All Comments on 'An Unorthodox Sales Contest Ch. 14'

wow so hot loved it. can't wait for more :-) thanks so much for continuing....

Let me start by saying that I loved the premise of this story, and I enjoy your writing (so much so that I have read through all 14 chapters, even though I probably should have stopped after chapter 9). So when I say this, it's coming from a person who would like to read more of your work.

You are telling two completely different stories, and this series has gone completely off the rails.

In one story, you have a company that is running a sales contest, wherein the wife of the loser gets gang-banged. In the other story, you have what basically seems like a women's "book of the month club" wherein they act like teenage girls discovering sex for the first time. Neither one of these stories is bad, but together they are RIDICULOUS, especially since we read the gang-bang story line first.

By the end of Chapter 4, these women have watched as all their husbands had sex with semi-reluctant women. They have been made to stand up, strip down to their underwear, and wait for a decision on whether or not they're going to be used for the sexual gratification of a room full of men.

Then in Chapter 9, that same roomful of women who have been to two extremely kinky gang-bangs is suddenly FASCINATED by the totally foreign idea of a handjob? And in that group, there are only two women who have ever given one? More than that, most of them are "horrified at the idea."

"Gee Samantha, it's one thing to let a room full of dudes that aren't my husband have their way with all three of my orifices... But touch a man's penis with my HAND?!? I dunno... Sounds intimidating!"

The sex toy chapter was similar, and this chapter, with the spankings, is more of the same. The idea that this is exotic and unknown to these women absolutely does not fly after you have put the same women through several months of the sales competition. It undermines the story you're trying to tell.

Your story is about Georgeanne, Bob, and George. It's about how Georgeanne is a witness to the sex acts, and how she has conflicting feelings about wishing she was the one the sex acts are happening to. It's about her relationship with her husband, who also may secretly want her to be the "loser" of the competition. And it's about Georgeanne and George (side note: one of those characters needs to be renamed), who want each other, but are struggling to play by the rules of the contest, so as not to be "cheating" with each other.

That right there is an incredibly compelling story. The farther you get away from it, the weaker your narrative is. All other characters only matter in terms of how they help to drive the story of your main characters, and should be used sparingly. Since the women's group meetings started, I lost track of who anyone was in this story. I had to go back to an earlier chapter to find the names of the people this story is supposed to be about. That's bad.

I think you'd be well served to take a step back from this series. Figure out the story you want to tell, cut out the rest, and tell it. If you find that you really are telling two different stories, then write two stories, and give this second one (about the women's group that discovers sex together) a fresh start, with a more fitting setting (I recommend they either be young, or have some legitimate reason to all be so sexually inexperienced).

Good luck. I look forward to seeing where you go from here.

Thank you so much. I've leaned several things from this tale. Not the least of which is exactly your point. These should have been a number of different stories. In the future they will be. However, I've noticed that there are folks that want to read it to the end, which, by the way, it does actually have.

If you noticed, I got stuck for a while, but wanting to put up only chapters (i.e. stories) that are short enough for a single read and have something that folks want to read, I let it sit for awhile. The chapters are and were written, but on second read, they needed reworking so I backed off and put up several other stories while I let this one rest.

As it is, after it "went off the rails" I've kept each chapter to be a story within itself or no more than two chapters. "I'm it" is one chapter. "New Moon" may prove to be too many at 5 or 6.

If you're interested, ask me. There are a number of other things I've learned.

Please keep these comments coming. They are really instructive.