All Comments on 'Bad Day Ch. 01'

I gave up about 5th paragraph, to be completely honest. I stopped when i realized that the dialogue wasn't separated with quotes and new lines each time speaker changed. noticed a word error, too, "Jean" instead of "gene"...

You need separation. As the previous comment noted, there's no way to tell who is talking or when. It's headache-inducing.

So as mentioned in previous comments, the biggest issues are the lack of separation between dialouge and the massive sections of text you have. Those are issues that would absolutely be caught by an editor, who could also help you create a richer story experience by letting the characters speak for themselves. It's tedious as a reader to constantly have to figure out who said what and whether they said it, or thought it, or if the narrator is giving the details. These issues can be easily fixed by just adjusting your writing style slightly.

Aside from that, there were a few misused words- jean instead of gene, see threw instead of see-through, etc. But overall, I was happy with this first effort and look forward to reading more.

You might think about having someone proof read the next one for you. The spelling of several words and the punctuation needs work. The spell check on the computer will correct for errors but not for the miss use of a word. i.e. jean/gene. A good story over all though.

In the final paragraph, the brother only has thumbs and NO fingers, it seems. Where have all his fingers gone? I guess when you grow up on a farm, you thumb girls. While city guys, just finger them.

Editing wise- it needs an overhaul. I would highly recommend the use of an editor.

Story wise- you lost me when the kid slipped and fell in the shower. I would completely omit that section of the story. It just wasn't believable.

definitely in need of an editor. I'm not usually a stickler on this stuff but a lack of quotation marks really makes it hard to tell who's talking. I also agree that the big blocks need to be broken up so the story flows better. Other then that nice job.

The premise of the kid getting a gash in his balls and then his sister sewing it up is erection killing and cringe inducing. Besides the fact that no teenage boy is going to be horny after that. He's gonna be freaked out over his balls being cut.

Like another comment said, lose the accident in the shower.

Needs an editor. The block of text and lack of quotation made this unreadable. Also, I've only seen it spelled "stitches" and not "stiches". Seeing that over and over again misspelled really got on the nerves. Which is bad when you want people to be enjoying your story.

I think the story isn't bad itself, but really needs an editor. I'll even do it if you want.

you need to make these stories more realistic and believable, there is no way he would want her to touch him that soon after getting sewed up it would hurt to damn much. even when you get a vasectomy they tell you no sex for two weeks minimum and if you don't use the proper thread it will get infected fast, you need special surgical thread. delete and rewrite and do it properly. seperate paragraphs for each speaker quotation marks for all speech and indicate who is saying what. as is it was just to damn hard to read and so it was a waste of time.

Look, the comments regarding needing an editor are right on track... But overall it wasn't a bad first effort. I Thoth it was funny how she scared him he tripped, fell, then fell again in the bathtub, etc...

Just tighten up the quotes, spelling and continue to have fun.

First of all the idea is good. Definitely need an editor, to many misspelled words which distracts the reader from any enjoyment. If I were you I would resubmit this after being edit and all mistakes corrected.

You could use a bit of help with editing. But for s first story it is good. Dont let the negitive feed back stop you

It was entertaining.?could take it a little further so I'm waiting for part 2

Could have been worse.

Were I you? I'd separate the dialogue from the body of the text. The spelling needs a little work, but some editing help would take care of that.

Over all, not a bad first effort, not bad at all.

Your story is very HOT and arousing ! I see a great story can be expanded from this chapter ! Please continue as we need to see what they do with this new found knowledge. After all, as you said they learn on the farm !! Thank you !!

gene (as in genetics) - not jean (as in denim)

through, not threw

"Tom threw the ball through the hoop" See the difference?

And your treatment of dialogue ... painful to follow, since you seem either averse or unaware of the universally accepted practice of placing the characters' spoken words within quotation marks and separating these speakers' back and forth dialogue by new lines.

Paragraphing ... what can I say? Your paragraph lengths vary greatly with no possible good explanation. The tenth and twelve paragraphs, for example: excruciatingly long. Remember: White Space is an Author's ( and Editor's) best friend. Judicious use of white space can render ponderous crap writing so it's at least parsible.

Get an Editor before you submit again.

... do let the negative comments stop you!

Just long enough to go to 'Literotica'; 'Index'; 'Volunteer Editors' and get someone to help you.

The worst part of this tory, and the part you most need guidance with, is showing when people are 'talking'.

It is very difficult to tell a) what is narrative/descriptive, b) what is 'the boy' talking, c) what is 'Wendy' talking!

Example - "Wendy came back into my room with dinner. It was just hotdogs and chips. Are you alright? Ya, I'm just a little sore. You had better not have ruined anything that I hopefully will be using soon. " - which is which?

I couldn't finish it. I liked the story concept and a part of your presentation. However, the terrible grammar, the misuse of homonyms and synonyms, and terribly run-on paragraphs made it unreadable.

Please find an editor and work with him/her to rewrite this and resubmit it. I would enjoy reading this if it was redone.

jc

finish it and ASAP

GEEZ, TALK ABOUT DIFFICULT READING. TERRIBLY LONG PARAGRAPHS, POOR PUNCTUATION, MISUSE OF WORDS, RUN TOGETHER SENTENCES. YOU NEED A REALLY GOOD EDITOR. I GOT THE SENSE THAT IT COULD BE A GOOD STORY BUT, WHO COULD TELL?

However, that being said, seeing as it is your first attempt at writing there are a few things you can do to make it a little easier for the reader to read the story and follow along, like separating the speaking parts because the way it is now it is difficult distinguish between who is speaking and when. At the very least add quotations so we can tell the person is talking out loud and italicize the text you have of them talking to themselves.

Definitely need to use a spellchecker and get an editor/proofreader.

That said, it's a lot better than I could have done. Sure some of it was unrealistic, but that's fiction. Try to stretch the story out a bit more (or add a chapter ).

If my favourite author (the late Callicious) says he would have enjoyed it with better grammar etc. that says a lot.

As for the hero only using his thumbs, I can understand him being "all thumbs" after two bumps on the head. Seriously though, if you have a girlfriend it might be a good idea to test drive your descriptions on her to see if they need adjustment. Could be fun, too! :-)

It was a great story and good premise, but without quotation marks and paragraph breaks it just drove me a tad nuts :/

badly though the story is good....just like what other comments before me said...the errors were distracting and it's a pain to read without breaking down the sentences...and the dialogue.....still five stars though.....hot.story