All Comments on 'Aurion Ch. 01'

Interesting amazing exciting sexual

I really hope to see more of this. It is one of the best starts I have seen to a story on this site in a very very very long time. Thank you for sharing.

But you need an editor!

I can't wait for more. You should try to proof read after you spell check. Several sentences were mangled badly by 'corrected' words.

Your Marine background is serving you well.

Looking forward to your further efforts.

the content is good but it is moving too fast

plus you need a editor

and you need to tell some background in the next chapter

also in the author's section put up some note about the progress of the next chapter

these things will vastly improve the story

this has been one of best starts that I have read in a long time!1

I loved this first chapter and can't wait for the next..pls don't keep me waiting

I appreciate all of the advice I've gotten from you guys. I do apologize about the lack of editing, I was anxious to see if it would be enjoyed enough to make posting future chapters worth your time. The truth is, I have several stories already in my head. It is something I used to do to keep my mind off of pain, hunger or boredom, so several full stories accumulated over three tours and a few months laid up on my back in a hospital bed. I hadn't even thought to write or post anything until last week when I realized a few of the stories I had read on Literotica reminded me of minor elements in my own head-then I started to wonder if there were other people that might enjoy them and here we are. I will try to get another chapter submitted to Literotica this weekend but I write on my iPhone unless I'm at home, so it can be a little tedious if I have a busy schefule. However, it should be up early next week.

The next chapter will give a deeper look into the backgrounds of certain kingdoms and tribes within the Empire, as well as a little background on the historical battle with the Frost Giants years prior. I might be an American but I've always loved the histories of other people and countries. Especially the Greeks, Romans and Persian's. So, tales of Hadrian's Wall and the Legionaires defending it against the Picts, huge Wolf packs and imagined Monsters. This inspired me to use the whole "building a civilized empire South of a man made wall. (Sorry GoT fans! I like the show and think it is well made but it doesn't really mesh with the stories I've mentally composed. Expect me to use historical cultures as models as much as Fantasy elements). To any other veterans or weapons enthusiasts, my stories set in modern worlds will include some cool toys that used or became familiar with (or grateful to, thank the gods for the A-10 ground support planes and their rotating 30mm cannons).

Again, thank you all for reading and offering your support and advice. I'm putting Chapter 2 on paper as soon as I finish this post. Expect more soon!

Keep up the good work don't make us wait

My only complaint is you need of an editor. I am not one of the grammar Nazis here but I stumbled a few times with you wording. Keep it up and welcome to the geek brotherhood.

Your descriptions of the Xia are very reminiscent of the tribes of the Asian steppes. The actual Xia (sometimes referred to as XiXia or Tangut) were developing into urban rivals of the Song dynasty in China, but they were conquered and absorbed by Temujin and his Hordes as punishment for their perfidious betrayal. Many of his technical and engineering advisers were from Xia. Temujin, and most of the Mongols of the steppes were Caucasians or Turkish; Temujin himself was described as red-haired with grey eyes. The modern appearance of Mongolians didn't happen until after Kublai Khan completed the conquest of Song China, and all the Chinese women were carried off to Mongolia.

Interesting story. Quite strongly painting Michael as Other, as either an angel or an avatar of some unnamed deity. With Talasa, Diana, and Kokochun in tow, he's already being cast in the traditional hero mold, too.

Editor or reader would be good. Odd page breaks, too. I'd recommend, if you aren't using italics or bold or such, to paste it from Notepad (strips out all character formatting), and make sure when you copy, word wrap is OFF; that way, the HTML will wrap as needed for the text margins on Literotica.

Your story has a lot of potential. Hope you find an editor that you are comfortable with. God bless all current and former "jar" heads.

LesbianLumberjack

FUCKIN AMAZING!!! Can't wait for chapter 2!!!!!!

Hey! Awesome start to your story there. Really good. A human meets an orc woman who challenges him to be her slave, wins the day and she becomes his before taking him back to her encampment to meet the not so friendly green in-laws. It’s so good I could have almost written it myself!

Wait a minute! I DID write it myself! That’s the beginning of The Missing Dragon!

Yes, my eyebrow steadily raised towards the ceiling during your opening few pages. I don’t know if it’s just a coincidence, but the similarities in the plot points are a bit staggering.

Anyhoo, no harm done. After the middle of this story you set out on a different path from mine and your writing shows a clear love for classical fantasy and world military history. The only problem is that, like some other people said, it does sometimes feel like I’m reading the cliff notes in a history textbook. Your ideas are great and your style is interesting. Normally I find sort of “formal fantasy” dialogue to be quite frustrating, because it usually lacks versatility. For instance, humour is sometimes difficult to put across effectively. You do it well!

I think your problem is that you’re a little too keen to explore and to world-build. Nothing wrong with that at all, but earning the loyalty of legionnaires and tribal horse archers could take up whole stories. You gloss over them in a few paragraphs! Slow down, take your time, flesh out the characters and the writing a bit more. It’s like you’ve taken the advice “less is more” and taken it way too far.

Stop and smell the roses once in a while, ok? Even that last sex scene with the hot warrior girl was just one paragraph and barely mentioned. This is a site dedicated to sex stories! Ease up a little!

Also, as others have said, you need an editor. (Every writer needs and editor.) I see you’ve just started posting here on Lit and I know what it feels like to put your stuff out there and get a positive reaction. I didn’t edit several of my first offerings after that initial rush (“They like me! They really like me!”) and now I regret it. A lot. You said you write on your iphone sometimes, and that shows dedication. Still, when you’re finished take the time to sit down at the computer and go over what you’ve written. You’ll be a whole lot better off for it. You’ve also got enough talent and you’re good enough that you might be able to attract some of Lit’s volunteer editors on the forums to help you out.

Good ideas all around here. Even the one’s that weren’t mine. ^_~

Look forward to seeing what you come out with next, and if you want any help from me then feel free to tag me on the forums. I don’t proofread or line edit but if you have any questions or need any help with anything I’ll do my best. Looking forward to chapter 2!

What a great start and very easily worth 5 stars. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

first off theres not much sex, and a lot of game of thrones references, longclaw, warden of the north, then marco polo, the tv show kokochun. so its quite weird and kinda irritating.

So far, this is proving to be an excellent story and what few typos there are, isn't really very distracting.

How tall is Michael?

Glossed over it as soon as I saw the orc had no personality. Skipped over the "challenge" that he doesn't even remember winning and she's just meek? What kind of challenge did he win? Who takes the roofies first?

If this is your first I can't wait to read all that you have written! I am enjoying!

Interesting start, enjoyed it somewhat and it seems a good first effort. But the editing is utterly atrocious. It looks to me that this story has never even been though even a rudimentary spell checker... If you can't be bothered taking the time to run it through spellcheck, why would you think readers will waist their time reading this mess?

what an a amazing story, specially for your first. love it and cant wait to read the rest of the chapters.

WOW. This is awesome. Very well put together, Can't wait for the rest.