After Tom

I was a slow developer, but by the time I was 14, it was my turn. He gave me the coke and I liked it at first. It gave me a buzz, relieved the boredom of a crappy school. I wasn't so keen when he tried to get into my knickers. I kept him out by threatening to report him. He wasn't sure if he could get away with denying a second complaint, so that held him at bay for a while. To be honest I didn't want to take the risk of reporting him. Julie ended up being sent off to a care home about 100 miles away, losing contact with all her friends.

Then I met Sam and Tom. Tom was first. He came to school as a mentor for what they called 'troubled' boys – a euphemism for the ones the teachers couldn't control. Tom was brilliant. He was endlessly patient, kind and tolerant. At first they thought he was a soft touch and played him up, but they soon realised he wasn't quite so soft hearted as he looked. He was never shocked by anything they said but he was true to his word and never broke a confidence. He was always there with help, advice and support. He arranged job placements, persuaded employers to keep on kids where others had failed utterly and ever so slowly he won them round.

Later in the year Sam came along. She first came to give a careers talk about working in horticulture, but she started doing the same sort of mentoring as Tom had for the girls. She was so cool with her punk haircut, it was dyed red then. She had her own unique style of dressing and didn't take any nonsense from anyone – teachers, or kids. She got results though and like Tom began to turn round the kids she worked with. I was looking to get away from Ken – I didn't know how long I could keep him at bay. When I told Sam what he was doing I thought she was ready to go out and castrate him on the spot. She was the first person I had ever told.

She wanted me to report what was happening, but she understood why I was reluctant to take the risk. She pointed out though that it wasn't just me. Karen had younger kids coming up to puberty and they were equally at risk. Eventually she suggested I go and work at the nursery and move in with her and Tom. That would get me out of harms way while we worked out what to do next. I don't know how she did it, but she persuaded the social workers and Karen to let me move. I think a large part of it was the success she and Tom were having in the school and the significant part the two of them had played in turning the school around. It wasn't exactly a grammar school, but at least you didn't go in fear of being beaten up anymore.

She was as good as her word. Away from Karen, she took me under her wing, taught me the basic maths and reading skills I had missed out on and brought me into the business helping her to pack orders and doing some basic tasks in the nursery like weeding and watering. To my amazement I loved it. I had seen it just as a device to get away, but here at last was something that grabbed my attention.

After about a year, I saw Karen with the latest child in her care. She was about 13 and just Ken's taste. I went straight back to Sam and told her I wanted to formally complain about Ken. She was brilliant. It turned out that the latest girl had also made a formal complaint about him touching her and the two complaints coming in together triggered an investigation. He got 15 years but they should have topped him!

That was almost 20 years ago. Since then I've qualified in horticulture and in business and I own a share of the business. I love her to bits and I loved Tom too. She and Tom were the only parents I ever had. I was happy to accept them as parents but to be honest if they had wanted me in their bed I would have been just as happy. I knew how physical their marriage was – that must have been obvious to anyone living within half a mile of the house, never mind living in it with them. Sam in particular was very loud when she came, which seemed like every day and she simply didn't care how many other people knew she was having a good time. To both of them physical love was a part of life; to be cherished not hidden away.

When I was about 22 I plucked up the courage to tell her how I felt about her and Tom. They knew I was grateful of course, I'd told them that often enough, but until then never how willing I was to show my gratitude. Karen laughed then kissed me on the forehead.

"My beautiful girl, you will never know how it moves me to hear you say that, how much it means to know you trust Tom and I so much. But I couldn't do it. I love you very deeply, but not like that. I won't keep Tom out of your bed though if he wants to accept your love in that way. But I don't think he would be my Tom if he did."

She was right of course. It took me a month to summon up the nerve to approach him. When I did he was obviously as touched as Sam had been. He took my hands in his then said almost exactly the same as Sam had. I accused her later of warning him first, but she denied it and I believe her. Tom was a wonderful beautiful man and I miss him almost as much as Sam does. I still wish he had taken me to his bed at least once though.

