Amanda?s Journey

My life even had greater changes in store, changes or realization of self that I have not until recently admitted. That was precipitated by the arrival of two new neighbors who had moved in the house behind us. Two women, two dykes as most of the neighbors called them. They were as you can imagine not readily accepted, by a few of my more fair minded neighbors they were, but not by most. It is almost laughable in a way, most didn’t want them living here, but everyone was curious about them.

It wasn’t long before I knew that one was an artist, the other a stripper. The one who was the artist, had a Ph.D. in biochemistry, and had been the founder of a high tech company. After taking the company public, she had retired to pursue her interest in art. The consensus was she had to be the one who was the butch partner. She didn’t look butch, she was a petite, slender, brunette, her hair shoulder length, very beautiful, if she hadn’t been so short, I was sure she could have been a model, but she was young, proved she was a genius, and most likely wished she was a man. None of us knew her but we all just knew that was how it had to be. Don’t all lesbian couples have one who’s feminine and one who’s butch, one who wishes she was a man. It surely couldn’t be the stripper that was butch, butch women don’t take their clothes off for men.

The stripper was simple one of the most gorgeous creatures I’d very seen. Tall, she had to be close to 6’, golden blonde hair, which fell to the middle of her back, a body most of us would die to have. There wasn’t an once of extra weight on her body, long slender but muscular legs, it was easy to see she worked out, a firm tight rear, slender waist, and these marvelous breast, I’d guess a "D" cup. Of course we all said they couldn’t be real, at least we hoped they weren’t, I’m only a "B" and I sag more then she did.

The truth is I think most of the women in the neighborhood were jealous of both of them. Maybe a little upset that their husband would crane their necks to get a look at them. I, on the other hand, was intrigued by them, I spied on them, became a regular peeping Jane. I had a great view of their yard and house from our master bedroom bath window. Of course our whirlpool bath sits against that wall, so I’d have to stand in the tub. Admittedly, I started to bath more often, instead of showering. There was somewhat of a view from our kitchen window to, but it was obscured by leaves most of the time. Watching them interact, watching them kiss, watching them hold each other, watching them sun bath around their pool, sometimes naked, effected me. I had, perhaps, always been turned on by other women, but now I could no longer hide that fact, I had to openly admit it. I still didn’t see myself as bisexual, and definitely not lesbian but I did see myself as accepting of that life style, desirous to at least find out if I was bisexual. It explained my feeling for Susan completely, I loved her as a friend but also wanted her as a sexual partner.

This may seem a bit strange to all of you but I told Donald how I felt, I wouldn’t revel my feeling about Philip, my being turned on by his being so dominate. I hadn’t expected Donald’s reaction, I hadn’t expected him to be so interested, so accepting of the idea. I guess I really don’t understand men, maybe I never well, if things had been reversed, I would have lost it, I could never be with a man who wanted to have sex with other men. Here Donald was encouraging me to do just that, have sex with other women. The whole idea was a turn on for him, as I later found it to be for most men.

I also confined in Susan, I didn’t tell her all of it, I didn’t tell her I found her so alluring. What I told her was that I found it fascinating to watch our neighbors. That doing so sometimes turned me on, made me wonder what it would be like to be touched, kissed, held by another women. Susan didn’t really make a response, just kind of nodded and let me talk, when I told her how Donald felt about it, she responded that it was the same for Philip, adding most of the men she knew. Susan said with a bitten tone, that she was sure, someday he’d make her find out what making love to another woman was like. The tone in her voice, the fact that she never said anything before with such a defiant tone, made me decide to change the subject, which I did.

It was about three weeks later that things took another twist. It was a Saturday, normally a day I spent with Donald, at least the afternoons as he’d work Saturday mornings. It really isn’t important why Donald wasn’t there but if you must know he’d taken Michael fishing for the weekend. About eleven I called Sue, to see if she’d like to go shopping with me. She accepted, but said she had to be home by two. I didn’t ask why, but I knew it had to be because Philip wanted her home. I could go into our shopping trip, I actually do remember most of it, even the clothes I tried on, what I bought, what Susan bought, but I won’t bore you.

