All Comments on 'Birthday Present For My Sister Ch. 01'

Your story line is pretty good, but the dialog is a bit stilted, making it hard to follow sometimes. The Back Story of the older sister was interesting though.

if this is related to other stories you have written THERE SHOULD BE NO INCONSISTANCIES. if you had reread your other stories BEFORE writing this things should mesh completly. stop being lazy and either do it properly or not at all. the best thing you can do is delete this and rewrite it so IT DOES MESH AND IS TOTALLY CONSISTANT WITH THE OTHERS.

that has to be the hardest to read and understand story, ever.

Accidentally gave 5, but should have hit 4. Liked the brother's resistance, but when it was overcome, it should have broken completely. They should have gone "all the way", and bareback at first, so she could have enjoyed the sensation, even if he pulled out. Of course, the extra foreplay might make the real thing even better, but she knows about that already. She was actually ready, and may feel some disappointment that he held back. And who are they? I can't recall if they ever used their names. Or what they are. Most people will use names occasionally, at least, when talking. They felt a little unembodied. Otherwise liked the dialog, even the flitting around oral.

Put it in the bin then jump in

a lot... It is well developed with enough uncertainity in the dialog to draw and keep the readers attention. They seem to be special as brother and sister. I would have liked the ending to have a sensitive and loving union that would promise a warm and special relationship for the future. Maybe another chapter. A five. I'm going back to reread the older submissions.

Terribly hard to follow

I get what you were trying to do

But your badly written dialogue doesn't

Pull it off

I liked it. Sure I got lost a couple of times and had to reread but I liked it. The build up was pretty long.

its a good story but il hard to follow. dunno who is talking what .. had lots to guess

I frequently visit a 'clothing optional' beach. At that beach, nudity is common, obvious arousal is almost non-existent. In this instance, his initial reaction to seeing his sister's breasts is normal, but would quickly fade. As the activity becomes more 'intimate' the arousal would return.

I agree with the comments about the awkwardness of the dialog, and haven't decided if its a good or bad thing.

Have to say I love the story so far... My only complaint, as others have noted, is the strange and somewhat hard to follow dialog. I'm wondering if English is not the author's native language? That might explain the difficulty, some parts hard to follow or sections that the author think should be understood.

A good example I think Is where I think she is talking about her sister giving head (blowjob) and/or a guy going down on her... In reference to taste I think... That was a confusing lead in!

Anyway I like it otherwise. I DO like that the majority of the story is actual dialog, like that the brother isn't going overboard at being a whiny pussy before he actually gives in to his sisters wants like you see (and is so fucking annoying) in most of these type stories. Honestly, while most brothers would say no right off (and Im not even sure about the 'most' part) pretty much all brothers would happily do their sister(s) if they found her attractive in some fashion. Hey, Im a realist in that reguard! (G)

I dont have sisters (damn shame, always hoped for some step sisters, fuck my mom married enough men, lol) but Ive an assload of cute/hot cousins that I would say yes to in a heartbeat as long as getting caught or getting her pregnant wasnt a concern!

Looking back I think I had at least two that were inclined to play some at least, I was just too nieve to know ;) (dammit)

this was very hard to read and follow you give no indication of who is saying what and you mixed up the order of some of the words and left out others completely. delete and get a GOOD WRITER to rewrite it for you you totally suck as a writer.

Thank you members with names for your comments. I know very well that transcripts of actual conversations show that people use incomplete sentences, that a transcript can be confusing, because facial expressions, gestures snorts (a favorite complaint by Anon) are omitted, which would let a bystander follow the conversation without any problems.

60+ thousand have clicked on the story. The title and description in the category "incest/taboo" were enticing. However, the 4.20 rating is from 400+ readers suggests that a lot of people finished the story and liked it. Thanks to them, too.

That rather outweighs the anonymous carping.

I finished it because I don't comment on writing that I haven't read. This dialogue is so confusing. It is distracting to the reader to have to try and figure out who is saying what to whom and which is quotation from the other sibling and what was said. I don't want to 'carp', I don't want to be mean. You want ratings and comments so you must take all of them good and bad. I think it is a beautiful story when siblings love each other enough to help the other in this way, but you really need to get your writing proofread for grammer and composition as well as spelling and punctuation. Sounds pedantic, I know, but these guidlines are there to make communications smooth and easy. I just can't read ch. 02 or ch. 03 even though I anticipate a good story. Not everyone is the same, and I have epilepsy. I just can't deal with the confusion of the dialogue. I'm sorry if you don't like what I say, but there it is and I feel that if you are just going to write for a precious few you should write how you wish. But if you are going to post your work publicly for everyone looking for a good story, you should be more concious of the reader's needs. Besides which, the English language shouldn't be butchered like this.

