All Comments on 'All Mine Ch. 02: Killing Her Softly'

I was so into that when, guess what..........

ONLY ONE EFFING PAGE, why, why, why???????

Great story, keep going,

Accidentally put "cat" in the tags. Cats have nothing to do with this story.

can't wait for the next chapter, but could you please make it more than 1 page at a time

Can't wait for more cause it is making me wet! I think everyone needs a little domination in there life now and then!

Unfortunately, I've got to agree with the Anonymoi. I saw your post to the forums and I thought to myself that, hey, this sounds like it's right up my street. Redheads *and* lesbian domination? Yes, please. Naturally, I scuttled on over to have a look and write something substative. But, being evidently unfinished and a work-in-progress, how can I write a cogent review? What can I possibly say about how you develop the characters or direct the plot? I'm a firm believer in the principle of the benefit of the doubt—if there *were* problems, I would want to hold off on pointing them out and hope that they're all part of a grand plan that will be revealed later.

That's why piecemeal serialisations are hard to review. I also hold that they're not good for readers—what happens if you get hit by a bus tomorrow, or just get bored? 'It's a free site, and the readers get what they pay for'—sure, but readers *do* pay in time spent reading and getting invested in the story, and I think that authors *do* have a responsibility to respect that and to have sympathy for readers by not laying traps in the form of unfinished and unsatisfying series.

(The third reason I'm against putting up parts as you go is that it limits you, the author, too. What if you want to make a major structural change? Or what if you get an *excellent* idea twenty chapters later, but it needs foreshadowing in chapter five? Wouldn't revising the whole thing at once be easier and less likely to end up backing yourself in corners? I write this parenthetically because, in theory, if you're a clever enough writer, these are all surmountable issues—I am exceedingly stupid and prone to mistakes, so I try to give myself every possible advantage.)

What *can* I say, then? The two parts that are up are a good start.. We've got introductions and a sex scene. You strike a decent balance between showing and telling, your dialogue is fit for purpose, and you're not lacking in the readability department. The fucking's sexy, but it almost feels rushed, like there was some deadline on it, as if you had to get it over and done with inside 2000 words—and I doubt I'm the only reader thinking that the teasing didn't last long enough to make a big impact. I could get out my red pen and point out some style nits, grammatical issues and non-standard punctuation, but they're mostly in the first installment so I guess you've sorted those out yourself.

On the feedback forum you asked for some criticism.

Can't think of much, it's good. But maybe:

- women meeting up at a gym is not very original.

- you keep calling her 'the redhead' which gets a bit repetitive.

- could use a bit more explicit detail of the actual sex?

More please. Thank you in advance.

Ooh nice! One of the few times when No means Yeeesss!!!

So when will we get the rest of the story? 😍