Awakenings Ch. 05

I started laughing.

Jeanne asked, "What's so funny?"

"You just shattered one of my two greatest fears."

"Explain."

"I was afraid that you might fall in love with one of your boyfriends and decide to marry him."

"But now you understand just how unlikely that is."

"Yes."

"Michael I can't imagine ever developing an emotional attachment to another man that's stronger than the one I have with you, but if it ever does happen please understand that it could only be a temporary infatuation."

"It would still hurt."

"You do understand that it's much more likely to occur with you."

"You're talking about women throwing themselves at me."

"Women who are looking for a husband. You are fabulous husband material."

"I'm married."

"You are, but I'm not making any effort to hide my new life style."

"You're telling me that people are going to talk."

"I'm sorry Michael, I really am; but they already are."

"Yes, I'm sure the neighbors see the men coming to our house."

"Baby, I'm sorry. This is the life I want to lead and..."

"No it's okay. This is why I have to stay away. This is part of my journey. I either have to learn to live with your new life style or I have to..."

"Michael, that's why women are going to be throwing themselves at you. They'll see you as vulnerable."

"Jeanne if we do end up separating I promise you that I'll never marry another woman."

"When I make that same promise to you, you don't believe me. Why should I believe you?"

"And this is why I have to be gone for an entire year. We need time to reestablish just how important we are to each other."

"But during that time you could fall in love with another woman, divorce me and marry her."

"And while I'm gone you could decide that I'm an unnecessary burden that keeps you from fully enjoying life as a free loving libertine."

"No Michael, I need you. You'll never be a burden to me."

"And I'll never fall in love with another woman."

"Michael what are we going to do?"

"We're going to start working on building our new relationship."

"How are we going to do that? You're gone."

"You have to start living the life you really want to live. If you want to be a slut then you need to be a slut. You can't hold back."

"Won't that make things worse?"

"No it won't. It's the only way this can work. Jeanne I've thought about it. The only thing wrong with what you're doing is that it violates the accepted moral conventions of our culture. You've decided that those moral conventions aren't valid. Any compromises you make in the life you want to lead are compromises to beliefs that you've rejected. I fear those compromises could eventually cause you to feel dissatisfied. Even worse, if you view me as the cause of those compromises it might eventually lead you to feel resentment and even anger towards me. Jeanne, I believe that it's absolutely essential that you fully embrace your new life style."

"Michael, I don't want to hurt you?"

"You'll only hurt me if you stop loving me."

"I'll never do that."

"My job is to find a way to be confident of that. That means that I have to do what you did. I have to overcome the beliefs about sex and love that were instilled in me while I was growing up."

"Can you do that?"

"I'm going to try. It will help if you spend some time reassuring me that you still love me."

"How can I do that? You're gone. I don't get to see you. I don't get to talk to you. I don't even get to send you direct emails."

"We'll change that. I'll buy second cell phone. That will also allow you to contact me if there's an emergency. I'll get a second email address too. It will be for just you and me."

"Thank you, not being able to talk to you has been so difficult."

"Jeanne, we're still going to have to limit our communication."

"Why?"

"We've been together for a long time. We take each other for granted. You need to experience life without me and I need to experience life without you. We have to find out if we really do need each other."

"But I do need you. I can't bear the thought of living without you."

"Jeanne there are now going to be a number of other men in your life. I fear that you may eventually discover that you don't need me as much as you thought you did."

"No Michael, I'll always need you."

"The only way we can be certain of that is if you experience life without me. Jeanne when I come home I want to be confident that there will always be a place for me in your life."

"Michael there always will be a place for you in my life."

"How can you be sure of that Jeanne?"

Jeanne was silent. After a moment she said; "Okay you're telling me that you want me to live like I was a single woman."

"Yes, that would be one way to look at it."

"I guess I can do that."

"There's more."

"Okay, tell me."

"When you find a man you enjoy I want you to try dating him on regular basis."

"Michael are you trying to get rid of me?"

"No Jeanne, I'm not. What I'm trying to do is use the time we're apart to address some of the problems that are likely to occur after I return. I suspect that eventually you will find men that you enjoy both sexually and socially and you're going to want to see them regularly. That's going to be hard for me. I'm going to need some opportunities to get used to it."

