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By the time you come home, I'll be long gone. Please don't come looking for me; I don't want to see the hate and disgust in your eyes. I've betrayed you, my love, betrayed you in the worst possible way and there's nothing I can do that would change it.
All those months of you being away brought out the worst in me and I started losing faith in you. I thought you didn't love me anymore and were staying away more and more so you wouldn't have to spend time with me. I complained about you to my friends and gave them a bad impression of who you were. I thought you were insensitive to my feelings and didn't care anymore.
Last night I got so mad at you for not calling me, I went to dinner with Nathan. Remember Nathan, my friend, the bar owner? I told you about him a few times and how supportive he's been. Well, last night, I went to dinner with him and ended in a hysterical fit so we went back to his place. This morning I woke up in his arms and THIS is unforgivable, Jeremy.
I never should have put myself in that situation; I never should have stopped believing in our love, I should have trusted that our commitment was stronger. Instead, I forgot about it for a moment and was weak and enjoyed Nathan's arms around me.
Don't hate me, Jeremy, if you can. I know now, I should have trusted you more. You're the only man I've ever or could ever love and that's why I'm doing what I'm about to do. I know I could never face you and see the pain of my betrayal in your eyes so, it's better if I end it all.
You're a good man, my love, you deserve love and happiness and I wish you to find a good woman, one that will trust you and love you completely, one that won't be as weak as I am.
Kiss the kids for me, please. Tell them I love them but losing you is more than I could bear.
With all my love,
Joanna.
I left the letter on his pillow. I knew that Jeremy would come straight into the bedroom to empty his luggage, so he would find it quickly. The taxi was at the door so I took a last look behind me; I wanted to keep that image in my mind for later.
Now, I'm here in this hotel room, with the 'do not disturb' sign on the door, ready to end it all and I only regret one thing; to not have loved Jeremy enough to trust in him. He's never given me any reason to lose faith and by my own stupidity I've lost the only man I've ever loved.
I didn't know that taking handfuls of pills with wine was so hard to swallow; it might not help that I'm crying so hard either. Good thing I bought two bottles earlier, I'll need to take fewer pills at a time if I don't want to vomit them all.
Forgive me if you can, Jeremy. I loved you too much and didn't trust you enough. I love you.
I think it's time I lay down on the bed. The room is spinning around me and I don't want to inconvenience whoever is going to find me in a few days.I'm so tired, maybe if I close my eyes for a minute....
It's true what they say, that's the easiest way of letting go. My time is probably getting near; I can hear knocking sounds in the distance.Goodbye, my love. I'll love you forever.
The empty wine bottle slipped from Joanna's hand and clattered to the floor as Jo's mind began to drift away...
I want to thank my editors and beta readers for this one. This story would never have been so good without their invaluable input. A special thanks to my husband also. He's the only one who could have made me believe I was able to write another story.
As usual, please don't forget to vote and comment.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 2 years agoDepression and guilt are strong emotions, and sad to say it can lead to suicidal ideation or suicide. To those that are contemplating suicide, please reach out to your family, love ones, or friends. I know, I been there
Anonymousover 4 years agofor some unknown magical reason the boss suddenly one day cares that her employees dont think she is cool enough to party with (why)
In order to remedy this she starts bitching about her marriage to her secretary (how does this make her cool enough to party with)
And then in order to ensure her employees want to party with her she fucks a bartender becuase her husbands didnt call home one random night (what sort of logic is this)
26thNCover 5 years agoAs she is drifting off, she hears faint knocking. Will someone get there in time to save her? One last question in a story without many answers.
Anonymousover 6 years agoSome comments puzzled me. I retraced story over and over trying to find where the author wrote she was drunk or had sex-or implied either
I found none.
Although I might disagree with her decision, you need only to carefully read her letter to understand it.
Until I read the follow up story, I was confused by her reasoning. All came clear when husband described her philosophy and beliefs.
Sad that believed she could not face him...seventeen years of being so long apart, and the loneliness coming to the fore when children had gone from home.
She did caution in the talks they had leading up to their lifestyle decision, that eventually problems would arise.
Personally if I were the husband I could not have decided that 20 plus years of repeated month long absences from wife and children, home for two weeks the off again would be worth the reward he envisioned. All that sacrifice so he could retire at 55???????
Not meaning to spoil for those who have yet to read ending but I feel for her and question husband's thinking and actions
I have noted many authors who thank LC for her help with their works.
I applaud her exceptional writing skills
