April Fool's Revenge

"No, please I don't want to kick you out of your bed, you sleep here and I'll sleep on the couch."

"Nothing doing. You really need a good night's sleep to deal with things and you won't get that on the couch. How about this?" I had found an old T-shirt that was about a size too big for me, so it would probably go down to her knees on Rachel. As I turned to hand it to her to try on, she was on her tip-toes to give me a kiss on the cheek and as I turned our lips met. Her eyes grew very wide but she never broke contact and the little kiss on the cheek went from a chaste peck to a full-on romantic kiss. She closed her eyes and we just stood there kissing for a moment, her tongue darting out to touch my lips. Suddenly coming to her senses she grabbed the shirt and darted to the bathroom.

Holy crap! I just made out with my sister. Mr. Wiggly was straining against his constraints. My head was mush. The room spun. I shook my head and pulled an extra blanket out of the top of the closet and grabbed my spare pillow, the one I usually tucked between my knees at night and headed for the couch. I peeled off my shirt and stripped down to my trunks. Making up a bed as best I could on the couch, I removed the glasses and plates to the sink. The pizza box went over on top of the garbage can and I picked up Rachel's toothbrush and stuff and walked down the hallway to give them to her. I knocked on the bathroom door.

"Got your toothbrush." Rachel opened the door to display her nightshirt.

"Ta-da!"

"Very fashionable, so chic," I commented. She twirled around modelling the shirt tenting her little 5'5" body. She definitely got Mom's genes, not Dad's. The voluminous cotton covered her down past her knees. I handed her the new toothbrush. Rachel opened it while I dug out my toothpaste and my toothbrush. By the time I had toothpaste on my brush, she had hers out and I squeezed a dollop on the bristles. We stood there in front of the mirror brushing away as I watched her in the mirror. You really wouldn't know we were related from looking at us. Rachel is this tiny, graceful fairy with delicate features and lovely brown hair with natural blonde and red highlights, stunningly beautiful. I'm this broad-shouldered hulking guy with glasses, average looking I guess, with dirty blonde hair. We look nothing alike. Suddenly I realize she's looking at me as well. Not sure what to do, I give her a little bump with my hip, she almost swallows her toothpaste. She bumps me back. I give her a huge hip check, she skids almost to the tub. Rachel leaps and crashes into me, almost knocking me into the hallway.

"M'ok, m'ok, I gib up!" raising my hands in defeat with the toothbrush in my mouth and paste dribbling down my chin.

"You better or I'll skewer you," she says brandishing her toothbrush like a rapier.

I laughed and spit into the sink, grabbing a glass of water to rinse and spit again. We hadn't played like this since we were both kids. I grabbed my bath towel to wipe my face.

"Sleep tight, sis." I left her to finish readying for bed and headed to the couch shutting lights off on the way. Hearing Rachel snap off the bathroom light and return to my room, I turned over to face the back of the couch.

Laying awake for some time scheming about how to get revenge on Bobby, I had some good ideas but wondered just how far I wanted to go. As I pondered, I felt someone's presence behind me. I turned over to find Rachel standing over me, her thin arms wrapped around herself and chewing her bottom lip.

"Hey, what's up, sis?"

"I can't sleep." She sat down on the edge of the couch. "I just don't know I can face everyone tomorrow."

"You can't think about that." I reached up and brushed back some strands of hair that fell across her face. "You don't have to face anyone, stay the weekend, by Monday everything will have died down. You'll feel better in the morning after a good sleep." She nodded her head silently. I rubbed her lower back as I waited for her to respond.

"Brandon? Will you come back to your bed. Just hold me for awhile. I just need to feel safe. Please?" her eyes begged me to say yes.

"Sure. Okay." I grabbed my pillow and she led me by the hand to my room.

"You get in first," she ordered.

"Okay Miss Bossy." I climbed into bed and held the covers open for her to follow. Rachel got in facing me and snuggled up to my chest, almost in a fetal position. I threw the covers over her and tucked them around her. Fluffing my pillow and getting comfortable I relaxed against her warm body. God, she felt good next to me. I'd had the odd girlfriend and the odd one-night stand but I'd never slept with a girl without at least having sex first. It felt different, good. Before we fell asleep, I reached over and turned off the alarm to allow Rachel to sleep in as long as possible. I figured I'd skip class the next day and stick around to see what I could do to help. I listened to her breathing as it slowed and she relaxed. I figured that I'd wait until she fell asleep, then return to the couch.