Jeanne sighed. "You're right, I've already met a guy I like. He's called me a couple of times. I haven't returned his phone calls. Out of concern for your feelings I've been trying to limit my dates to one night stands."

"Remember what I said earlier. If this is going to work you're going to have to fully embrace your life as a slut. You also told me that if you do fall for a guy it will only be a temporary infatuation and you assured me that the men you date aren't looking for a wife. If this is going to work I have to be confident that all of that is true."

"Okay, I'll call him."

"What's his name?"

"Why do you need to know that?"

"If this is going to work we need total honesty. You can't hold anything back. We can't keep secrets from each other."

"I understand what you're saying, but won't this make it harder for you?"

"Maybe at first, but once I get used to it I think it will make it easier."

"All right, his name is Trent Peters. I met him at The Goldenrod Supper Club. I occasionally go there with some of the other secretaries in the building."

"I remember."

"He was there having a drink with a friend. I noticed him right away. He's very handsome." Jeanne paused for a moment and then she said, "I'm sorry Michael, I shouldn't have said that."

"No Jeanne, I'm glad you told me that. I have to get used to the idea that you're dating good looking men."

"I caught him looking at me several times. I started smiling at him. I decided that I wanted to meet him. I told the other women what was happening. They know you're gone and they know that while you're gone I'm dating other men. I haven't explained why you're gone and they've been discreet enough not to ask. I'm certain that they assume that we're having marital problems and for the time being I'm content to let them believe that."

"That makes sense to me."

"The women agreed that he was cute and encouraged me to go for it. I think they're all a little envious of me."

"I'm sure they are."

"I left to go to the ladies room. When I returned I looked directly at him. When he noticed me looking at him I gave him a wink. He smiled and winked back, so I sat down at an empty table and gave him a little head nod. It was an invitation to join me. He said something to his friend and then he picked up his drink, walked over to my table and introduced himself. I invited him to sit down and we started flirting."

"You enjoy flirting, don't you."

"Yes, I really do."

"Did you tell him you were married?"

"I didn't have to, he already knew. I always wear my wedding ring, even when I go out looking for men. The men I'm seeking won't be discouraged by a wedding ring. In fact if I'm sending the right signals it will encourage them."

"That makes sense."

"He did ask me about the ring. I confirmed that I was married but added that I occasionally enjoyed a little fun on the side. He told me that he was married too and also occasionally enjoyed a little extra fun." Concerned about how I was doing, Jeanne paused and asked, "Michael are you all right?"

I reassured her. "I'm just fine Jeanne."

"Do you want to hear more?"

"Yes, this is exactly what I need to hear."

"Are you mad?"

"No not at all."

"Are you sure?"

"Don't worry, I'm fine. If I start to get upset I'll warn you before it gets out of hand."

"Okay."

"He told you that he was married."

"Yes."

"What happened next?"

"I told him that you were out of town. He told me that his wife was at her book club meeting and wouldn't be home until at least 10:30. It was only 6:00 so I asked him if he'd like to come over to our house for a drink."

"Of course he accepted."

"He did. I wrote our address and my cell phone number on a napkin and told him that he should park in the garage. He followed me home. When I pulled into my side of the garage he pulled into your side and I closed the garage door behind us."

"Why didn't you just have him park on the street? You said that you weren't trying to hide your new lifestyle."

"I was trying to be considerate of you. That night Derek picked me up at the house I was indiscreet. I embarrassed you. I don't want to do that again."

"But you say that you're not trying to hide your new life style. Isn't that a contradiction?"

"I guess so. Michael this is all very confusing. I enjoy being a slut and I get a little thrill out of flaunting it in front of people, but I also don't want to embarrass you."

"Go ahead and flaunt it. Now that I've had a chance to think about all of this I'm not all that concerned about the opinion of our neighbors. Actually I have to admit that having a slut wife is kind of exciting."

"Really?"

"Yes really."

"Then get ready for a little excitement because your wife loves being a slut."

"You're enjoying this, aren't you."

"Yes I am."

"That's why I have to stay away for awhile. I want you to immerse yourself in this new life."

