Amanda?s Journey

I tried the cheer leading bit first, that didn’t help to much, but Donald loved it. Then I went and bought a French maids outfit, that at first seemed domed to failure, that is until I changed the scenario from a maid to a hooker. I just let go, I became in my mind a hooker, Donald just some john paying for sex. I’d never been that turned on in my life, it was wonderful. For the next two years or so Donald and I had sex at least twice a week, at first playing the whore but that soon changed to just a slut picking up a guy for a one night stand. I really didn’t change it so much in my mind, I was still the whore, I was still paid but Donald was more comfortable with me being just a slut. It got to the point where most Saturday nights, we’d go out. I of course would be dressed for the part, I’d wear as little as possible, as reveling as I dared and I’d act as slutty as I knew how to.

Eventually I really started to feel the part, for those nights I’d transform myself, I acted slutty, I came on to men. I treated Donald as if he was just a piece of meat I could interchange at will. He loved it, I loved it. It was just an act, it was fun, I never had any intentions of going home with someone other then Donald. I did enjoy the attention I got from the men, I enjoyed dancing with them, something Donald was not good at. I’d even sometimes bring a men back to our table. I’d taunt Donald, I’d sit close to them, I’d cuddle with them, I sometimes even kissed them, a few times I even ran my hand up and down their legs before settling it upon their manhood, of course always making it evident for Donald. I’d end up with someone to fantasies about and Donald got his kicks from watching. Oh yes, I’d figured out Donald was a voyeur, he enjoyed watching. How much he wanted to watch, how far he wanted me to go was his secret, I didn’t ask. I suppose I didn’t ask because I had no intentions of finding out, I didn’t want to know, sex with these men was a fantasy, something I didn’t want to be reality. I really just wasn’t that driven to have sex.

I could never kid myself in to believing that I was in love with Donald, not that big I LOVE YOU kind of love but what we had was enough for me. I’m sure I wouldn’t have felt guilty if I’d have had sex with any of these men, I’m sure I would have done so if I really would have had that desire, I just didn’t. I just couldn’t get turned on to the idea of sex with another man. You would have thought I would have, sex with Donald still wasn’t great, it was the game that was great, I got off on our game, never the sex with Donald afterwards. Maybe I didn’t want sex with any of these men because I was afraid, afraid that if I allowed myself sex with someone, I really lusted after, my life would change, I would change. Aren’t we all good at putting on masks, masks that even we believe. Mask we know in reality are nothing but lies.

There is a rest of our lives, parts other then the sexual, those parts always make the bulk of our time don’t they. I don’t really know now, how I’m going to tell my story, most likely more sexual then not, how Diane is going to write it is up to her, I assume again it well be more sexual, dropping the parts she finds boring. But in a way our lives are driven by the sexual, a man meets a women, they fall in love, sex play an important roll doesn’t it. Of all things our sexuality plays the biggest roll, at least that is my opinion. This story is about my life, my sexuality has played an important roll, sex has not been everything, life has other important forces, children to name just one. Even when I had no sexual desires, that became, in a way, the driving force, so it is fitting that the rest of my story is presented in the light of my sexuality.

Well as for Donald’s and my life together it couldn’t have been better. Donald was becoming a success, he wasn’t big enough to compete with the bigger contractors in New York, so he’d moved his offices to White Plains. He did well in the outlying areas, he started to use his profits as leverage to buy land then lease a building on the land. He transformed his company from a building company to a land development company. Selling most of what he’d develop but always keeping the best for our personal portfolio. I was proud of Donald, he had done what he promised he’d do, we were wealthy, we had money to burn. Don’t you take that wrong, my pride in him had nothing to do with the money. I was content living in our little brownstone. It was nice not to struggle, it was nice to be able to give to my chosen cause, just as the others involved had always done. If anything, I wanted my life to stayed just like it was.

