Absence of Thought

This may seem far too accurate for a few seconds of surface analysing, but my brother always let his emotions show. He wasn't the only 'bad liar'.

"I'm not gonna do anything stupid, Jeb, all right? It's just a date." I said.

"I don't know man, she seems...different..." he said uncertainly.

Oddly perceptive of him. He wasn't exactly known for his intelligence.

"Right, different from all the other girls I've dated?"

"Right..." he chuckled

I was on my way out. I felt strangely panicked at the idea of her and my parents talking.

"Hey, why does she call you Toby?" he said as I was walking out.

"That's...a very good question."

I felt nervous walking downstairs. I was never nervous in front of my parents. Was I always like this with her, or was it just the situation that was bothering me?

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"Ah! Tobias sweetheart, there you are! How funny, we were just talking about you..."

Hilarious.

I didn't really know what I expected to see, but I was still a little surprised.

She was just sitting there, completely naturally. I had inadvertently forced her into "meeting the parents" on our first date, so I was expecting a little bit of nervousness, at least.

She looked so confident. She looked like...like she belonged there. In my living room with my family. It was eerie. I mentally shook myself. It was just confidence, that's all.

She was sitting beside my mother on the sofa, her body positioned towards her, and me since I entered on that side. The TV was off.

They'd been talking.

Well, my mother would have been. Grilling her for information about her "intentions", with thinly veiled threats and even more thinly covered insinuations that she was a common whore.

At least, that's what it had been like with most of the girls my brother had been with until now. The ones she knew about anyway...

But she was actually smiling, not disguising any hostility. And Suzie was smiling too. They seemed very...comfortable. Very relaxed.

"Only good things I hope." I eventually replied, rather lamely.

"Oh, well, all kinds of things," interrupted Suzie, sharing a knowing look with my mother.

I glanced at the clock.

Is Suzie was exactly on time, they'd been talking for exactly 20 minutes. They were acting like old friends. I was more than a little weirded out.

"Still," Suzie continued with a smile, "we really should get going."

My mother returned the smile.

"It's been a pleasure meeting you dear."

I could tell, she was completely genuine.

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I didn't really look at her until we were out the door. She was wearing yet another short skirt, black this time, with a dark green sweater. She was just standing there and smiling.

"Hi, bye the way." she said, smirking.

"Yeah hey, where are we going exactly?" I asked quickly.

"I dunno, I figured we would just...go for a walk. Maybe get something to eat...We'll see!" she finished , still smiling.

God, she was always smiling.

Her face was designed for it, it just suited her perfectly. Like smiling was her 'default' expression.

I was thinking about this too much.

I started walking.

She followed.

I'd decided at some point that we were going to the park. It seemed typically date-ish.

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We were walking in silence. Not a good sign, I was sure.

Well, what do I care anyway? I thought.

I didn't want to go on this stupid thing in the first place. Why was I even here?

"Are you OK?" she asked.

I exhaled loudly. I was far too nervous.

"Yeah..."

"So, where are we going?"

"The park."

"Oh..."

There was no one around. It was October, so it was already getting dark. Just the two of us...

Why had she talked to my mom? I mean, as if this wasn't awkward enough...

And my brother new too, which meant soon everyone would know. Did I care? I'd gone years not caring, why suddenly now was I nervous about what people would think.

My thought process was interrupted when I felt a small, smooth hand reach into my jacket pocket.

"Whoa, ah..." I stuttered.

I jerked my hand out, reflexively. I looked at her. She didn't say anything, she just looked embarrassed and let her hand drop.

No, hand holding was normal, expected. Especially since we'd already "made out" technically...

I tried to inconspicuously slip my hand into hers, but it was kind of hard for her not to notice. She immediately closed her fingers around mine, and squeezed slightly. I didn't make eye contact.

Her hand was warm, and soft. Her nails were short, and as I had noticed before, not colored. I decided I liked that.

I couldn't think of anything to say. We just walked hand-in-hand for a few minutes. When I finally got up the courage to glance at her, she was smiling. And staring at me.

"This is stupid." she said.

Before I could infer anything, she continued.

