As I Am

"Yes?" he prompted me to say what I had come to say.

I forced myself to snap out of it and get back to the reason that I was there. "I do like you, Nick. The person that I'm not overly fond of is me. I have some self-esteem issues and I have this need in me to be... wanted. I guess that's right. I need to be envied and looked at and preened over. But I also want to be treated like I'm more than my looks at the same time. I know that's fucked up and I'm sorry that I did that to you. I just kinda transferred all my insecurities onto you. The thing is, I want to be better. For you. I want to be with you. It's wonderful that you don't need to flaunt yourself. I envy that. It's one of the many things about you that I'm so drawn to. And if I'm the only one that ever gets to see you looking like a sex god... well, there's nothing to be upset about there. I promise you that I will never cheat on you. I will never intentionally lie to you. I will never use you or steal from you. So... If you can handle the fact that I need to have strangers, and sometimes friends, fawning over me in order to feel good about myself; If you can deal with me flirting, knowing that it will never, ever, cross the line into infidelity; If you're willing to take a risk with me; I would be honored if you would consider me your boyfriend."

"Yeah?" he grinned.

I nodded, "Please."

He squinted at me. "Exactly how much flirting are we talking about here?"

I chuckled. "You've seen me at the club. Being flirty and friendly is in my job description. It won't go past that. I promise. I'm not a cheater. I've been fucked over like that too many times to ever do something like that. I have this problem with too much imbibing leading to sex with random strangers, but even when I'm blind drunk, I don't cheat. I've tested the theory." He squinted at me again, disbelievingly, and I shrugged. "I'm loyal to the man that I'm dating. It's just ingrained in me."

He smiled. "Okay."

"Okay?" My voice went up an octave in excitement. "Really?"

"Yes," he nodded. "Did you really think that I'd reject you?"

"Yeah," I admitted with a smirk. "I kinda did. I even have dinner reservations for us because I thought I'd have to spend more time convincing you and I thought a nice dinner might sweeten the deal a little."

He glanced over me, taking note of my plain white t-shirt, faded jeans, and steel-toed boots.

I smirked wryly, knowing exactly what he was thinking. "It's not a fancy place. It's a hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint. But they have the best tamales that I have ever eaten."

"Oh my God," he moaned. "How did you know?"

I shuddered at the sudden rush of heat to my groin at the sound of his moan. "Sarah told me it was your favorite food."

He nodded enthusiastically. "Do I have time to change?" he asked, tugging on the bottom of his t-shirt and glancing down at his feet. "I don't think they'll let me in barefooted."

I laughed. "Yes."

He turned around and rushed up the stairs, shouting back over his shoulder. "Make yourself at home. I'll be right back."

"Take your time!" I yelled up to him. "Don't hurt yourself!"

There was an excited bounce in my step as I wandered through the living room. I had never been so happy in my life. I really wanted chase him up the stairs and kiss him, but I knew that if I started that, we'd never make it to dinner. I attempted to distract myself by checking out his setup. He had a couch and two recliners, all in this soft suede, and everything was made of wood. Real wood, not the laminated particleboard in my apartment. He had bookshelves full of actual books, movies, and tons of video games. He also had a huge, flat-panel TV on the wall and four... count them, four... game consoles.

"You got reservations at a hole-in-the-wall?" he called down.

"Yes," I replied. "It's not a normal reservation for a table. I reserved food. It's a first come, first served, but they only serve the tamales until they run out and they're pretty popular. The owner also owns this bar that I like to hang out at. I got them to hold some for us as a special favor."

"So we have time for you to follow me downtown so I can drop off Sarah's car?"

"Sure. Not a problem. It's on the way anyway."

He was silent for a long while so I called up, "Do you work from home?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Four game consoles," I explained.

"Oh." I could hear the rumbly sound of his laughter. "That's only part of it. The system is up here in the spare bedroom. It's too much equipment for down there."

I didn't know enough about computers to figure out why a gaming system would need an entire room. I didn't want to advertise my ignorance so I didn't ask.

"Did you want to see it?"

I turned around at the sound of his voice coming down the stairs and nearly swallowed my tongue. He was wearing tennis shoes again but they were solid black this time. His jeans were low-rise, faded in all the right places, not tight, but just snug enough to show off his assets. Tucked into his jeans, he was wearing a solid black t-shirt that fit him like it was made for him. It didn't put him on display but it was form-fitting enough to give a teasing impression of the incredible physique that lay underneath. He'd left the glasses behind, and he wasn't squinting, so I assumed that he was wearing contacts. He was carrying a dark green button-down that I knew was going to compliment his eyes perfectly.