"I love you you Rachel," I murmured.

"Love you too, Bran," came the muffled reply.

I awoke to find light streaming in from the window. I was in my bed as usual but someone was in bed with me. For just a moment I was confused as to what was going on, then remembered. I must have fallen asleep waiting on Rachel to fall asleep. I realized that I was spooning her, her perfect ass jammed up hard against my cock, my left arm across her body and my hand cupping one warm breast. Shit! After everything that happened to her yesterday if she wakes up and finds me feeling her up, she'll freak. I slowly lifted my hand away from her chest and let it lay on her cotton-covered stomach. My shirt had ridden up in the night and was bunched around her waist leaving her panty-clad bum nestled against my morning wood. I tried to move away, but when I did she murmured in her sleep and pushed her warm bum back against me. Again I attempted to move away but this just allowed my growing erection to lower, pushing against the fabric of my drawers and poking at her back.

Slowly I disentangled myself from my sister's sleeping body and slid out the other side. I stumbled to the bathroom and pissed and brushed my teeth. Returning to my room I checked on Rachel. Still asleep. I grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt and slipped out into the hallway to put them on. Sauntering into the kitchen started some coffee. Next out came the frying pan and I started cooking up some bacon. I dug around in the fridge and found a leftover farmer's sausage from last week. I sliced it up and tossed it in with the bacon to warm up.

I got out a second pan to begin heating and mixed up six eggs, a chopped up shallot, a minced clove of garlic, a chopped scallion, a splash of milk, a dash of Worcestershire sauce and a splash of red wine vinegar. Next I added basil, salt, pepper, some of my Ras al Hanout spice and a pinch of nutmeg. I drizzled some olive oil into the second pan and splashed a drop of water from the tap into the olive oil. While I was waiting on the pan to heat, I chopped up part of a red bell pepper, and opened a little can of chopped green chilis. I poured the egg mixture into the pan and let it cook for a second. I pulled an avocado from the bowl on the shelf and cut it in half digging out the stone. I took half of it and scooped it out onto a plate and sliced it.

Returning to the egg, I started piling in the filling for the omelette: sliced mushrooms, the farmer's sausage, chopped green chilis and a handful of baby spinach. I grated some aged cheddar and a couple of cubes of feta cheese over top. I folded a third of the omelette over and gave it a minute while I turned the bacon and put in a couple pieces of whole wheat bread in the toaster. Now I flipped the omelette over to cook the other side.

"Breakfast, sis!" I yelled down the hallway.

Getting two glasses out I filled them with ice cubes and filled them with water. Next two plates, I cut the omelette in half with the flipper and put half on each plate, topped it with slices of avocado, salted the avocado and topped it with some salsa. I split the bacon in two portions and put them on the plates and the toast popped and I buttered it and added it to the plates. Rachel stumbled into the kitchen as I was putting the plates down.

"Start with the water," I ordered, "you need to re-hydrate after last night's wine."

"God, my head is pounding!" she whined after taking a drink.

"Here's some Tylenol for the headache. Finish that glass of water and I'll get you some red grapefruit juice." Rachel popped the two Tylenol in her mouth and gulped down the rest of the water. "Good girl," I said sitting down with the jug of grapefruit juice.

Rachel started in on the bacon, then took a bite of omelette.

"Oh. My. God. This is incredible! Where did you learn to cook?" Her eyes went wide.

"Here and there. Some from Mom, some from Grandma. Cooking's basically chemistry with food. And I like good food," I explained taking a bite. I'm not your average college freshman, stale-pizza-guy.

"Mmmmm!" she moaned, savoring each bite. I insisted she finish her juice and another glass of water to get her completely re-hydrated.

Finishing, I got up and took my dirty dishes to the sink and started soap and water to wash yesterday and this morning's dishes. Rachel brought her dishes over and slipped them into the soapy water. I washed and rinsed the dishes and she took them out of the rack, dried them and put them away.

"So what's the plan?" she said.

"Well, you said last night you couldn't face anyone, still feel like that?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Okay, well, I think you should stay here for a few days if you can put up with my shithead of a roommate, so by the time you get dressed, it'll be mid-morning most of your sisters should be out or headed for the beach?" I ended it as a question and she nodded in the affirmative. "We'll go to your place and pick up some clothes, makeup and whatever else you need and bring it back here. You can have my room and I'll sleep on the couch." I paused, "Sorry for last night. I fell asleep and woke up this morning still beside you. Won't happen again."

