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We dressed and make our way into her living room. It is now almost midnight. I reach out to her and bring her close to me. We kiss and I tell her that she truly has made my fantasy come to life today and hope we can relive this often.
"John you are welcome in home, but more importantly in my bed anytime. Do you mind if I call from time to time?"
"You can call me any time."
We exchange numbers and give each other a big hug and a very long kiss. I head off to my truck walking on cloud nine. I can't believe what had just happened.
My head was swimming. I just had sex with a 78 year old woman. I slept like a rock the rest of the night . I wake up to the phone ringing...
- COMMENTS
thecarolinadreamerabout 10 years agoDon't get insulted by the help comments of the others that actually suggest what you did wrong. With them, like with what I'm about to say, apply what you think will help. After all, our advice is worth exactly what it cost you.
First things first; you have a great story. Someone like "alwayswantedto" could do a slight rewrite and turn it from a 1/2/or3 (judging by the comments) to a solid 5. The ability to conceive a good tale is God given. While such talent can be improved, the seed must be there at the start. You, my friend, have the gift. Everything else can be learned.
My advice: 1st, study as many of the writer's helps posted on Literotica as you can. Don't just read, apply their points to Agnus. 2nd, before you submit any story read it aloud. I did this with Agnus and it was painful to get through, but it shows the need for punctuation such as commas, periods, and question marks.
Some points to remember: Dialogue is the life blood of a story. Use it, but plainly mark it.(Ex. from Agnus: "John, you are all worked up again." She takes it in her hand and stroking it, she asks, "Did I do this to you?" Every time a new person starts to speak, begin a new paragraph. You must decide which tense to write in and stick with it. Don't mix past with present and I find it much easier to write and read in the past tense. You wrote mostly in present tense but slipped into past enough to shock the reader out of the story. When studying the helps, pay attention to dialogue tags. Someone has already suggested making use of spell check. I just got word 2010 since my last story and I think its spell an grammar checker is better than my old one, but if you have any of the M/S products, they will work.
This along with the other comments should give you enough to greatly improve Agnus. I gave you a 3 solely on the strength of your plot. I look forward to reading the next story and hope to feel compelled to give it a 5. Good Luck!
patrickt1937about 10 years agoI still enjoyed it. I've been looking for a story that might present a younger man's sexual escapades as he works his way through the willing participants at a senior citizens apartment complex or a nursing home.
Now having said that, you really must make sure you run a spell check before posting your next installment and I'd also advise coming back to your finished product with a fresh set of eyes to catch obvious grammatical and sentence structure errors. Also, based on your usage of words like "cheeky" and "love" (to refer to a sexual partner), I would guess you are British. So also be careful if you set your characters in a country other than Great Britain. I can assure you, no American would ever use those words.
In the end, this was still a very hot story and I hope we can see future chapters as John provides much needed sexual relief to other residents of the apartment complex. In fact, I'm hoping we'll discover that Agnus has a 90+ year old friend that could use a vist from John.
2wayabout 10 years agoI understand that the way you write is probably the way you speak. There's nothing wrong with the way you speak; it's easy and conversational and most likely works very well when you are writing dialog.
But there is a difference between the way a person speaks and the way that writers create descriptive writing. You could try reading more to find out how to do that. Take a few tips from established writers, ones who you enjoy reading yourself.
If there are no writers that you enjoy reading, then you're betting on a loser right from the get-go. Stephen King? Pick the kind of thing you like to read, and read some more of the same. Then sit down and use what you have learned about writing to write this story again.
I think that, sooner or later, you'll find that the kinds of comments that some have written about this story become much less critical of your writing.
Anonymousabout 10 years agoI'm afraid you lost me at the start when you told the reader that you didn't like wearing pieces of furniture (suites!). Put me off reading further...
Anonymousabout 10 years agoGAWD, you must work on an oil rig because the written word is not your forte,,,damn man,,,did you even read this crap story before you submitted? Trust me , I scrolled to the bottom after the first half to leave you a "bullshit" comment