After arriving back home, I asked Sue if she wanted to come in for a bit, she declined saying Philip would be expecting her. I was disappointed, Michael and Donald were gone, Beth had taken the girls to the movies, I felt like company, I enjoyed Susan’s the most. Deciding that I didn’t want to spend the rest of the day alone, I’d go over to her house, invented or not. I first checked my makeup, for Philip, then changing into a pair of jeans and a cotton blouse, my preferred dress for a causal afternoon. I walked over to their house, before I even got to the front door, I realized Philip and Sue must have company as there were a number of cars parked in the drive. Shortly after Sue answered the door I realized all the guests were men, Philip had some men friends over watching football.

It was also obvious that Sue was expected to wait on them. Even thought Sue declined my offers to help, trying at the same time to get me to leave, I ignored her, and started to help serve the men. They seemed really nice, there was a bit of flirting going on back an forth. Nothing serious, but I did get the impression it could get that way if I wanted it to. That was not my intend, but it was still fun. I don’t remember which one, but one of the men started talking about going to a chiropractor. Then Philip started talking about Sue having taken massage classes, and how good her back rubs were. I said something about having hurt my left shoulder working out and it was still sore, that brought on a lot of volunteers for a back rub. That is when Philip said I should have Sue give me a back rub. I couldn’t help but notice what appeared to be a hate stare hidden in Sue’s downcast eyes.

I’m not sure if Sue was just obeying Philips command or if she truly wanted to give me a back rub, but I do know now, that she had told Philip of my desires, that she was to be the bait to lure me into Philip web. Whatever, she volunteered, when I did decline, she insisted. I liked the idea, I liked the idea of her touching me so it didn’t take much persuading. Susan told me to sit cross legged on the floor, which I did, then she knelt behind me. As she started massaging my shoulders, I realized Philip’s statement about Sue being good was an understatement, her hands and fingers were amazing. Her touch was so relaxing, I soon found the tension in my shoulders disappear, the pain in my left one almost gone.

It was a strange feeling, relaxing, while at the same time feeling aroused. I could feel my body start to respond in ways, that as of late, I’d found hard to control. Always before in my life, that is until the last couple of years, I’d been able to suppress my sexual desire, lately the only way for me to do so was to masturbate, something I’d been doing quite frequently. Sue’s massage became markedly more sensual, more sexual, as her hands moved from my shoulders to my upper chest. Something also noted by the men watching, as their comments started to turn very sexual in nature. Whether it was my relaxed state or my aroused one, I’m not sure, but their comments didn’t seem to bother me in the lest, maybe even adding some, to my now increasingly sexually aroused state. Their comments surely did confirm, both Donald’s and Susan’s belief, that most men were turned on watching two women.

It was then that Philip took over directing the massage, telling Sue that I needed direct skin contact. At first she slipped her hand into my blouse, forcing the top button to pop open. That wasn’t enough for Philip, he wanted more, he directed her to undo the rest of my buttons. I’m not stupid, I knew where this was leading, and I knew it was not going to be leading only to Susan. I did have a strong urge to stop this, stop it while I could, but I was lost in two desires, the first was to make love to Susan. At the time I didn’t equate my desire so much to just Sue, it was making love to a woman, I didn’t know if I was bisexual, but I did want the experience. How we hide things from ourselves, of course I was at the very least bisexual.

Second there was a demand in Philip’s voice, a demand for Susan’s actions but an applied demand in my acquiescence to that action. What makes a person want to submit, become, in essence, a slave to another person. I can’t answer that, all I can say is I’d build up a fantasy world, one in which I lived Susan’s life, one in which Philip had complete control over me. I had no doubt what that meant, I could hide from you, lie to you that I didn’t realize what I’d be getting myself into but I knew. I didn’t just know I wanted the experience, I desired the experience.

As Susan’s long slender fingers worked the buttons of my blouse, my state of arousal increased. I felt the increased heat of my chest and neck, the quickening of my heart beat, the sensitivity of my nipples, my breast swelling against the confines of my bra, and the wetness between my legs growing. As her hands slide my blouse from my shoulders, her touch turned my skin to fire. As she lowered the straps on my bra exposing most of my breasts for all to see, they longed for her touch. As her hands cupped my breast, I felt consumed by lust.

It was then that I felt a drop of wetness on my shoulder, then another and another, I knew what they were, they were her tears. Why tears, why now, I was consumed by lust while at the same time being confused, didn’t she want this, didn’t she want me. Did she find making love to me so distasteful that she’d cry. As Sue kissed my ear she whispered, "I’m sorry Amanda, I tried to keep you away, I tried to warn you. You wouldn’t listen, you had to have things your way, you had to know. I can’t help you now." I felt her touch leave me, her body move from mine, I felt pain, I felt empty.

