Alone and Desolate

When I got there, the place was as empty as it had been that first night. The same couple occupied the same table and the bartender was still behind his bar, washing and drying glasses. For a minute I thought I had stepped through a time portal and was back to that rainy night. I checked my clothes to make sure I wasn't drenched and had to suppress a laugh when I realized what I was doing.

I walked to the bar and the barman, upon seeing me, said, "Is it raining outside?"

I chuckled when I heard him and replied, "Nope, no rain in sight but I think I'm lost this time."

The bartender was quick to reply, "If you come back one more time you'll be a regular now." I smiled when I heard that witty repartee.

I sat at the bar, in the same seat I had sat before, and asked for a GinBerryNic. The bartender looked at me with a puzzled expression and I knew he didn't know what I was asking about so I told him the breakdown of what it contained. He mixed the ingredients as I was saying them and put the glass in front of me. I took a sip and told him it was perfect.

The silence grew after that and I remembered how sullen the barman had looked before. I didn't know how to ask him if he needed to talk, after all, he didn't know me from Adam and he, being a bartender, was more used to hearing people talk about their problems than the other way around. I didn't want to appear nosy but I felt a certain kinship with him.

I took the indirect route and decided to use him as a sounding board. If he wanted to step in and tell me what was bothering him, fine, but if he didn't, I would get a sympathetic ear to listen to me ramble about my loneliness and no one would be hurt. He didn't know me, didn't know where I lived, didn't know my friends, he didn't even know my name and, if after I talked with him I felt embarrassed, I simply didn't have to come back here.

So, I took the bull by the horns and started telling him about my life. I poured out my heart to him about how much I was missing my husband, how much I loved him and wanted him to be back home, how much his absences were taking their toll on me. I didn't leave a single thing out and by the time I was done I realized that I was crying. I was so ashamed of having made a spectacle of myself that I didn't even wait to see or hear if he had something to say and ran off.

I was mortified. What was wrong with me? How could I have dropped my dirty laundry on his carpet this way? I knew that I'm lonely but, jeez, what next? Getting drunk and telling everyone that I loved them? Now the worst part was that I'd have to go to that bar and apologize to that bartender. I'm pretty sure he was used to people confiding in him but I was NOT! It so wasn't me to open up like that to a perfect stranger. I didn't know what got into me but I knew I had to quickly put an end to it.

Going back to work on Monday was a drag. I simply didn't have the heart to pretend I was all cheery and happy when I was watching my sanity crash around me. Having broken down that way over the weekend. I was sure something was wrong with me and I wasn't sure there was any remedy for it. People at work noticed I wasn't doing so well – I suppose an obvious clue was that, for the first time in god knows how long, my hair was in a ponytail – and they sent Suzie to get the score on what was happening.

Dear Suzie, I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't been there! She's the one who held me together all those months. I wish I had remembered to thank her for the support and friendship she's shown me. Who would have thought, almost a year ago, she could have given me such support huh?

"Hey Joanna, you don't look so hot. Is something wrong?" Hearing Suzie's question reminded me I never told her how unhappy I was the last time we had lunch together.

She looked so genuinely concerned; I didn't have the choice but to open up to her. "Suzie, I made a fool of myself last Saturday and I don't know how to take back what I did."

"What? What have you done? It must not be so bad; you didn't stay long enough at 'Celebs' to do any damage to your reputation and when you left you were still the picture of respectability."

"It didn't happen there! Remember the first time I went with you all and I left early? Well, there was a sudden downpour and I had to take shelter in a little piano bar a few streets away from 'Celebs'. Last night, after leaving, I wasn't ready to go back to my empty house so I went back to that place. I ended up pouring my heart out to the bartender there and now I'm ashamed."

"Slow down, slow down a minute. What do you mean pouring your heart out?"

I sighed, "I told that barman how lonely and miserable I am; how much I miss Jeremy; how much I wish he could just give everything up and stay at home with me." My voice was cracking and I knew the tears were near.

