Being Home

"Hey," she said, and looked at him.

He was grinning.

"Slut in a good way," he said. "You know what I mean."

"I do," she said. "Homo. But don't call me that."

He kept grinning.

"I mean it," Bec said. "And I'm really sorry. I wasn't thinking, and I was a bitch. I was just surprised, that's all."

"Surprised and a homophobe."

"Yeah, I guess."

Bec sat there for a while, wondering about the boyfriend. Wondering why Liam was here with her. "I have to ask," she said. "It's killing me not to."

"Ask what?"

"What's going on? He's gay and you're not? You like to sneak away for a little lady parts on the side? Or what?"

"I'm me. He's him. I shouldn't be cheating."

"But you are."

"You hit on me pretty strongly."

"Yeah," Bec said. "But, um, your girlfriend is a dude."

"Yes he is. Do we need to keep talking about it?"

Bec sat there for a while, then said, "Nope."

Silence.

"Do you want to bang me in the ass?" Bec said. "I mean, just because..."

Liam slid off the bed, and reached for his jeans.

"Shit," Bec said. "I was joking."

He stopped.

"Sorry," she said. "I'm really sorry. Don't go."

"Stop it."

"I promise."

He lay back down beside her.

"One last thing," Bec said. "Just one. Then I'll shut up."

Liam looked at her.

"Please?"

"Go on."

"How are my blowjobs compared to a gay dude? I mean, am I even in the same league..."

"You're good. You're better."

"Really?"

"He doesn't like to. So yeah, any interest at all... You're better."

"Oh," she said, and thought how the world really was the same everywhere. "Fuck. That's rough."

"Yeah."

"That's awful. It sucks."

He grinned at her.

"Sorry. But still. I can see why you're here."

"Yeah," he said.

"Um. Want one?"

He lay there for a while, looking at her.

"Just if it helps?" Bec said.

"Please," Liam said, and lay back down.

*

The next morning was the last morning before Liam went home. Bec kissed him goodbye and wondered if he'd be back. After last night, he might not want to. Or he might just want to get home, back to his real life. It might seemed like too much trouble, coming back to the farm, just to say goodbye to her.

Bec kissed him goodbye, and carefully didn't check. She didn't ask if she'd see him later, just kissed him and let him go, in case he wanted to quietly slip away.

He came back sooner than she'd thought.

He phoned, and said he was going to a job on another farm near hers, did she want him to stop by. She said yes.

Bec was outside, loading fencing wire into the pickup truck, when he arrived. He got out his truck, and picked up one of bales, and carried it over to her.

"You don't need to help," she said.

"I wasn't," he said, but carried the rest of the wire anyway.

When they were done, he kissed her neck, and stood behind her, with his hands on her hips. It felt nice. It felt almost affectionate, like they were a couple.

She didn't want to be a couple. She didn't want anything remotely like that.

"What're you doing?" she said. Almost sharply.

Maybe he felt it too. Maybe he understood why she had snapped. He put his hand down her jeans, and fingered her for a moment, then undid them, and pulled them down, and fucked her leaning on the back of her truck.

Bec felt bare, and full, and the sun was warm on her skin, and the wind blew at her hair, and they were just there, out in the yards, where anyone who came along would see them.

She felt almost disinterested. She felt almost like she was going through motions, and that moment of actual affection had spoiled the sex.

He came, and started to kneel down behind her, and she said, "Don't worry," and turned around.

"You didn't," Liam said, like it was obvious that he had to. "So I will."

Maybe it was obvious to gay men.

"That isn't obvious," Bec said.

"What?"

He looked confused.

"I'm fine," she said, and tugged her jeans up. "Later. I have shit I need to do right now."

He looked up at her a moment longer.

"Later," she said. "Really."

Liam stood up. He looked almost hurt, and Bec felt a little bad.

"Sorry," she said.

"Don't worry."

"You'll come back later?" Bec said.

She carefully hadn't asked that morning, but he'd turned up anyway. Now she was going to ask, because it was the last night, and she wanted to know, and now they were having some kind of fight.

Whatever happened, she did actually want to say goodbye to him.

"Will you?" she said.

Liam nodded.

"You actually will?" she said. "You won't just disappear?"

"Of course I will. But I should go."

