Absence of Thought

"I believe that you have some...feelings...for me, and that this isn't some obscure prank set up by you and your friends."

I exhaled deeply.

"But I don't know where to go from there..."

"Well, maybe you should think about...how you feel about...me?" she suggested, blushing.

"I don't even know you." I said.

"Well," she smiled ,"It's a good thing I'm willing to wait until you do."

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said standing up.

"I won't..." I started.

"I know, I know, Thursday's in the cafeteria, right?" she asked

"Right." I replied. "For some reason it's always really crowded in here..."

"Yeah, most teachers set homework due for Friday, you know, for weekend marking?"

"Oh, right...yeah..."

That hadn't even occurred to me before. Just how much more intelligence was this girl going to reveal? And why was the only thought that was going through my usually restless mind the soft curve of her ass wiggling back and forth as she walked away?

---------------------------------

I thought about her more that night. I pulled her bra out from where I'd hidden it. I didn't do anything creepy with it, I just...felt it. The inside was so soft, I couldn't help but imagine how her breasts would feel...

I could picture them so clearly in my head, bare and perky, undulating just inches below my face. They were tanned, I remembered, and the words 'nude sunbathing' sprang into my head before I could stop them. All I could think about was touching them, rolling her pink nipples between my fingers...

But no, that wasn't going to happen. Whatever feelings she had, they wouldn't last. It was just a...temporary...infatuation. Not love.

" Because I'm Lesser," I thought aloud.

Lesser...

The classification I invented for myself. It was a social class thing. There was a clearly defined social structure at my school, just like there is in almost every environment. Some people are at the top, like Suzie, Higher, and some people are at the bottom, like me, Lesser. That's the way things are, that's just how life works.

I'm not saying romance between the classes never happens, but the feeling is usually one-sided. Even if a pairing does happen, it would never be between such different sides. We were like opposites. She was at the top. Not the very top, but close enough to it. I was at the bottom. Beyond the bottom.

Because I chose to sink so low...

---------------------------------

Thursday. Lunchtime, surprise surprise. The cafeteria was fairly crowded, as always, but I had managed to get a pretty good seat. At an 8 seated table, two tables of four pushed together, I sat alone at one side, surrounded by 3 empty chairs, while a group of four sat at the other side. Not completely alone, but not with anyone either.

I was staring at Marie-Claire from my Math class. She was chatting animatedly with her friends about nothing too important, by looks of things. Suddenly, I heard a voice beside me.

"Marie-Claire, eh? Hmm..."

I didn't bother looking around, I just kept watching. Jimmy Prince, a small nerdy looking kid walked by her. He fell, spilling his lunch tray all over the floor. As he worked to pick everything up, Marie-Claire just looked on, snorting with laughter along with the rest of her crew.

Bitch...

"And there's the look." Said Suzie.

"Well, good choice, clearly not an acceptable attitude." She continued.

I turned to her.

"Good afternoon Suzie" I greeted through my clenched teeth.

"And to you, Toby." She replied.

I sighed.

"It's..."

"I know, I know," she cut in.

"Well, maybe you should say it."

Just that infuriating smile. God, I hadn't felt this strongly about anything in so long...

But what, exactly, was I feeling?

We ate our sandwiches in silence, for the most part. It was a strange enough lunch choice, with hot food so readily available, but I preferred to make my own food, and I like hot food to be hot, if you know what I mean. What was her excuse?

I kept turning to her, to find her staring at me. It was so strange, almost...embarrassing.

A little while later, when we we're both almost finished, I noticed something. An annoying, high pitched giggling. I looked over to see Megan, the Queen Bee of Suzie's crew. Suzie's...former crew?

Anyway, they were laughing at her. Or at me. It didn't matter. People like her didn't even register to me, but then I thought of Suzie. I looked at her.

She looked so... vulnerable. She knew they were laughing, and it mattered to her. These people were her friends. They were supposed to be...

I was so pissed at them. It was strange, considering I'd barely even noticed them until now, but suddenly I wanted to hurt them. They were making her feel bad, and it was obviously my fault, or, at least, I was involved... All I wanted was to get Suzie out of there.

I stood up. After a moment of surprised stumbling, she stood up with me. I grabbed her hand and led her from the cafeteria. I didn't notice whether or not people were looking at us, it didn't matter.

