Always a Bridesmaid

"So I'm flying a D-model tonight."

It took her a few seconds before she remembered the F-18D was a two-seater while the 'C-model' was the single-seat version he normally flew.

"You drive, I'll navigate," she told him.

"Yes, ma'am," he said sitting back in his seat and putting the car in gear.

Kelley drove them passed the turn to the recruit depot then over the bridge and into Port Royal. "Turn left on Bell then follow it to Robinson. Turn left and my place is on the right."

Emma lived in a two-bedroom house that had been built in the 1970s. It was small but comfortable and obviously had had some TLC and a woman's touch on the inside.

"I like it," Kelley told her when she let them inside.

"It's not much, but it's mine," she told him. "There's just no way I could have lived at home like Shelby did all those years. Then again, I'm not Shelby."

Kelley smiled and said to her, "Thank God!"

Emma couldn't help but laugh at his remark.

"What can I get you to drink, Jason?" she asked as she found herself staring at him in uniform.

"Maybe a beer?"

"Beer it is," she said. A minute later they were both sipping a bottle of Corona.

Emma sat across from him and Kelley said, "Why don't you come sit next to me?"

"Because I don't trust myself with you," she told him matter of factly but politely.

"Oh, okay. Fair enough," he said. He took a sip then told her, "I thought you were letting me in."

Emma laughed and said, "Where do you think you are, Marine? You're in here and not out on the porch, right?"

Knowing she'd just bested him, all he could was, "Touché."

"I am letting you in, Jason. I just have to do it slowly. Is that okay?"

"It's more than okay, Emma. In fact, anything you want is okay with me."

"Oh, you're smooth! I gotta hand it to you." She smiled brightly before taking another sip. "You know, I really don't know much about you. What I do know...and can see...I like. Can you tell me about yourself?"

He spent the next few minutes talking about growing up just outside of Portland, Oregon, his family which consisted of his parents and a younger sister, the sports he played in high school, where he went to college and what he majored in followed by going to Marine Officer Candidates School, The Basic School, and then flight school.

"So you're a professional student then?" Emma teased.

"Sometimes it seems it that way. This last year has been the first time I haven't been in a classroom since Kindergarten. But it's not very interesting talking about myself. Tell me about you, Emma. That's what interests me."

Her past sounded very much like his from K-12 followed by four years at The University of South Carolina which everyone referred to as USC. To Kelley and most of the rest of the country, USC meant The University of Southern California where the infamous O.J. Simpson had once played football and won the Heisman Trophy.

"So with a degree in nursing I had quite a few options as far as work went. I took a job at Beaufort Memorial a month after I graduated and I've have been there ever since."

"I take it you enjoy your work?"

"I love being a nurse. I love everything about it except seeing children suffer. It's hard enough with the elderly when they're in pain, but at least they understand it's a part of life. Children can't possibly understand and it just breaks my heart. But other than that, yes, I really enjoy it. How about you?"

"So far, yes. I can't tell you how much fun flying is. But unlike civilian flying, I have a zillion things to learn about air-to-air and air-to-ground tactics. The learning curve is incredibly steep and I still make plenty of mistakes. The good news is everyone really cares and they're happy to help me out as much as I want. I guess the think I love the most though, is hangin' out with the guys. They're like frat brothers only with a common bond forged at OCS. Not to sound melodramatic, but it's more like a calling than a job. Does that sound cheesy?"

"No, not at all. I'm very grateful for every man and woman who's willing to serve. Flying seems very...sexy, but I'm sure all jobs are important."

"That's so true. Planes don't fly without mechanics and various technicians. People don't get paid or promoted without administrative support. No one goes anywhere without truck drivers and you kind of need supplies and stuff when you get there so yeah, every person is important."

"My dad always seemed kind of...I don't know. Elitist maybe? He made it sound like the officers were the be-all, end-all and the enlisted people the peons or servants or something like that."

"Wow. I don't get that at all. No one is better. We're just different. A pilot is no better than a grunt in the infantry or someone who fixes generators. It's a team effort for sure."