"I wish you were here. I'd like to share the excitement with you."

"Jeanne I'm not yet ready for that. I think I can handle hearing about your adventures, but actually witnessing them would still be difficult for me."

"I understand."

"I would like to hear more about your evening with Trent Peters."

"Are you sure? It might be painful for you. You do understand why he came to the house."

"Yes Jeanne, I understand why he came to the house."

"Of course you do. I'm sorry Michael. I'm still a little nervous about talking to you about this."

"And that's exactly why we have to talk about it. If I'm going to be part of your new life we have to be able to talk about it. You have to be able to tell me about your dates and I have to be able to hear about them without getting upset. Eventually I hope that I'll be able to enjoy hearing about them. Jeanne you're excited about your new life. I want to be able to share that excitement with you."

"I want that too Michael."

"If that's going to happen you have to start telling me about your dates, every detail."

"I understand and I'll do that, but first I need to ask you something."

"Go ahead."

"I've learned that I enjoy talking dirty. Would you be offended if I use some coarse language?"

I laughed. "No, in fact I think it would be fun. It might also help dispel that image of a proper wife and mother that you worked so hard to maintain for all those years."

Jeanne giggled. "I think that image is about to be shattered."

"I'm ready."

"Okay, here goes. When we got into the house I made two martinis. While I was doing that Trent was all over me. He was kissing my neck, fondling my breasts with one hand and rubbing my ass with the other."

"You loved it, didn't you."

"I did." Jeanne paused and then she asked. "Is that okay."

"Yes, it's okay. In fact it wouldn't be a very good story if you weren't enjoying it."

"You're right, it's just that...I don't know, this all feels so strange."

"And that's why we have to do it. We have to try to reach a point where it doesn't feel strange."

"Okay."

"Please continue, Trent was kissing your neck, fondling your tits and rubbing your ass."

"Yes he was, but I have to admit that while hearing you say that so casually is exciting, it's also a little unnerving."

"Now don't try to put me on that pedestal that you're you're working so hard to escape."

"Micheal honey, we've shared that pedestal for twenty-seven years."

"Maybe in your mind. In my mind I've been a dirty little pervert for the whole time."

Jeanne laughed, but then she paused. After a moment she said; "Michael, I'm sorry I was such a prude."

"It's okay, now back to Trent. You're making martinis and he's rubbing your ass."

Giggling, Jeanne said; "That's right. As soon as I finished the martinis we moved into the living room and sat on the couch. We clinked our glasses, took a sip of our cocktails and set them on the coffee table. I smiled at Trent. He kissed me. Our martinis were immediately forgotten. We started making out. In a matter of minutes we were both naked and I was on my knees between Trent's legs sucking his cock."

Suddenly realizing how excited she sounded, Jeanne stopped. There was a long uncomfortable silence. Finally she said, "Michael I'm so sorry that I've never done that with you."

There was more silence. Jeanne waited. I didn't respond. Her intuition had been correct. I was hurt.

"Michael please say something."

"Jeanne, I don't know what to say. Do you want me to tell you how happy I am to hear your description of how you so eagerly sucked this guys cock?"

"I'm sorry Michael. I didn't intend to get so excited."

"But you did get excited. It was clear to me that you were more excited about this guy's cock than you've ever been about mine."

"Michael that's not true. I love your cock. I've always loved your cock."

"Really? That's interesting. When was the last time you kneeled between my legs while I was sitting on a couch and gave me a blowjob. Oh I remember, never!"

"Michael please understand."

"Oh that's right, that was before your awakening. Jeanne at this moment it seems to me that just about every man on the North American continent but me is benefiting from your awakening."

"Michael you've been gone."

"I was there when Derek Fischer was getting the benefit. Hell I had the pleasure of watching you give it to him."

"Michael please, you weren't supposed to come home for several hours."

"You're right, that was my mistake. In the future I'll remember to make an appointment when I want to see my wife."

"Michael, I fucked up. I fucked up royally. I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say."

"Neither do I, so I guess there isn't any reason to continue this conversation. Good bye Jeanne, it was nice to talk to you."

I hung up the telephone.

A minute later it started ringing. I ignored it. Eventually it stopped.