"Tell me what you're feeling. I'm happy that you held my hand. I'mveryglad that your mom likes me. I'm ecstatic that you decided to come out here with me. What about you?"

"I..."

I couldn't think of anything to say.

I looked down.

She sighed.

"Tell me about your family. Your brother seems nice."

"Yeah, he's...great."

"And your sister, her too..."

"Yeah."

Dammit, say something interesting! Why couldn't I think!?

"So...is Jeb short for something?"

"Yeah...Jebediah. And Beth's name is actually Bethesda."

"Wow, your parents went all old testament on your asses, didn't they." she laughed.

"Yeah," I laughed along.

"I'm really glad..." I started suddenly, "that you asked me out."

She just watched me, her smile growing.

"I think you're...pretty."

"Pretty?" she asked mockingly.

"Pretty...hot?" I corrected.

"Better," she said laughing again, "but there's still room for improvement.

"Let's go." I said suddenly changing direction.

"To where?"

"Movies." I started walking faster.

"Why?"

"I don't know. I'm not really thinking. The movies is where you go on a date. Right?"

I started jogging.

She held tighter to my hand and ran to keep up.

"I...guess so. Any reason why we're running?" she asked laughing slightly.

"Last good movie's at 7:40. We have to run to make it." I started sprinting.

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We arrived out of breath and laughing, with 2 minutes to spare.

"This is the only good movie?" she asked giggling.

"Shut up, I love this movie."

It was a PG 13 Rom/Com. And I did like it. I took up media studies for a while, a passing hobby, so I could appreciate all the little camera angle tricks and effects that went into it. It was also well written, and it was rare for both those things to happen in one movie.

I didn't tell her this though, she just smirked a little at my choice.

She ordered a medium diet coke. I ordered a large, regular. If that isn't too much of a contradiction.

She didn't ask for candy, which was good. I was honestly too nervous to eat.

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After about 3 minutes of witty plot building, we were making out.

I barely remember how it started, I just remember the warm, wet feeling of her mouth, her tongue pushing into mine, and us both giggling when one of us stopped for a drink.

She was intoxicating. Her smell, her softness, her tiny little moans that only I could hear, each one like a little secret.

We missed 2 hours of quite exceptional film, and made our way to some random coffee place I'd never heard of.

We didn't talk much. I wasn't expecting that. She seemed very intelligent, I figured we would have a lot to talk about. But we just kissed, and held hands and laughed.

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It was 11:45. We has finished our coffee, and we were just slowly walking back towards my house, holding hands.

We chatted. Nothing serious. Music, books, the movie she'd made me miss.

"So it was really that good, huh?" she asked a little sceptically.

"Yes! Well, definitely the only movie of that genre I've ever enjoyed."

"You seem like you know a lot about it. I kind of wish I'd gotten to see it now..."

"I don't." I said simply.

There was a silence. Not exactly awkward, but heavy.

I found myself waiting impatiently for every next street light we would pass, so I'd be able to see her face properly, perfectly lit for even just a brief moment.

I thought hard. Something had been annoying me...

Oh yeah...

"Hey, how did you know where I lived?"

"Oh..."

She blushed and looked away.

"Oh? Something I shouldn't know?" I joked.

"No, I just...I asked some friends where...your brother lived..." she said, laughing a little.

"Huh...weird."

"Why is that weird?"

"I was expecting something much more disturbing." I laughed.

It all felt so comfortable, so easy.

We were holding hands, swinging our arms lightly. I couldn't think. I didn't want to. I could only feel the heat from her hand, her body beside mine. I remembered the feel of her tongue on my lips. Every time I saw her smile, it shattered my thoughts. It was like a thoughtless, numbing, wonderful dream.

Then we were home. At my home, I mean. I hadn't really realised that's where we would end up. I wasn't sure what to do next...

Did I ask her in? Say goodnight? I wanted to kiss her again...

I shook my head, trying to gather my thoughts, as we stood at the bottom of my garden.

She suddenly started forward, with a smirk, leading me inside...

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The house was silent. She led me into the kitchen, flicking on the light as we entered. I thought about warning her about the noise. Everyone would be asleep...

She pulled me close to her, bringing our lips together again.