"I'm glad to hear you say that, Jason. That kind of elitism is one of the things I rebelled against early on. I'm grateful for everything my parents have provided, I just don't think anyone is better than anyone else. But my parents go from the officer's club to the country club to their swanky parties and they only associate with 'the right kind of people.' I can't live like that. My father is no more important than the poor, black man who has no insurance when he comes to the hospital. No one should get preferential treatment."

"Are you a big-government kind of person? Do you think it's the government's place to help people?"

"Yes and no," she said. "I want the government to do a few things really well and otherwise stay the hell out of our lives. But for people who are genuinely unable to work—not because they're lazy—I think we owe it to them to provide them with support."

Kelley smiled and told her, "So far, we're in synch on the big issues of religion and politics and we seem to value most of the same things. I'd say that's a pretty good start, wouldn't you?"

"I would," she replied with a smile. "I know you only recently broke up with my sister of all people and you're probably not interested in getting serious again so soon, but I am curious."

"About?"

"Well, about...us. Whatever 'us' means at this point. I know there's physical attraction—on my part to you for sure and I'll take your word that you find me at least reasonably attractive, too." She paused when Kelley gave her one of those looks for being so hard on herself again. "Okay. Fine. You find me attractive, too. But I'm not 25 anymore." She paused again then said kind of ruefully, "Or even 30. You can't pretend that isn't the case and it means things for the future."

"You're right. It does," Kelley said with great seriousness. "It means you'll be going on Social Security before I do so maybe I won't have to work as long as I've always thought I'd have to."

Emma grabbed a peanut out of the dish on the coffee table between them and threw at him.

"Hey? What was that all about? It's true, isn't it? What else matters as far as age goes?"

"Well, what about having children? Do you want them and if so, how many?"

"I definitely want children and I'm thinking maybe two. Why?"

"I'm not exactly getting any younger over here," she said with a look on her face that let him know that was a concern to her.

"I thought you just turned 33. Am I wrong? Did you really just turn 43?"

She got ready to throw another peanut and Kelley put his arms up in defense. "Hey! Stop already with the artillery barrage. The point is you're the perfect age to have children, Emma. I mean, it's not you're 35 or something. You know—really old!"

He ducked when a handful of nuts came flying his way. One of them stuck in the high collar of his uniform. He pulled out and said in the same voice as the guy on the YouTube video, "Deez nuts!"

Emma laughed so hard she covered her mouth. "I love that guy!"

Kelley leaned over and put his forearms on his legs and looked right at Emma then said, "And I love you, Emma."

She stopped laughing immediately. "Jason. You did not just say that." She stared at him and saw the look in his eyes. He was deadly serious. "Did you?" she said, her voice trailing off.

"I started falling for you the first time we talked. Out in the greenhouse. Everything that felt so wrong with Shelby finally made sense and everything you said stuck a chord with me. Every time we've talked that same thing has happened. I've been obsessed with you ever since, but I never did anything about it until tonight. You're the only reason I even went to the reception tonight, Emma. You don't have to say it back. I wouldn't expect you to. You may not even believe me, but it's true, Emma. I do love you."

"Oh, my God," she said very slowly and quietly. "I think maybe you should leave now."

Kelley felt like he'd just been kicked in the balls and wondered why in the hell he'd just said what he said. But he felt it and he wasn't going to apologize for telling her what he felt.

"I'll leave, Emma, but that won't change the way I feel," he said as he stood up.

She hadn't moved and she wasn't even looking at him. "Are you really that upset with me?" he finally asked.

When she still wouldn't respond he walked over to her and knelt beside the sofa and said, "I won't say I'm sorry for telling you how I feel. I suppose I should have waited, but sitting there looking at you, thinking about how amazing you are...I couldn't help myself."

Her eyes never moved. She was looking down and away from him as he spoke. He stood up again then said, "Okay. I guess I'll be going then."

He picked up his cover and said, "I'll show myself out."

He got to the door before she finally spoke. "Jason?"

He turned around and waited. She looked up at him from across the room and said, "If I say it back, then that's it. I have no more defenses. You'll be all the way inside and...I'm scared. I am still afraid. I wish I wasn't. I wish I was brave, but I'm not. I'm scared to death, Jason."