"That's okay, Brandon, I wanted you to stay last night, needed you to be there. And you don't have to sleep on the couch, you can stay in your own bed with me if you like."

"Um, probably not the best thing things to do, being your brother and all."

"Whatsamatter? You don't like waking up next to your sister with a raging hard-on?"

"Oh, shit. You were awake for that? I was hoping you slept through that little fiasco."

"Pretty hard to sleep with a broom handle poking you in the back," she giggled.

"Aw fuck. I'm really sorry." I wasn't going to mention my hand on her boob unless she brought it up. Maybe she was asleep for that part.

"It's okay, big brother, I kinda liked it." More giggling. "I get it, you're a guy, you get a stiffie in the morning."

"Yeah, well it doesn't help when I wake up next to the most beautiful woman in the state."

"Awww, that's sweet!" she said patting my cheek.

I grabbed her wrist. "Hey Rachel, I'm serious. You are a beautiful, wonderful woman. Don't let this stupid crap get you down. These idiots," I said gesturing towards campus, "have an attention span of about two minutes. You wait a day or two and they'll have forgotten all about it. And fuck Bobby, he never deserved to have you."

Rachel put her arms around me and I held her close, inhaling her scent.

"Thank you, Bran."

"I love you, sis."

Rachel showered and then put back on her jeans. I told her to pick out whatever shirt she wanted of mine to wear and she came out of the bedroom wearing a striped dress shirt. It looked way better on her than it ever had on him.

As they went to leave the apartment, Rachel suddenly had a panic attack, refusing to go outside. Finally I gave her one of my ballcaps to wear and a pair of sunglasses and we walked the six block to her sorority house. We got lucky and there was no one in sight as we entered. She quickly packed a duffle bag with some clothes, makeup, toiletries, her school books and were coming down the stairs when we ran into Lucy, one of her friends.

"Oh Rachel, I can't believe what everyone is saying. I won't believe it's true!" Lucy threw her arms around my sister and gave her a big hug. She drew back and glanced at the duffel slung over Rachel's shoulder and the box I was carrying. "Where are going, Rachel? You're not leaving?"

"No Lucy, just going to stay with my brother for the weekend or until this all blows over."

"Oh, good. I didn't want to lose my bestie. What happened anyway, there's all these stories going around?"

Rachel related Bobby's prank to Lucy and that she broke up with him.

"What a jackass!"

"You said it. Listen Lucy, I need you to do me a favor."

"Sure, anything."

"Don't tell anyone I was here or where I am, 'kay? If anyone asks you heard I went home for the weekend?"

"Okay, will do."

"Thanks, Luce!"

We quickly vacated the sorority before we ran into anyone else. We threw everything in the back seat of the car and I drove back to my apartment. In theory we shared the car, in practice I had never even driven it before today. Just the way things had always gone up until yesterday.

I carried her box of things in and made room in my closet for her clothes. Pulling all my socks out of one drawer, I dumped them in my underwear drawer and left it open for Rachel to fill. Then wandered into the kitchen and pulled a beer from the fridge and sat down in my recliner and kicked back thinking.

Soon Rachel drifted in, saw me drinking, got a beer for herself and plopped down on the couch.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"I'm worth way more than a mere penny, chickadee. You want a shot at these dese here thoughts ya gots ta pay da big bucks!" Rachel smiled at my banter.

"Seriously, what do I do now?" I leaned over and grabbed my notebook that had my Chem notes from last night. I opened the book to a fresh page.

"Okay, I need some information on Bobby Piece O'shit. First what does he sleep in?"

"Sometimes nude, sometimes boxers."

"Does he have pop in his fridge?"

"Yes, he always has a couple of cokes."

"Good. What's his last favorite color?"

"Purple."

"Okay, what food does he usually have in there?"

"Um, he always has a flat or two of eggs, gallon of milk for his protein shakes, cheese, always has some steaks marinading, he eats steak like every other day."

"Do you still have a key to his apartment?"

"Yes."

"Okay we gotta act fast before he remembers that and has the locks changed. Do you have a key to his Camaro?"

"No, sorry."

"Not a problem. One of my buddies that works for AAA on the weekends driving tow truck. I can get a slim jim from him. Is Bobby allergic to anything?"

"Not that I know of."

"What's his class schedule?"