I didn’t have time to feel much beyond that, as hands came from everywhere, my being forced to the floor on my stomach, my clothes being pulled from my body. Hands caressing me probing me. I heard Philip, I didn’t comprehend what Philip said but I did hear Susan’s reply, "No Philip I won’t do that, I did what you wanted, I well not put a show on for you and your friends. Not with Amanda, NEVER." Next I heard a sharp slap, I knew Susan had just been hit. I tried to get up, I was being held there unable to move. I fought, I started to scream, I felt a hand in my hair, sharp pain as my head was jerked up off the floor. Philip’s face inches from mine, his eyes a blaze, his teeth showing against his snarled lips, his command, I can’t even remember what it was, it just was, I just obeyed. His lips on mine, my heart beating so fast, my breast aching to be touched. A hand probing, my body being pulled to my knees, fingers exploring my wetness, pushing into me, my body responding, pressing against those fingers, pumping into those fingers, my toes curling, wave after wave of passion as my first orgasm passed thought my body. Being turned over, a face between my legs, my hand being forced to hold someone’s penis, then another. My hands responding to their owners needs, stroking them, caressing them. Another orgasms.

Philip’s eyes his demanding eyes, I’d obey, I’d do as he wanted, as my lust demanded of me. Oh my god, I was being used, becoming a plaything, an object to be used and abused as Philip and his friends so desired, and I wanted it more then they did. Philip saw that, Philip knew that, I was Philips slut, he could use me as he saw fit. That is when Philip held a jar in front of my face, Philip dropping the first quarter, then five more were added, I knew I wasn’t only Philips slut, I was Philip’s two bit whore, Susan had told him everything. I had no secrets left from Philip he knew all that Sue knew, my deepest and darkest secrets. In my humiliation I wanted to curl up, slink into a corner, but I couldn’t, I was over come by lust, a lust far worst then any sexual lust, a lust to be used, to submit to whatever Philip wanted. Sunday afternoon when I left Philip’s house, it was no longer Philip’s and Susan’s just Philip’s, there were nine quarters in my jar, nine men, nine men I’d please in every way they asked to be pleased.

Susan and I no longer saw each other, I’d call she’d refuse to talk to me. I knew this was Philip’s doing, Sue would not hurt me like this, not if she had a choice. I was only allowed her company when I was at Philip’s and I was only ever at Philip’s to be used. Donald knew, he couldn’t help but know, he should have kicked me out the door. He didn’t, he tried to pull me back, he tried to stop me. When he knew nothing would stop me he let go but he didn’t leave, he waited, he hoped and I suppose he prayed.

What drove me to this point in my life, what was I lacking, I don’t know, I surely didn’t like what was happening, at least when I wasn’t caught up in it. I became a fixture at Philip’s parties, his friends both the men and the women weren’t swingers, they were sadistic. Mean and abusive, sometimes physical, most of the time mental. I was used by both the men and the women, I was allowed to at least have true sex with the men. With the women, I wasn’t allowed that pleasure, I was touched, I was kissed, I was fondled, I was fingered, they used toys on me, sometimes hurt me but I wasn’t allowed to respond, I couldn’t touch, I couldn’t kiss back, I couldn’t make love. It was the same with Susan, Philip’s punishment for her refusing him that night, I suppose. He’d call us name, his dykes, his queers.

I learned quickly that I wasn’t allowed to communicate with Sue, when I did, I’d be punished, most of the time by being slapped hard by Philip. One time, tied spread eagle on the edge of a table, used, forced to submit. One time given as entertainment for one of Philip’s associate’s bachelor party. No not given sold, I had to take the money up front, Philip had to show me what a common whore I was. Men I didn’t know, lots of men, one after the other, two at a time, three at a time, protection only if they used it. My body, became a depository for their sperm. It was all so sick, I was sicker yet, I responded, I had orgasms, they wanted me to beg and I wanted them, so I begged. I got off on all of it, I got off on the humiliation. I got off on the look of triumph in Philip’s eyes. There was nothing I wouldn’t do, there was no debasement I refused to submit to. It wasn’t as bad for Susan, thank god, she was Philip’s wife, there was only so much he was going to force on the women he slept next to each night. I didn’t have that advantage, or maybe it was something about me, maybe Sue had a breaking point, maybe Philip knew not to cross that line.