Suddenly, I could barely remember where I was. I was entranced again, feeling nothing but the dancing of our tongues.

She pulled away slowly, gazing into my eyes.

"Toby..." she almost whispered, "I need to ask you something."

"What?" I asked almost silently.

"When you...when you watched me..." she started.

I could hear the doubt in her voice.

"When you...rejected me... what were you thinking about?"

When I watched her? Rejected...

I thought for a second, trying to get my head to do what I told it...

Ah yes. My little 'screening process'.

I smiled. Her eyebrows lifted in confusion.

"I watched you for...how long?"

"I... I think about a day...?"

"Yeah. You noticed?". She hadn't given any signs...

"Oh, I was way into you by then-" she stopped, a little embarrassed.

That was about 5 months ago...

I pulled my hands from their comfortable position on her hips and brought them up to her face, sliding my fingers behind her head.

"The reason I 'rejected' you..." I smiled again, "is that I thought you were just..."

I let the end wait, moving forward and whispering in her ear.

"...too shallow."

She smiled, a tear sliding down her cheek. I wiped it with my thumb, and pulled her head in to a small, sweet kiss.

She pulled away from me, wiping her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I was just dreading that question..." she admitted, still smiling.

I can't believe I actually once thought that.

"So..." she started, suddenly smirking again, "shall we...move this conversation upstairs?"

I froze.

"I...I don't know..."

I honestly didn't. What the hell was wrong with me?

"What? But..." she looked down.

"Look, I just... I don't know, OK?"

"Don't know what?" she whispered.

"I guess... whether or not I...".

I couldn't finish.

"Love me?" she choked out.

There were more tears.

"Look Suzie-"

"How can you not... Does it even matter? I mean-"

"Suzie listen to me-"

"No!" she was getting louder, "You know what? I'm sick of this! This...not knowing, this insecurity. What the hell is this to you? Just...just go to hell!" she shouted, fury in her voice.

"Suzie please!"

"AND STOP CALLING ME SUZIE!" she practically screamed.

"My name..." she whispered, "is Susanna."

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Susanna.

Her name was Susanna.

Not Suzie.

Not...

But-

Suddenly my brain came back to life. I could feel the rushing of my thoughts as it all slid into place.

Everyone called her Suzie. Her friends, her teachers, probably her family.

Why did it suddenly piss her off?

Because she called me Toby.

Since the first time we spoke, it's all she'd called me. My full name was awkward, yes, but so were my brother's and sister's. The difference was, they shortened theirs, they used nicknames to make things easier. I didn't, because I didn't want things to be easier, I didn't want people to get familiar with me.

But 'Suzie' did. Because before this, at school, with her friends, she'd been pretending.

Maybe she was an outcast too, maybe she just didn't want the jealousy of her intelligence to stop her getting friends. Maybe she didn't even have a reason, but whatever the case, she been acting. Low test scores? Shallow, arrogant friends? That wasn't her, not really.

That was Suzie.

And who she was, who she really was, was Susanna.

So who did that make me?

I looked in to her eyes, and I knew I was right. I could see the shame, the fear. We stood silently for a few seconds, her heavy breathing filling the room. She was blushing, and angry.

If I didn't understand this now, could anyone?

I felt a rush of emotion. Of every emotion, and none in particular. Like fire it rushed through me, every repressed anger, every forgotten joy, it all spilled back into me, like new life.

I saw her again, like I should have always seen her. She was beautiful, and amazing, and just exactly what I needed.

And so I kissed her.

I forced my tongue through her lips, and pulled her close to me.

She responded, moaning into me, wrapping her arms around me and squeezing hard.

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This time I led her. Up the stairs, into my room.

She closed the door behind her and kissed me again.

I slipped my hands beneath the hem of her green sweater and pulled it up. She stood back to let me undress her. I pulled up, over her heavy chest, up over her head and arms.

She was naked beneath her top, and her nipples were already hard with arousal.

I moaned deeply, so aroused by the knowledge that she had been wearing no bra this entire time.

Once I released her arms, she attacked me, clawing at my shirt like the first time she'd been in my room. She literally ripped it from me, buttons popping in random directions, and I let it slide down off me.