"Oh poor Joanna. How long have you been living with that hurt? Why didn't you talk to me? I told you when we went to lunch together that I could listen. Didn't I prove to you that I wouldn't gossip to anyone?" The concern was even more evident in Suzie's face now. She was seeing the extent of my pain and I was sure it wasn't a pretty sight.

"You don't understand. How can I complain about my husband working when I'm doing the same thing? He's not chasing skirts; he's working! He's not cheating on me, when we're at home together he's most attentive. I have nothing to complain about, nothing but my want to fall asleep in his arms every night; nothing but my selfishness." How could I admit that all I wanted was to spend the rest of my life wrapped in his arms? Even the kids didn't, and never did, see anything wrong with their father being there only a few days every seven to eight weeks.

"You're not complaining, Joanna. There's nothing wrong with you wanting your husband close to you more often. You're talking about being selfish. What's so selfish about loving someone so much you want them close? Now calm down and tell me what you said to that bartender again."

I repeated to Suzie everything I could remember telling the man and that I ended up crying and leaving without knowing what was his reaction. She made me realize I probably hadn't done any damage; after all the man was a barman, he was used to hearing people talk about their problems. It wasn't as if I confessed a crime to him.

I resigned myself to going back there right after work. I wanted it to be over and done with as quickly as possible. I even left earlier, hoping the place would be completely empty and I wouldn't have to face anyone but the bartender. When I got in front of the bar, I knew instantly it was closed. There were no lights inside and no sign that anyone had been there. I looked for a sign stating opening hours and saw the bar was only open Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It looked like I'd have to come back at the end of the week.

I decided to take the rest of the week off and try to put my thoughts in order. There was no point in me looking like a lost soul at work and I could use a few days of rest. Maybe that way when I'd talk to the barkeeper I wouldn't make a bigger fool out of myself and would be able to put the whole episode behind me. The rest of the week passed quickly without a single phone call from anyone, not even Jeremy. I called his mobile on Tuesday night and got the answering service so he must have been in a meeting but I didn't understand why he had not called back yet.

I was a nervous wreck going to the bar on Thursday but hit my nose on the door; It was closed and there was no sign explaining why. So, I decided to go back home and return the next day. Friday evening didn't see me any luckier. I was getting worried and I didn't know why. Going back to my car, I passed the couple that was always at the bar and set out to ask them if they knew what was happening.

"Hi, you probably don't remember me but we've seen each other at the bar over there." I sure hoped they didn't remember me. I didn't want the whole city to know about the spectacle I had made of myself! "I was wondering if you know why the bar hasn't been opened yesterday and tonight. There isn't any sign."

"Oh, you're that lady who was in a rush to leave last week," said the woman holding on to her man as if she was scared someone would steal him from her. "You scared the crap out of me and my man here when you left in a hurry like that. Nathan said you had an emergency." Damn, now not only did I need to apologize to that man but I also had to thank him for preserving what was left of my dignity!

"Yes, something came up and I had to leave. So, do you know why the bar is closed?"

"I thought you knew, Nathan's old man croaked this week. The bar belonged to him, now Nathan's gonna be the boss. He didn't open yesterday and tonight to show respect for his dad but he'll have to open tomorrow, it's his 'biggest' night," she laughed.

I wasn't sure what she meant by Saturday being the bar's biggest night as, both times I had been there, the only people there were her partner and her. I sure hoped, for that man's sake, it meant there would be more people.

I had no choice but to go back home, again, and come back tomorrow. Even allowing for the man's father dying, I was still a bit put-out that I had to come back so often and I resolved to drop the matter if I couldn't talk to him tomorrow. After all, Jeremy was coming home Sunday and, when he left, he had told me he would be home for two weeks, so we'd have plenty of time together compared to what we normally had.

While waiting for the elevator to take me down so I could go to the liquor store next to the hotel, I remembered how my happiness at spending two weeks with Jeremy had been short lived. He had called to say he wasn't coming home the next day; presumably, he couldn't leave the negotiation for five more weeks and when he did come home, he'd only get more clothes and be away for another two months before coming home for a week. It's no excuse but maybe it's the reason why I stayed longer than I intended when I went to apologize all those months ago.