He let go of the doorknob and walked back toward her. He sat his cover on the coffee table that had nuts scattered all over it. He extended his hand and waited for her to take it. When she did, he gave it a gentle pull and lifted her to her feet.

"Come here," he said softly pulling her close. She rested her head on his broad shoulders as he stroked her hair. "Do you believe me?" he asked quietly.

"Yes," she whispered back. "I just can't figure out why you'd want me. You're a pilot, you're smart, and you're so handsome and...and I'm...33. I don't understand."

"So much of life requires us to think with our minds, Emma. But the great thing about love is that it's something we feel with our hearts. It's like seeing a work of art. You don't analyze the paint or the brush strokes. You don't need science to tell you it's beautiful." He pulled his head back indicating he was waiting for her to do the same. "You're that beautiful work of art, Emma. I don't care about the paint that was used or how the strokes were made on the canvas. I just know I love you. I'm not sure I can explain it any better than that, I do love you."

"Then you really should leave," she said, her eyes moving rapidly between his. "Because if you stay any longer, I'll say it, too, and then there won't be anything to stop me from begging you to make love to me so...would you please leave?"

There were tears forming in her eyes and Kelley hurt like he couldn't ever remember hurting before. He put a hand on her cheek then kissed her softly before saying, "Okay."

She walked him to the door then thanked him for a wonderful evening.

"Seems like it's been a pretty miserable evening for you," he said kindly.

"Miserable? Uh-uh. Not at all. Confusing, maybe, but not miserable." She managed a smile then said, "You may be the sweetest, most romantic man I've ever met."

She kissed him on the cheek and feeling like a total failure, Kelley told her goodnight and stepped outside.

"Well, that went well," he said very quietly out loud before heading to his car.

He was about halfway down the walk when he heard the door open. He turned around and saw her standing there looking at him. "Jason? Jason, don't go!" she called out. She ran down the steps of the porch then ran right to him. She threw her arms around him and said, "I love you, too! I love you so much!"

He held her tight and felt a lump in his throat that made it hard to speak. Finally, he managed to say, "And I love you, too, Emma."

She looked into his eyes and said, "Come back inside and stay with me. Please?"

He put his hand on her cheek again and said, "No. Not tonight. I want to more than anything on earth, but not tonight."

"Why? I don't understand. I just told you I love you, too, Jason," she said imploringly.

"And I believe you. But we need some time to adjust to this. We need a little time to let it sink in. To relish it." He smiled at her. "To nurture it. To let desire build and grow. Is that okay?"

"Do I have any choice?" she said sweetly.

"Yes, but I think it would be an unwise choice," he told her still smiling at her.

"Couldn't you be just a little less wise for one night?" she said using that same tone of voice.

"I promise I'll make it worth your wait."

She was still staring into his eyes as she said, "I believe you. I'm not happy about this, but I do believe you."

"Goodnight, Emma Stanton. I do indeed love you."

"And I love you, Jason Kelley. I truly do."

They kissed briefly before Emma turned and went back inside.

Neither of them slept much that night as the words they spoke and the feelings they felt sank in. As Emma lay alone in her bed she thought, "He was right about waiting. He was absolutely right." Need and desire slowly and steadily grew inside them as their minds processed this very real, very serious change in their relationship. And as much as she loved him and believed he loved her, a part of her was paralyzed by fear; the fear he would one day tell her he no longer loved her and that was more than she could bear.

Both of them woke up exhausted that Saturday morning and on some level it felt like the night before had never happened. Kelley went for a long run and Emma took a long, hot shower before getting dressed.

It was just after noon when her phone rang. When she saw his name, her heart leapt into her throat. She took a deep breath then answered. "Hi!"

"Hi. Did you sleep?" he asked immediately.

"Not really. You?"

"Nope."

"Okay, I didn't either," she admitted.

"I want to see you, Emma. I...need to see you. Is it okay if I..."

"Yes! Whatever it is, yes. Please come see me, Jason."

"I'll be right there," he told her.

She hung then panicked. She'd thrown on jeans and a sweater and decided she'd change. But into what? It was just after noon on a Saturday. Was she going to wear a dress? If so, did that mean heels, jewelry, and makeup?