She ran her hands over my athletically toned torso and pushed me towards to bed. I fell back, and she straddled my waist. I pushed her off and rolled on top of her, pinning her arms above her head.

We kissed slowly, deeply, and she moaned my name as I pulled away...

"Toby..."

My real name, it seemed.

"Susanna..." I responded, vocalising my desire.

I reached down and slowly pulled down her short skirt and panties, the smell of her lust filling the room. For a long time, I just stared at her. Her nakedness, her vulnerability. I felt a small victory at finally uncovering her, the real her, which was quickly forgotten, driven away be the feel of her released hand sliding up my leg.

She felt my hardness through my jeans, slowly feeling along my length. I leaned back and she sat up slightly, both hands working at my button and fly. There was a franticness in her movements, and sense of rush, barely concealed behind a mask of calm.

She finally undid my pants, and hastily jerked them down to my knees with my boxers, freeing my manhood in one swift movement. She gasped as it sprang up, running her fingers lightly along its length, feeling its girth.

She crawled out from under me as I finished undressing, but she didn't stop touching me. My face, my neck, my stomach, there was always contact between us, the heat of our bodies multiplying.

She lay down slowly, pulling me with her, wrapping her legs around me. I felt the bottom of my shaft push up against her moist heat, as we both shuddered at the feeling.

"Toby..."

What was first an annoying nickname now became the most sexual sound on earth, when moaned through her lips.

"Susanna..."

I identified her, showed her that I knew who she was, who I loved.

I slid my body down bringing my tip to her sweet, moist, lower lips. I looked into her eyes, those ocean blue eyes. She bit her lip as one more tear slid down her cheek.

I pushed myself in, thrusting my whole length slowly, but unceasingly, into her. She moaned and gasped as I buried myself within her, feeling the softness and warmth of her body.

She suddenly pulled me down, burying her face into the curve of my neck, and groaned her pleasure as her body shook and trembled.

Her heat spilled over on to the sheets, and the folds of her centre pulsed and spasmed.

I pulled away from her, backing my hips until just my head remained, then thrust into her again, quickly and roughly.

She groaned again, gasping, biting her lip to try and hold back her screams.

I couldn't get enough of this, this feeling, this view. I thrust in again and again and again, growing in speed and ferocity.

Each need-filled lunge caused her beautiful tits to shake and bounce on her body, filling my mind with even more desire. I impulsively licked the base of her neck, travelling down to one erect nipple, sucking on it and nibbling lightly. Her moaning intensified, as her body was racked with tremors again. Her fingers pressed hard against my neck, allowing me to feel the strength of her pleasure.

This wasn't the slow, tender love-making I'd imagined. This was passionate, and animalistic.

Now my groans echoed hers, and as her whole body pulsed and shook, I felt my limit approaching.

But she was still holding back. That wasn't good enough. I wanted to hear her scream.

I suddenly stopped my almost violent thrusts, and slowly, achingly, filled her to the base. I put my mouth against her ear, and hers to mine. As I reached down to where we were joined, I pushed against her most sensitive spot and whispered,

"Scream for me, Susanna."

And scream she did. In her orgasmic throws, she screamed nothing but my name, over and over. Her movements, and the sound of my new identity being screamed in such an erotic way, caused me to spill my seed into her, moaning her name in return.

The ecstasy I felt at my release made my head spin and my knees shake, and I couldn't stop myself falling on to her, completely spent.

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We lay in silence, save for our exhausted panting, and her occasional moan of orgasmic aftershock, each time causing her to squeeze her body around my slowly deflating shaft.

After a time, I rolled off of her, and as I did, she pulled herself on to me, resting her head on my chest.

I ran my fingers slowly through her hair, and she reached up and did the same to me.

There was really no need to talk.

If she didn't know that I loved her by now, then I doubt she ever would.

She knew it. We didn't have to say it.

All she did was quietly whisper,

"Good night, Toby."

Her voice sounded so small and cute, compared to her uninhibited display before. I couldn't help but smile to myself, and wonder what life would be like from now on, as Toby.

But instead of thinking, I just reached over and turned out my lamp, whispering,

"Goodnight, Susanna."