When I got to the bar, the owner – how weird to call him the owner, I only thought he was a bartender – was alone, and I thought how lucky I was to have come early. It would be my chance to apologize to him and I could make a hasty retreat without shaming myself any more. Taking a seat on a barstool, I offered him my condolences and said all the banalities you usually say in such circumstances.

I didn't know how to start to apologize when he said, "I hope your emergency the other week has been taken care of."

I looked at him, not knowing if he was serious or trying to give me an out, saying, "You fully know there wasn't any emergency and I was just too ashamed of my behaviour. I never should have broken down like that. Let me apologize to you."

"Lady, you have nothing to apologize for. In this day and age, where everybody divorces their mate without a second thought, it's good to see a woman so in love with her husband that she misses him; believe me, you don't owe me an apology!" I saw something pass behind his eyes but I wasn't sure what it was - Pain, sadness, wistfulness? I wasn't sure.

I turned around to leave when he said, "Aren't you going to order something to drink? You cannot sit at the bar if you don't drink. There are plenty of customers who would like your seat." The smile in his voice was easy to hear and I thought 'Why not? It's not as if I'm doing something wrong'.

I ordered a glass of wine and asked him where his customers were and what that lady had meant when she'd said that 'Saturday was his biggest night'. He roared with laughter when he heard that and explained, "Well, you see, Thursday and Friday, Gina and Fred – that's the couple – come in and order their usual pitcher, whereas on Saturday they order two. That's my 'big' night!"

I thought I misunderstood. Was he saying that those two were his only clients? I couldn't believe he would keep the bar open with only two clients and I asked him. "I'm not hearing right, am I? You're not saying you only have those two as clients! How can you keep the bar open and manage to make a living?"

"You heard perfectly right. For the past few months the only people coming in, as I told you the first night you came in, are lost, looking for shelter or 'regulars'. Gina and Fred are regulars, as they've been coming in for the past ten years, I think. I keep the bar open as it's been my way of getting out of the house for the past few years. When my dad got sick, and moved in with us so I could take care of him, my wife left me, saying she had married me and not my whole family! Dad has been bedridden for the past five years and he made me promise I'd keep the bar open no matter what.

"As for making a living; Dad is...well was, now I guess it's me...I am the owner of the block of buildings around here. I know that now he's dead, I could close the bar but what would be the point; I've grown to like the place and seeing Gina and Fred reminds me there are still good people out there."

I couldn't believe my ears. The guy was keeping the bar open on a promise! Now that his father was dead, he could close it and live on his money – if what he said was the truth; he had quite a lot – but he had no intention of doing it.

We talked for a while until Gina and Fred arrived. - Funny how I had taken to thinking of them by their names instead of 'the couple' but I still couldn't get myself to call the bartender by his name even if I knew it. – They sat at their usual table and ordered the first pitcher of the evening. They didn't seem fazed to see me already there.

I looked at my watch and saw it was 10:00 PM. I had already been here three hours and judging by their number on the counter, I had drunk three glasses of wine. I paid for my drinks, said goodbye to the bartender, nodded to Gina and Fred and was about to close the door behind me when the barman's voice stopped me.

"You can come back anytime; I'll reserve a stool for you."

So, I started the habit of going there every few weeks when I wasn't feeling like going out with my colleagues. I was one of the 'guys' now and didn't need an invitation anymore. If I heard they were going out and I wanted to go, I'd join them; nobody raised an eyebrow anymore.

The bartender and I formally introduced ourselves eventually and we were now down to Nathan and Joanna. I learned more about his life and he heard more of me complaining how I was missing Jeremy.

Suzie remained my friend and we had taken to going out for lunch once a month. We would talk about work, our lives, and I'd hear about the guys she dated. She would ask me when Jeremy would be home or how long he had been gone. She knew I was missing him dearly and couldn't understand why I didn't give him an ultimatum: stop being away for so long each time or work less. I tried explaining to her it had been that way since we married, but she would tell me it was an even better reason to stop now.