"Take a deep breath and relax," she told herself. She went back into the bathroom and heated up her curling iron while she put on some mascara and a bit of foundation. She added the tiniest little touch of blusher before putting a soft curl in her otherwise straight, silky hair. Unable to resist, she put on some clear lip gloss and hoped for the best.

Fifteen minutes later, her doorbell rang. She took a couple more deep breaths then opened the door. As soon as he saw her he said, "You look so good!"

She closed the door and said, "Um, last night I looked okay. Today I look...plain. But thank you. You, however, look very good!"

It was chilly outside but Kelley was wearing shorts with cargo pockets and a three-button shirt with a collar and some running shoes. "Not exactly dress blues, huh?"

They stood there looking at each other before Kelley said, "If I don't kiss you right now, something's going to explode."

"Same here," she told him dying for him to kiss her.

He put his arms around her and kissed her for a very long time then held her even longer before speaking again. He pulled his head back and smiled. "So...do you still love me?"

"Yes. Of course I do," she told him. "How about you?"

"More than ever," he told her before kissing her again. "I know you've had some terrible nights in your past and I don't mean to bring them up. It's just that not being with you last night was the worst I can ever remember."

"With the exceptions you just mentioned, it was equally bad for me."

"Hey? Who's crazy, dumb idea was it to spend last night apart?"

"He was actually pretty smart," she told him. "That whole thing about passion and desire building? Um, yeah. Pretty much on the money with that one."

"Have you eaten anything yet?" he asked.

"No. I haven't been able to eat," she told him truthfully.

"Any better now?" he asked.

"Now that you're here, it's getting better," she told him with a smile.

"How about I take you out for something to eat?" he asked.

"Is this okay?" she asked regarding her clothes.

"You could wear a shower curtain and it would look great on you. That's perfect."

"Then, okay. I'd love to go to lunch with you."

They decided to go to a place called Moondoggies Cafe and Grill which looked more like a two-story home than a restaurant. They ordered a Reuben sandwich, something called Shrimp Po' Boy, and some hush puppies with sweet tea and shared it all nibbling at everything in front of them.

"So what now?" Emma asked as the munched their food.

"I want to spend as much time with you as possible, Emma," he told her before popping a hush puppy into his mouth.

"Good answer!" she said just like the game show Family Feud. "Before I forget, you never really answered my question about work last night."

"How so?" he asked as he took a sip of iced tea.

"Do you think you'll stay in for a career or do you know yet?"

"I guess that depends on several things."

"Such as?"

"We have majors in my squadron who've been deployed for five or six of the twelve or so years they've been on active duty. The wars have pretty much wound down but who knows what the future will hold, and even during peacetime there are six-month deployments and other shorter training dets. Detachments in case you forgot," he added with a smile.

"That's a lot of time away," she said without judgment. "What else?"

"It can be tough raising children like that. Especially if their mother wants to keep working."

"I see. Anything else?"

"Well, it would definitely mean leaving Beaufort."

"Right. Yes, that is a definite. So...which way do you think you're leaning at this point?"

"Honestly? I'd be okay either way as long..." He reached out for her hand then said, "As long as you're with me."

"Oh, really?" she said playfully. "Well, you know I'd gladly leave Beaufort so that's not a serious concern. I do want to keep working, but I could possibly take some time off to raise children. Assuming I had children. Oh, and a husband, of course."

"Oh, I see," he said also being playful. "Got any prospects?"

"Um, maybe. I find myself thinking about this one guy all the time."

"Oh. Lucky guy."

"How about you? Anyone out there on the horizon?"

"Um, maybe," he said stealing her words. "She's pretty incredible. Well actually, she's incredibly pretty and incredible and I can't think about anyone or anything else."

"Oh. Lucky girl," she said parroting back his line.

Kelley squeezed her hand and said, "Now that we've had some time apart—you know, all those hours—and something to eat, I was wondering if you might like to find out where I live."

"Well, you know where I live now so that only seems fair," she said her eyes twinkling with delight.

Kelley paid the bill and escorted her outside. When he opened her door he just stared at her. "What?" she asked.

"You're just so beautiful. That's all."

She put her arms around him and said, "If you take me home with you, I'm not leaving until tomorrow. I just wanted you to know that."