All Comments on 'Adventures in Montreal'

I really enjoyed this story and hope there's a sequal. I'm being he could get Danielle to have a threesome with the receptionist, Amy. Don't listen to these other guys. This story is HOT.

Yeah, going ass to puss is bad. What idiot would send a 24 yo male to chaperones 2 18 yo girls who were planning to drink heavily, had little experience w alcohol, n then put them sharing the same room? Lighten up guys, a lot of stories here involve seriously unlikely events. What counts is the writing and the cum factor. This story has plenty of that.

My constructive comments would b about some proofing, as there r several places where you used to instead of too, and of instead of off. Those a spell checker will miss; they r minor! Do I think ur inexperienced cuz would go straight for anal? Hell, no. Did I get hard reading it? Hell, yeah!

I gave it a 5 just to balance some over critical perfectionist s.. write a sequel!!

Three thoughts. Everyone from the previous generation knows that the sweet Mary Ann was a better catch than Ginger. Look it up. Second, ditto on the A2P, that is trouble. Third, very abrupt ending, at least title the piece "chapter 1".

1. Good story, provided the reader can suspend disbelief (like a 24-yr-old as chaperone to two sexually-hyperactive 18-yr-olds in one hotel room for a week). That fantasy element is the case with most stories on here, and it's OK. Good pacing, good descriptive writing.

2. I'm not one to nitpick errors, but you had one that really made me laugh. The girl (I forget which one) fastened her legs around Adam and "held him in a vice grip." What you meant was "vise grip"---as in a vise on a workbench. A very tight grip. "Vice" is a term referring to evil or wicked behavior; depravity; as in "molesting children is a terrible vice.". But as I thought about it, "vice" kinda works too, since they were engaged in incestuous fornication. (An old-fashioned term for fucking a close relative.) ;-)

Holy Shit! This was fucking hot! I loved it and my cock stayed hard the whole time I was reading it. If there's more I hope the girls get to give him a sexy prostate exam and use a strapon on his ass.

Go finish “competition day”

You needed to label this as Chapter 1 I think.... It cuts off very abruptly.

I am looking forward to reading the rest of this!!!!!!

vice

vʌɪs/Submit

noun

noun: vise

a metal tool with movable jaws which are used to hold an object firmly in place while work is done on it, typically attached to a workbench.

"hold the rail in the vice"

Your comment above doesn't know English very well!!!! Vice like grip is bang on.

enough errors to write another separate story.

Great story...very arousing...and nice and long... I came three times reading it. Ended kinda abruptly tho...hope that means there's more to come. We're not even halfway thru the week in Montreal. I wanna know how his day with Maria goes. I'm hoping something happens with him and the flirty receptionist that got him the extra room too. I hope he eventually does a 3-some with both sisters. Maybe after hooking up with the receptionist alone she eventually gets included in a finale' with the sisters for a great 4-way...

One of the hottest stories I've read here in a long time. Hope there's more coming!

You need to write a chapter two.

...massively overwritten?!!!

and the rest of the story (I am going to finish it, but page two was the point at which I physically could not continue without commenting on the problem...) would have the dialogue incorporated into the natural flow of events...I was incorrect. *rubs bridge of nose, sighs* You clearly have skill, but reading the action, then suddenly seeing a character's name with a colon next to it, followed by that characters dialogue...it's jarring, to say the least. Like a bucket of ice water to the face, in a way. The story is flowing, I'm getting immersed, then *bam* the characters are talking and it's like reading a screenplay. No more immersion. Please work on incorporating your characters' dialogue *into* the story, so that it becomes a natural part of the narrative flow, rather than an abrupt departure from that flow. I'm not going to rate this story until I've finished, so don't think I'm just justifying giving you a low score or something, okay? I'm just telling you about something that is really making me struggle to enjoy this tale. Constructive criticism, I suppose you might call it. I'll leave another comment after I've finished and rated the story, though it probably won't be this long. Thanks.

-Anubelore :-)

and I keep my word. Five stars, absolutely. The dialogue was a bother, but the story managed to make me forget it, essentially. I'll be honest and say, if Literotica had a different rating system, I might have voted a four instead, but I know a four is essentially as bad as a one with Literotica's ranking/rating system, and I liked the story well enough that I just couldn't do that to you. Fine work.

An example of where you wove dialogue into the flow of the narrative is this section here: "Maria started to shift into me more as I continued to massage and squeeze her breasts. She gently moaned out, "Mmmm, that feels good. I haven't been touched like that in a long time." I whispered into her ear, "Yeah baby, you need this as bad as I do?" "Yeah almost as bad as you do. Don't stop doing what you're doing."..."

"She moaned out..." perfect! No 'name, colon, dialogue' stuff, just natural interaction. I noticed that you managed it several times in sex scenes, perhaps because it felt more awkward for you to separate the dialogue in those sequences. Anyway, great job, I enjoyed it. Keep it up! (A sequel seems called for, really)

-Anubelore :-)

Just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to give me some feedback, and those who even came to my defense on a couple things. I agree with the first comment or that going ass to vagina in really life is not a good a idea, but this is fantasy where rules of disease don’t have to apply :)

Also thank you on the dialogue feedback, that’s been one of my biggest challenges is finding the best way to incorporate conversation into these things.

I know it’s nitpicking but if you are going to base a story in a city you do not know learn about it. Such things as ESPN is not available in Canada so your characters can’t watch it on tv. Tourists would not ride the train system in Montreal, it only goes to the burbs. They would ride the metro aka subway. But it obviously not called the train station as signs everywhere say metro station. And every tourist realizes this quickly. I can go on for awhile but it helps a story if you know the city and can make it sound real.

And poor Maria?... More!

Story was going well.......stopped at day 2 though. please finish

A really great story ... I loved the pace of it with all the dialog ... definitely want to read the rest of the story! ... and more about the Maria side of the story ... 😛

One of the best. Please finish. You've got the rest of the week to write about.

It's been over 6 months since you published this - please don't let this be yet another unfinished story.............

Rapier

Left us hanging.. Need Part II..

Will there be a second part forthcoming?

I loved this story. The story continues fluently, the end is a little bit abrupt. Though I hope to read a next chapter once in a time how it goes with Maria. I love the story line of Maria or where it can go.