All Comments on 'After Party Threesome Ch. 01'

I wanted to read this, but your lack of indentation just made it look like a wall of text and my eyes glazed over.

I agree with Anonymous above. It would've been a great story, except it looked like it need to be split up into more paragraphs. Try putting only 5-7 lines in each paragraph, or paragraph it when something different happens. That way you'll make an average read into a great read! Just some friendly advice.

I think that the outline of your story is good, but it can use some more detail. For example: what kind of party did you get to; what made Jackie drink a little too much? Easy observations: Do the girls have long hair? How much and what color hair on their pussies? How do they act during their orgasms and maybe the hardest question of all: How does Vinny feel about it all.

The characters as they are are very shallow and flat. Any Asian girl could substitute for Ashley and it would not change the story. Take some time fleshing out the characters when you write Chapter 02. Run it by one of the volunteer editors. And some real life advice: women like foreplay... endless foreplay ;·)

MWe were sitn on our sofa watchn tv tonight when suddenly someone knocked at the door. Both Beth & I turned to see a lady standing there soaked from the rain

Beth got up to open the door , it was our neighbor Lisa. Her car had quit below our hpuse , and she ask if we could give her a ride home, her bf is workn 3rd shift. TWO JOINTS LATER & were havin a 3some . Want some pics ?8 cbe