Between the Pages of Adultery Ch. 03

"Laura, are you alright?" asked the doctor. "You look a little pale; would you like a glass of water?"

"No, I'm okay, just a little nervous," she replied.

Harrison looked over, and for the first time since that fateful night, actually felt a little sympathy for her. He stood and walked over to the coffee pot on the other side of the room and poured two cups. He fixed one with cream and sugar and took his black.

Laura thanked him as she took the cup with a shaky hand and a smile of genuine gratitude. He smiled back before taking his seat again.

Dr. Wexler viewed the act as a small break-through.

"Last week most of the conversation centered around why Laura admitted to her affair and didn't try to keep it a secret. Mr. Corbett," she said focusing on him, "do you have any more questions regarding your wife's confession?"

"No. I see why she did it, now." Harrison looked at Laura. "I also took your advice and read chapter twelve after I went home last week. In fact, I finished the book," he admitted.

It felt as if a ten pound weight had been lifted from Laura's shoulders when he told her that. She was so afraid his pain and anger would prevent him from making a true effort to reconcile, but for the first time she really felt there was a good chance he would come back to them. Dare she smile, she wondered. She didn't want to do anything to jinx their chances.

"Very good," intervened the doctor. "As I told Laura in our first session, I'm familiar with that book and it's very informative, but if you two are going to have any real chance of repairing your relationship, you need to clear the air completely with each other. That's something you can only do through communicating with one another."

Once the doctor had their full attention again, she continued. "Mr. Corbett, it's been my experience that the injured party in cases like this, usually has several questions they'd like to ask their spouse. Last week we discussed only one of yours. What other questions do you have?"

Harrison started to feel anxious. He nervously adjusted himself in the chair. He knew the doctor was right, they needed to get everything out in the open but he wasn't sure he was ready for that. Did he really want to know all the details, he wondered; probably not, but he did have questions and not knowing the answers was also agony.

"I... ah, I guess the biggest question is why. What did or didn't I do? I... I thought you were happy... truly happy. What drove you to another man?"

His question sent chills to the very depths of her soul. He looked so sad. At that moment he was so vulnerable. She'd never seen him like that and it was ripping her heart out.

She hoped she could get through this session without crying but once she heard his pain again, there was just no way. Her vision blurred as she spoke. "Oh Harrison, you did nothing, absolutely nothing except be the finest husband and father any woman could ever want."

"That's bull, Laura. There must have been something. I read where it said women were usually looking for some emotional attachment that they weren't getting from their husband. I... I guess I'm hoping it was something like that and not physical. I also read that... where a woman simply wasn't satisfied by her... "

"Harrison stop... please stop!" Laura cried out. "Please believe me, it was nothing like that. Brad isn't nearly the man you are physically, and that's the truth, Harrison, so help me God, it's the truth."

"What then, what... "

"Do you remember what I said that night after you came back home? I told you I felt entitled. The reasons I had an affair were even more egregious than what you read because they were so totally greedy on my part. I felt like a big shot, I felt I owed it to myself, Brad was my prize... "

"Oh come on, Laura. You ran a temp-service office; you weren't the C.E.O. of some fortune five-hundred company. There had to be more to it than that."

Laura let out a small sigh. She did what the doctor told her. She practiced this conversation all week but it wasn't going at all like she had planned.

"Harrison, I started there by answering the phone. I worked hard and moved up little by little; nine years it took me. Star-temp has sixty-five offices nationwide. You know how many of them are managed by women... two, and I was one of them. To me I WAS the C.E.O. I worked hard and made it to the top, at least to the top of my agency. I felt like a success," she said allowing a little pride into her speech.

"I know," interjected Harrison. "I congratulated you, remember? I took you out to a nice restaurant to celebrate. Obviously that wasn't enough. I should have paid more attention."

"Harrison, will you please stop trying to blame yourself. Of course I remember everything you did for me. You were great. You and Ashley had those balloons for me when I came home from my first day as boss. You bought a bottle of champagne when you took me out to dinner. Honey, you've always been extremely supportive of me. Stop trying to shoulder the blame, it was mine, all mine, damn it," she reiterated, this time with a little anger in her voice.