Fifteen minutes later there was a knock on my door. I opened it. It was John the motel manager. "Mr. Nolan, a woman claiming to be your wife is trying to reach you. You're not answering your telephone. Is there a problem?"

"John right now I'd prefer not to talk to my wife. Can we leave it at that?"

"Yes sir, of course we can."

John started to leave. I stopped him. "Just a minute." I peeled two twenty dollar bills from my money clip. As I handed them to him I said; "Unless I tell you otherwise, I'd prefer to be left alone for the remainder of my stay here."

John took the money and said; "Of course sir, if anyone calls I'll tell them that your unavailable and I'll invite them to leave a message. Will that be adequate?"

"Yes, that will be just fine."

A soon as John was gone I sat done in the room's big easy chair. Closing my eyes I sighed and shook my head. I knew that I'd just fucked up royally and I didn't know what to do about it.

I slept fitfully that night. The next morning I awoke feeling tired, depressed and alone. I didn't feel like doing anything. I wanted to call Jeanne, but I was too ashamed to even consider doing that. The previous evening I'd coaxed her into telling me the details of her date with Trent Peters. I assured her that it would be all right. I actually convinced her that it would be therapeutic for both of us. And then while she was doing exactly what I'd asked her to do I lost my temper. I was idiot.

I forced myself to make a pot of coffee and tried to read. The coffee tasted bitter and I couldn't focus on the novel I was reading.

I took a shower and shaved. That made me feel a little better. Deciding that I was hungry I walked to a cafe on Geary Street and had breakfast. As I was walking back to my motel I finally noticed that it was a beautiful day.

Realizing that the worst thing I could do was spend the day alone in my motel room wallowing in my misery; I hurried back to my room, got in my car and drove to the Lincoln Park golf course.

A threesome of men I'd played with previously were just teeing off. I joined them. The sunshine, the good company and the golf helped restore my spirits. By the end of the round I knew that I had to call Jeanne and try to make amends for my irrational behavior. As I drove back to the motel from the golf course I was composing my apology.

I got back to my motel room at about three o'clock. It was Thursday, a work day. At home it was five o'clock. Jeanne would just be leaving work. It was a bad time to call her. I decided to take a shower and call her in an hour.

While I was taking my shower I realized that I was starving. I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I needed food. I dried off and dressed quickly. There was a sandwich shop six blocks away. I could grab a quick sandwich and still be at my motel room to call Jeanne at 4:30 which would be 6:30 her time. The timing should be perfect.

I was tucking in my shirt when I was struck with a sudden fear. What if Jeanne had a date with Trent Peters. What if she met him for drinks and dinner after work. When they finished dinner they'd go back to our house. Jeanne would suck his cock and then he'd fuck her.

I sat down on my bed and buried my face in my hands. I couldn't do this. Sharing Jeanne with other men was difficult, but it wasn't an insurmountable problem. I was reasonably certain that given enough time I could learn to accept and maybe even enjoy her affairs. Hearing her talking about doing things for other men that she'd always refused to do for me was the real obstacle. It tore me apart. It was unbearable.

Still, I didn't want to lose Jeanne. She was the mother of my children and the love of my life. Living without her was unthinkable. I had to find the strength to get through this. I pulled myself together and stood up. I could do it, I had to do it and I knew how to do it. I had to begin by calling Jeanne. Communication was the answer, but we had to establish some ground rules. We needed to find a way to talk about what Jeanne was doing that wouldn't create unbearable heartache for me.

As I was picking up my wallet and car keys there was a knock on my motel room door.

Assuming that it was the manager I walked over to the door and said; "John what do you need?"

"Michael, it's me. Open the door." It was Jeanne.

"Jeanne what are you doing here?"

"I had to see you."

"But how did..."

"Michael open the door and let me in."

I smiled. That was my Jeanne. She didn't tolerate foolishness. I opened the door.

Jeanne threw her arms around me and said, "Baby please don't make me go away. I had to see you. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I love you so much and I hurt you when we talked yesterday. I'm sorry I did that. I understand why you got mad. I was telling you about doing things for other men that I've never done for you. Micheal this has all gotten out of hand. I do want to play with other men, but not while you're being neglected."