I lived in what I considered a good neighborhood, Michael was well adjusted, he seemed happy. He liked school and was doing well with his school work. He was naturally athletic, loved and excelled in sports. Michael made friends easily and was popular. All was well with Michael, all accept his not understanding why his real father didn’t take an interest in him. That just broke my heart. If Michael had been younger when I married Donald, maybe I could have spared him that, but he wasn’t and he knew Donald was not his biological father. I’m sure he felt Donald was his true father but that isn’t enough, children don’t understand everything. He felt rejected by his real father and he couldn’t understand why. How anyone, man or woman can do this to a child is unbelievable to me, just a little bit of time and compassion would spare so much anguish, so much pain, so much self doubt. Neither Donald nor I could change that, Donald did hunt Johnny down, tried to get him to at least take some interest in Michael, Johnny wouldn’t, he just has no heart. The best we could do was be there, love Michael and comfort him. Despite that pain, Michael was for the most part a happy well adjusted boy. A boy, I may add, I loved with all my heart, a boy I am very proud to call my son.

As I said things never stay the same, and our neighborhood didn’t either. Crime started to raise, murders within a few blocks of our house happened. When my next door neighbor was raped in her own house, I’d had enough, I was ready to move. Donald had wanted this for a long time, he wanted to live somewhere more prestigious, somewhere closer to his office. We could have stayed here and found somewhere more prestigious, somewhere safer. But that isn’t what Donald wanted, he wanted a big house, one with a big yard, one where Michael could play, without us fearing that some pervert would attack him. I didn’t want any of that save for Michael’s safety from some pervert. It didn’t take us long to find a new house, it wasn’t far from the city, forty five minutes from Manhattan by train but the community was prestigious, the house was in a good neighborhood. The neighbors fit Donald’s desire to live among the wealthy. The house was fabulous, what more can I say, it would have fit most everyone’s needs, or desires. Perhaps not a mansion, at least not one the rich and famous would think of as a mansion, but for a poor girl from Queens it was a mansion.

None of our furnishing were going to fit, pretty much nondescript. I never had the taste for expensive furnishing before, maybe I did, I just never realized before I could have that. I have to admit when Donald told me I’d have to buy all new, I’d have to decorate the house to suit us, I was excited. When he hired a decorator to help me, I was relieved, the whole idea of decorating this house had scared me. I wanted our house to be prestigious, I wanted others to admire my skill in decorating it. I to was caught up in the glamour of living there, rubbing elbow with the rich. It still scared me, how could we afford all of this, a new house, and all new decor, it seemed impossible to me. Impossible, until Donald showed me just how easily we could afford all of it, I knew we were well off before that day, but I had no idea that as far as money goes we fit amongst our soon to be new neighbors. I’m not so sure I really liked that, I’m not sure I wanted to be rich.

We hadn’t even moved in yet and we knew all the gossip, one of Donald’s business associates lived close to where our new house was. We’d been invited to a dinner party, a get acquainted to the neighborhood party. Of course only the neighbors who weren’t being gossiped about. I discovered very quickly that people are just people, money or no money. A person can put on an act, they can even convince themselves that somehow they are better then most everyone else but they aren’t, they are just people. Gossip is gossip, meanness is meanness, rich, poor or in between, people at times can be so cruel. I did learn that night that our next door neighbors, the ones to the right of our house, were outcasts. They didn’t fit, they were wild, it was rumored that he was a drug dealer and that both were swingers. I couldn’t help laugh to myself, I wondered what all these good people would think about me being a former welfare recipient, an almost stripper, an almost prostitute. What would their reaction be to Donald’s and my Saturday nights out on the town. I also knew those nights were out of the question, unless we had our fun elsewhere.

Finally moving day came, what little we had to move didn’t take long to pack up and load. All the rest of our furniture and decor I’d given away to the mothers our organization had been helping. A lot of it was hard to part with, there were memories attached, giving it away to those who needed it, some how made parting with those cherished items easier. After the moving van left, I sent Donald ahead of me, telling him I wanted to stay and clean.

Donald, of course, told me that wasn’t necessary, he was having someone do that. I insisted he and Michael go, I didn’t have a need to clean, I needed to be alone, I had a need to say farewell to a place I loved. A need to cherish each memory, to remember each happy moment, time to reflect on what had been. A need to touch the floors I’d scrubbed so many times, the windows I’d washed, the walls I’d painted, the doors I’d helped Donald install and even the nails I’d driven. It was a lonely feeling leaving that house, our home, a home I loved, a life I had learned to love. I wondered if leaving here, leaving what I had come to think of as my life, a life where I learned to love a man who I didn’t really love, wasn’t a mistake. As I walked out our front door, I think if I could have turned back time, taken it all back, I would have. I was going to miss my life, I was afraid of what may come to pass, tears streamed down my face as I lock that door, the door to my past, one last time.