She was trying hard to keep her composure but it wasn't easy coming to terms with her own greed, let alone putting it into words.

"Harrison, at home I was a wife and mother, part of the family unit, but at work I was the boss. I had power and prestige. Subconsciously I wanted a way of maintaining some of that outside the office. Brad was our largest client; I'm the one who landed him. In fact, that's probably why I got the promotion. One of the first things I did as manager was take him out to lunch on my expense account. I had no intention of sleeping with him; I was just exercising my new-found status. Harrison, when I threw my corporate credit card on the table to pay for a forty dollar lunch, I felt like that C.E.O. I really did," the inflection in her voice rose with enthusiasm.

"Then Brad started telling me things to boost my ego even higher; things like how much I deserved the promotion and he wouldn't be surprised if they didn't offer me something at corporate in the near future. Looking back, I see now he was seducing me, but at the time I ate it up."

Laura had to think, was she explaining things correctly? She didn't want to sound like she was making excuses or giving herself a pass for what she did, not by a long shot.

"It didn't take long for all of it to go to my head. After a little while, it was obvious Brad wanted to sleep with me. The more I got used to be being the boss the more I felt I deserved to get something on the side, after all, isn't that what men executives do, get a little on the side. That was my thinking at the time. I was as good as a man; why shouldn't I enjoy the same spoils. Harrison, I actually authorized myself to have an affair."

As Harrison listened he couldn't help but compare his wife's story with that of his boss'. He shook his head in disbelief of their similarities.

"I didn't see it," he remarked. "I didn't see anything. You'd think that after seventeen years of marriage I'd be able to see a difference... something, some kind of clue."

"Harrison, when I was home I felt the same as I always have. I felt like a loving wife and mother. I doubt very much that there were any perceptible changes in my behavior when I was with you and Ashley. I didn't change into Ms. Boss lady until I stepped into my office. It was... I don't know... like superman when he stepped into a phone booth."

Harrison chuckled slightly at the analogy, although he still didn't understand completely. He moved up through the ranks at work just like she did; he was a boss too. He never felt like that.

"Boss lady or not," he said, once again his voice percolating with anger. "That didn't give you the right to betray me, to betray US, damn it. Have there been others?" he probed. "Honest, be honest with me, have you ever done this before?" His posture went rigid; his face took on a very stern, almost accusing expression.

"No, please Harrison, you have to believe me. Except for Brad, I've never been with anyone else since the day we met."

"I don't have to believe anything you say," he mumbled just loud enough for her and Dr. Wexler to hear.

"Mr. Corbett, usually things become easier the more we do them, even things we know are wrong. Does it make sense that your wife would admit to one affair but not to others she'd had?"

He knew Laura was telling the truth even before the doctor said anything. He'd said it because he still had not completely gotten over wanting to strike back and hurt her like she hurt him. It worked too. The tears that had been building up now leaked down from her eyes.

"I know," he muttered. "I just wanted to hear her say it." He caught sight of his wife out of the corner of his eye as she dabbed back at the waterworks with a tissue.

"Mr. Corbett, I almost wish you hadn't read that book because it seems to have given you some preconceived ideas about culpability. After what Mrs. Corbett has said, do you still feel you were at least in some way, partially responsible for your wife's infidelity?"

"I don't know. I just keep thinking if I'd been more observant, if I had spotted some change in her behavior or moods, maybe I could have headed this thing off before it happened."

"Would that have made a difference?"

Harrison knew exactly what she meant. The intent of doing something wrong is just as bad as doing it, but there were other factors.

"At least I wouldn't have to wonder how I performed in bed compared to this Brad character. She says he wasn't as good as I am but how do I know she's not just saying that? If we did make love again, how would I know she wasn't comparing me to him... thinking of him?"

"Oh Harrison," Laura cried out again, "I'm so sorry for what I've done to you, for everything I've put you through."

