All Comments on 'AU Ch. 01'

Awesome!

Only criticism - proofread more. Especially punctuation & spelling.

Really nice story; I can't wait for more!!!

Me likes!!

Hope u can post more soon as I really want to read it!

Only thing is when u change "povs" it sometimes gets confusing.

<3

I can't place it, but this story seems so achingly familiar that it's nagging and frustrating the heck out of me. I don't know if was on FanFic or what, but I'm going to figure this one out.

You have a great beginning and I would like to see you continue. I would love to see how Justin's and Mark's friendship evolve, find out how Mark's and Maddox's relationship progresses and can't help but wonder if Todd is really supportive of his friend or harboring hidden desires for Mark. With that being said...

Please proofread your work. Spellcheck and reading it backwards can help you catch some of the glaring mistakes. I know it's hard to find someone close to you to proof your gay lit, but literotica has people who are willing to assist you. Some of the errors committed in this story turned what could have been delightful reading, somewhat torturous at times.

I was afraid you were going to pair Justin and Mark--I'm so glad it's Maddox, with Justin being sanity on the fringe...or at least that's the way it feels. It's great fun!

I really enjoyed this. I hope you continue on with the plot you have set up.

I loved this, absolutely loved it.

Yes, a couple words were misspelled; and, yes, the punctuation needs a little work – especially in terms of pauses and maybe some quotation marks – but I didn’t think any of that brought this chapter anywhere near “torturous”. I’ve seen far worse. Or, rather, I should say I’ve made it about halfway through far worse before just giving up.

Justin is pricelessly adorable; the connection between Mark and Maddox is incredibly intense and I love the rhythm with which you write. They each have their own ‘frequency’, so to speak, and the images you paint around each character made me believe in them wholeheartedly and sucked me into this world wholeheartedly. I also found the perspective changes smooth and clear enough to follow comfortably.

My favourite aspect of this story is how none of the characters plays the role that would normally be expected of them based on how they look or where they come from.

Julian is the delightful little ‘flutterby’ one would expect to be fickle and of little substance – yet he’s the Psych major (that I suspect will be helping Mark and Maddox sort through their pasts and their hearts). Mark has the ‘don’t give a fuck’ look with a ‘take me or leave me’ attitude – yet he has such admirably honourable goals focused on helping others and is extremely responsive to the people around him. And Maddox – the biggest, toughest hunk on the block – is the one readers will want to protect most as his warped views of himself reveal how lost he is. We’ll be rooting for him every step of the way to get to truly SEE himself.

By the time I got to the end I might have let out a slight scream… a slightly huge one, that is. I didn’t see that ending coming until they were walking into it; and I loved that you gave nothing away about Maddox’s job so that the surprise could make the most powerful impact once it was sprung. I was certainly stunned. And excited. What’s next? What’s next? What’s next?!?

My apologies for rambling on like this, but have I mentioned that I love this story? All in all, I think what I’m trying to say here is: thank you for gifting me with a new addition for my Favourites list.

Blessings,

AH

I loved this so much I finally delurked and got myself a literotica account so that I could beg you to hurry up with chapter 2! I can't wait to find out where it goes from here! :-)

Can't wait for more!

Absolute adoration of your story. I can't wait to read more.

You have a LOT of growing to do as a writer. When you're making a name plural, you add 's to it. So Mark would be Mark's, not Marks. That really put me off.

What also put me off was your excessive use of the word "happily". Everybody does not do everything "happily." Maddox followed "happily." "As soon as those lovely fingers touched him Maddox moaned happily." "He coated Maddox's hands and chest with it and panted jerking happily in the few final strokes before Maddox released him and sighed surveying the mess."

You also really need to start using commas. It should be: As soon as those lovely fingers touched him, Maddox moaned happily."

Another thing: The transition from one character's point of view to another. It needs work. I had to keep pausing, because one minute I'm reading Mark's pov, and then, without warning, you're in Justin's or Maddox's pov in the very next paragraph. You might want to separate their pov's using asterisks *, or dashes. So, something like this:

Maddox looked up at Mark's green eyes and he felt as if his world had been turned right side up after it being so upside down with Trissta. He stopped thinking of everything his entire life had been about up to this point and just went with what he was feeling. Trissta leaving had given Maddox the chance to find himself and to find true actual love. Love with another man hell maybe even love with this man.

*****

Mark couldn't keep his lips to himself anymore and he met Maddox's mouth with his own. He felt the man wrapped in his arms under the pretense of being taught pool jolt in surprise and stiffen for a fraction of a second. Mark was just starting to form the feeling of regret and fear when he found Maddox's lips respond under his kissing back shyly as if completely unsure how kissing was done. Mark shifted and took the pool cue from the other man's hands and placed it along side his own on the green felt of the pool table. He turned Maddox to face him and caressed his face gently pushing some hair back.

Thank you everyone for the feed back. I didn't notice I used happily so much and will make sure to look for that in chapter two. Thank you SoullessCynner for pointing that out for me. I have chapter two nearly done and have two editors. I know my grammar is terrible, but I wanted to get this out to see if it was even worth hunting down and editor. I hate wasting peoples' time. AzanianHeat, your comment made my week. Now that I have editors it should be easier to get through and I will separate point of view change. I personally find ~~ or ** distracting and I thought it took away from the story but that was a repeated criticism so it will be fixed. Thank you everyone else for both positive and negative feed back. Both help me out a lot in different ways.

I'm with AzanianHeat - perfect grammar, spelling and punctuation are lovely but they won't help a story that has no spirit or plot.

You, however, have a fantastic beginning! That ending was such a surprise, and the idea that these two are going to face such obstacles but have so much to offer one another is pretty delicious.

Can't wait for your next chapter, but take the time you need to make it everything you want it to be :-)

Keep up the good work. You're really good at this, i cant believe its your first post. I loved the story and cant wait to see where its headed.I read some of the other commentators, so I am glad you got some help. get all the help you feel you need. It adds to the fun, and you'll meet some nice people as well. I dint find any major errors myself. this is for enjoyment it's not supposed to be an English term paper.LOL! It's a learning process. Trust Azenianheat's message as its right on. the only "torture" i got was now i gotta wait for chapter 2! Rats!

thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. well job done.

very nice work, can't wait for another chapter.

I like it alot. you do a good job with descriptions so the reader can create pics of the places they are etc and I like that as a rule. You brought Maddox to life and really gave us a view into who he is. Mark also was revealed a little but I hope to get to know more about his past. Keep writing!

WHY IS ALL THESE GOOD STORYS DONT GOT A SECOUND PART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U LEFT ME HANGING ;(

Are posted? I don't know how to make them be in a series and I am still looking for the help section on how to do that. Sorry please look at my page.

i was looking forward to reading this series, but i lost interest after maddox was first mentioned.

but up until then, i think it was wonderful!

also, there were some spelling and syntax errors.

maybe you should find a better editor.

good job!

Its a good romantic story but i've read some of your other work and am sure you do best when writing in the first person POV.

I'm loving it ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