Thanks for being so honest, also for the politeness of finishing the story before commenting.

"Different strokes for different folks," or maybe Lincoln's: "You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, . . ." ; - )

Very hard to read....sorry....im off to different horizons

Way to difficult to read. Don't know where your mind was running half the time.

Like an earlier commentator, I read through to the end before commenting, as I kept hoping it would improve; it didn't, sorry. Your dialogue is strange, stilted, almost robotic, and while your earlier point about real-life conversations is well taken, you have to remember that no-one except you can see the expressions on your protagonists' faces on the movie-screen of your mind, and the subtleties and nuances you obviously hope to capture and express just aren't painted well enough to evoke the imagery you're obviously hoping for.

All in all, this was not a particularly well written opus, I find myself neither shaken or stirred, and I feel no burning desire to visit any more of your work, as I have with other writers here. You've been told again and again where you're falling down, and yet you persist in believing that the rest of the world must be wrong, because you are unassailably right 100% of the time.

Your problem seems to be that you don't learn from your mistakes, and react badly to any kind of criticism, attacking the people who make helpful comments as though they were the ones trolling you, because you obviously believe you're incapable of making mistakes, and it shows through in your work and your OTT reaction to criticism elsewhere.

Sometimes less is more; perhaps concentrating on a better, more digestible, more interesting story/plot and less wordy, impenetrable dialogue is what you should be doing; don't talk, do, describe, narrate, inform, anything except the droning 'blah-blah-blah' that your characters indulge in at the drop of a hat. There has obviously been a lot of work and effort put into this, and your other work, but it's wasted effort if the end result is crashingly boring and impenetrably obscure; it's supposed to be erotica; light, hot, hopefully memorable, and always interesting, not slab-faced, earnest, hectoring, and drab.

I would suggest you get an editor who's main focus would be advising you on story composition and content, you're obviously a competent writer, unfortunately not a very interesting one. A good editor to help you with your story format and content should go a long way toward rectifying that.

Unfortunately, sadly, as it stands, right now your story comes across as having it's head stuck up its own arse. Lighten-up Francis, this is Literotica, not the Pulitzer Committee or the Booker prize...

...I read through, mostly. It was a long, painful read to be honest. The dialog is difficult to understand and sometimes you're just left going 'huh?' And have to move on. The storyline is painfully slow, which wouldnt be so bad if it were more interesting, and to be honest the whole 'my hot sister wants me to fuck her but as a guy Im somehow shocked and opposed to the Idea, unlike every other horny brother who would happily accommodate her' thing is just tired and way overused.

....anyway, I cant read anymore, its too painful.

I stopped reading the story half way through. Kept being too confusing when you would hop from action to chat not using quotation marks. A good edit, this may be a good story. I just couldn't even finish reading it. Just being honest, keep on writing.

I want to contradict many of the previous comments. I think your writing is excellent. And I write for a living, selling about 60,000 words per year, and about 1.4 million over the last 20 years. Yes, the dialog is fragmentary as are most conversations. Yes, some times the references are a little unclear, was the sister talking about sucking her boyfriend's cock or him licking her pussy? But that is part of a natural flow where a younger woman and and older man with whom she has a deep non-sexual relationship gingerly feel their way into what may be a minefield. The guy who insists you should turn the first experience into a quasi-rape with the brother penetrating his sister bareback and ejaculating in her is just clueless about good sex and how tentative groping toward intimacy while not jeopardizing an existing important relationship is necessarily complex. Keep it up, you write some of the best stories on the site.

He was driving me mad! Are all American boys like him? No, of course not. Of course it could be the way he was brought up. I'm really sorry, but I have read far better stories of siblings on Literotica. Better luck next time, and I really hope you do not stop. The stories should get better as you go along.

I find it really strange that in this entire chapter, not a one character has been given a proper name. Makes it impossible to endear the reader to the chracter. The only proper name mentioned was just a side reference to Ursula Andress. Also, just because people speak in that way, doesn't mean you should write that way. No author writes dialogue that way. Extremely difficult to know what they are speaking of when they are talking about the conversation between the sisters. just say oral sex, sperm, fucking, whatever. this is a porn story. No reason to make us guess. Be descriptive.

Extremely confusing to read. Your dialog is vague and stilted. That could have been okay if your narrative was filling in the blanks, but it wasn't. The narrative was just as horrible as the dialog! It could have been a really nice story about a brother educating his innocent little sister about sex, but your poor writing skills ruined it. 2/5

VERY hard to follow...lot of innuendo, beating around the bush