Dr. Wexler watched as Harrison took a deep breath then exhaled loudly. He looked tired and frustrated. She glanced at the clock on her desk and was surprised to see they were over their hour by ten minutes.

"Okay," she said. "You both look emotionally worn out, and our time is up, so we're going to call it a night. Is next week at the same time okay with both of you?"

They nodded their heads together.

"Fine, confirm it with Theresa on your way out," requested the doctor. There were no special instructions for Laura this time. She was more worried about Harrison. He was still in a lot of pain. It was obvious he was trying; after all he was the one who requested therapy, but she could tell he wasn't yet thoroughly committed to reconciling.

The next couple of sessions went pretty much the same way. Harrison would ask questions and Laura would honestly and emotionally answer them. Five weeks into the therapy sessions, Laura had an announcement to make.

"Before we get started," she said as she took her seat, "I have something to tell Harrison."

Both Harrison and Dr. Wexler looked a little puzzled.

"Go ahead," replied the doctor.

Laura turned toward her husband with a worried look.

"I just passed the test to get a realtor's license," she said. "I... I don't know how you'll feel about that if you decide to come back to us. I want you to know, if you're not comfortable with it, I won't pursue it. Having you back is the most important thing in my life so if you have any problem with it, either now or in the future, just say the word and I'll quit."

It was a surprise for Harrison, he had no idea she was even thinking about going into real estate.

"What... ah... I... why real estate?" he finally asked.

"Valery suggested it when I quit my job. She's been helping me study. She has her broker's license so I'd be working for her."

Laura watched as Harrison thought, but he wasn't thinking about what she'd asked. Her statement brought a new question to his mind.

"Did Valery know what you were doing?" he asked with a suspicious tone in his voice.

"No; I did confess everything to her just before I quit. I wanted her opinion about telling you, although she didn't think I should."

Harrison didn't say anything at first. He thought about what she said. "You're sure... right? Val had no idea you were cheating on me."

"No, absolutely not; no one knew about it. In fact Val was so pissed after I told her, I thought she might drop me as a friend."

"So, the only people who know about it are the three of us and Valery... and asshole of course."

"Mr. Corbett, please refrain... "

"I'm sorry," he responded cutting off the doctor's rebuke of his foul language.

"There's one other person," Laura said correcting him. "Cathy, my PA. I told her why I was quitting. That's it."

"Okay," he said seeming to be satisfied with her answer. "Why do think I might have a problem with you working for Val, then?"

"Not working for Val, working in real estate. I'll have a lot of free time. I'll be going to open houses and meeting clients to show houses. If you come back I know you're going to have suspicions. It's only natural. How will you know if I'm really going to show a house or meeting some lover some place?"

"Yeah, I see what you mean. Well, I'm not back yet. I guess we'll cross that bridge if and when we get to it," he stated.

Harrison didn't seem to want to deal with this new problem but Dr. Wexler saw the possibility for pending disaster.

"Mr. Corbett, how would you feel watching your wife leave to go show a house?"

"I don't know," he replied. "These session are supposed to help me forgive her, I guess I'm hoping they'll also help me trust her again. Frankly, If I can't trust her I just don't see any way to get back together," he said with a sigh.

"Actually Mr. Corbett, forgiving and trust are things I can't help you with. Only you can find the capacity within yourself to do that. These sessions are meant to simply open lines of communication between you and your spouse. Inside the confines of that communication, hopefully you two can find your way back to one another."

Again it was the doctor that broke the moment or two of silence.

"So... do think you think you'd be able to watch her leave without apprehension?"

Harrison looked into the troubled face of his wife. He thought about everything she did; quitting her job, confessing even though she didn't have to. He remembered how concerned she was over Ashley's rebellion and the genuine remorse she'd shown every day for the last five months. Would she go through all of it if she wasn't truly remorseful... if she didn't truly love him?

"I don't think I'd have a problem," he told them. "I know someone else who got caught up in the same kind of web as Laura; he cheated on his wife too. That was a long time ago. He told me he's never cheated since, that he's learned his lesson;" he paused for only a moment to look at his wife. "I believe him... and I believe Laura when she says she'd never do it again."

