All Comments on 'Bizarre Roommates Ch. 06'

l liked the storyline expect were he was a dimigod that ruined it,there was one and he was and is the real deal but I love the story I hope to read more so keep on writing you have a talent I wish I had I give it five stars

Your misuse of words is staggering.

A full food court is packed, not pact, (pact is an agreement). There has been a ton of words misused in the same manner, through out the six chapters, so far. Lucky for you I have memory problems, or I would list them.

The second glaring problem is a common problem new writers have, a tendency to write in too 'flowery' prose. There is such a thing as being too descriptive. For example, there was a paragraph with the first sentence describing what one of the characters was wearing, as she expressed her awe at the mall's structure and design. What she was wearing had nothing to do with the mall, or its affect on the character. Also, there was nothing in the paragraph having to do with her apparel.

The sentence describing her clothing added nothing to the story, and was completely out of place. When she first appeared to her roommates would have been the time to describe her clothing, or sometime later in the story, if what she was wearing advanced, or enhanced the plot.

What you write needs to have a purpose, either descriptive, or narrative, otherwise, a person could randomly string sentences in paragraphs, and paragraphs into chapter and be an 'author'.

The purpose of the written word is to communicate. When letters form words, and words form sentences, but when the sentences don't relate to each other, or work together to tell a story, it is not writing, it's simply word salad.

Try reading your work aloud during your re-writes, and proofing, perhaps if you try to speak what you have written, it will help you. It won't help the first issue, that will only be corrected by improving your vocabulary, or by an editor.

Good luck. You have decent story lines, and ideas, you just need to work on the process of transferring what's in your mind, to the page/screen.

Something many first time writers discover is just how much hard work there is in writing well. If it was easy, everyone would do it well, and Literotica is a perfect place to find people NOT doing it well, and shows not everyone CAN do it well.

If you strive to write well, don't take the criticism personally, and be prepared to work hard, to improve your writing.

GeoD