Outside, I pulled her into an empty classroom. I felt so... invigorated. But also, a little annoyed with myself. I never let those kind of people get to me before.

The door closed behind us, and suddenly she was pushing me against it, pressing her body towards mine.

"Suzie..." I started.

"Thank you." She said suddenly, looking up.

She had blue eyes. I'd never even noticed before. So blue. A kind of strange, almost supernatural colour that would never normally appear in nature. I could think of nothing but that fantastic colour.

She closed the few inches between our heads and kissed me softly. Without thinking, I reached up my hand and gently stroked her head, enjoying the feeling of her hair in between my fingers. She moaned softly into my mouth and pressed her lips harder, slipping her tongue against mine. This was so different from the kiss before, so unhurried and tender.

But it couldn't continue.

I took hold of her shoulders and pushed her back from me. She reluctantly broke the kiss and stared at me with those too blue eyes.

I sighed.

"Suzie..." I began

"Don't...don't say anything..." she trailed off. "Just...I mean...will you go out with me? Please...?" she almost whispered.

I almost laughed at the absurdity of the situation. I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't even know how I felt about her...

She looked so helpless. Wide eyed and blushing deeply, there was now no doubt about what she was really feeling. Could I really turn her away, no matter what I was feeling? I mean, I could obviously, but I'd regret it.

"Ah...fine..." I sighed.

"Yes? Yes!" she smiled widely and hugged me, pulling my body into hers. How was it that just the heat of her flesh could drive every thought from my head?

---------------------------------

How could this be happening? It didn't seem real...

At the start of this week, I'd barely even noticed Suzie, but now she was making feel things...

Things I shouldn't be letting myself feel. I couldn't get her face out of my head.

Her body, her voice, it was all so distracting.

I tried to think of something else, anything else, but there was nothing else. The image that kept returning was of the first day she'd spoken to me, when she'd exposed her body to me in my bedroom.

As I remembered, I felt myself growing hard beneath the sheets.

Without thinking, I reached down and gripped the base of my shaft, sliding my hand up, feeling my heat.

"No!" I groaned aloud.

I wasn't going to do this, not while thinking about her.

But I couldn't stop. I stroked and rubbed along my tip, spreading the pre-cum gathering there.

I just thought of her as I slid my hand up and down my length.

Her little smile, her incredible eyes, her soft sensual voice.

I imagined laying her down, slowly undressing her, making love to her with my mouth, my fingers, worshipping her body as she shivered and squirmed in pleasure.

I went faster, and faster, feeling the wonderful sensation growing from the base of my stomach.

I could almost hear her voice in my ears, whispering my name,

"Toby..."

Toby? No... That wasn't me.

I felt a jolt of shock, I shouldn't be doing this.

But it was too late. I released myself, feeling the heat spread out over me, on my hands, my still hard shaft falling back against my stomach, still jerking slightly in pleasure.

I slept soundly that night, without dreams.

---------------------------------

Friday, in the library again. I couldn't settle. Suzie hadn't turned up yet, and I couldn't focus on my book. It was only after a while that I realised I couldn't even recall what I was reading. I closed it with a thump. I looked around at the few people close to me. Well, I say close, it was a big library and almost always mostly empty. I tried to "read" some people, but I couldn't get interested. I couldn't focus. I glanced at my watch. Jeez, lunch only started 7 minutes ago. It felt like hours...

Why was that? Because Suzie wasn't here? Did I actually miss her? No, no...      That...couldn't be it. She was a challenge. I couldn't read her, tell what she was really thinking. She kept surprising me with this hidden intelligence. I couldn't figure her out, but I would. I'd crack her.

Without really meaning to, I glanced at my watch again. 8 minutes.

"Damn it!" I breathed.

I stood up and walked quickly to the exit. I had just left the door when I saw her coming up the stairs towards me. I was suddenly, inexplicably nervous. I felt stupid, and...embarrassed for some reason. I had a sudden urge to check my reflection or straighten my pants or something...

Damn it, I hadn't been this insecure in...ever!

She stopped when she saw me, a little "O" of surprise forming on her lips. I walked over to her and stood silently.

"Um...where are you headed?" she asked, a little confused.