The astonished look on Laura's face told the doctor she was about to jump the gun.

"Oh Harrison, does that mean you're coming home?" she cried out.

Dr. Wexler knew his answer before he spoke. One down, she thought; and one to go. Even if he feels he can trust her again, he said nothing about forgiving her.

"No, I'm not coming home," he told his disappointed wife.

Laura's body language went from elation to dishearten as she slumped back in her chair.

"I still need more time, Laura. Just because I think I can trust you again doesn't mean I've forgotten what you did."

Laura nodded her head in understanding but with dissatisfaction. For a split second, she really thought she had her man back. I should have known, she thought, after what I did, it wouldn't be that easy.

She was right, it wasn't going to be that easy. After another four sessions, productive as they were, there was no more talk of Harrison moving back home.

Dr. Wexler was beginning to have her doubts. Harrison just could not let go of his pain, and until he did, there would be no reconciliation.

Harrison wanted to go back home but the thought of his wife's betrayal still hurt. He had been looking for a sign. He wasn't sure what, something that would help him with his decision. He even searched the Bible, but not being a religious man, he had no idea what to look for and nothing jumped out at him in the way of inspiration.

It was the night before their eleventh therapy session, it had been seven months since he'd left his home and family. He was stretched out on the motel room bed with his feet crossed, watching a documentary about Abraham Lincoln on PBS. Leave it to old honest Abe, he thought as the commentator quoted the sixteenth president: "I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice."

Laura's mood was somber as she walked into the doctor's office and took her seat. After what seemed like impasse after impasse, the hope with which she started the counseling sessions, was waning. Even Ashley, after questioning her mother after each one, had given up hope of ever having her father back home.

It was Doctor Wexler who first picked up on Harrison's demeanor. She thought she detected a slight spring in his step as he strolled in. There was just a tinge of cheerfulness in his voice as he said hello.

Before sitting down, he walked over to the table along the wall and fixed two cups of coffee, one black and one with cream and sugar.

There was a confidence in his manner that the doctor had not seen up till then. He looked like a man who had come to a decision and was confident with that decision.

"Here you go," he said holding the plastic cup out to Laura.

Her face looked like that of a beaten woman as she took it from his hand with a thank you.

Dr. Wexler was sure he'd come to a resolution, what it was, she had no idea. Well, no sense in dragging this out, she thought.

"Mr. Corbett, you look like you have something on your mind so I'm going to give you the floor," she said sitting back in her chair.

Harrison nodded to the doctor before turning toward Laura.

"Laura, I know I don't have to tell you how much you hurt me. It's been well documented in these meetings, but I want you to know that in spite of the pain and anger, I have never stopped loving you. From the moment I first walked out of the house after you told me what you did, I have been searching my soul for answers. I've taken a lot of things into account; the welfare of our daughter, the seventeen years we have invested in each other, the experience of my boss at work and something he said about my pride keeping me from happiness. Of course I also took into consideration my feelings, the hurt and pain, and then there's my love for you."

Laura listened with intent but she'd been shot down before when she got her hopes up; this time she was determined not to raise them.

"The actions you took when you broke things off have convinced me you'd never do it again and a very wise man told me that mercy sometimes bears richer fruit than justice. I'd like to come home. I'd like to raise our daughter together and put this behind us. What do you think?"

Laura couldn't believe what she just heard. She closed her eyes to savor his words. Salty droplets of water bubbled out from behind her lids and streamed down her face. Her chest began to rise and fall with each sob. Without looking up she raised her arms, searching for the comfort of her love. He was there. He took her in his arms and gently guided her head to rest on his chest as she wept.

Even though Dr. Wexler had a good success rate for couple's reconciliation, this was a scene that wasn't played out too often in her office. She fought back tears of her own.

Harrison cancelled the last session and followed his wife home. Ashley was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework when they walked in. Her eyes lit up like candles when she saw them both smiling.