What was wrong with me, I didn’t have to keep coming back for more, I hated my life, I lost interest in my children. I just couldn’t stop. I spent most of my time, legs drawn to my chest, arms around my legs, staring off in to oblivion. My obsession with my neighbors, became even more intense. I bought binoculars so I could see them better. I became depressed when they started fighting. I’d cry when the brunette would sit alone crying after one of their fights. I felt her pain, her grief when the stripper packed up and left one day. I wanted to hold her while she cried. I felt joy in my heart when she’d bring someone home, hoping she’d found someone, but feeling pain when I knew she hadn’t. When someone new finally did arrived in her life, almost a year ago now, I felt angry, I felt jealous. I hated this new woman, I wanted her gone. I compared her to the artist’s last lover, I picked her apart, I found fault with her hair, with her body, with her face. She wasn’t in my mind good enough for my friend, a friend I didn’t know. I was over the edge, I was insane. But I adjusted, I started to enjoying watching again, seeing their tenderness to one another, I started to like the one I had so hated.

I wasn’t rational, Donald should have had me committed. Physically, I was a wreak, I didn’t sleep, I eat continuously, going from one hundred and twelve pounds to over one hundred, sixty. I hardly talked to Donald, and when I did it was short and bitter. Michael didn’t come home from college hardly at all, I couldn’t blame him I’d only bitch at him. Kelly and Heather spent more time with Beth, their nanny, then they did with me. I really think they had started to fear me, fear their nutty mother.

I don’t know what changed, but something did. One night last winter after I’d gotten dressed to go to one of Philip’s parties, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like a slut, no worse, I looked like one of the woman I’d know who was on drugs and walked the street so many years ago. I thought about her, about how she’d been driven to her state, about how I had walked into mine with open arms. I thought about my many jars now full of quarters. Maybe I’d never been truly happy, but I looked so sad, so tried.

I went to Kelly’s bedroom, Heather was snuggled up next to her, as seemed to be the case most nights, she hates to sleep alone. I watched them sleep, I felt unworthy, I didn’t have a right to have such precious children. I stood in the doorway to Michael room, looked at his trophy’s, the posters hung on his wall, the picture of his girlfriend on his night stand. I thought of how I was driving him away, how much I loved him, how proud he made me feel. Tear fell, I couldn’t stop them, how had I gotten myself in such a state, how could I save myself?

I did go to Philip’s that night, I didn’t know how to save myself but at least I was admitting I needed saving. When I arrived, I submitted as usual, but this time I did so with a tear in my eye, a pain in my heart. I don’t know what Susan had done to upset Philip, but she was on her knees begging him not to hit her. Everyone was laughing at her, everyone felt her fear was funny. I looked at her, I looked at Philip, I couldn’t stand this one minute longer, I looked around, I saw my jar, one of many, almost full again. I picked it up, I walked to Philip, I looked him right in the eyes, not away, not downcast, I smiled at him, I lifted my head as if waiting for his kiss, defying him, his lips snarled at me, I swung my arm back, then forward with every once of straight I had, hitting him in the groan as hard as I possible could. As he doubled up in pain, I walked away, no one stopped me, no one even tried. As I walked away I gave Philip back his quarters, right thought his picture window. I wasn’t his two bit whore, not any longer.

Tonight I’m going back, tonight I’m going to save the one person I truly love, Susan. I’m stronger now, I know who I am, I have had some help in knowing myself, yes it was partly Donald and partly two others, your right if you guessed my neighbors. I didn’t do it, they did it for me, they made the move to invite the peeping Jane over, well the one I’d been so jealous of did. I’ve asked Diane to tell you that part of our story, that part of my life, it’s telling, it’s also loving, she said no, that is her life too. Yes Diane is my neighbor, how could I have ever been jealous of her. I don’t know that I’m a lesbian, but I do know that I can love a woman just as she does. I now run with Diane most mornings, her and her partner, we talk, we laugh, we are friends. I’m starting to look good again to. I feel good about myself. Oh one other thing, the butch/feminine thing is just a myth, they are both just woman, just like the rest of us.