It seemed like the train ride, took no time at all. The cab ride home was nerve racking, I was so apprehensive. I was somewhat relieved when the cab pulled up in front of our new house. Michael was playing in the front yard with two other boys. I had been sure Michael would do fine, he’d adjust and make friends and from the sound of the laughter, I realized he already had. The laughter from his lips, the smile on his face, the joy I saw in his eyes, his happiness raised my spirits, relieved my anxiety, I knew that if nothing else this would be good for Michael. Upon entering my new home, I was greeted by two faces I did not know. Donald saw the shock on my face and quickly introduced me to our new neighbors, yes the ones who lived on the right.

Susan and Philip, were their names. Susan was a tall, slender brunette, very attractive with a warm generous smile. She worn very short, short which showed off her long shapely legs. Philip was also tall, built strongly, broad shouldered, well muscles chest, slender waist, with strong muscular legs. He was wearing a cotton shirt, open in the front, showing a clean well muscles chest. A pair of tight fitting cotton shorts, very tight, which showed he also had other strong attributes. A very nice set of buns too, I might add, ever though I didn’t see them until he turned to walk into our living room. Philip was also very handsome, sandy blonde hair, deep blue eyes, and very kissable lips. I was immediately attracted to him, at least his physical being, something that hadn’t happened in a long time. Strangely enough I was attracted to Susan also, I put that off to being attracted to her natural friendliness, her natural warmth. I couldn’t help wonder if they truly were swingers, I could positively understand other couples being attracted to them.

It didn’t take long to realize I liked Susan, her warmth was in more then just her smile . I felt for sure that a friendship would develop between us. When I finally told everyone, I had to excuse myself, I really needed to start unpacking our things, Susan insisted she help. I found her so easy to talk to, I could feel us becoming friends. I wasn’t so sure how I felt about Philip, there was certainly a physical attraction, but he seemed rather domineering to me. Susan deferred in all things when it came to Philip, she’d look down, then answer in a short sentence, and no matter what she said it always confirmed what Philip expected. There seemed to be no other communications between them, Philip either asked or requested of her then she’d answer meekly.

Philip volunteered to see to dinner, so he and Donald left to get pizza. By the time Philip and Sue left that night, about nine, Susan and I were bonded. I could see things hadn’t progressed that far with Donald and Philip, I hoped they would. I was sure part of that was Donald, aside from his voyeur tendencies, Donald can still get jealous. Philip fit the type of man who could make Donald jealous and I contributed to that by not being able to hide my attraction for Philip. I could sense that Susan saw it also, she didn’t seem to mind that I found Philip attractive, I’d flirted a time or two. I wasn’t sure how to read her, did she truly not mind that I was attracted to her husband, I had actually signaled that to him or was it that she wasn’t allowed to mind.

It really wasn’t long before I adjusted to my new home, my new surroundings, we all did. Susan and I became close, I’d say we’d become best friends but I also had feeling for her I didn’t want to face. I felt that way about her, I wasn’t sure she did about me. My attraction for Philip also grew stronger, he had a lot of personality, it wasn’t just good looks. Other things changed to, the most drastic being my desire to get pregnant again. Michael was now twelve years old, and I wanted to start a new family. What the driving force behind my now wanting children, when I hadn’t before, I have no idea. Donald was all for the idea, he wanted children of his own. So I stopped birth control, and became pregnant in September of my 31st year of life. June the next year Donald and I had a daughter, we named her Kelly. Four months later I was again pregnant. In July of my 33rd year of life we had our second daughter, we named her Heather. It was two long years, but I had wanted both girls, I was happy, but I was sure I did not want any more children. I had my tubes tied.