Sam and Tom may have turned me down, but I haven't been without company over the years of course. I discovered I loved the company of men and although I made some mistakes, with support from Sam most of the men in my life have been good. None matched Tom of course but not many ever could. Once I was legally adult, they placed no restrictions on me other than to tell them before I brought anyone into the house they didn't already know. Lying in a lover's arms of a morning I loved to see their faces when Sam went off on a particularly loud or extended orgasm. Some were a little intimidated, others thought they were in some sort of competition, which usually worked to my benefit, but eventually most of my friends simply accepted the noises-off as a part of staying over. Later I moved out to my own flat, still on the nursery site but I was otherwise independent for the first time in my life. I loved it, but most days the three of us still shared the evening meal in their huge kitchen.

When Tom became ill about six years ago, Sam was at a loss for the first time ever. She seemed unable to handle the idea that her beloved man was going to leave her. With him of course she was her usual breezy confident self, but away from him she sometimes fell to pieces, weeping in my arms. Being Sam of course her inner strength won through and she pulled herself together. As his illness progressed, she began to spend more and more time with him, leaving the day to day operation of the business to me. With her agreement I took on a new me – a cheerful pretty 17 year old girl from the village who came in at weekends to pack orders, water and weed. She adored Sam just as I did.

It was dreadful watching Tom fade away and it must have been almost literally hell for Sam. They had been together night and day for almost 40 years and now that partnership was about to be dissolved. I just couldn't imagine life without Tom in the house. It was hard enough waking up to silence already since Tom was too weak for their daily lovemaking. She wept as she told me how she took him in her arms every morning so that when he woke he knew straight away she was there for him.

Finally the day came. Tom woke in her arms as usual, looked up at her and simply said "My love" then closed his eyes again. There can't be many better ways to go than like that I suppose. After the doctor and the undertaker had all been and we were alone again, Karen went down to the nursery on her own. It was always her business not Tom's although he held 25% but he knew it meant so much to her. There was a small meadow where the two of them used to go on sunny afternoons from time to time and I would smile to myself as the familiar sounds came drifting across on the wind. Now she was going to say her goodbyes.

After about half an hour she came back, red eyed but otherwise composed. She pulled a bottle of wine from the rack and grabbed a couple of glasses. "Lets celebrate life" she said, "not death." We spent the rest of the day remembering Tom, weeping laughing and drinking by turns. By the evening we had polished off most of a second bottle but we both felt sober. We sat on the big sofa, arms wrapped around each other dozing in front of the fire.

"I can't sleep alone tonight, Jill. Will you stay with me?"

"Of course – I'll stay here as long as you need me."

That's how it was for the next couple of weeks until Sam sent me back to my own flat

Obviously life didn't return to normal. There was a huge Tom shaped hole in both our lives, but those lives went on. Sam threw herself in to the nursery business, we took on more land, put up more poly tunnels and started growing the operation. I started studying garden design so that we could offer a complete service to our customers. Sharon the Saturday girl came to work for us full time and we started her on the same pattern of study that I had gone through.

"When I'm gone" said Sam, "you will need support the way you've helped me."

She wasn't brooding about the future when she talked like that, this was her business mind talking. Even so, I knew she was lonely. I wasn't entirely surprised when one Sunday morning there was a man at the breakfast table. She introduced me to him as 'her almost daughter', which made me tear up. He never came back though and she confided afterwards that the sex had been a disaster. As far as I know that's been it since Tom died. It must be getting to her, because sex was such an important part of her life. I assume she masturbates, who doesn't, but it isn't the same as having someone else in your bed.

So now this David Poole has turned up. I saw how she reacted to his overtures and I was pleased, if a little jealous because he is a gorgeous man, but she deserves a break. I really hope she lets him get through the shell she's built up over the past five years.