All Comments on 'Assassin's Adventures Ch. 01'

Good start

Great start keep it up.

It has a lot of potential.

I think you should make it a little less 'direct' between Alex and Melissa... unless it's going to be that kind of story where the hero ends up boffing everyone and has a harem (no problem with that at all). She's a princess she's used to having power; so, a little bit of contest and pursuit doesn't go astray. And jealous competitiveness usually works wonders in dissolving that pursuit and turning the tables..

Okay, I have to.say, you're definitely drawing me in with your premise.

At first, I wasn't sure that it would be worth anything; John Wick minus the sympathetic hero and the cute dog. Then it turned into the X-men, which... Eh? But then things got thrown onto their head and the protagonist wasn't an all-powerful being anymore, which is when things got good.

When you continue this series, keep this in mind. While a character with too much power might be great for wish-fulfillment on the part of the author, it really sucks when it comes to actually writing good fantasies. What makes a story interesting to read is when the characters face believable obstacles that actually require them to grow or figure out a solution, rather than just brushing them aside.

Remember, if a character can overcome an obstacle without breaking a sweat, then it wasn't really an obstacle, just a bit of fluff to provide description or show how badass the character is. Why does that matter? Because the key that makes a good story tick is character growth. That's not just limited to a change in outlook or mental traits, by the way, although those are the most important. It also includes the characters' ability to overcome obstacles - give him somewhere to grow into.

You've partially achieved this with the mastery over the ring and the lack of knowledge about the world that he's in, but your protagonist still has god-like reflexes and superstrength. That means you've got to be somewhat careful about the direction you take this story, because it could be wayyy too easy to never throw a challenge at him. I, for one, would love to see something like this:

He's in a magical realm now, right? So things are done differently. I would expect that the majority of combat, at least personal combat rather than a battle between footsoldiers, s done magically, something which the protagonist doesn't have much experience at. What he does have going for him is his physical prowess, so as he grows into controlling the ring, in important fights, he can "fight dirty," so to speak. (And in fact, while he's practising and sparring in town, they would probably be furious with him for that, and consider it base and dishonorable.)

Now, that's just one direction you could take things, and I look forward to seeing what you do with it. This is a great first effort and shows a lot of promise. Keep up the good work, and show that you're invested in this, and I would consider taking you on as an editee.

Cheers,

DarkSable.

I'm going to keep reading. Can't wait to see what happens next.

Love it

Lots of room for story arcs and side stories. Nine against one sounds like a bit of a problem, however having a huge blacksmith and a princess on ones side should help some. Looking forward to the next installment.

really good premise. now flesh it out please... :)

You have my attention to see where this goes so far. So lets see how it develops.

Brilliant start can't wait to read what comes next it reads as if could be a long series, hope it will be.

I immensely enjoyed the aspect of the MC being an assassin. Looking forward to future releases.

Will be looking for the next chapter!

Thank you

Well begun and an offer for editing. i do not agree with everything DarkSable had to say but i do agree that there is sufficient evidence of a great story here. (don't leave it hang too long attention spans round here are short.) But DS has pointed out some of the many more common tropes that ruin a good tale.

The 'best assassin' didn't think to use sound suppressed guns?

So far not a bad story. Why do you use backwards apostrophes???

Neither condemnation nor approbation, but the story comes off very comic-esque or cheesy action movie.

If that's the goal then you're doing great. If not you need to layer in some more realism. Yes, I know it's a fantasy story with magic and demons, but that doesn't keep the 'normal' things from being portrayed realistically.

If you're looking for immersive, the more realistic the better since it strains the reader's belief less. For the magic bits, make sure you know what your magic can't do and stick to it (even if you don't ever let the readers know what the limits are). Obviously magic has to have limits or the story has no conflict. If magic can do anything why has somebody already used it to solve the problem or win the battle?

Like the story hate to beg. If your writing for positive feedback life is going to suck, only about one in thirty readers will even bother to vote. A third of the comments will be from idiots with an axe to grind. That being said if you like to write I love to read and this was a pretty good star.