During my second pregnancy we’d hired a nanny, Donald insisted. I have to admit I grew used to having her around helping me. I would never give full responsibility to a nanny but it was nice sharing some of it. It also gave me some freedom after Heather was born. Sue and I became inseparable, shopping together, going to the gym together, golfing together, and dragging our husbands to the theater. I came to know everything about Sue and she about me. I found out more from Susan’s actions, then her words, that she was totally submissive to Philip.

Positively, her being submissive peeked my curious, I pressured her many time to tell me why she allowed that. Finally admitting that at first she had disliked the whole idea, but she like me had come from a background where money was not all that easy to come by. Philip had shown her a new world, a world she’d have to give up without him. It was a slow process for Susan, many years of Philip’s brow beating, even some violence but over time she’d given in to his well. It now just seemed normal to her, she did as he wanted, she pleased him in all things. She felt that had it’s rewards, she had complete freedom when he wasn’t around, she didn’t want for anything, she had to admit that it also allowed her to explore parts of her sexually that she wouldn’t have any other way. When I inquired what kind of things, Susan declined to tell me, simple saying, "Amanda, don’t be so naive, even your Donald has kinky desires, just suppose he could make you live them all."

That wasn’t much of an answer, but I was sure Donald’s desires would include other men, I’d had enough Saturday nights to know that. Most likely more then one man, I knew his preference in pornographic movies, and it was never one woman, one man. If I was honest with myself I didn’t find that offensive, I just didn’t have the desire to do so, at least not with Donald, what I’d want with Philip in change I wasn’t sure.

Talk about curiosity, knowing but not really knowing drove me crazy, I had ton of unanswered questions. I was so curious about Susan’s relationship, what would it be like to have a strong domineering husband, one who could and would make you fulfill any and all of his desires. What would those desires be, would I, could I, do things I didn’t want to on demand. Donald was a man I could easily dominate, I chose not to, Johnny had been just the opposite. If Donald was more like Philip, more like Johnny, would I love him, was that the missing ingredient. Something was surely missing, something that stirred whenever I was with Sue, whenever I thought about her and Philip. You may say I was a bit confused, I wanted to trade places with Susan, what woman in her right mind would what to be a slave. That is what Sue was, a sub in a dom/sub relationship. Maybe I felt that is what I needed in my marriage.

Susan and Philip did swing, the one thing Donald and I didn’t do with them. I would have, I was curious about what happened at a party like that, I was even more so when Susan wouldn’t tell me what kind of things she did. If Donald would have been willing to, if it had been any other man then Philip, I’m sure he would have. Donald hadn’t changed he still wanted to watch. Philip was just to much of a hunk, my attraction to great, for Donald to be able to get over his jealousy. It did have one good effect, Donald went on a strict doctors supervised diet, he started running and working out. He wasn’t yet in great shape but he did look better then he ever had before. Despite that, my feeling for him, my sexual feeling that is, remained the same. There were times I resented Donald’s reluctance in allowing me to at least go to one of their parties alone, even if he didn’t want to go, I did. But I respected Donald’s wishes, he still was my husband, I was still happy with the type of marriage we had. The truth is I’d forsaken love for more important things in life, maybe that would have been unbearable with any other man but Donald. I didn’t love Donald but I did have a true affection for him.

For the next year things remained pretty much the same, if anything Sue and I became closer. My feeling for Philip became mixed, on one hand I hated his dominance over Sue, on the other his being so dominate turned me on. I was having sexual feelings that I’d hidden and repressed for so many years. I stopped playing games with Donald, I did so because I knew I could no longer be in control, one of these men or many of them would someday realize I wouldn’t say no, all they had to do was demand my body and I would give it to them. Yes demand is the word, I’d gone from fantasizing about being dominated to wanting to be. Sex with Donald was almost non existence. I forced myself to try, the most I could muster was once a month. It shouldn’t have been that way, Donald had changed, he was no longer heavy, his body was now hard and firm. Oh god that sounds so awful, I’m not that way, at least I hope I’m not, but that had been my excuse for so many years, Donald was fat, I couldn’t get turned on because Donald was fat. Other men who were heavy had at times turned me on, I just couldn’t allow that fact to taint my excuse. Donald deserved better, why had he ever fallen in love with me.