"I...I was..." I fought to keep the word "bathroom" from passing my lips. It seemed wildly inappropriate.

"Aww," she interrupted, "You wouldn't have been looking for little ol' me would ya?"

I just sighed and looked away.

"Wow, no rebuttal, eh?" she asked giggling a little.

"Look, I need to end this." I said.

She'd clearly shaken me.

"How can we end what hasn't started sweetie?" she asked. She was doing that little dance thing, hands behind the back, on the balls of her feet, moving side to side thing. This also revealed even more cleavage from her tight tank top.

I just grunted and turned, back towards the library.

She followed silently.

When we got to our regular seats she blurted out.

"Every day you have a different book."

"W...what?" I asked, confused. I was busy internally preparing my speech.

"It takes you like, a day, to read a book. Like, a full novel." She said.

It actually takes only a few hours, but I didn't think it was necessary to point this out.

"You change your t-shirt every day, but your pants every two days." She continued.

Not always a t-shirt, but I took the point.

"When you're just sitting, like daydreaming or whatever, you tap with your pen on the table, a solid-"

Tap. Tap. Tap.

She demonstrated with her finger.

"But when you're thinking, like in a test or whatever, you tap like-"

Tap-tap. Tap-tap. Tap-tap.

"And-" she started

"Stop!" I almost shouted.

This was just getting weird. She'd memorised my...my tapping...patterns?

"I'll admit, you're...observant, to say the least, but....I don't..."

What was it I'd wanted to say?

Ah.

"What do you feel when you look at me?" I asked

She stared.

"Love." She stated simply.

"Can you...expand that, a little bit?" I pressed.

"Um..." she stopped.

She looked away.

She gently bit down on her lower lip.

"Um..." she repeated.

Was this it?

"No." she said.

"No?"

"No." she confirmed.

Insert: awkward silence.

"Could you try?" I asked calmly.

"Ugh, it's like...it's like..." she stopped to compose herself.

"The first thing I feel, every time I look at you... is...relief."

Relief?

"It's like, relief that you're...still there, that you're real, and uninjured or un...dead..." she finished quite lamely.

"And then, happiness. That comes second, and stays until you leave, until I don't see you. I don't know how much more specific I can make that..."

She trailed off for a second.

"You know, just a general...contentment...But anyway, there's the longing, you know to approach you, or talk to you, or just...be in your life, in some way. Become...real, to you, I mean, to exist in your world."

This was getting weird.

"But...it'...it's scary, you know?" she said looking up, suddenly making eye contact.

I didn't interrupt.

"Like, you're so...intimidating, you know? Because, when you look at people, and talk to them, you... you really interact with them, you're not just, looking, or talking, all of your attention is on them, on how they act, what they say, how they move...."

"You...read people." She finished.

"And that makes you scary." She finished...again.

"So...relief? and...fear. That's what love is?" I asked quietly.

"Don't forget the, you know, happiness, longing, and contentment? I said that right...?" she trailed off speaking the last words almost as a whisper.

"Y...yeah..." I murmured back.

"So," she continued in the same hushed tone, "What so you feel when you look at...me?"

She just stared at me.

I looked at her.

"Not...not that..." I admitted.

She sighed a little.

"Well!," she practically shouted, "that's what dates are for!" she finished, with this chipper little smile.

I sighed.

"Right." Was all I could manage.

"I...I'll be at your place tonight...at 7 maybe?" she asked reproachfully.

"Yeah, I'll...be ready."

"Later...Toby."

"It's Tobi..." I began to correct

"That's just it." She said, cutting in, "It's Tobias, and it's Suzie." she said.

I didn't react. Tobias and Suzie?

"Just think about it." She said, turning to walk away.

---------------------------------

I closed my front door behind me, leaning against it. I sighed. I'd felt so nervous, just walking home. I kept feeling like I was being watched. I wasn't used to such irrational paranoia, except maybe for a few days after every time I watch "The Truman Show".

Then I realised the "The Toby Show" would be incredibly boring. Crap, "Toby". Now even I was saying it!

Thinking it...

Whatever.

I stood for a little while, in the hall. I'd discovered a behaviour in myself that I couldn't explain, so naturally I had to figure it out. Why would I feel paranoid? It had to do with Suzie..

She'd been here, hadn't she. I still had her lacy bra to prove it...