I couldn't have stopped the moan of appreciation if I had wanted to so I didn't bother to try.

He shot me his adorable crooked grin.

"You didn't have to do this for me, Nicky." My voice was so saturated with lust that the neighbors could probably hear it. "I meant what I said. I like you the way you are."

He sighed with a sympathetic grin. "This is me, Nash. Look, last night I was dressed like that because yesterday was laundry day. I had taken out my contacts because I had every intention of falling asleep on the couch in front of a movie when Sarah and Alli showed up and dragged me, kicking and screaming, to the bar. My hair... well... Jim was my hairdresser. After he dumped me, I just started cutting my own hair. Sarah has been trying to do something about it for months but I was being stubborn. But, nonetheless, that was me too. And sometimes I like to get all dressed up in a nice suit and tie, but not often. It doesn't change anything. I'm not always going to look good. I like to be comfortable and I'm essentially a nerd. I need to know that you're okay with that. I can't have a relationship where I'm constantly feeling the need to look a certain way or behave in an acceptable manner in order to make you like me. I'll flip my shit and I'll have to start taking anti-psychotics if I have to pretend to be someone that I'm not in order to be with you."

I couldn't stand the pain in his eyes, he looked so exposed and vulnerable. I stepped into his personal space and threaded my fingers through his hair. I pulled his face to mine so that the tips of our noses were brushing against each other. "Nicky." His name left my lips on a breath of air. "I don't give a rat's ass what you wear. Yes, you are the sexiest man that I have ever met. But you impressed me with your mind and heart and soul first, not your body. You are an amazing man and I don't ever want you to be anything except who you are. Yes. Everything that you said about me, that was true. All I ever saw was what was on the outside. But I'm not that way anymore. I've changed. You've changed me. You've opened my eyes and shown me what's important. You make me laugh. You treat me like my thoughts and feelings and opinions matter. The first time in my life that I was ever truly happy was when I was just sitting on the couch with you taking about nothing and everything. And being with you has only made me happier every minute since. So be a nerd. I don't care. As long as you're MY nerd."

"So you'd be okay if I wore a pocket protector and a bow tie?" he teased.

"Sure," I grinned. "As long as it was all that you were wearing and the bow wasn't tied around your neck."

He laughed, "You're such a dork."

"Yes," I agreed. "But I'm YOUR dork."

"Yeah you are." He tilted his head enough to bring our lips together in what he intended to be a gentle kiss. But I couldn't resist his luscious mouth so I snaked my tongue out and licked his bottom lip. He moaned into my mouth and I was lost. His kisses set my body on fire with the raw sensuality of them. He had to be the one to break the kiss because I never would have. "Tamales," he croaked.

"Oh yes," I replied, remembering that we had somewhere to be. I entwined our fingers together and led him out the front door. "We should feed you now because I plan on spending the entire night working those calories off you."

"Okay," he chuckled. "But we're coming back here. Your bed is as hard as a rock."

"My bed's not the only thing that's as hard as a rock," I teased.

"Good. I've got just the place for that," he taunted.

I froze and pivoted on my heel to face him. "Seriously?"

He stopped walking, shifted on his feet, chewed on his bottom lip, and fidgeted with the shirt still in his hand. "Yeah. Is that okay?"

I moved in a rush and had my body pressed into his from neck to knees in less than a heartbeat. I dug my fingers into his silky hair and held on for life and my sanity. "You want me to top?" I crooned. "You want me inside you, Nicky?"

"Yeah. Is that okay?" he repeated.

"Holy fuck, Nicky." My voice was so strained with desire that it sounded like someone else entirely. "That is so okay, I can't even begin to tell you. I've never been with anyone who liked it both ways before. Everyone has either been a confirmed top or bottom. You are so fucking perfect for me."

He rewarded me with his lopsided grin. "But, Nash, you've got a big dick, so you're going to have to take it easy on me... At first."

I growled, "I am so close to saying, 'Fuck the tamales.' and dragging your gorgeous ass back in the house to fuck that instead."

He smirked. "You promised me tamales, Nash. Feed me first and then you can spend the rest of the night fucking me."

I took a deep breath to try to calm the blood pounding through my system. I glanced up at the Heavens and shook my head. Either I wasn't making myself clear or he needed the reassurance of hearing the words. I dropped my eyes back down and locked gazes with him so he'd have no lingering doubts about how much I meant what I was saying. "No, Nicky. We'll feed you first and then we can spend the rest of our lives making love to each other. Okay?"

He chewed on his bottom lip for a second and then nodded. "Yeah. Okay."