Of Thorn and Pearls (Shy and Tabor's first story before Mercurial Ends) it is available on Kobo Books, Smashwords, and Barnes and Nobel (and a few others I recall).
I am taking a break from my darker-stories and delving into New Adult/YA. I have 1 novel and this series in the works, but my other stories are still chatting me up, but I'm letting them simmer for a while longer.
EroticLitKittyabout 9 years agoI found myself nodding in agreement when you started to break down how easy it was to take us over with the help of social media and The Cloud. Not only is your concept not too far-fetched, it's pretty spot on. I have to agree with Steven Hawking on reaching out to Aliens...to paraphrase, if they're technologically far enough ahead of us to get here, they might be coming to wipe us out. Your story brings that viewpoint to life - nice work!
fanfareabout 9 years agoTB, you certainly compacted a lot of information and a lot of emotion into this first chapter. I look forward to it's continuation.
Now I'm going to have to squeeze out some spare time to read your previous postings.
Sleep is so overrated!