Ah!

How had she known where I lived? Did she follow me? Was she following me now? Did I really have some sort of 'Suzie Sense' I wasn't aware of, alerting me to her presence. Of course not. Just simple paranoia. I still felt like locking the door though. I didn't, because that would have been crazy, but you know what I'm saying.

I sighed again. A growing habit.

---------------------------------

6:32.

Date was at 7.

I felt nervous, and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to think about my life up until this point.

I hadn't always been like this, so plain and analytical, my blank features hiding a calculating mind. I used to be like...normal. I used to play with other kids and watch cartoons and stuff.

I stopped when I was about 11. I used to get bullied. A lot. It didn't seem to matter much. It wasn't really that bad. A few names, a few bruises, I learned to deal with it.

I glanced at the clock.

6:37.

But then, without any real reason, the abuse escalated. A few individuals was suddenly a mob and I was sent to hospital with three broken ribs and my arm in a cast.

But why? Why were these kids picking on me? Because I was smarter? I wasn't exactly the smartest... Because I was smaller? Bigger than some of them...

I already knew why, even then. Because they were better than me. At least, they thought so. and that's all they needed. Some deluded sense of superiority they had, something that forced them to act like this, to prove it to each other. Or maybe they were trying to prove it to themselves...

Something about me made me easy to pick on. I had to find it, fix it. But how? What would make them leave me alone? I did the only thing I could think of . I had to disappear...

Luckily, we moved after that. My parents thought I had fallen down a flight of stairs at school, which is what I stuck to, ignoring the funny looks from the doctor, and comments about "break angles". We had been planning the move for a while, and my ever efficient parents decided to take the opportunity while I was out of school anyway.

Needless to say, I didn't really 'fit in' at my new school. I'd started isolating myself. I stopped talking to the few new friends that I'd made. I ignored everyone, girls and boys. The funny thing was, I'd never regretted it. I just saw it as necessary, to protect myself. My parents used to be worried, but they just learned to accept it. They just saw me as 'socially inept'. I never really felt the need for friendship after that.

But she was starting to show me what I was missing.

Suzie...

"It's Suzie"? I pondered aloud.

And Tobias...What the hell did that mean? Why did she always call me Toby? Was she just messing with my head?

What was she trying to tell me?

I lay there and let all my memories wash away from me. They weren't important now. She was. I still had to figure her out.

It was around this point of my internal monologue that I fell asleep.

And awoke at 7:17 with my big brother looming over me.

"You sneaky bastard." he said smiling.

I'm not the most of coherent of individuals right after waking up, so my response was along the lines of: "Hnugh?"

He sat down, still smirking,

"Don't give me that, you know what I mean."

"Wha...what?" I stuttered through a yawn.

"I'm talking about that hot piece of ass you've got downstairs. Just how many more like her have you got hidden away? Hm?" He asked raising an eyebrow.

I had a strange, sudden feeling of both understanding and panic, which I hid rather convincingly with a small cough.

"Ah, that would be Suzie then." I stated calmly.

"Yes, she did say... How long have you two been...?" He raised that irritating eyebrow again.

"Shut up."

I glanced at the clock.

7:18.

"How rude," I stated, "I'm late for our...rendezvous..."

"Ah, is that what you kids are calling it these days?" he said, winking this time.

"God, you are such a child." I said standing up.

Walking into the bathroom, I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. Apart from a minor case of bed-head, I looked pretty much the same. I walked back out, straightening my hair. My brother had a strangely serious look on his face.

"Seriously bro, is this a common thing? Are you actually just an incredible actor, and not...well -"

"Me?" I interrupted.

"Yeah..." he said, laughing a little.

"Look, I barely even know her, she's just like...really clingy. She guilted me into a date."

"You know, I don't think I've ever seen you lie before. Not since the whole 'stairs incident' anyway. You're really bad at it." he said, still smiling a little.

He was worried. About me, and about her. She was concerned about her going out with a guy like me, i.e. "broken" in his own words, but mostly he was wondering what she was after, and if I was stupid enough to give it to her. What it was, however, I was unsure about. My heart, my sex, my hand in marriage? These are usually concerns about a younger sister, I was painfully aware. He saw me as fragile. Not physically fragile, as a few years of sparring will have shown him, but emotionally.