She kissed him, and he drove away. She stood, and watched him, and she could feel him dripping out of her. She went back to loading fencing equipment into her truck, and felt him drip as she did. She liked that little reminder of what they'd done, sliding down the inside of her leg.

She thought about Liam as she worked, and decided she wasn't unhappy it was ending. She had tonight, and that would still be fun, but any more might start wearing her down.

She wasn't someone who could deal with too much being a couple, too soon.

She did want to say goodbye, though.

*

Bec had wondered what they should do that night, how they should mark Liam's departure. No matter what, that night was the end of it, and Bec wasn't sure how to say goodbye.

She sat on the front steps, in the darkness, and waited for Liam to turn up. He did, a little later than usual, and seemed surprised to see her waiting there.

"What's up?" he said.

"You're going tomorrow."

"I am."

"I don't think I'll see you again," she said. "It feels like I won't."

He didn't answer.

"So I won't?" she said, making sure.

"I don't think so," he said, after a moment. "No."

"You don't regret this, though?"

He was quiet again.

"I don't want you to regret this," Bec said. "I don't want to have caused trouble."

"I don't regret it."

"But you're looking forward to being home?"

He looked at her, then said, "Yeah."

"Will you miss me?"

"You're in an odd mood."

"I know. Will you?"

"I think so, yeah."

"I'll miss you."

Liam sat down next to her. "We don't have to have sex," he said. "If you'd rather not."

Bec didn't answer.

"I don't even have to come inside," Liam said. "If you'd rather I just go."

"No," Bec said. "Don't go."

"Well, we don't have to have sex. If you'd rather not."

"We should, though, shouldn't we? We should want to. I should want to. Since I'll never see you again."

"I suppose."

"It feels weird, though, doesn't it?" Bec said. "It feels like something's changed."

Liam nodded.

"Come on," Bec said, after a while. "Come inside. We should."

They did, but it wasn't the same. It was dull, almost routine. As if somehow they'd become a couple, only pleasing each other by habit. As if he was already gone, in his heart, already back home and fucking like he did there, fucking someone he loved, and she was only there in his mind.

She wondered if that would happen. She wondered if he'd remember her, and think about her, once he was at home.

She wondered if she should ask.

She decided not. Decided it was mean to interfere.

She lay there, and looked up at him, watching him fuck her, missing him a little already. He had his eyes closed. He wasn't really there.

This was a chore. She wanted it over with. She didn't dislike Liam and didn't not want to have sex with him, she just didn't want to like this.

"I'm close," she said.

He opened his eyes.

"I'm close," she said. "I'm almost there. You should if you need to."

He seemed to be trying to decide if she was lying.

She faked, after a moment. She pretended to come, just so he could finish too. And so he wouldn't try and go down on her once he was finished. She didn't really know why that mattered, but for some reason it did. She didn't want head from him when he'd already gone home, in his mind.

They talked for a while, afterwards, about living in small towns and what he did for work, talked more and better than they ever had before. It was friendly, and Bec liked it. Then they slept, and that seemed to be right. Sleeping the last night together seemed to fit.

Bec woke up in the night, and lay for a while, as Liam slept, listening to him breathe. He was holding her, had his arm around her, and it struck her that this was somehow nicer, more intimate, than their last sex had been. As if being held while she slept was more personal than having him inside her body.

She thought about that, and decided it almost made sense. She lay awake, and felt him against her, and decided she'd miss that more than anything else, once he was gone.

She lay, and tried to make the most of it, but after a while, tired, she went back to sleep.

In the morning, Liam left quietly. He got out of bed, and started dressing, and Bec was fairly sure he planned to slip away without saying goodbye.

She let him go. She faked again. She lay there and feigned sleep and let him go without a fuss. It would be just too complicated and awkward to do anything else. She'd had fun, and she thought he had too, but she didn't want to make it unpleasant for him. She didn't want complicated goodbyes, and false promises, and telling each other this meant more than it had.

She thought he stopped at the door and looked back at her, but she wasn't sure. He was still for a moment, just before he went, and might have been looking, but he might just have been checking for his keys.

She wanted to think he was looking, but she didn't really think so. It was probably the keys. He was gone already. He was gone in his head, was already at home. He wasn't hers any more, and never had been. She kept her eyes closed, and pretended to be asleep until she heard his truck door slam outside. Then she got up, and moved the curtain aside, and watched him drive away in the cool grey dawn.