"He's got a full slate of classes on Mondays and Tuesdays, half a day Wednesday..."

"Okay that's good," I interrupted. "How about his roommates?"

"Pretty much the same. They all take the same classes together."

"Bachelor of Arts and Basketweaving," I mumbled under my breath. I started to make out a shopping list. Rachel watched me work for about fifteen minutes on the list.

"Okay gorgeous, let's go shopping."

We drove to Walgreens. Inside we picked up a jar of Vaseline, Triple O gelatin capsules, clear nail polish, four boxes of Ex-lax, a bottle of Nair hair remover, a tube of Icy Hot, a needle and some thread, a syringe, a bag of confetti, a box of medium latex gloves and a package on Mentos mints.

Next we hit the grocery store for dish soap, a box of baking soda, gravy mix, OXO chicken cubes, Saran Wrap, a spool of black thread and a big needle, a box of assorted food coloring, steel wool, superglue, powdered sugar, citric acid, eggs, a large catfish. On the way out I spotted a large community bulletin board that had all kinds of notices. There was a bunch of notices for free samples of Depends diapers, various women's products, one for hair restorer for bald guys. I took a coupon for each one.

Then onto Home Depot for a roll of farmer's wire and a box of Plaster of Paris. We were driving back to my apartment when I spotted a new apartment building being built. I pulled in and got out a pair of the latex gloves. Shoving them in my pocket, I went inside. I intended on asking one of the contractors if I could have a hand-sized batt of pink insulation, but there was no one around and no one answered my hails. On the second floor were several rooms with the insulation and vapor barrier installed but no drywall as of yet. Pulling on the latex gloves, I pulled the plastic barrier off and ripped off chunk of insulaton as big as my hand. I took the glove off inside out so the insulation was now inside the inside-out glove.

"What's that?" Rachel asked as I got back in the car.

"Insulation."

"Do you have any idea what you're doing?" she asked.

"Trust me," I said in my lowest voice and waggling my eyebrows a la Groucho Marx.

Arriving back at the apartment I left our purchases in the car except for the gelatin capsules, the gravy mix, the Ex-lax and the catfish. Inside I took out the capsules and started Rachel filling the capsules with gravy mix. I took the catfish and laid it on a piece of newspaper inside the BBQ and closed the lid to get it nice and warm. Back inside I took the 4 boxes of Ex-lax and popped all the pills out of the blister packs, I put them on a cutting board and used one of Jimmy's 30 lb. hex dumbbells to crush the white pills into powder, then I swept all the powder into a baggie and sealed it. Then I helped Rachel with the rest of the gravy capsules and put them in a third baggie.

Next we filled out the various registration forms for free products I'd got at the grocery store, all in Bobby's name and address. Pulling out my laptop out I set Rachel on signing up Bobby on every gay dating site she could find. Gaydar.net, Soulmates.theguardian.com, Gay.com, by the time I had got back from mailing the coupons she had him signed up on 15 sites with his cell number and a number of compromising photos from her cell phone.

That night I took her out for dinner to nice family Italian place I knew of. I dressed up in some black jeans and a sports jacket and cream dress shirt with a pair of black leather oxfords. I sat nursing a beer when Rachel emerged wearing this sexy, very short, black mini-dress that left me absolutely breathless. She walked towards me in these black, five-inch platform high heels with ankle straps and slid onto my lap, putting her arms around my neck. Her scent was intoxicating. I was hard immediately causing Rachel to giggle.

"Well, big brother, are you ready to go? 'Cause someone sure is!"

"Good god, you're a tease! How's a little brother supposed to keep sane with you looking like that."

"Whoever said I wanted you sane?" she murmured as she first kissed my cheek and then nibbled her way down my neck.

"Oh my god, you are going to make me cream my jeans right here woman. You can't do this to your brother, it's not fair."

"Who said life was ever fair?" she teased as she nuzzled at my neck gradually working her way back up and nipping at my ear lobe.

"Aaaugh! I don't want to do this!" I finally yelled. Rachel sat up with a very hurt look on her face.

"No.. please... I didn't mean..." Rachel bolted from my lap. I reached out and snagged her wrist, preventing her flight.

"Let go!"

"No." I pulled her slowly back onto my lap. She fought me the whole way. I wrapped my arms around her body, pinning her arms to her side and held her very tight. "Rachel, honey, that didn't come out right. I want more than anything for you to continue, but we can't... it's not right."