Months went by that way. Gina and Fred were now saying 'hi' when I was showing up at the bar and then they'd go back to their own world. I was envious of them. They didn't seem to have anything, but they had each other - compared to me, who had a nice house, nice car, wonderful job, awesome children, great husband, but I was always alone.

More and more I was telling Nathan how much I was missing Jeremy, how his absences were hard on me and that I couldn't understand him not seeing it. Nathan would say, "Be patient Joanna, I'm sure he loves you so much, he's doing all this to make sure you don't miss anything."

"Yeah, maybe but doesn't he understand that I miss the most important thing in my life: Him. And how about you? You say you haven't dated for 2 years, how come?"

I couldn't understand why Nathan wasn't dating anyone. He had become a good friend and it pained me to see him alone. I knew that his wife leaving him had hurt him greatly but he had so much to give.

I told him I would find him someone to date and he said, "Don't waste your time, Joanna. I'm used to being alone now; no woman would understand why I'm not selling the bar when it's not making me any money."

"Well, I'm a woman; I understand!"

"You know what I mean, not many people would keep something that doesn't make them any money."

He had a point there. Not too many people would understand why he was still keeping the bar and the ones who would, might take advantage of him; taking his loyalty for sentimentality and seeing him as an easy target.

We were both a sorry sight; probably why we had become friends so fast, come to think of it. There wasn't any sexual attraction between us; Nathan was Suzie's male equivalent, it was just a shame Suzie wasn't old enough for him; they'd have made a great couple.

Then, last night happened. I was feeling sorry for myself and missing Jeremy like crazy. He had been gone for three weeks and last night he was supposed to call and he didn't. More and more lately, he would promise to call and not do it, it felt to me like I was getting lower and lower on his list of priorities and I was depressed.

Nathan invited me out for dinner and once again I was doing all the talking while Nathan was listening to me piss and moan about my sorry life. By the time dinner was finished, I was crying and Nathan took me to his place to calm down. It wasn't the first time I had gone there - twice before we had had dinner at his house and then we had watched a movie and he had come to mine as many times.

It didn't calm me down and I was still crying hysterically when Nathan took me in his arms to comfort me. He was making soothing sounds and stroking my hair. I was so drained; I fell asleep in his arms while he was comforting me

When I woke up this morning I was still in Nathan's arms; my clothes all wrinkled, I had a headache and the only thing I wanted was to go home. I was ashamed to be so emotionally deprived to have put myself in a situation like that.

When I got home, the light on the answering machine was flashing but I decided to take a shower before listening to whoever had called. I still was in a bad mood over Jeremy's insensitivities but, at least, I wasn't crying anymore.

The shower energized me and I was now ready to kick myself. What if it hadn't been Nathan? Would I have been as lucky and not been taken advantage of?

I went to the living room to listen to the phone message and my world came crashing down on me. It was Jeremy. He had left a message last night while I was having my fit at Nathan's. He was calling to say he had broken his contract and was coming home to stay; he had noticed that I was getting sadder and sadder over the past months and he said I was more important than anything in his world. He was saying he would be home later today and he would take me out to celebrate.

I couldn't believe my ears. What I had always wanted was within my reach and, because of my stupidity, I would never get it! I had destroyed everything with my impatience! If only I hadn't gone out last night? If only I had stayed home! It was too late now for 'what if's' and I knew I'd never be able to face him. I had betrayed him in the worst way by not believing in his love.

I went to the medicine cabinet to empty it of every narcotic we had in the house. I knew then I could never again face Jeremy and my life was over. I had brought it upon myself and I would end it the only way I knew how.

I could only think of one thing; getting out of here, but I knew I had to, at least, tell him goodbye and make sure he wouldn't feel guilty about what I intended to do, so I wrote him a letter while waiting for the taxi to come and pick me up.