by cheatingheart
Can't really comment to much until we get to read another chapter.
This is an interesting start. However, there are so many grammatical errors that it substantially detracts from the storyline.
Not sure if it was an attempt at an accent, or true grammatical error that made what would otherwise be a promising start into an exercise in irritation. Definitely you should not abandon this idea, I would give the two characters a 5 vote.
you should definitely have someone proofread your stories before submitting. I was constantly tripping over your sentences because they were either missing words, had words that didn't fit, or had just the obvious misspellings. Especially the "your" and "you're" thing. I think you used it three times towards the end and it was the wrong version each time. Not sure why, but that type of thing just gets to me. Otherwise, nice start.
Your story was enticing as hell! I can't wait to read the other two. Really good start.